Love & Romance

Romance For Men: Following The Platinum Rule For A Better Relationship

The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is often promoted as the most important standard to maintain a rewarding relationship with the rest of the world. When it comes to romance, though, the Golden Rule has probably hurt more relationships than it has helped, since there’s often a distinct difference between what a man wants and what a woman wants.

Keeping Romance Alive With The Platinum Rule

Fewer people have heard of the Platinum Rule, which says “Do unto others as they want you to do unto them.” Following the Platinum Rule is a much better way to keep romance alive in your relationship, but for most men, simply following the rule is the easy part. Finding out exactly what a woman wants can be a difficult thing for men to do, especially since every person’s desires evolve over the course of a relationship. Applying the Platinum Rule to your relationship can dramatically improve your satisfaction, but it also requires consistent attention to identify her desires.

The most obvious way to find out how she wants to be treated romantically is by asking her. While we promote good old-fashioned romance on our website, and we will always believe that it will lead to more happiness in most relationships, we also realize that there are some women who might not like the type of gallant attention that it calls for. Some women simply don’t like classically romantic overtures, and measuring her reaction when you bring up topics of amour can give you a clue to what kind of a partner she really wants.

Being Empathetic To Satisfy Your Partner

In some cases, the best way to find out how she wants to be treated is through good old empathy. Your wife or girlfriend might not be able to really tell you what she thinks about romance, but you should know her well enough to put yourself in her shoes for a while. Does romantic behavior embarrass or intimidate her, or does she light up at small loving gestures and actions? Will it take some consistent effort to get her used to being romantic, or is she more comfortable with you treating each other as peers and friends? Old-fashioned romance can seem outdated and schmaltzy to some women nowadays, and there’s nothing wrong with that opinion.

Using the Platinum Rule and treating her as she wants to be treated will inevitably lead to more romance and satisfaction in your relationship, even if you discover she isn’t as interested in overt physical affection on a regular basis.

View Obstacles As Positive Challenges

There’s no single formula for successful couples, and what works for you will have a lot to do with your partner’s unique personality and the dynamics of your relationship. Just remember one important rule of thumb: if her romantic desires don’t mesh perfectly with yours, look at it as a challenge, not a hindrance.

Perhaps most importantly, using the Platinum Rule in your relationship will likely lead to a great return on your investment. Once she sees how dedicated you are to treating her as she wants to be treated, she will be much more likely to take the time to do the same for you, as well.

Men Must Get Away From The Source Of Their Stress: That Means You

By sarahelizabethmalinak

The other night on twitter I saw a “tweet” that encapsulated a man’s need to go to his cave when stressed out by relationship issues with his woman. With everything I have read that has explained the phenomenon to me, nothing has brought it home to me like this micro-post. It read, “Girls: Guys must get away from the source of their stress. When he’s in his ‘Nothing Box,’ he’s not mad, he’s simply de-stressing.” I’ve never heard of a man’s “nothing box” before but it is obviously the same thing as “the cave” reference that Dr. John Gray made popular two decades ago. I prefer “cave” because it sounds manly! The “nothing box” sounds like a diminishment of something that I have come to learn is very important to men.

When A Man Needs His Space

If the concept is new to you, let me explain it. However, new the concept is, it is a good bet you have experienced it! When a man and woman are in an argument, at some point the conversation breaks down because he has to get away. Whether he goes for a drive, picks up the newspaper and starts reading, or goes to his office or work room, the man needs space and he creates it. He creates it immediately without consulting you or asking your permission. Women tend to find this behavior dismissive and insulting.

The cave also looks like this – the man comes home at the end of his work day and he just isn’t interested in how your day went. He wants to sit back and relax. He wants the television or the newspaper or to disappear somewhere out of range. He doesn’t seem to want his woman’s company. That is not if she needs to talk. If she genuinely wants to sit quietly with him doing her own reading or watching TV, that’s great. However, he unwinds best without conversation and by creating space for himself.

As I write this, I have a chorus of women’s voices in my head screaming at me, “Don’t you dare justify this behavior in men!” Well, I apologize ladies; but, indeed, I am going to justify it. I can promise you this: if you will get on board with this phenomenon in men, your life and your relationship will improve.

