Ugh! Saying relationships can be frustrating is a disgusting understatement. They can make you scream, cry, pull at your hair, and even pull at his hair—though I would advise against this. There are times when you really wonder if this relationship is worth the effort you put into it, like when you catch him telling a small lie or when he stands you up for dinner. When you are questioning (again!) whether you should forgive him, consider a few things.

Here’s an example scenario: your boyfriend goes out with his friends one Friday night. He says they went to the bar, had a few drinks, then he went home. While this part is true, he is telling a lie of omission by not informing you that it was, in fact, a strip club where they drank…something you angrily learn about through a mutual friend. Is this a deal-breaker?

Was It A Mistake, Or Was It Intentional?

Did he genuinely forget to tell you the part about naked women being at the bar? It’s hard to believe, but this part could possibly have slipped his mind—especially if there was a lot of imbibing that night.

Does He Know How You Feel About  ___________?

If you do not approve of him going to a strip club, does he know this? Have you told him explicitly how it makes you feel? If you haven’t, you cannot expect him to read your mind. Getting upset with him for going against your wishes, when he didn’t even know what your wishes were, is unreasonable. Be honest and very clear about your feelings.

Has This Happened Before?

This is a big sign of blatant disrespect if you have been open about your feelings, yet he commits the offense anyways. Assuming you are not being unreasonable (such as demanding he never again see the friend who drags him to strip clubs), he should want to make you happy. So if he knows you will be upset about something, yet still does it, this will likely not improve with time or effort.

What Is The Reason For His Behavior?

Let’s say he knows you don’t approve of him going to a strip club, yet goes anyway. Why is he doing it? Does he worry about looking “whipped” in front of his friends? If this is true, he will likely not change, which can lead to more problems down the road. Does he disagree with you about your imposed rule? Then this isn’t a deal-breaker, so much as a reason for further communication and possible compromise on the matter.

Each situation must be felt out to decide how you should handle it. It is hard to think about where you may be wrong in the heat of the moment. Yet in some cases, it is worth looking inward before making a snap judgment about the future of your relationship. Nevertheless, if you are simply not being respected by him, no amount of time or energy on your part can fix that.

All relationships ebb and flow, regardless of their longevity or level of commitment. The relationships change over time because the people within those relationships are changing. Sometimes those ebbs can be particularly treacherous, though, threatening to dissolve years of a couple’s hard work. When unhappiness rears itself—whether it is because of loneliness, external stress, or one of the million reasons a couple drifts apart—it can be very difficult to decide whether the relationship is temporarily out of service…or bound for the junk yard.

Digging Deeper

The first thing to figure out is what are you unhappy about? This is very important for one reason: is it directly related to your spouse? If it is work stress or a sudden death in the family, chances are it has nothing to do with your relationship. Rather, your spouse has become a scapegoat for your frustrations. However, if it is because of something your partner is doing (or not doing), that may be different. Is it your partner’s decreased sex drive? Is he or she not showing enough affection anymore?

Next, how long has this been happening? Are you on Day Three or Year Three of feeling like your marriage is doomed? While there is no definitive length of time within which you can consider your relationship to be in a rut, you may want to give it at least a couple months. Within that time, circumstances can drastically change, behaviors can adapt, and a looming problem can be resolved. However, this does not mean you should stick your head in the sand during this time. By all means, work on these problems as they crop up…but don’t consider your relationship null and void after a bad couple of weeks.

Can You Work It Out?

Third, is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is there anything present which gives you hope for the future? Maybe it is an unexpected, passionate kiss in the kitchen while cooking dinner. Maybe it is the admission that he or she was thinking about you all day. While these gestures are small, they can give just enough hope to the desperate partner to keep trying.

Next, is your partner willing to work on these issues, as well? You can read all the self-help books in the world, apply the techniques created by experts, plan extravagant dates to sweep your spouse off his or her feet; but if that person is not reciprocating or even trying, your efforts are in vain. It takes two people keep a relationship going. While the amount of effort may change over time, there must be at least a little exertion coming from each spouse.

Saying Goodbye

Finally, think about your life without this person. Would you be happier without this person in your life? This is the most telling sign of whether your bad relationship has reached its expiration date. Even in the gloomiest lulls or the most volatile arguments, a person can still think objectively: “My partner may frustrate the bejeezus out of me, but I still want him/her in my life.” If you think of a life without your spouse and all you feel is relief or hope, however, it is time to call it quits.