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You are here: Home / Archives for Singles & Dating

Online Dating Sites Begin The Dating Process, Not Be The Engagement Period!

By sarahelizabethmalinak

A friend I love dearly was recently asked out on a date as a result of an online dating site she belongs to. She was thrilled and frightened. But she was scared in that good way when you are facing down a fear, stretching yourself to be more, and confident that no matter what happens, you will love yourself for trying! Yes, it had been awhile since she had been out on a date. No matter, she was ready to accept the possibility that there might still be romance in her future.

The Benefits – And Downfalls – Of Dating In The Internet Age

One benefit to dating sites is you have access to your date’s birthday before you even meet. Do you know what that means? It means you have access to valuable information about them. You can consult a zodiac chart or something called The Cards of Destiny or any other system that uses birthdates to determine personalities and compatibility. My friend was seriously looking into her compatibility with this date before they’d even met! She was pinning a lot of hope on this first date.

We suggested to her that she just relax and let the date unfold without putting that much intensity into it. After all, it was just a first date between two people who hadn’t yet met in person. They weren’t considering marriage. It was just too early to require so much of any date – much less a first date.

When it was the evening before the date, she received an email from him. He told her he was calling off the date. He said she seemed to be too busy, that what he wanted was to travel, and he couldn’t see her being available for that. Inside herself she responded, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!”

Just One Date

What he missed out on by canceling on her was a lot! He missed out on the chance to connect with another person – a woman. He missed out on the opportunity to get to know himself better in conversation with her. He missed out on the prospect of enjoying the mystery of someone new in his life. He lost the possibility that she may have been ready to trade in her busyness for some travel. He lost the opportunity to make a new friend. He lost self-respect by backing out, being unwilling to keep his word for just one date.

Also, though, there was something very profound when she responded with, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!” The fact that my friend wanted to do an astrological compatibility on this man before she even met him made me want to talk her off the ledge of thinking this date was that important. We gave her the advice to just relax and enjoy herself. At the risk of sounding sexist, it seemed typical of a woman to jump so far ahead in her anticipation of this date. It never occurred to me that he might be in the same position of putting entirely too much stress on this first date – having entirely too heavy an agenda for it.

Enjoy Dating – Don’t Make It More Than It Is

My friend’s online dating experience prompts this advice from me. For single adults of all ages, try to relax and enjoy dating. You are likely to attract the right one as well as be the right one when you are relaxed and not taking life quite so seriously. Even if it has been years or decades since you visited the dating scene, there is more to be gained from a relaxed attitude than there is from the constriction of needing each date to hold so much meaning. Love comes unbidden, in its own time and on its own terms. You cannot force it no matter how much anxiety and agenda you bring to a first date. You may as well relax and enjoy the journey! There are far more benefits to that state of mind.

Filed Under: Online Dating Tips & Advice Tagged With: dating advice, engagement, online dating

How To Tell If Someone Really Likes You

By maryannecomaroto

I call them “leakers.” What’s a leaker? Someone who flirts with you, wants you to want them, who enjoys and prefers the chase, the hunt, the rush and the kill. Sounds messy eh? Oh, yeah. It can lure even the sweetest, most naïve person to sell their precious soul for just a taste.

I can’t tell you how many times friends or clients have complained about their disenchanting, painful encounters with “leakers.” Men and women who seem so great at first, almost to good to be true and then…wham, bam, ouch, waah…

What A Leaker Takes From You

A “leaker” leaks their sexual energy-and not in a “good way”. They will lead you on, bark up your tree, pursue you like you have never been pursued, woo you up the highest mountain. They are often incapable of intimacy, married or already in one or several relationships because they need so much attention.

So let me draw another parallel … leakers are like molten chocolate. They envelop you with their smoldering languid glances, devour you with their luscious smiles, seduce you with their choreographed confidence until you beg to drown a slow death in exchange for just a sip.

It’s that irresistible something you can’t put your finger on, but you want to be near or keep coming back for more of, ’cause its feels sooooo good. At least for now. But then you’ll eventually find out: she/he’s the seductress, the hedonist, the junkie, the shadow hissing and whistling, cat-calling you like an ancient siren that renders you deaf, dumb and blind to their true intentions. Doesn’t really matter if you have low, loads or no self-esteem – the leaker’s pull is like a vortex few can withstand as our hearts ache and long for what the shadow only pretends to bring…never-ending passion.

Leakers vs. Likers

So – how to tell the leakers from the likers? Here are a few tips that will help you navigate the dangerous waters of telling the leakers from the likers.