Can A Man’s Need To Destress Make Your Relationship Better?

Joseph’s (my husband’s) and my podcast has given us the gift of talking with many high quality relationship experts this year. In fact, two of our early guests were Dan and Jennifer! The men who are out there writing and making a difference in relationships have consistently referred to how a man has to process his feelings on his own. They discuss the science of how men’s and women’s minds work differently. This has been very helpful because how our minds work goes back to prehistoric days when the differences sustained communities and saved lives.

For instance, have you noticed that when a man is driving in heavy traffic, he isn’t inclined to carry on lengthy, winding conversations with his woman? If you are in the middle of a conversation it will come to an abrupt end as the traffic gets all of his attention. This is because men are wired to protect. In situations where physical harm could occur, their focus becomes laser sharp on protecting. Conversation be damned! There have probably been countless arguments in the front seats of cars for decades because she was talking, his attention completely left her to focus on his driving, and she felt dismissed!

Over and over again, men who are relationship experts agree, men process their feelings on their own. It is hardwired into their chemistry and their physiology to separate themselves from the women they love when under stress with those women.

The Differences Between Men And Women

Women can talk for hours about everything they experience, think, and feel. Men cannot. It isn’t that they don’t want to. They can’t. Between Joseph and his men friends, they all know when one or more of them just can’t talk anymore. Between men it isn’t insulting for one or more of them to withdraw either physically, emotionally, or mentally when talking comes to the point of being overwhelming. Also, between Joseph and his men friends, the only thing they laugh at where their marriages are concerned is how they cannot keep up with their women’s talking and sharing.

Joseph and I talked about this quote, “Girls: Guys must get away from the source of their stress. When he’s in his ‘Nothing Box,’ he’s not mad, he’s simply de-stressing.” He said, “I know this sounds terrible, but it’s like dog training! You know how when training a dog, it tires the dog out because it forces the dog to think so much? Well, that’s how it is for men. We simply cannot keep up with our women when it comes to talking and sharing. It’s one reason we get angry about it. We cannot keep up with it and that causes us to feel shame. Once that shame button is switched on, the conversation is over.”

He went on to say that men are problem solvers. In all that talking, problems aren’t being solved. Therefore, all that talking is a source of stress. Eventually, the only way he can process the stress is to get away from it.

So how will a woman’s relationship improve when she accepts this masculine phenomenon? By accepting a man’s social and biological reality, she respects him. That respect of him translates into his love for her growing. Men adore women who respect them. It is as simple as that.

What I got so deeply out of that micro-post was this: it isn’t personal. When he goes to his cave, he is taking care of his needs. In a very real sense, it isn’t about me. Respecting his masculine process allows us both to relax and get back to the good stuff, living life together in love.

Show Me You Love Me

By maryannecomaroto

“I love you” is more than words.

We all know this. Words are easy to say – actions are more difficult to, well, put into action. And commitment … that can be an entirely different story altogether! Just ask any of the reality stars who’ve looked for so-called love and ended up with egg on their face when the relationship ended days, weeks, or months later.

It All Begins With Number One

This all sounds basic, but it’s something we need to keep in mind and know the difference between (action vs. words) BEFORE you drop your drawers. No matter how good he or she makes you feel—and, like we both know, chemistry feels soooooo good! We need to stop, slow down and pay attention to what people DO and what they SAY and SEE if they match. Or we have only ourselves to blame.

So here is some real tough love! You want a great relationship? It’s not about someone saying the right words, and it doesn’t start with someone doing all the right things. Finding love begins with loving ourselves and understanding that love is NOT a competition; and getting that special girl or guy is not a reward for being sexy, beautiful or better than someone else. Sex is a sacred act. Our bodies are sacred temples and we get into trouble when we don’t recognize or respect ourselves accordingly.

Love is not negotiable; it doesn’t disappear in the presence of someone cuter; love isn’t confused or bored. The truth is love is a decision we make in our hearts and souls, coupled with a deep resonance; mentally, physically, and spiritually. NOT a chemical reaction – what some people call “chemistry” (which I don’t believe actually exists as a real thing). That is lust, our lower instinctive nature, fleeting and honestly not necessarily part of a great relationship.

