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Tiger And Elin: Brush With Death

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As more and more media outlets are reporting that Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin, may in fact be getting a divorce, I have a suggestion for them: break up to make up – or what I call a brush with death. One publication was reporting that Tiger offered Elin a hefty sum just to agree to stay with him for two years, so at least for one reason or another, he apparently wants the relationship to continue. Of course it’s completely understandable why Elin would just want to cut and run. She’s likely humiliated and burnt out on all the attention and speculation she’s received not only the past few weeks but over the last several years of being in the spotlight. She’s probably more than a little shell shocked and I would recommend that anyone in that situation give themselves some space.

Can Tiger And Elin Make It?

But I think it’s possible for them to eventually put the pieces back together. Sure, no one can really know what Tiger’s motivation was for offering her a settlement to stay with him but it shows that he DOES want her to stay with him in some way. And Elin has a right to be upset and angry – she SHOULD be angry over the way she was treated. I delve into the specifics in my book, Make Up Don’t Breakup, but something like this can’t be fixed overnight of course – there are deeply engrained patterns at work here and a lot of betrayal and deception at play. Which is why I recommend the brush with death – which I also talk about in the book, Adultery The Forgivable Sin – or breaking up to make up: the idea that the couple wants to make things work in the long run, but need some time to sort through their anger, frustration and other emotions on their own.

Overcoming The Obstacles

Now, I’m not talking about something where the couple breaks up with the “cushion” that it “might work out at a later date.” (How many times are we all guilty of saying, hoping for, or believing that?) What I’m talking about is an intentioned break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome.

But here’s the catch: the couple HAS to be committed to working things out, or else this can just be used as a license to act out on temporary emotions – actions that often have lasting implications. This would obviously only make the situation worse. When done for the right reasons – and under supervision of a therapist or counselor – A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Remember that creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning.

Tiger Woods’ High Priced Infidelity

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How’s this for high priced financial infidelity: Tiger Woods averaged 40-60K a weekend spent on high-priced call girls. That’s the word coming from an escort service owner who says she counted Tiger as one of her frequent clients. The owner of the agency told eonline:
People like Woods (rich, famous, etc.) utilized her business because “it’s supposed to be discreet. When you pay it’s established that it’s a business relationship. You don’t have a girl thinking he is going to leave his wife for her and they will fall in love and have a fairy tale relationship.”

How Infidelity Relates To Financial Infidelity

This also makes sense in light of statistical facts that even a “normal” affair only ends in a sustained relationship 1-3% of the time. Yet people like Tiger Woods commit financial AND physical adultery all the time – either by blatantly paying for sex via a service, or by paying to be romantically involved with a person that isn’t their spouse. I typically talk about financial infidelity – as I do in my book of the same name – as any time one person goes behind their partner’s back to make a financial purchase. It’s a symptom related to other problems that cause people to have physical affairs and it can be anything from getting extra cash back at the grocery store to use on yourself, to keeping a separate bank account for your own purchases.

Sure, Tiger Woods’ story is a bit extreme and most people aren’t spending that much behind their spouse’s backs, but the same conclusions can be drawn wether you’re dishonest about $40 or $40K and whether you’re just committing financial infidelity or if you’re also engaged in a physical affair. I believe adultery can be cured physiologically as well as emotionally (generationally) by balancing stress and brain chemicals, through Psychotherapy, medical work up and treatment as I do with my patients with a team approach with an MD.

Stress Can Contribute To Both Kinds Of Infidelity

People who have experienced severe stress, loss and separation with their parents at an early age suffer an impact on their hormones. This hormonal change results in what I call the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection to establish certain equilibrium physically. Having done much research on the subject, I believe these feelings follow people into adulthood as we see with people like Tiger Woods who are under a lot of stress. People who engage in an affair (emotional, financial, physical, or otherwise) are usually looking to self-medicate these feelings but what they’re really doing is creating even more stress, separation and loss in their lives.

Until they learn how to deal with the base causes of their emotions, they likely won’t be able to eradicate this cycle from their lives.

Tiger Woods’ Indescretions

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Tiger Woods has all but admitted his philandering ways, most recently coming out with a statement saying that he has “let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all my heart.”

It remains to be seen how everything unfolds, how many women come forward, and what exactly he’ll admit to, but for now the couple is seeking privacy, which is a prerogative we should all honor.

Why Do People Cheat?

