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Relationship Happiness When The Love Of Your Life Hasn’t Shown Up Yet!

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects.” ~ Albert Einstein

Some of us spend too many weeks, months, even years chasing unrequited love. Man, it can hurt so good to love so deeply one who will not and cannot return the favor! It isn’t a masochist’s dream, but it sure can become a favorite bone to chew on so that life doesn’t feel so darn lonely. Songs about it are sung, stories about it are written, and therapists’ couches are private spaces for it. There is a better way.

What Exactly Is Unrequited Love?

Unrequited love is what happens when he or she just isn’t that into you but you have feelings you cannot deny. The human heart is capable of loving those who are incapable of returning even feelings of “like” much less real love. The heart will love even those who neglect it and abuse it. So, loving someone who cannot love you back not only can feel kind of good, it can feel necessary. The love you feel for anyone can become something you cannot live without, even if they do not and never will love you back.

Oh, and if the person you love so deeply is a friend, it becomes even more complicated! Because they do genuinely like and love you, they just don’t love you “in that way,” you can conjure up the juice to love them for all eternity. As long as you don’t do or say anything that makes them exit your life in order to protect themselves; as your friend, he or she is always available. If you get to the point of processing your feelings about this person with this person, then you have these intimate conversations that, even though they produce nothing more than more pain, the intimacy feeds your feelings for him or her. You leave these conversations convinced that if you can just be there for them and love them as much they will let you, then one fine day, he or she will look at you anew and fall head-over-heels in love with you, regretting all the time lost till now!

Something Better Than Unrequited Love

Unrequited love can fill all the free and empty spaces in your life while you are waiting for the real thing to come along. That is one reason people refuse to let the love object go. A much better, honorable, deserving candidate for all that love is you, yourself. In addition to that, focusing your attention on what would be the ideal romantic relationship for you, on the perfect love of your life, how it all would look and feel and taste like; this level of dreaming and planning for the love of your life showing up is a more beneficial expression of your romantic love than sinking deeper into unrequited love.

One of the things you can do to turn your attention to loving yourself and preparing for the love of your life to come along is read self-help relationship books. These books can be even more helpful before you get into a romantic relationship because you have the freedom to read them without prejudice. You also have the opportunity to use them to fire your imagination with specific details about what you want your next romantic relationship to be like. It is the Law of Attraction in that what you put your attention on grows. If you put your attention on how richly painful it is to love someone who doesn’t love you back, you will get more of the same. Conversely, if you put your attention on the kind of relationship you will create with the love of your life, you will attract that.

Getting Into The Relationship Groove Outside Of A Relationship

Another thing you can do is use dating to practice the behaviors self-help relationship books teach. Particularly paying attention to those that outline the differences between men and women, as a man you can practice being the man with the women you date, or as a woman you can practice being the receptive feminine with the men you date. He or she doesn’t have to be the love of your life in order for you to practice how you plan to be with the love of your life. Even among your friends, you can practice listening skills and being present skills that will benefit you tremendously when the day comes along where you not only fall in love, but the recipient of your affection falls in love with you too!

The more attention you put on loving yourself and preparing for that big, powerful romance coming along, both your daytime dreaming and night time dreaming will move in alignment with you to support what you are attracting! Instead of your thoughts drifting to your unrequited love, they will naturally drift to imagining things like what the perfect Sunday spent with your love will look like. Nighttime dreams, if you remember them, will begin to sort through the debris left by the unrequited love so that you have more space and energy inside for creating something whole, balanced, and full of passion with a real prospect for finding someone to spend the rest of your life with!

Albert Einstein’s quote above, “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or objects,” inspired this article. When it comes to relationships, it can be very hard advice to follow because it can feel impossible to refrain from tying your happiness to another person. But when the goal is a beautiful romance because you are worth it, the thinking and action steps that follow give you a happy life even as you attract the love of your life.

How To End An Argument

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I saw a card meant to end an argument between lovers. It carried the worst advice on the subject I’ve ever seen. It read, “Maybe if we both said we’re sorry…” Yikes! Tell someone who is angry with you that maybe you can both apologize and what happens? The resentment scale in the other person sky rockets!

