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Why You Should Stop Being the Backup Guy Before It’s Too Late

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So what does it mean to be “The Backup Guy”?

The backup guy is the one she calls to go out when no one else is around. He’s the one that’s always there for her just in case she needs him. He is not however, very high on her priority list and she will cancel plans, not show up, and otherwise treat him like a lower class citizen.

And she can get away with it because he REALLY likes HER.

So what should you do if you find yourself in this situation?

The Question

I have been asking out a woman for more than a month. She keeps saying yes, but then either has excuses or disappears. I know she was wrapping up with an ex-boyfriend and that was part of the problem. He is now out of the picture and she now says she doesn’t want to date till she’s past it. This again puts me on a back burner, where she still says she would like to go out sometime.

She says that I’m a NICE GUY, just the kind she probably needs. I told her she might not want a nice guy and she said I was wrong. In social situations, not dates because can’t get her to go on a real date, she is very flirty with everyone.

Normally I would bail out at this point, but when I do my phone rings off the hook she’s wondering why I’m ignoring her. I know she has others admirers, so what? I like her a lot and she knows it. It seems she is just trying to hang on for the comfort effect. I want to move forward or move on. Forward gets blocked. Moving on gets phone calls… Suggestions would be nice!!

The Answer

You’re absolutely right. She seems to be entertaining you so that she has a security blanket and doesn’t have to be alone.

It’s good that she wants to get past her previous relationship before dating again, but she seems a little flaky and it sounds like you’re not exactly her type, but you’re there when she is lonely.

The “Backup Guy”

To cut right to the chase – You’re the back up guy in case no one better shows up…

When I say ‘better’, I mean from her perspective… Don’t think that there’s anything wrong with you. This just doesn’t sound like a 2-way fit…

When she says that you’re the kind of guy that she probably needs. She’s really saying that you’re not the kind of guy she thinks she wants. She may be taking advantage, intentionally or not, of the fact that you do like her a lot so that she doesn’t have to deal with her break up and face being alone.

Don’t settle for someone who’s not equally crazy about you.

The chase can be a lot of fun but is has to be a two way chase. Have you ever seen two puppies chasing each other around the yard or kids playing tag? They take turns chasing and then being chased and everyone has a lot of fun in the process. That’s how a new (and seasoned) relationship should be – fun! It can however been incredibly frustrating when you’re the only one doing the chasing.

The Vacuum Law

There’s a Universal Law known as the Vacuum Law. Basically, what it tells us is that when we give up something that we don’t want, or that is not bringing us joy, it creates an empty space, or vacuum, that can then be filled with something that we do want and that will bring us joy.

Time to Move On

If I were you, I would go with my gut on this one and move on. Create a vacuum that can be filled by someone that is right for you. She’s never going to move forward and if she does, she’ll probably dump you as soon as she sees some one that she thinks she likes more. I personally feel that she needs to spend some alone time to figure out what she’s really looking for.

So how do you keep your phone from ringing off the hook?

The first thing that I would do is be honest with her and tell her that you don’t see the relationship going anywhere and that you’d like to just be friends. Make sure that she knows you’re no longer sitting around waiting for her – and stick to it!

And if that doesn’t work…

Do you have caller ID? If I were you I would screen my calls and stop answering her calls. You are under no obligation to answer your phone for anyone. It may sound harsh, but she’ll eventually get the message.

I would however try the honesty approach first.

Bipolar Booty Call?

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The Question

I was seeing a 39 yr old Bipolar male. Until a year ago, he lived w/his mother. The only reason he moved out was because he did not get along w/his ailing step-father. His mother still handles all of his finances.

In the beginning of our relationship everything seemed nice, but then it turned. He called me every day for a while but would only see me once a week for sex. I thought that his BP Disorder had something to do with his behavior and accepted it-taking it slow.

He cancelled our plans on New Year’s Eve because he partied too hard the night B4 and I did not see him on my birthday.

He told me that I am beautiful and book smart and that scares him. After not hearing from him for 3 wks, he came over at 3:45 a.m. to "talk." We did talk, but he also wanted sex, which he DID NOT get! He also shocked me by showing me that he had shaved all the hair off of his genitals and thought that was something I would like. I found it to be strange (especially since I had not heard from him in so long). Now, he calls me once in a while.  Many months ago, I told him that I was in love with him and how his behavior hurts.

