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Commitment Issues… And Another Woman!

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I think we’ve probably all been in, or have known someone in this situation…

You meet someone really great, you have a lot in common, you have so much fun together, you really click. There’s just one little problem. He already has a girlfriend! The particular type of man that I’m referring to says that leaving the other woman. He just won’t say when. He tells you to hold on, it’ll be worth the wait and you’ll be together soon.

Here’s a question from Marie who is in this exact situation.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I met this man online a year ago. I flew out to spent a few weekends with him knowing that he had a girlfriend. He keeps telling me he’s going to end it, to hang on that it’ll be worth it… But the last time I was there, he couldn’t tell me how he feels about me. So I said “OK,it’s time to walk away”, but now he keeps calling and texting me. I don’t get it. He’s all I think about. He’s 51 and never been married and I’m not 20 any more! Please, it’s driving me crazy. I really like this man. We have fun, laugh a lot, and really have a lot in common. So what’s the problem? Oh, I might add that he’s still on the same dating site where we met. I know because I go on to chat with others while I wait for him. Thanks for any truthful advice you can give.

— Marie

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO8klHdq2Dw[/youtube]

Dump him – he’s stringing you along!

I’m usually flexible on these things but on this one I say… “Dump him” – he’s stringing you along. That’s all it is, he is playing you like a fiddle. Leave now before it’s too late. Obviously he wants you around to boost his ego and to get a little on the side.

One of the most difficult things we can face in a relationship is deciding when to cut our losses and simply walk away. And at this point you’re on the losing side… So it’s time to move on and make room for the right person to come into your life.

Make room for the right person to come into your life.

While you’re holding on to this man, you’re preventing the right man from coming into your life. Let this one go and create room in your life for the right person. Find the one you will make the greatest romantic connection with and who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

Trying to start a new relationship over a long distance is hard enough without the added complexity of another woman and his obvious commitment issues.

He’s never been married and his current girlfriend is there all the time. He’s not likely to leave her – she’s a sure thing – and what’s more she got there first. That’s a rough one… He may be be coming up to see you all the time and truly enjoying your time together, but you have to see that he’s not putting any effort into this. If you just want to play around and have some fun that’s one thing, but it sounds like you want a relationship. And if that’s true, then he’s not the guy for you.

You may not be 20 anymore, but you’re not dead either.

Don’t make decisions out of fear that the clock is ticking or the fear of being alone.

Just take one day at a time and live your life in a joyful and fun way. The right person will come along for you.  Whenever we feel that we NEED something, we actually create more ‘need’ and push away the things that we think we need. Choose to be happy either way!

It is easy to say that I’m getting older so why not settle for this guy. He’s not that horrible anyway…

That sucks! That’s not the way to do this. “Oh My God I need to land somebody before I get any older so we can grow old(er) together. Don’t think thatway… Your only 47 – that’s still young! If you settle for this guy and he turns up to be a real loser, guess what? Now you’re 57 and you’ve spent 10 years of your life waiting for this guy to change. Don’t do that. You’ll only regret it later.

As long as you cling to the wrong guy, there’s no room in your life for the right one who treats you with the love and respect you deserve.

Move on and live your life, one day at a time… You are worthy of love and you will find the right man for you!

The Secret to Lasting Romance: How Subtlety Could Save Your Relationship

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You can’t really blame some modern men and women for rolling their eyes at the idea of old-fashioned romance. The phrase brings to mind antiquated images of dramatic gestures, overly poetic assertions and a sort of starry-eyed obliviousness that most contemporary lovers find pretty silly and unrealistic.

The classic knight-in-shining-armor story can make for a fun diversion occasionally, but prevailing wisdom has for the most part left old-fashioned romance for dead; a charming but absurd remnant of times when people were less worldly and more gullible.

Real Romance is Subtle, Not Flashy

But is real, lasting romance truly dead in the modern world, or has a cynical pop culture just made us all think that romantic relationships are on the decline? Here’s a newsflash that thousands of couples who are in a long-term, monogamous relationship have already figured out: old-fashioned romance is as present today as it ever has been… and the theatrical, melodramatic type of romance you see in movies and read about in books never really existed in the first place.