How Not To End An Argument

So, one way to not end an argument is to suggest you can both apologize. Another way to not end an argument is to say, “I’m sorry,” through gritted teeth as if what you really want to say is, “You son-of-a-you-know-what, I could just tear you apart right now!” A lack of authenticity when offering an apology tends to make the other person feel spat upon. This isn’t good for moving the conversation forward into a more loving place.

Another way to not end an argument is to say the very thing that will escalate it to the next level. Sometimes this happens by accident. It is only after saying the thing that makes it worse you realize you knew all along not to say it. One way this has looked in our house is when I’m fuming because my feelings are hurt. It’s called passive aggression. It can happen when he has hurt my feelings. It can also happen when someone else has hurt my feelings but I know he can’t do anything to fix it, which means he’ll be irritated by a conversation about it.

When I fume he eventually says in a certain tone of voice, “What’s wrong?” On the surface, that tone sounds compassionate. But I’ve lived with him long enough to know there is a very slight edge to it that is clearly recognizable but easily overlooked by me. Without thinking, I will answer him and actually relax inside as if now we are getting somewhere. Wrong! With my answer, I have just confirmed that he was right and now he knows for certain that I am either mad at him or mad about something he cannot fix and that drives him crazy too. Escalation of hard feelings with confusing words that don’t help to follow!

Recently, I was fuming really loudly. Because it wasn’t about him but was about something he couldn’t fix, I took a risk. He asked what was wrong and at the end of my answer I stated, “…and that is the end of this conversation.” It sort of worked! While there was no escalation, he left the room. I had an appointment to keep, so I left. By the time we got back together later in the day, we had both processed our stuff around what had hurt my feelings and what he couldn’t fix. We were able to have a loving conversation about it.

How To Actually End An Argument

Now for some solid advice on how to end an argument: the trick is to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person. People get there different ways. You may have discovered what works for the two of you and so the real issue is why does it take so long to make the shift? Unless abuse is happening, if just one of you will make the shift to a softer, appreciative place, the energy will soften and get better for both of you.

Some people are able to get to a softer place with a touch. Some take a breath and some space and purposefully remember the love and the sweetness that usually exists between them. In the past, once my feelings were hurt, I used to see the other person as my enemy. Sounds extreme but it wasn’t like I said, privately or out loud, “He’s the enemy!” No, I just realized that was how I felt. With that understanding, I would remind myself during arguments that he isn’t the enemy. He is my husband, my lover, my friend and we’re going to get past this. Dealing with my own trust issues allows me to remember that I trust him and his love for me. That softens my energy, causing me to feel appreciation again with a sense memory of loving him, and everything improves. It improves because the very next time I speak to him, my tone and intention are softer and genuinely about love and reconnection. That authenticity makes all the difference!

Loving And Reconnecting

What I mean by “a sense memory of loving the other person” is when you get past the anger and resentment and genuinely soften, some place in your body responds. That response is a sense memory of your love for that person. Perhaps your legs relax. Maybe your belly softens and energetically expands. You might get a feeling in the center of your chest where you feel full and relaxed. Your head might tingle. Your jaw could relax and chills run up the back of your neck. Your arms might ache with a longing to take your lover into your embrace. It is a memory in your body that expresses your love and longing for this person.

Another way to work this trick for ending an argument is to understand and accept the differences between men and women. For instance, men are wired to fix it. When my husband wants to fix something he can’t fix in me and that frustrates him; at the very least, I can appreciate this about him and his masculinity. Doing that, I do not escalate the argument further by getting frustrated with his masculinity. Appreciating his masculinity, I might even open to the possibility he could really fix it. When that happens, “Glory Hallelujah,” the home team scores and we both win!

How to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person is a personal issue between two people. It takes experimentation and patience to discover how that works for you. You and your lover, the home team, are worth it!

Absence Makes the Heart (and Body) Grow Fonder

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With my husband away on a business trip last week, I had an experience that reminded me of relationship advice I received several years ago. The first couple of days he was gone, I was very busy with lots of tasks and goals to meet. Then that night, we couldn’t say “Good-night” to each other. I missed his call because I was in the shower and then he missed mine because his phone didn’t ring and we both had this idea that we were each tired and ready to go to sleep. With the loss of that “Good-night,” sadness filled my body and took up residence. Although we had wonderful conversations following that night, the sadness wouldn’t leave until I saw him again when I picked him up at the airport three days later.