Can you please help me? I am still in love with him, but as of Christmas Eve, stopped telling him so.

The Answer

Sorry to say, but sounds to me like you’re the proverbial "Booty Call". Don’t let him use being Bipolar as an excuse to take advantage of you.

I know nothing about this medical condition and do not know if it could cause this type of behavior… Here are some resources that I found that may help you. 

http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/bipolar.htm

http://www.bipolarworld.net/York/dating.htm

Treating your girlfriend like a "booty call" is not on the list of normally displayed symptoms.

It sounds like for whatever reason, this man is not in any emotional state to be in any kind of serious relationship – whether the cause is BP disorder or simply a severe case of immaturity.

If I were in your shoes, I would show myself the well deserved respect that this man is not showing you, and either find a better relationship or enjoy my own company for a while. You do not need another person (man or woman) to confirm your greatness!

If you love yourself first, you will attract a man that loves and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I hope it helps.

Is Shyness Keeping You From the Girl of Your Dreams?

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The Question:

There is this girl at my church that I think might like me. Every time I get a chance to say something to her I don’t because I’m really shy. What can I say or do to break the ice?

The Answer:

The challenge here is that you really like her and really want her to like you. And that’s the problem. That wanting translates into fear – fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone.

STOP! Let’s go through this together so you will be able to approach her with ease the next time you see her.

She’s a regular person, just like you

Don’t put her on a pedestal just because you like her. This is one of the biggest mistakes men make with women, which is why they strike out so often.

Remember, she’s a regular person, just like you. So, treat her that way. Be nice, friendly, and most of all, confident in yourself. You wouldn’t be shy talking to one of your guy friends or a girl that you have no interest in, right?

So treat her like that – just one of your friends.

Men and women aren’t nearly as different as we all like to believe. At the end of the day we’re all people with needs, feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. We all need friends, companionship, and so on.

How can you tell if she likes you?

When you talk with her, notice how you feel. Do you feel like you WANT her to like you, or do you feel that she DOES like you? Is there a strong surge of energy, a magical spark between the two of you? Down deep, you’ll know if she really likes you.

You can feel it. Trust your gut.

Warning. Many guys make a big deal about asking a girl if she likes them. Don’t ever do that. You’ll put her on the spot and she’ll have to choose without getting to know you first. It’s like deciding if you want to buy a car without ever sitting in it.

The key here is confidence and belief in you. Listen for what’s in your heart, not for what you want to be there. If you’re too nervous to even talk without stuttering, then you won’t be able to read your gut feelings.  So it’s very important to get a grip on yourself and just relax.

What if she turns you down?…

Before you approach any woman, tell yourself that it’s perfectly OK if she doesn’t go out with you. Heck, it’s perfectly fine if she doesn’t like you at all. Your life will be no different than it is now, but you will have more experience in approaching women. That’s it.

Read this over and over until you get it: You have absolutely nothing to lose.

Lots of men get their egos crushed because a really hot girl won’t go out with them.

Well, guess what? Fact is there are hundreds of reasons why she may not want to go out with you – or with anyone else for that matter.

She could be in a committed relationship, could be a lesbian, could be grieving a loss of some sort, could be having her time of the month, could be having a bad day for any other number of reasons, etc.

Or, you simply may not be her type. And that’s OK too. Wouldn’t you agree that’s it’s better to know up front?

With all that put together, assuming that you are her type, you have a 20% chance (at best) of succeeding when you approach a woman. That’s life, deal with it. This bears repeating. At any given time, a woman may not be interested in any man whatsoever. Accept that and go on. It’s just a fact of life.

The key point here is not to take it personally and go hide in the closet. Follow your heart and approach all the women you feel attracted to. You will find one, or more, that you really click with. Have fun and don’t take life so seriously.

How to approach her – the magical ice breaker

Now that we’re past that, it’s time to actually move in. She’s not going to know you like her if she doesn’t know you exist. So let’s get on with it.

Simply go talk to her.

There’s no magic to it. Just go over there and make some small talk. Don’t be overly eager and don’t have a firm agenda. Just say hello and see what happens.

Let her feel you out.