In the November issue of The New York Daily News an article about “What Makes Men Cheat” reports that people cheat because something is missing from their lives – even though everything may appear perfect. The article mentions that just because people have mastered something – in this case, playing a sport – doesn’t mean they’ve been able to learn how to have a healthy, honest, and emotionally intimate relationship. Tiger and his wife are successful, rich and have two darling children. It’s possible that this last component may be a contributing factor for his affair(s).

When a new baby comes into the picture men lose center stage status. They might begin to feel like a neglected sibling, fighting for attention from their wife. Of course, no one wants to admit this because feeling competitive with your child or baby just seems silly. Statistics show that a set-up for adultery is created with this complex combination of feeling neglected, feeling guilty, and repressing those feelings.

How To Heal After An Affair

Reports are now surfacing that Tiger is amending his pre-nup to include an extra “payout” to his wife Elin if she stays with him for a certain length of time. Of course, I don’t believe you can buy love, but I do believe that people can move beyond affairs and relationships can heal. I discuss this concept extensively in my book, “Make Up Don’t Break Up.” If both parties are willing to reconcile, a new, healthy relationship can be built from the ground up. Healing is possible, and privacy at this time is key for the couple to sort out their complex feelings.

Tiger Woods – Shame On Who?

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Men have plenty of excuses for Tiger Woods’ sexual mis-steps ~ things like: “Powerful men have a higher sex drive” or, “Men are just wired that way” or, “If women don’t want their men to stray, they need to turn up the passion in the bedroom.” And I say – Pleeeeze! We all know that men do not have a corner on the hormone market; the secret’s out and the facts are in, so enough with this foolishness—if we’re looking for excuses, let’s come up with something original. On second thought, why make excuses at all?!

Let me direct your attention to what I’m calling SI: Spiritual Incontinence. Defined: a sudden swift departure from one’s internal compass, brought about by the unconscious wound of separation. SI, I believe, is a malady that most of us who live in the western world not only suffer from but, ironically, subscribe to. We know what the high road is, and choose to submit to our lower nature, to hell with the consequences. And yes, I said choose.

Choices, Choices

It’s one thing to be broke and uneducated and thus make poor choices out of ignorance; it’s another to be out of integrity and behave abominably on purpose. Maybe my view point will explain things better – I believe that people just do what they do. (And, in many cases, whatever they can get away with! Or THINK they can get away with!) Unless you are a bona fide junkie, addicted to the rush of break-up and make-up, wake up and smell the truth:

First, being famous, powerful, rich or having a penis, in general, is not a precursor to infidelity or cheating. The difference between being a cheater and having cheated is gaping. If you don’t know the difference, bone up and grow up. There is no longer an excuse for not educating yourself unless you cannot read.

Second, women who choose to be in relationship with men who are cheaters do so because we are either afraid to be abandoned or alone, are financially dependent, are defined by a man wanting or loving us, or simply do not yet honor and respect ourselves. Take note: NONE of these reasons fall into the “we actually love him and want to stand by him” category.” This is immature and romanticized. And if your man has moved from having cheated to being a cheater, he doesn’t need help. You do—get some, and some self-respect while you’re at it. You will be thrilled you did in the long run!

Getting Some Peace Of Mind

Third, do you know what one of women’s greatest strengths is? One of our greatest gifts? Our intuition. We see the red flags; we just …want what we want. We want handsome, tall, and strong/rich, powerful, and sexy/ hunky, artistic, etc., etc., guys who will sweep us off our feet and we’ll live happily ever after. We like the idea of love, not the reality. And I gotta tell you this; fantasy gets us into more trouble than just about anything. Slap yourself. Pay attention. Do your homework. Very few men turn into cheaters who were not already cheaters of some kind. The writing is on the wall—read it OR pay the price. How much is your peace of mind, your soul, worth? I’ll bet Mr-pro-golfer’s wife is asking herself that right now. Heavy price to pay, I say!

And fourth – and last (for now, anyway) – Do you want to stay a victim and a blamer, or embrace the path of a skilled relationship warrior goddess? Maybe it’s time to fan your inner flame, turn up the volume of your passionate heart, and say YES to what’s most sacred and NO to what is not. To deny any suitor who has not taken care to bow before the divine, honor women and children, to live by the code inscribed in their deepest core, whose life reflects this on and off the field! How about you…shame on who?

Great relationships begin within!

Are Bankers And Financiers More Vulnerable To Affairs?

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During a recession, bankers are the new lawyers. You know, the butts of jokes, either loved or hated. A new study shows many are feeling hated and seeking love in all the wrong places.

According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

Does Money Make You More Vulnerable?

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book Financial Infidelity, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

Relieve Stress Without An Affair

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.