When Your Partner Is MIA

Fair warning, the relationship advice this experience reminded me of is kind of morbid. Basically, the advice is to be fully present when your spouse has to be away for any reason because one of these days, one of you will die, leaving the other behind. When that happens, the sadness will take up residence in such a way that you’ll feel as if it will never leave. If you have had the opportunity before that day comes to allow yourself to experience physical separation, it will not necessarily make the grieving any easier, but you might understand that 1) you will survive it and 2) that sadness that fills your body is a testimony to the depth of the love you shared.

In the meantime, there are other uses for the experience of being fully present for how absence makes the heart and the body grow fonder!

How To Be Fully Present When Your Partner Isn’t

1. When your spouse is out of town and you have the house to yourself, you can appreciate him or her more as you stumble upon the things he or she usually takes care of that you, perhaps, have come to take for granted. Particularly if you have a list of complaints about what he or she doesn’t do, being reminded of what you don’t have to attend to because your spouse does can open your heart more.

2. In the mental space created by his or her absence, recall past loving events and feel your whole body open. Recall some of the humorous and quirky things that happened when you fell in love. When was the last time he or she did something especially thoughtful? Recall that and let it make you happy! What was your favorite thing that happened the last time you made love? Let that memory warm your heart!

3. Take the time to anticipate and plan for reunion sex! Reunion sex can be even better than make-up sex! The longing that has built up in your body can fully express itself once you’ve come back together.

4. Allowing the longing to fill your body can make you hunger for your spouse in a way that is very flattering to him or her. So figure out how to express that in some of those phone calls you exchange during the time apart.

5. Speaking of phone calls, there is always phone sex! It will not be as satisfying as reunion sex, but it will do in the meantime as well as create a reminder of how special and sacred the intimacy between you is.

So, the next time you have to be separated by business trips, sickness, family demands, etc. use the time to feel the longing, appreciate the sadness, and deepen the love. It will fill the empty spaces in your hearts and minds until you have the chance to fill the empty spaces in each other’s arms.

Find A Man Whose Breath Stops Short At The Sight Of You

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Perhaps it is because I don’t have a daughter to give advice to, but sometimes I think back to the girl I was in my teens and twenties and long to give her the counsel I now have available from this forty-something perspective. Yesterday, I ran across something a man wrote that captures advice I would give. I think the advice strikes a more golden chord because it comes from a man. So, I want to share it with you today.

You Deserve It!

If you are a woman reading this, do pay attention because you are worthy of this counsel! Whether you are single or in a relationship, you deserve to be treated with care, love, and adoration. In a word, you deserve to be cherished. If you don’t know this about yourself, you may be in the habit of acting out in ways that get you disrespected and abused. Or you may be in the habit of surrendering to disrespect and abuse because you don’t value yourself enough to insist on better treatment. The advice I am about to give through a poem a man wrote is best received the better you love yourself.

If you are a man reading this, the advice I will quote from this man is like a magic key. You treat the woman you love this way and, if she loves herself enough, she will respond in such a way that you might feel you don’t really deserve her. But if you treat her this way, you do deserve her! Just keep on loving her.

What Kind of Man
By Colin Martin

Find a man, who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
Who calls you back when you hang up on him,
Who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the man, who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,
Who holds your hand in front of his friends,
Who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on.

A man who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares
And how lucky he is to have YOU.

A man who turns to his friends and says, “That’s her…”

Why Do People Get Into Relationship Trouble?

The number one reason people get into relationship trouble is because they do not love themselves enough to have standards of behavior that protect them from being hurt. People who love themselves command respect. It doesn’t mean they never get hurt. But attracting abuse and chronic hurt either doesn’t happen or doesn’t occur for very long with those who love themselves. Their love runs deep enough that they are able to practice the tough love that sets good boundaries. They are able to practice the tough love that sets good examples for how to live and love.

Think about Colin’s poem today. If you are a man, does it apply to your marriage or romantic relationship? If you are single, can it apply to you the next time you fall in love? And will it apply six months, a year, six years later?