Think of two dogs when they first meet – they growl a little and spend lots of time sniffing each other. People do the same thing really… it’s all about getting a feel for the other person. We like to think we’re more evolved than lower animals like dogs, but they actually have a lot to teach us. I’ve yet to ever meet a person that’s as pure at heart as a dog…

Ask her out – leaving the “Friend Zone”

At some point you’re going to have to make your move and depart the friend zone. Now, this may not be in the first minute or two, and maybe not even the first time you talk to her. The key here again is self confidence. You’ll also need a little patience.

Take your time and feel it out first. Don’t make her choose until you know she’s comfortable enough with you to give you a chance and you’re comfortable enough to take the chance.

Now, on the sex and physical attraction issue…

Most guys assume that men and women want drastically different things, and sex is something that’s to be won over from the woman – like a special gift. Wrong! That’s a very dangerous perspective which will leave you doing the sex thing all by yourself for a long time.

Many years ago my father gave me a bit of insight on this. He said “she wants it just as much as you do”. In my early teens that nugget didn’t really do much for me. But as I grew into an adult, that advice took on special meaning. It’s important to remember that women want and need companionship (and yes, even sex) just as much as men do.

Love yourself – guys read this section, it’s for you

Decide today to love and embrace yourself. Yes, even as a guy, you can still love and embrace who you are. In fact, guys are notorious for self loathing and not appreciating themselves.

Guess what?

As any good salesman will tell you, if you don’t believe in yourself and in what you’re selling, nobody’s going to buy from you. If you don’t love yourself and don’t think highly of yourself, nobody else will either. Guaranteed.

So get over the self punishing and self loathing and decide to change your life today. Yes, you.

Need some help going up to her or asking her out?

For advice on how to approach a woman and ask her out, let’s get some advice from some of the experts in the pick up and seduction community.

Download and read this helpful guide to approaching women:

  • Guy Gets Girl – a Pickup, Dating And Seduction Guide written for men… By a woman!

This guide will help you increase your confidence so you can approach women more easily and get better results.

A word of warning. Some of the advice from the seduction and approaching experts involves psychological and hypnosis tricks to get women to want you, to trust you, to open up to you, etc.

But always remember to be yourself, because while many of these tricks will get you that hot girl for the night, they won’t get you a real girlfriend. In the end she’s going to see you for who you really are and you’re better off getting her to like the real you from the beginning.

In summary

  • Don’t put her on a pedestal – treat her like a regular person.
  • Be nice, friendly, and open.
  • Approach her… Yes, you will have to do this eventually.
  • Talk to her about something, anything. It’s not about what you say; it’s how you say it.
  • Download the Guy Gets Girl guide for a confidence boost on approaching her and asking her out.
  • Now go for it! Onward – no fear.

Second Date Ideas… Keeping it Fun and Exciting after the First Date

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The Question: I have a second date with a special girl. I live in the Cleveland Ohio area. I found a place we can go to see x-mas lights on a horse-drawn wagon. She has a daughter and I’m thinking she is ready to settle down.  I really like her and I’m ready to settle down. Do you think that the horse drawn wagon is a good idea and not too pushy or romantic?

The Answer:

The horse drawn carriage ride definitely sounds romantic and also very thoughtful. Everyone goes to dinner at some fancy place on their first dates – that’s not special. She’ll appreciate that you actually came up with something creative and romantic.

If you want to stand out from the crowd, always strive to be yourself, to be different… Don’t go on the same dates everyone else goes on, and don’t copy what everyone else does. Do something exciting and memorable, and most importantly – have fun.

Fun and happiness is extremely infections… people just can’t get enough.

One caveat… if she seems at all uncomfortable around you, then it may be best to take her to a more public place place like a restaurant. That way she won’t spend the evening with her guard up and the two of you should have a lot more fun. That’s usually more of a first date issue, but still keep it in mind.

In the end, you two will have to decide together. Tell her what you’re planning and let her choose what she’s most comfortable with. Better yet, brainstorm some ideas together, and come up with fun ideas for future dates. That way you’re way more likely to reach third date and beyond. 🙂

A word of caution on the topic of settling down… you’re not there yet. Don’t rush it. If you’re too focused on the end goal of “setting down” you could sabotage the relationship before it takes off by being too pushy or needy. When the time is right and you’re more comfortable around each other (you’ll know when that is…) – talk openly about how you both honestly feel about settling down. Make sure that you have that conversation in a neutral, no pressure environment and be prepared to listen to what the other person has to say.