Love Is Truly An Action

So forget chemistry or whatever you want to call it – when you have strong feelings for someone and are deciding if you want to spend more time with them—share your life, heart and soul—you want to make sure this person will be the best, most capable person for the job, which is evidenced by building trust over time. Watch what they say and make sure it matches what they do in ALL areas of their life, with their family, co-workers, the waiters and waitresses, strangers and especially their ex-partners!

What I am saying (and, I know, in long, run-on, busy sentences) is that love is not a feeling. It’s not some mythical version of a chemical connection. It’s not feeling the same thing over and over for different people. Love is an action. It’s a state of being. It doesn’t choose one person over another and it does NOT have a shelf life. I have said, like our bachelor, “I love you,” many times. And depending on where I was at in my life it meant different things. It meant “I need you, I am glad you care about me, please love me back, let’s have sex, don’t ever leave me,” and on and on. Until I grew up, which is a choice I get to make every day, by the way. To be mature and responsible. And practice the art of loving. Starting with me.

Don’t Lose Yourself To Get Love

By maryannecomaroto

Far too many people have the notion that in order to find and keep love in our lives, we must first abandon our authentic selves to become some version of whatever the other person wants us to be. Most of us, at some point, learned this was a good idea – maybe from our parents, from our friends, as kids, or even later in our adult lives. However it happened, most of us are imprinted with the belief that love has to be earned—or, at minimum, looks a certain way. (IE. I do this or that and then you’ll love me.) Dr. Helen Fisher, whom I greatly esteem, calls this your love map.

What Is A Love Map?

And I strongly recommend you learn what your love map looks like – Intimately! Otherwise you end up falling victim to the unconscious loop that most of us repeat over and over, and NOT in a good way. Here are some fateful patterns I’ve seen far too often: you always attract people who cheat, are narcissists, are abusive, have no drive, are alcoholic or addicted to pornography, or perhaps they just can’t seem to tell the truth about anything (especially when it comes to where they have been and who with); and the list literally goes on and on.

Making the distinction between who I am being (my persona or inauthentic self) and my true self (or authentic self) is the first step in the process of awakening, which leads to the eventual shift from unconsciously and reflexively choosing the same type of relationship over and over again.

Over the last 25 years of working in the personal development industry I have learned some amazing things, some absolutely life-altering truths that have become creed because they were ultimately irrefutable (true whether or not I believed them).

What Is NOT Love?

Few rival my understanding of what love is NOT:

Chemistry is not love. Chemistry is…well…chemistry.

Desire is not love. Hmmm, yeah, it’s more like being addicted to the feeling of wanting something you can’t have, so you set yourself up again and again to feel it!

Longing is also not love!

Feeling lovesick isn’t love either. Confusing this with love most likely can be traced back to a love map laced with abandonment issues.

Infatuation, often confused with love, is a strong psychological projection onto the love object.

Lust, hmmm, a biological function designed to procreate. (Period.)

Abuse, definitely NOT. Usually a direct connection to our low- or no-self-esteem!

Neglect, no, not love either. There’s always time for some loving exchange!

Indifference. Ouch. Nope. Not likely. More likely booty call, or they’re just not into you at all!

Making Better Choices

For me, making this/these distinctions saved me a whole hellavalotta heart ache. I learned to make better choices and found that I respected myself even more when I focused on what was real and authentic about myself, rather than focusing on trying to figure out who you wanted or needed me to be. At first, like with many things, I had a tough time believing this was true and still find I can get caught in that trap. But overall, this awareness makes it possible for us to attract and create a healthy, loving relationship rather than one based on deserve and reward.

Curiosity Creates Romance

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Hidden expectations are one of the primary things that hurt a relationship. The expectations go beyond the desire to be loved for who we are. They have to do with us looking good and being right where our friends and family are concerned.

