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Whether You Are With A Cougar Or A Sugar Daddy, Here’s How To Make The Age Difference Work For You!

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Even though the social situation of men dating and marrying “cougars” seems to be a relatively new idea, it’s actually been around for quite awhile. Some famous cougar women of the Twentieth Century include Mary Tyler Moore, Dinah Shore, Cher, Lana Turner, and, of course, Demi Moore. All of them were and are very sexy, vibrant women who attracted and sometimes married much younger sexy and virile men. Burt Reynolds, who was Dinah Shore’s love for a number of years, was twenty years her junior.

The older men who marry younger women have been called “sugar daddies” because, generally speaking, older men tend to be financially stable, able to afford a lifestyle for their second or third (or fourth) younger wives that the women would not be privy to with a man their own age.

Why Age Differentiated Couples Get Together

Today, life is both more complicated and simpler for couples with a big age difference. Financial security doesn’t necessarily come with age and the stigma that used to accompany these relationships is no longer as intense as it once was. More of us find ourselves in second and third (or more) committed relationships in the course of our lives. More age differentiated couples are formed due to mutual attraction and chemistry and less as a result of his or her net worth securing another’s youth and beauty.

What all this means is that couples with a big age difference between them are more likely to have formed due to healthy reasons, like falling in love! However, the game these couples play is complex. There are certain rules that help all players involved succeed. That’s what I want to share with you today.

I come to this article a little prejudiced. My husband, Joseph, is seventeen years my senior. Of all the memorable incidents related to our age difference, the most entertaining one to share happened after we’d been married for a number of years. Sitting across from a couple we’d just been introduced to at a luncheon, I watched their faces change expression as they figured out how to label us. At first they thought we were father and daughter. Their faces clearly revealed their discomfort with the apparent incestuous energy between us! When they discovered we were husband and wife, their faces relaxed momentarily only to scrunch up again as they clearly assumed Joseph was my sugar daddy!

How To Make The Age Difference Work For You

Learn to laugh together over those who will judge you. And they will. It doesn’t matter how sophisticated your family and friends may be, the age difference will push some buttons. Let that be their problem.

Respect the wisdom that comes with the greater number of years your partner has on you. This doesn’t mean you accept condescension from them. In fact, a good way to avoid being patronized is to appreciate their life experience and what that adds to both your lives.

There will be generation gaps. Accept them. Between Joseph and me it’s pretty harmless. I love situation comedies and he can’t stand them. I like his Rock ‘n Roll favorites from the early decades while he only tolerates the soft rock I prefer from later decades. These likes and dislikes aren’t worth forcing on each other. If there is something about your generation that he or she doesn’t appreciate, you are not being rejected. Let it go.

Respect the tension that might exist between you and your parents, aunts and uncles, and family friends who are the same generation as your lover or spouse. You now operate in their field of influence, so to speak, in a way you never did before. They may or may not be comfortable with this. It isn’t worth trying to fix. Let them work out how they deal with the tension and let them handle it. A 50-year-old referring to a 48-year-old as her “daughter-in-law” isn’t the end of the world, particularly when another parent considers her a good friend. As long as they’re doing their best and not trying to offend, let them off the hook.

Choose Your Battles

There are too many easy battles on this playing field that aren’t worth fighting. You do well to observe first and for a long time, giving yourself a chance to respond later. Similar to dealing with how your parents handle it, you may have his or her grown children in your life who are your peers or even older than you. It is wise to allow all these people their processes around your union while expecting to be respected at the same time.

Making friends as a couple can be a challenge. You may find that your friends are not comfortable with your lover (or spouse) and his or her friends are not comfortable with you (especially if there is an “ex” they are fond of). Getting married doesn’t make it any easier for the old friends to get on board. There’s a risk of becoming isolated but hang in there. Do things you both enjoy that involve other people and you’ll make new friends of a variety of ages who appreciate both of you.

This list isn’t exhaustive but it will get you started in the right direction. The simple version is respect and cherish each other for the unique gifts you each bring to what is still a unique relationship. Play and have fun. Let the good chemistry between you be evident for others to witness and they will eventually release their judgment and embrace your love for each other.

Presents Or Presence?

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I got an email recently after I gave a talk at a booksigning. I’d talked about being present and the importance of surrounding yourself with people who were also present. The woman explained she had been dating a man she met recently who was a successful lobbyist, but who was just as distracted. Here’s what she had to say about the rest of the story.