Take this one day and one date at a time. Enjoy your time with her now and see how your relationship grows and evolves.

You’re definitely on the right track… keep it creative and exciting and fun.

For some fun and really unique date ideas, check out our review of Michael Webb’s excellent guide 300 Creative Dates.

First Date Question – How Can I Avoid the Conversation Dead Zone and Keep From Striking Out?

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The Question

"I get stuck trying to start the conversation. Absolute silence drives me crazy. The ice breaker that I say usually ends up being something really stupid." – Anonymous

The Honest Answer

We’ve all been there before – that awkward silence that occurs when you’ve just met someone and have no idea what to say…

Just picture this in your mind… You’ve just met someone new and you’re a little unsure what to say to make a good first impression. Maybe you’re a little shy and a lot nervous! Maybe you’re just tired from a long day at the office. Regardless, you’re completely stuck and cannot think of a single intelligent thing to say. To make matters worse, your date isn’t saying anything either.

It’s the "FIRST DATE DEAD ZONE!" – Help! Someone say something… anything… Quick!

Is your fax machine more articulate that you?

No, your fax machine simply has an established protocol for first dates. Think back to the last time you faxed a document to someone. Your fax machine makes a connection to the other fax machine, and then you hear all kinds of gibberish before the document starts going through.

Did you ever wonder what that’s all about?

Well, the two fax machines are basically saying hello and setting the tone of the conversation, how fast they’re going to talk, what language they are going to use, and how long they’re going to chat.

It’s very similar to those first few minutes with your date.

  • You’re getting to know a brand new person
  • You’re getting used to their speech patterns and body language
  • You’re figuring out their sense of humor (which can in and of itself change the tone of the conversation completely)
  • You’re trying to determine their intentions. Are they really friendly? Can you trust them? Do the mean you any harm?
  • Do you really, really like them?

You simply need to implement your own personal first date protocol.

It’s important to remember that WHAT is said during those first few minutes doesn’t really matter. What is important is to establish that initial, friendly connection with the other person.

Here are some communication 101 tips for getting started on the right foot.

  • Be friendly and genuinely nice
  • Show concern for the other person’s feelings
  • Truly listen to them – look them in the eyes (I know that’s a tough one but you can do it.)

That’s great, but what do I say? Is there a canned ice breaker for every occasion?

Not exactly, but there’s always something you can say to alleviate the awkward silence.  

These ideas should work in most first date situations.

  • Ask about their day… How was it?
  • Ask about their work… What do they do? How do they like it?
  • Inquire about pets and children. How many? Names? Ages?
  • Do they have anything that they like to do when they’re not working? Hobbies? Sports? Etc.

I know these sound rather generic, but the idea behind these simple questions is to find something that you both enjoy and feel comfortable talking about. Hopefully, you will find some things that you have in common.

However, it is important to not get too personal too fast .  Show interest, and ask further probing questions, but don’t be too intrusive. You don’t want to scare the other person off.

So why do we freeze up on the first date?

In most cases, that uncomfortable silence (which can often cause panic for some), is based on fear. Yes, fear…

  • Fear that you’ll say something really stupid
  • Fear that you’ll have nothing in common
  • Fear that the other person won’t like you
  • Fear of being put on the spot to perform

How do you overcome YOUR fear?

Although there isn’t a magic formula that will save you every time, there is a solution to your problem. Take a little time before your date to come up with a few simple and general questions that you can ask or compliments that you might be able to make. Write them down on a piece of paper. Keep the piece of paper in your wallet or purse. You don’t necessarily have to look at it – just having it with you and knowing that it’s there will help you remember.

If you get really stuck, excuse yourself to the restroom and look at your cheat sheet. When you return, you will surely impress your date with your thoughtful and caring questions.

Stay tuned, more soon…

We encourage our readers to send us their most pressing online dating and relationship questions. If you haven’t told us your biggest dating question yet, you’ll want to go to AskDanAndJennifer.com and do it now before you forget.

For some fun and really unique date ideas, check out our review of Michael Webb’s excellent book 300 Creative Dates.