  • The first time you meet a leaker he/she will make you feel like you are the most special person in the whole world, forgetting where you are, as if you are the only two people in the whole room/train/dance club/world. You might never eat or sleep again, or at least will check your email (VM, whatever) 10 times an hour to see if they called, twittered, pinged you. Like a crack addict waiting for his junk. VS The first time you meet a liker you feel curious, a subtle yet particular interest to know more; you recognize their personal boundary and respect it, feel their reciprocal awareness of you but are not overwhelmed by it. You are left with a warm feeling.
  • The leakers leave you feeling insecure. VS The likers leave you feeling good about yourself.
  • The leaker’s affection isn’t exclusive to you and you start to wonder what you are doing wrong or what is wrong with you that you can’t keep their attention. VS The liker behaves this particular way in your presence alone, cordial and social to others but qualitatively different.
  • The leaker moves fast. VS The liker isn’t in a hurry; they know what they want and will wait.
  • Leakers are exciting but get bored and indifferent easily. VS Likers are more like a slow burn, not so quick to jump, they ramp up, like the buildup and are into sustainability.
  • Leakers have a rep for being, well, leakers; cheaters, players, have problems with commitment, etc. VS Likers have a history of trial and error, like most, but have a track record of longevity and heart and partner(s) who’ll vouch for it.

So, whether you are a leaker trying to quit, tired of getting leaked on, or simply satisfied to finally find a name for those folks who do that thing they do-there you go. And after all these years on my own path I can safely say I keep a healthy distance from the shark tank, however fascinating they are. As the saying goes; look, don’t touch! A little goes a long way!

Filed Under: Dating Tips Tagged With: dating advice, flirting

Is The ‘Man Code’ Stupid?

By paulcarlson

Most women will agree – men often have strange ways of doing things. Sometimes, it seems like they even have an unspoken camraderie, or “code” of ethics between them, even between two men that have never met before. Not surprisingly, men do have sort of an unspoken “man code” that they go by that dictates many of their actions in society.  But what is the “man code” really, and is it necessary?

Have you ever heard of the unspoken “man code”? You know it’s the rules that say you can’t date the ex girlfriend of your friend or that you have to keep a one urinal space in the men’s room…. If you have heard of the man code – do you thinks it’s still valid? Check out our YouTube page and tell us what YOU think about the “man code” and if you know a man who does or doesn’t follow the “code!”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjn3wFVHr2k[/youtube]

What Is The “Man Code?”

The “Man Code” is generally a list of behaviors – an unspoken list of behaviors, really – that dictate how a man acts in society or in public. It’s kind of like “manners,” but on steroids. Everyone knows that polite table manners dictate that you don’t put your elbows on the table while you’re eating, however, that doesn’t mean that everyone abides by that. Especially at really excellent BBQ restaurants. The “Man Code” is similar – men in general understand that there are certain things you should or should do, can or can’t do, and many of them choose to abide by this unspoken “code.”

What Does The “Man Code” Say?

Some of the items on the “Man Code” list are sensible, like taking the urinal at least one urinal away from a fellow man who is using the urinals, or using the farthest right or farthest left (instead of the center) urinal if there is no other men using the urinals so that if a fellow man should come in and use the urinals, he has the option to give you at least one urinal’s worth of space. Other items on the “Man Code” list seem silly, like never dating a man’s sister if you’ve known him for 24 hours or longer (unless you marry her), or only having to wait 5 minutes for a man. If a girl is involved, however, you add 10 minutes of wait time for every point on the hotness scale she is. If she’s a 10, you’re going to be waiting awhile.

Is The “Man Code” Stupid?

If some men want to follow their own code of ethics, that’s up to them. But enforcing the “Man Code” among other men can be pointless. In each country, each region, each city, and even each neighborhood, there are different behaviors that are expected, suggested, or even shunned. For example, what is shunned in a quiet, suburban neighborhood may be acceptable in a downtown suburb of a large city, or vice versa. Social and cultural rules aren’t uniform – they change from location to location, culture to culture and even person to person. Perhaps a better and more culturally evolved “Code” would be the “Be A Decent Human Being Code.”

Filed Under: Dating Tips

Dating During A Recession

By drbonnieeakerweil

It turns out economic hardship spawns more than “staycations” and at-home cocktail parties. It also has caused a boost in first dates. It seems that this type of uncertainty makes many of us desire companionship and support more than ever.

Searching For Healthy Relationships

According to MSNBC, some singles are now hunting for dates with the same fervor others are showing hunting for jobs. On matchmaking Web site eHarmony.com, membership is up 20 percent despite monthly fees of up to $60, and activity has soared 50 percent since September at OkCupid.com. If money talks, we’re saying that we are looking to quell the loneliness that’s all too common when chasing careers, financial security, our ideal life. When those things are called into question, we go back to seeking good ol’ fashioned relationships.

This should come as no surprise, as most of us have this inherent desire, but it can be played out in a negative way if we’re not careful through what I call the bio-chemical craving for connection. I discuss this more in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup – which encourages a healthy view of money both within our selves and with our partners. This craving starts when stress from childhood causes thrill-seeking behavior. This behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities. You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. Of course, this craving can be harnessed for good as well as evil! Instead of allowing the desire for companionship and intimacy take you to thrill-seeking behavior that results in a “high” and then a crash, turn the desire into a search for healthy relationships.