Being Present In Your Own Life

This weekend, another man, a very old friend, came to town…we’ve known each other 35 years (college). He came to my studio and asked about my work, and he was incredibly “present” with me. And you are right, it was a total and complete turn-on. Whoa!

The next day, I had dinner with the other man (the lobbyist) and he spent most of the time talking about how his recent ex-girlfriend is using a popular dating website and how her profile is full of lies, and that he ought to get his own profile … Big turn-off! We were supposed to go on a date this Saturday but I cancelled it because I decided I would rather have my own precious company, than his!

She followed up with another note a few days later.

Hi Maryanne, so interesting what happens when I choose me. I came home to find a huge box of flowers from my college friend. I’m sure that saying goodbye to that lobbyist was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Thank you…

J..Alder, Nor Cal

Bottom line, ladies and gentlemen: when we don’t know who we are, what we want or have our priorities intact, we fall into the default loop that was programmed into our subconscious long ago. We all know the drill: tall dark and handsome, good in the sack, rich, whatever. At some point we start to realize these arent things that make a great relationship. Someone we thought was hot becomes really unattractive when their real character starts to show.

Choosing Someone Who Is Present In Their Own Lives

I have met too many people who, time and again, confess that the things they thought they wanted werent essential at allor, at minimum, fell lower on the priority list than they once realized.

Perhaps rather than hot and successful being at the top of the list, you could alter it some and require that certain other qualities be immediately apparent. Things like being present to their lives and yours, someone who’s kind, honest, purposeful, and so on. Create your own list! But check it twice as the holidays approach so you don’t make any mistakes. Do you really want someone naughty or do you want someone one who’s mostly nice (and maybe a little naughty only on special occasions)?

How To Smell A Rat In The Dating Game – Or Find Out If YOU Are One! (Quiz)

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People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, how to date successfully, or meet someone and start a healthy dating pattern. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.

When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?

1. Human beings are not monogamous creatures

2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person

3. I’d rather wait until they are available

How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?

1. It depends on how well I know the person

2. If it feels good, do it

3. Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight

Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?

1. Some people just bring out the worst in each other

2. That was then and this is now

3. I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean

Does God matter in a relationship?

1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person

2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible

3.To each his own

When you should bring up marriage or commitment?

1. Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that

2. You should just go with the flow

3. Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away

At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?

1. Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for

2. If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it

3. Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later

When and how do you talk about STDs?

1. I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease

2. ASAP and gracefully

3. You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom

Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?

1. Everyone deserves a second chance

2. As long as it wasn’t murder

3. Depends on what for

Does everyone need a purpose in life?

1. I just want them to be happy

2. Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit

3. As long as it isn’t me

Do you believe in Happily Ever After?

1. I don’t need to anymore

2. I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements

3. Sure, who doesn’t want that?

Tally up your points with the key below and mail your score to info-at-maryannelive.com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur!

Key:

Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points

Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point

Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points

Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point

Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points

Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points

Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point

How To Tell If Someone Really Likes You

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I call them “leakers.” What’s a leaker? Someone who flirts with you, wants you to want them, who enjoys and prefers the chase, the hunt, the rush and the kill. Sounds messy eh? Oh, yeah. It can lure even the sweetest, most naïve person to sell their precious soul for just a taste.

I can’t tell you how many times friends or clients have complained about their disenchanting, painful encounters with “leakers.” Men and women who seem so great at first, almost to good to be true and then…wham, bam, ouch, waah…

What A Leaker Takes From You

A “leaker” leaks their sexual energy-and not in a “good way”. They will lead you on, bark up your tree, pursue you like you have never been pursued, woo you up the highest mountain. They are often incapable of intimacy, married or already in one or several relationships because they need so much attention.

So let me draw another parallel … leakers are like molten chocolate. They envelop you with their smoldering languid glances, devour you with their luscious smiles, seduce you with their choreographed confidence until you beg to drown a slow death in exchange for just a sip.

It’s that irresistible something you can’t put your finger on, but you want to be near or keep coming back for more of, ’cause its feels sooooo good. At least for now. But then you’ll eventually find out: she/he’s the seductress, the hedonist, the junkie, the shadow hissing and whistling, cat-calling you like an ancient siren that renders you deaf, dumb and blind to their true intentions. Doesn’t really matter if you have low, loads or no self-esteem – the leaker’s pull is like a vortex few can withstand as our hearts ache and long for what the shadow only pretends to bring…never-ending passion.

