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Are You Ready To Date Again?

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The truth is that most men will immediately start dating after a divorce. Ex-wives are often startled by how quickly they are “replaced”. Sometimes the ink isn’t dry yet or even, has not been laid down yet! Why is that? Surely they are not so shallow, so unaffected by the trauma of the divorce!

In fact, no, they are not shallow. Reality is, it’s the surest sign that they are miserable without you. How’s that? Well, you see, they are so hurt and lonely without you they run out to try to heal their wounds by finding someone to fill the hole in their heart since you left. Hey, they will do that before the end of the marriage if you have left energetically from the marriage. (Trust me, this is not justification, only an explanation.)

Beginning To Date Again

Those of us who cannot face jumping back in so quickly are left with the question of how in the heck do we start the process of dating again when we feel so broken and distrustful. Dating was so easy in high school. We were young and had a pool of people to choose from every day. They were all around us in our classes, and only a few already committed to someone. That’s not so true today.

From the time we are in our late 20’s to our golden years it seems the majority of the good ones are already taken. And, where the heck are the good ones that are left. It’s not like you are going to see them in study hall. Dating at work is difficult if not impossible for most of us, so where and how do we meet a potential date anyway?

And more importantly, how do you know when you are ready to dive back into the dating pool? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • Can you have a conversation with someone without mentioning your ex even once?
  • Have you gone through a period of mourning the loss of the marriage?
  • Have you worked through your anger?
  • Can you honestly say that the dissolution of the marriage was as much your fault as theirs?
  • Can you picture yourself being with someone else?
  • Can you picture yourself touching someone else?
  • Can you picture yourself kissing someone else?
  • Do you have a good grasp on what happened between you that didn’t work?
  • How about what did work?
  • Can you view your marriage and divorce as a “course correction” and not a dismal failure?
  • Do you have a clear idea of how you were responsible for what occurred?
  • Have you grown enough since your divorce that you can be the kind of partner that you want your partner to be?
  • Have you faced your own intimacy fears and blocks?
  • When you imagine dating someone have you already planned out your entire life with them? (If so, this is not a good sign)
  • Have you forgiven your ex?
  • Have you forgiven yourself?

When we have been betrayed, let down, disappointed, abandoned or even abused in our past relationships some of those questions can be really tough. But if you fail to work them through, you are setting yourself up to fail again and, no, you are not ready to date.

The Importance Of Self Growth

Most of us need to go through some kind of counseling or self-growth before we are ready to date again. Dating before you are ready can make dating excruciating for both people (not to mention the friends listening to our saga).

The most important questions are 11, 15 and 16. if you can answer those affirmatively then you might be ready to date, but only if you have fully grieved your marriage.

Grieving is a process that takes time, and a willingness to feel the hard stuff. And of course, like all grieving, it happens in stages and is never quite over. I remember being so glad to be out of the marriage, yet feeling a wave of grief when my ex re-married within two years of our divorce. I was confused at first, because I was clear I didn’t want to be married to him. But the truth is, seeing him marry reminded me of all the hopes and dreams I had of our marriage in the beginning. I had to grieve the loss of those hopes.

Give yourself time to heal, and to face your own part in what occurred between you and you will be ready to date again. For some of us it’s a matter of months, for others it may take years. Don’t let anyone rush you into it either. Friends feeling our pain may want us to get back on the horse again. But you are the only one who knows when you are ready. That said; don’t let fear keep you from riding the horse again. If you have worked through all the questions above, you should get back in the saddle regardless of how scared you are. You deserve to have the love you are capable of giving.

Sex On The First Date – Does That Mean The Relationship Is Doomed?

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Many people credit the indescribable, nebulous cause of “chemistry” with their initial attraction to their partner. But typically relationships built on nothing more than what amounts to intense physical attraction have a reputation for tapering off or ending abruptly. But a new study finds that people whose physical relationship progresses quickly prior to developing a deeper connection based on intimate knowledge of the other person may actually last just as long.

In an analysis of relationship surveys, University of Iowa sociologist Anthony Paik found that average relationship quality was higher for individuals who waited until things were serious to have sex compared to those who became sexually involved in “hookups,” “friends with benefits,” or casual dating relationships. However, having sex on the first date wasn’t to blame for the disparity.

Does Sex On The First Date Mean A Doomed Relationship?