The expectations include things like what we want this person to be like, what he or she should look like, sound like, and act like. They can be about wanting him or her to have a certain religion, a particular sense of humor, and a certain body type, even a desire for finger nails and toe nails to be shaped in a familiar way. Hair color and texture can matter. The sounds they make when they eat food or sip liquids. What they look like when they are about to bust a gut from laughing so hard.

Forgiving What Doesn’t Meet Our Expectations

In the beginning, whatever doesn’t meet your expectations falls under the grace of forgiveness. We forgive a lot of flaws in our partner when love is new. We are frequently forgiving because even as the peculiar laugh irritates, we are ashamed to find ourselves repulsed by our beloved. We extend ourselves past the uncomfortable feelings our expectations present because this person makes us feel seen, loved, and whole as no one else has before. How can we find flaws in someone with such godlike gifts of seeing, loving, and healing? Besides, he or she has the same experience of you! As a godlike creature in his or her life, how can you be so little as to have a problem with those pinky toes that lie sideways?

As time goes on and the honeymoon feelings fade, the little irritations get larger. Suddenly you are faced with a host of expectations you didn’t even know you had to meet that agenda of being right and looking good. This phenomenon is irritatingly predictable. It is based on the ties of loyalty that bind us to those who came before the romantic partner. If your family had a thing against redheads and the man you now love is a redhead, those wires are eventually going to cross. Because of loyalty, they are likely to cross with your beloved and make sparks there rather than between you and your family.

Having The Courage To Accept The Little Things Again…And Again

Truly accepting your beloved when you are forced to face the little repulsions that show up takes courage. You have to be brave to, even inside yourself, turn to your family and previous friends and choose your lover all over again. I mean, it really is silly to dislike his “outie” belly button just because no one in your family ever had one. It is also silly to cringe at her strong opinions just because your mother kept hers to herself. Many of these things you now have trouble with, you may have loved in the beginning just because in the face of those differences you felt such intimacy and vulnerability sharing them.

I have stumbled upon a cure for this phenomenon that threatens to undermine how close you feel to one another. The cure will renew a right spirit between you, fan the flames of the chemistry you still share, and make you long for each other’s company like in the old days.

Curiosity As A Cure

The cure is curiosity. Think back to a time when you were curious about something, anything. Wasn’t your mind open as a result? Didn’t it make a difference in your attitude and actions? For instance, you’re walking in your favorite park when out of the corner of your eye you spot something orange moving in the grass. You’re curious. You stop to look more closely. The orange is fuzzy and striped with white and darker shades of orange. Someone abandoned kittens in the park! If your curiosity remains heightened, your time in the park ends with scooping them up, taking them home, and having to decide whether to keep them or find them good homes.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who wasn’t your “type?” Your “type” didn’t change. Your curiosity kicked in and you found yourself responding to someone’s mind, sense of humor, or kindness for a change. He or she felt like home and, with your curiosity heightened, you gave the possibility of love a chance.

Have you ever received horrible service at a restaurant, determined to leave a lousy tip to clearly send a message of your disapproval while contemplating confronting your server? Then you overhear a conversation between your server and the manager and you realize she has had a hell of a day. Your curiosity takes what you heard further and wonders just how bad a day it might have been. Next time she visits your table, you go out of your way to be friendly and kind, receiving a tentative smile from her. You decide to leave a big, fat tip in the hopes it will turn her day around. Curiosity made that shift happen.

Learning To Truly Love Through Curiosity

Curiosity makes positive shifts happen for lovers as well, restoring the romance and fanning the chemistry. The next time he’s talking a mile a minute and it’s all about him check the annoyance and ask yourself, “What’s he so excited about? This thing he’s talking about must be really important to him.” Let your curiosity take over. You will find yourself engaged in his conversation and, eventually, the conversation will come back around to you.

With those funny pinky toes of hers that lie at an awkward angle, wonder to yourself what they must have looked like when she was an infant and at least two people thought she and all ten of her toes were perfect. Your mind and heart will open and it will no longer matter that your last girlfriend had beautiful feet! The intimacy of loving this woman will win and you will too.

Curiosity opens the mind and the heart to new possibilities. Try applying it to your beloved and watch the passion rise!