It’s becoming a common theme…

People meet someone online and want to leave their families and their lives behind – without ever meeting this person face to face.

In many cases, when they do actually meet the other person, they find that there is no spark, no chemistry.

How is that possible when they got along so well online?

It’s really quite simple. Attraction is much more than just logic and words. We are attracted to others because of the energy that surrounds them, their smell, their movement, their chemistry – so much more than can ever be conveyed over the internet or even over the telephone.

The internet is a great medium for initial introductions, but nothing beats good ol’ face to face communication to determine if you really like someone.

Think of Online Dating as “Online Introductions”. After you find someone you think you may like, it’s time to get out from behind the computer, meet them, and really get to know them in the real word before making any life changing decisions.

Having said that, is it really wrong to leave your current partner to be with someone you met on the internet?

The Question

After 20 years of marriage, and 2 weeks of talking to a stranger online, I am ready to end my marriage and run off with a person 13 yrs my junior.  I realize how insane this must sound to most. Sill as I live it, it just seems right. He seems right. If in fact my new friend is truly what he seems, is it wrong to want real happiness? After 20 years my spouse is no closer to meeting halfway on anything. I had resolved myself to this and thought this is how all marriages end up? Help?

The Answer

First, stop and take a deep breath. You don’t need to make this decision immediately, and you really shouldn’t. There are two very distinct questions facing you here, and combining them can be very dangerous.

1. Should you leave and divorce your husband?

2. Do you truly want to be with this new man?

Is it wrong to want real happiness?

Absolutely not! You should always pursue happiness in your life. There’s no way to truly bring happiness to your partner or your children if you are miserable. Just like there’s no way to truly love someone else without having love for yourself first. True happiness comes from within, not from other people, places, and things.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you.

Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life – your experience. You come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while you’re here you take care of YOU.

Should you leave your husband for this other man?

No, combining those very different questions can be very dangerous and foolish.

If you want to leave your husband, then do it. But don’t go from one unhappy situation into a completely unknown situation. Take this one step at a time and be sure it’s what you really want.

Are you in love with this man, or just ready to leave your husband?

Is it truly him that excites you, or is it the allure and possibility of freedom, of a new life that you’ve wanted for so long?

Really get to know the new guy first! Two weeks of chatting is not enough time to really know someone. You need to meet someone, spend some time and get to know them, etc.

There’s nothing more exciting than a new relationship. First the relationship is fresh, new, and exciting. But then the euphoria wears off and you enter a new stage where the relationship grows and progresses more deeply, and then slows to a more reliable rhythm. You begin to truly get to know one another on a deeper level.

After 20 years, you know your husband better than anyone else, probably better than he knows himself. Are you really prepared to start all over and break in a new one?

I’m not saying you should stay in an unhappy marriage.

Take a moment now to read our very controversial article on this age-old issue – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

In summary, if you’re in an unhappy marriage, you are not required to stay in that marriage. Others will disagree with that statement but we believe that we are here in this life to experience happiness, nothing more.

Just make sure that you’re leaving your husband for the right reasons.

Don’t make a rash decision because you met someone else. Really take the time to examine why you want out. If you leave, you need to leave because it’s what you really want in your heart.

Age is irrelevant.

So what if he’s younger than you? Would it matter if he were 10 years older?

Fact is you like him, and you didn’t sit around thinking “should I like him, is he the right age?”. Really, does anyone do that? No, only the overactive brain and its idle chatter judges all the little things you do and think and that’s what get’s us in trouble.

It really makes no difference whether you are the same age, younger, or older than your partner.

We believe that people enter and leave our lives at just the right time, for whatever reasons that we aren’t quite yet evolved enough to fully comprehend. Relationships help us learn more about life and ourselves than any other experiences. Cherish them and appreciate their gifts.

What will your friends say?

In short, it doesn’t matter. If you friends don’t love you enough to support you in your decisions, then maybe you should get some new friends. It really is that simple.

Unfortunately, family and friends are typically the ones that hold you back and keep you “in your box”.

All the people in our lives who think “they know better” tell us who we should date, who we should marry, what we should do, etc. Well, guess what? They don’t have a real clue what YOU should do. All they really have the right and ability to tell you is what they would do in your situation.

Most of the time they just end up reiterating what they were told by their parents and ministers as they grew up – without ever questioning those thoughts and beliefs.

They may mean well and truly care about you, but they can’t possibly know what you should do. Only you can know that by listening to your heart.

In Summary

• Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
• It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.
• If you choose to leave your husband because you are having problems or your relationship no longer works, make that decision independently of whether or not you want to be with this other man.
• Take the time to know this new man before running away with him.