According to Science Daily, “When Paik factored out people who weren’t interested in getting serious, he found no real difference in relationship quality. That is, couples who became sexually involved as friends or acquaintances and were open to a serious relationship ended up just as happy as those who dated and waited.”

“We didn’t see much evidence that relationships were lower quality because they started off as hookups,” said Paik. The study judged quality by asking participants the extent to which the person loved their partner, the relationship’s future, level of satisfaction with intimacy, and how their lives would be different if the relationship ended. According to the answers, the study administrators were able to deduce that although sexual involvement wasn’t to blame for the lower quality scores for relationships initiated as hookups.

Paik points to selection: Certain people are prone to finding relationships unrewarding, and those individuals are more likely to form hookups. The question is whether it’s the type of relationship that causes lower quality or whether it’s the people,” he said. “The finding is that it’s something about the people.”

People who are involved in hookups are likely predisposed to engage in short-term relationships, therefore they’d be unqualified for the parameters of this study which looks at long term relationships. Starting a sexual relationship prior to discussing important compatibility issues can spell disaster and pain in the long run – in part two of this article, I look at how to avoid overcommitting to a relationship sexually by taking time to ask important questions about each other’s background.

Q&A: What To Do If She’s Only In It For The Sex

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Men often get a bad rap for being in a relationship only for the sex and women get stuck being the “booty call.” But truth be told, some women will actually do the same thing to men and turn the man into the “booty call” instead of wanting a real relationship. It’s actually not that uncommon for a single, independent woman to want to be with a man simply for the great sex. What are the signs that she is, in fact, only in it for the sex and what should you do if she is?

Question: What should I do if it looks like the girl I’m dating is with me just for sex?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07gOFfWshus[/youtube]

What Are You Looking For In A Relationship?

If you suspect that your girl is with you simply for the sex, stop and think about what you’re looking for in a relationship. Are you looking for a relationship that is sex only, or are you looking for something more serious? Do you want a long term relationship or do you want a casual relationship that involves a friendship in addition to sex? Stopping to define what you want in a relationship at this stage in your life is essential in figuring out if you want to stay in this particular relationship or not. If your girl is in it only for the sex and you want a deeper, more emotionally fulfilling relationship, you might want to consider moving on and dating other people. On the other hand, however, stop and consider that while you’re not getting what you want out of a relationship with your current girl, are you satisfied for the time being? If you would end up being single anyways and spending your time masturbating instead of having sex, why not continue to stay in a sex-only relationship until you meet someone you are interested in starting a real relationship with? If your girl really is in it only for the sex, she won’t mind you keeping your eyes peeled for someone who can better meet your needs.

Signs That She’s Just Looking For Sex

If you’re not sure that she’s just in it for the sex but you have your suspicions, there are many ways to find out. The way she acts towards you and her behaviors will definitely clue you in if she just wants sex from you and nothing else. In fact, these are the same types of behaviors that guys exhibit when they’re with a girl that they just consider to be a “booty call.” Your girl may not call you for days after having sex with you, but will call you again out of the blue if she wants more. She may call you only at night, or very late at night if she’s been out partying or hanging out with friends. She won’t want to hang out with you and may make excuses if you want to take her to dinner or take her to a game. She may hide her relationship with you from her friends, acting like she is “just friends” with you when you and her are together in front of them. When you are alone with her, however, she may act completely different towards you. She may bring up sex a lot in conversations with you and her, or she may just flat out put the moves on you when you first walk in her door. She may ask you to leave after sex instead of offering to let you stay the night or she may leave your house rather than asking to stay.

What To Do If You Want More Than Just Sex

If you are really wanting more out of this relationship than sex, talk to your girl. Let her know that you’re not getting what you need. Let her know that you really like her and that you want to be more than just a “booty call” to her. In some cases, a girl will assume that the man just wants sex with her so she tries to be what he wants. She may be surprised to hear that you want more than just sex and that you actually want a relationship! Don’t break up with her or end the relationship before talking to your girl and being completely honest with her. If you really like this girl, it would be a shame to let her go because of a simple miscommunication! If she really does want just sex though, and you’re not into that, move on because there are lots of other girls that would love to have an emotionally fulfilling relationship along with a sexual one.

Dating In The Same Industry: Is It A Relationship Dealbreaker?