A Genuine Relationship

This can come through online matchmaking, saying “hi” to that person we always see in a coffee shop or through a simple friendship. But you don’t need me to tell you how to meet people! The point is, as the MSNBC article states, it’s not just the frequency of our dates that’s changing — it’s also the people we’re choosing to spend time with.

“They’re looking for something that’s genuine in a world that isn’t very secure,” said Bathsheba Birman, co-founder of the Chicago dating event Nerds at Heart. “ith headlines full of why you can’t trust established institutions that you thought you could … people are re-examining their own values.”

And seeking a steady relationship can actually result in SAVING money! The CEO at OKCupik figures a man can spend $100 buying drinks at a bar trying to pick up a stranger and leave with little more than a cold shoulder. But, when he’s in a relationship, a Saturday evening can be as simple as Thai noodle takeout and a movie rental.

So here’s to healthy relationships and sustainable finances!

Filed Under: Dating Tips Tagged With: dating, dating advice, online dating, Relationship Advice

Online Dating – Doing It Right

By chickinheels

While online dating was once considered the dating foray of the nerdy and desperate, many people are realizing how valuable online dating – or online “introductions” really can be. If you’re interested in online dating, here’s how to do it right!

Setting Things Up

Before you begin, I suggest you create a new email address – one that protects your anonymity and gives you control. This is a safeguard to keep your regular email address safe from creepies that may not want contacting you.

Rule number one – do NOT give out any personal information right away.

Chances are you will have to pick a nickname or ‘login name’ for your dating site – take a moment when considering this – (as stated before, do not give out your name yet) what will your nickname SAY about you?? After all don’t pick ‘busty Betsy’ if you aren’t so busty – if you falsely represent yourself you only set yourself up for failure…not to mention if you care about who you are to attract and what characteristics they will decipher from your portfolio. Don’t pick “lonely heart” if you don’t want to come across as desperate. Try to keep it light – maybe consider what your hobbies are – like “Hockey girl” for example.. that can also make for a great starting conversation maker when you are contacted by someone.

What Are You Looking For?

Clarify what you are looking for up front – if you want something with long term potential say so, if you are looking to casually start dating again – again – be upfront.. State some of your basic likes and dislikes when it comes to dating & relationships. You may value loyalty, you may prefer a non-smoker…. List your hobbies…things you enjoy doing on a date maybe, or whatever your idea of fun is!!

Most dating sites will tell you that posting a picture will generate a lot more responses. I say, go for no photo at first and see how that goes. Maybe once you have comfortably established some chat with another person you can specifically send them your photo without having it out for public display.

If you are comfortable going the photo displayed route then ensure you are using an accurate depiction that is CURRENT. Thing is, you should expect the same in return as well. I once heard a suggestion where you have the person hold up today’s paper when sending you a photo of themselves lol!! That’s not that bad of an idea!
Now, before you go on chatting with just anyone through email or messenger or the dating site’s chat function – take a look into THEIR profile. Make sure this is someone you want to strike up a conversation with – don’t waste anyone’s time and expect the same in return.

Nixing “Chatspeak”

Now, what I believe is the KEY to online dating success – is being able to ‘chat/type’ the same way you would actually ‘speak’ if the person was in front of you. It always amazes me how often people who I know are very social and fun can come across as daft during a messenger conversation lol!! Try not to only give one word answers – have some questions that you’d like to ask. Toss the nerves aside, the benefit of online dating/chatting initially is that you remain somewhat anonymous… you don’t even have to worry about what you look like unless you venture into video chat ;o) (if you are on webcam chat.. make sure you’re presentable)….

Chatting through online dating can give you a lot of information in a short amount of time. This is a bonus as it saves people from wasting time if they discover something they aren’t keen on about the other person. It also can make you feel less inhibited to talk about things. On a real date there are always distractions – online the focus is the conversation and whether or not you feel the ‘click’.

Making An Online Relationship A Real Relationship

When you feel comfortable meeting in person, do so in a public place during daytime hours if at all possible. Provide your own transportation initially as well.. have a friend check in on you at some point during the meet (maybe they can send you a text) in case you require an ‘out’. These are standard concepts when meeting a new person anyway… hopefully the person you were chatting with online turns out to be an honest representation of themselves. There are always people out there who have used photos from their ‘better days’ or who haven’t been completely honest with their relationship status, etc, etc… just be aware before you dive right in. So keep that initial meeting short – coffee or a drink – not dinner. If all goes well, dinner can be next time. If what you are looking for is something casual and you wish to take things to another level – just be safe – going anywhere alone with a stranger poses threats – keep yourself protected at all times and in all ways ;o) Even if you use a reputable dating service you never truly know the person you are meeting initially so be smart.

Online dating can be a great way to branch out and it no longer holds the stigmas it once did. There are likely more couples meeting online as there are in bars now-a-days. Plus, you’ll likely know a lot more about the person you are meeting face to face then you ever could find out from someone you meet in a bar. Sharpen up those typing skills – and open the door to the online possibilities!!!

Filed Under: Online Dating Tips & Advice Tagged With: dating advice, online dating

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