If you are a woman, can you believe down to your pretty toes that you are deserving of such affection? When you believe it, you will attract it.

I’m raising my glass in cheers to you, hoping it is so.

A Mama’s Boy, His Mother, And His Lover

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A young woman with the pen name “Lulu Taylor” has written a novel about the love triangle between a mama’s boy, his lover, and his mother. It is called “Stop the Mama’s Boys” and is a response to the number of grown men who live at home with their mothers out of financial necessity but who also have what she calls an “unnatural” relationship with their mothers. She makes a good point. She says, “Nature did not intend for a boy to remain a boy. And, if you have a man still living at home or in a position where his mama is still making decisions for him … well … that’s a problem. Do women want to marry boys or men?”

When Moms Interfere

Lulu has witnessed mothers who dramatically interfere in the romantic lives of their sons, not totally unlike the mothers on the reality series, “Momma’s Boys.” As a relationship coach who specializes in the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I have a more hopeful outlook, I think, on the phenomenon. I also see a wider variety of mama’s boys than Lulu does. As a single young woman, she comes from a part of society that is dealing with the phenomenon in the dating phase of relationships with interfering moms getting the upper hand. I see it more in established marriages and partnerships where it has very little to do with an interfering mom and a lot to do with the dynamics between husband and wife.

Whereas Lulu’s perspective has her naming the sins of the mothers, I assert that mama’s boys are not created by mothers alone. It has as much, perhaps more, to do with the physical, mental, and emotional absence of fathers.

Fathers Play An Important Role Too

When as a teenager a boy doesn’t move from the sphere of influence of his mother to the sphere of influence of his father (where the father can pass on to the son generations of masculine potency), it is because the invitation was not delivered by the father. Moving into his father’s masculine sphere is an invitation only a man can extend. Mothers cannot. They do not have the masculine potency to give to their sons.

Furthermore, the young man’s choice to remain his mother’s son is born of love and loyalty to an entire family system. It isn’t born of his mother alone. Chances are she is a daddy’s girl whose parents are a mama’s boy and a daddy’s girl. Chances are his father is a mama’s boy whose parents are also a mama’s boy and a daddy’s girl. The loyalty to be like the rest of the family runs deep. If mom was abandoned by her husband and/or father or mother, then the mama’s boy feels chivalrous in his efforts to take care of her by remaining her boy.

Yes, there has been an explosion of mama’s boys in the last several generations. But for every mama’s boy there is a daddy’s girl ready and willing to take care of him. The problem is that the dynamics between the young lovers set the woman up to compete with his mother and they set the man up to compete with her dad.

What To Do If You’re The Lover Of A Mama’s Boy

The couple, if they are willing to be self-disciplined about it, can take care of this together by reminding themselves they are neither each other’s parents, nor are they each other’s children, refusing to step into those roles even as each of them attempts to seduce the other to step into the roles!

They do not have to go to war with the mother. They can gently and steadily release her by looking to themselves 1) as the creators of their own reality, 2) as the containers of their respective masculine and feminine energies, 3) by looking to each other as two equal adults in love, and 4) getting assistance whenever necessary with each of those three things!

I was fascinated by the fact that at Lulu’s site, www.stopthemamasboys.com, she offers her book in a plain black cover so that you can read it at your leisure wherever you like without being embarrassed or given a hard time for it. This is a sensitive issue. I remember, particularly when I was single, resenting people feeling they could comment on what I was reading (or what book I was purchasing) – such an invasion of privacy! I had the same the dilemma when my husband and I published our self-help book for mama’s boys and daddy’s girls! We took those words out of the title all together and expressed the dynamics instead. It’s called “Getting Back to Love: When the Pushing and Pulling Threaten to Tear You Apart.” We too wanted people to feel comfortable buying our book and reading it in public without being harassed!

As I’ve said before when it comes to mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, men taking care of the women and children in their lives and women getting things done in the world is good stuff and nothing to be ashamed of! The dynamics can cause tension in a marriage that can lead to divorce. But, as I hope I’ve shown in this article, there is hope for restoring the marriage to a yummy, passionate, satisfying place that can last a lifetime!