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Though it sounds similar, dating someone at your work can be very different from dating someone who works in the same industry. For example, politicians Bill and Hilary Clinton, writers Stephen and Tabitha King, artists Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo, or actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner may have never worked in the same office, co-wrote a book, shared a canvas, or acted in the same movie (respectively). However, they have traveled in the same circles, experienced the similar troubles, and strived to accomplish somewhat identical goals as the other.

Finding love within your field of work is very common since you are more likely to bump into one another and because you have a built-in shared interests (not only the career itself, but the traits that go along with it, like creativity, debate, expression, etc.). Also, knowing the complications and processes which accompany a particular position, that person is bound to be more sympathetic and able to better understand your project or plight.

Downsides To Dating In Your Industry

However, there are downsides to dating a fellow writer, lawyer, actor, or anyone else who shares your title. To start, could a conflict of interest cause a break up? If you find yourselves representing opposing clients or contesting for the same project, that competition can extend to your personal relationship. You may even be tempted use your intimate knowledge or position as a way to sabotage their chances from within (such as casually extracting private details about the project and, in turn, sharing them with your boss).

Another downside is that you are bound to know the same people, maybe even share the same friends. “Wait, this doesn’t sound like a bad thing,” you may be saying. Let me tell you, though, when it turns out your coworker is actually your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend or your best guy-friend was once punched by him in a drunken brawl, well, you can see where interacting with the same people can be a bad thing. Industry gossip can fly faster than a Boeing, and you may find yourselves caught up in it. Yet even if there were never any drama between the various parties, it can still be frustrating to share friends.

Finally, how would your relationship endure the success of one or the failure of another partner? One person is bound to earn more, gain more recognition, or achieve a higher position than the other. Would you be able to set aside your own feelings of hurt or rejection in order to praise your partner for his good work? Moreover, would you be willing to take a professional hit, if it meant that your partner would come out on top? Unfortunately, this kind of decision does occasionally surface and, when it does, it will be up to you to decide how your relationship will fare.

Q&A: Dating Tips – How Do I Make Her Like Me Even Though I’m White

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You like someone, but they don’t like you for some silly, superficial reason. What do you do? Should you try your best to get them to see past whatever it is that makes them not want to date you (because it is silly, after all) or do you simply let go and accept yourself for who you are? Here’s what to do when someone doesn’t want to date you because of something on the outside and won’t take time to get to know you on the inside.

Question: A girl says she only likes men who aren’t white. Is there a way to get her to like me even though I’m white?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVdugM0KWP4[/youtube]

Everyone Has Their Own Preferences

You’ve heard the saying, “to each their own.” This applies perfectly to this situation, because the truth of the matter is, everyone likes what they like. They also don’t like what they don’t like, and very rarely does that ever change. If it does, it is usually not because someone tried to “get” them to change their minds, but because the person themselves decided to try something new. If someone you like doesn’t like white people, or blondes or people that are too fat or too thin or even nerds or jocks for that matter, it may be superficial but you have to realize it’s what they like and that’s just the way it is. You like what you like (and don’t like what you don’t like) and while you may be more open minded than other people about who you want to date, you still have your preferences. Other people have theirs too, whether it seems silly to you or not and there’s just not much you can do about it.

Why “Getting” Someone To Like You Can Backfire

Trying to get someone to like you if they don’t can really end up blowing up in your face if you aren’t careful. Often, people who are trying to  make someone like them end up trying too hard and end up losing themselves in the process. If someone you like doesn’t like certain things about you such as your hair or your body build, you may feel compelled to get a hair cut or color and sign up for an expensive gym membership, spending the majority of your time working out. In essence, people end up changing themselves so much in the process of trying to make someone like them that they can’t stay in touch with their true selves. And in the end, it usually doesn’t work anyway and they still don’t like you. At the end of the day, you’re disappointed with a version of yourself that you’re not familiar with. Many people in this situation have pushed away friends and family during this time as well. Of course, this is worst case scenario. Regardless of what happens, however, trying to “make” someone like you very rarely works out to that person’s advantage.

Being Confident In Who You Are

Take a break from dating and figure out who you are, what you like and what you don’t like. Figure out things you’re willing to sacrifice in a relationship and what you’re not. Learn to be confident in yourself and love yourself for who you are, just the way you are. When you start dating again, date people who are interested in the real you and will accept you as you are. There are plenty of those people out there!