Leakers vs. Likers

So – how to tell the leakers from the likers? Here are a few tips that will help you navigate the dangerous waters of telling the leakers from the likers.

  • The first time you meet a leaker he/she will make you feel like you are the most special person in the whole world, forgetting where you are, as if you are the only two people in the whole room/train/dance club/world. You might never eat or sleep again, or at least will check your email (VM, whatever) 10 times an hour to see if they called, twittered, pinged you. Like a crack addict waiting for his junk. VS The first time you meet a liker you feel curious, a subtle yet particular interest to know more; you recognize their personal boundary and respect it, feel their reciprocal awareness of you but are not overwhelmed by it. You are left with a warm feeling.
  • The leakers leave you feeling insecure. VS The likers leave you feeling good about yourself.
  • The leaker’s affection isn’t exclusive to you and you start to wonder what you are doing wrong or what is wrong with you that you can’t keep their attention. VS The liker behaves this particular way in your presence alone, cordial and social to others but qualitatively different.
  • The leaker moves fast. VS The liker isn’t in a hurry; they know what they want and will wait.
  • Leakers are exciting but get bored and indifferent easily. VS Likers are more like a slow burn, not so quick to jump, they ramp up, like the buildup and are into sustainability.
  • Leakers have a rep for being, well, leakers; cheaters, players, have problems with commitment, etc. VS Likers have a history of trial and error, like most, but have a track record of longevity and heart and partner(s) who’ll vouch for it.

So, whether you are a leaker trying to quit, tired of getting leaked on, or simply satisfied to finally find a name for those folks who do that thing they do-there you go. And after all these years on my own path I can safely say I keep a healthy distance from the shark tank, however fascinating they are. As the saying goes; look, don’t touch! A little goes a long way!

Is The ‘Man Code’ Stupid?

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Most women will agree – men often have strange ways of doing things. Sometimes, it seems like they even have an unspoken camraderie, or “code” of ethics between them, even between two men that have never met before. Not surprisingly, men do have sort of an unspoken “man code” that they go by that dictates many of their actions in society.  But what is the “man code” really, and is it necessary?

Have you ever heard of the unspoken “man code”? You know it’s the rules that say you can’t date the ex girlfriend of your friend or that you have to keep a one urinal space in the men’s room…. If you have heard of the man code – do you thinks it’s still valid? Check out our YouTube page and tell us what YOU think about the “man code” and if you know a man who does or doesn’t follow the “code!”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjn3wFVHr2k[/youtube]

What Is The “Man Code?”

The “Man Code” is generally a list of behaviors – an unspoken list of behaviors, really – that dictate how a man acts in society or in public. It’s kind of like “manners,” but on steroids. Everyone knows that polite table manners dictate that you don’t put your elbows on the table while you’re eating, however, that doesn’t mean that everyone abides by that. Especially at really excellent BBQ restaurants. The “Man Code” is similar – men in general understand that there are certain things you should or should do, can or can’t do, and many of them choose to abide by this unspoken “code.”

What Does The “Man Code” Say?

Some of the items on the “Man Code” list are sensible, like taking the urinal at least one urinal away from a fellow man who is using the urinals, or using the farthest right or farthest left (instead of the center) urinal if there is no other men using the urinals so that if a fellow man should come in and use the urinals, he has the option to give you at least one urinal’s worth of space. Other items on the “Man Code” list seem silly, like never dating a man’s sister if you’ve known him for 24 hours or longer (unless you marry her), or only having to wait 5 minutes for a man. If a girl is involved, however, you add 10 minutes of wait time for every point on the hotness scale she is. If she’s a 10, you’re going to be waiting awhile.

Is The “Man Code” Stupid?

If some men want to follow their own code of ethics, that’s up to them. But enforcing the “Man Code” among other men can be pointless. In each country, each region, each city, and even each neighborhood, there are different behaviors that are expected, suggested, or even shunned. For example, what is shunned in a quiet, suburban neighborhood may be acceptable in a downtown suburb of a large city, or vice versa. Social and cultural rules aren’t uniform – they change from location to location, culture to culture and even person to person. Perhaps a better and more culturally evolved “Code” would be the “Be A Decent Human Being Code.”