That’s not to say that romance isn’t a very real, very powerful force that can open up amazing new avenues of contentment for couples. But the real power of old-fashioned romance has always been in its subtlety and consistency… not in the ridiculous, over-the-top gestures that pop culture wants you to think constitutes being romantic.

In fact, the very reason that some people think old-fashioned romance is dead — because they just don’t see it around them all the time — stems from the fact that real romance, by its nature, is a very private, very unpublicized affair. And ironically, the flashy, truckload-of-roses type of romantic gestures that modern media wrongly promotes as yesterday’s norm is exactly the type of stuff that can quickly lead to the end of a relationship if you depend too much on it.

Are You Trying to Promote Your Relationship… Or Yourself?

Don’t get me wrong; dramatic productions that declare your love for another person can be wonderful. But anyone who thinks that proposing to someone on live television will produce an unbreakable relationship is sorely mistaken. Bringing your sweetheart a truckload of flowers on one special day is fine, but real old-fashioned romance is better illustrated by bringing them one flower once a week for the rest of your life.

Thanks to the in-your-face, self-indulgent nature of today’s diverse media, a whole new generation has……

emerged that thinks that romantic relationships are only validated if affection is shouted over the airwaves or witnessed by millions. But that kind of flashy, public flaunting isn’t what old-fashioned romance is all about.

Real romance is quiet, patient and consistent. When people go out of their way to show the world how romantic their relationship is, it’s usually themselves they’re trying to promote.

Let Them Think Old-Fashioned Romance is Dead!

So, is true, old-fashioned romance dead in the world? Well, by today’s pop-culture standards, the answer is yes. You won’t see much real, durable romance on reality television shows or splayed out on a blog for web surfers to dissect. Truly romantic people take satisfaction from romance itself, not from bragging about it. And because real romance is about long-term commitment and dedicating yourself to a relationship that can frequently be difficult, not many people in the immediate-gratification crowd will want much to do with it.

But that’s just fine; for those of us who have added old-fashioned romance to our lives, the reward comes in subtle, wonderful ways every day. And the fact that those rewards are private and unpublicized make them even better. Let the pop-culture crowd think that old-fashioned romance is dead. Romantic relationships will continue to blossom all around them, unnoticed, just like they have for thousands of years.

Rock Star Syndrome – Are You In Love With Him or the IDEA of Him?

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Every little girl grows up wanting to be a beautiful princess. So is it any wonder that young girls are so attracted to rock stars, movie stars, and pop idols?

After all, they’re waiting for their gorgeous prince to ride in and rescue them, after which they’ll fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. And in today’s world, these guys are the closest thing they’ll find to a prince.

She thinks it’s true love. But what happens when this young woman figures out she’s not going to be his princess… and then realizes he’s got a princess in every city?

Here’s a question from a lady in Jamaica who’s enamored with someone famous and exotic, but she’s afraid she’s going to make a mistake taking their relationship too seriously and having a baby with him!

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am currently seeing someone who is part of an entourage of someone who is famous. I’m not expecting much from the relationship because I know he has girls throwing themselves at him daily. But, he brings out a certain side of me that I didn’t know existed – I feel ‘free’ when I’m with him.

The last time we were together he asked me a very shocking question. He asked if and when I’m ready to have a child if I would have his child. I really do not know what to do about this crazy relationship.

I try to stop from thinking about him but I am unsuccessful. Is something wrong with me for wanting this type of man?

— Shauna, Jamaica

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBFvWk8dKGI[/youtube]

Embrace How You Feel. There’s Nothing Wrong With You!

It’s OK to feel absolutely any way that you feel. Always embrace your feelings and accept them, but also understand where they’re coming from.

Being enamored with someone who has a life you can only dream of is very common, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Just understand this adoration for what it truly is.

Do You Love Him or the IDEA of HIM?

He says he loves you, and you say you love him.

But the most important thing is to separate the man from the overwhelming essence of freedom, power, and glory. Love the man, not the clothes, the cars, the money, the fortune, the fame. That’s his life, not yours. And it can end as abruptly as it started.

Having a love affair with his image will only leave you empty and feeling cheated when it’s over.

Can You Have a Family with a Man Like This?

Sure you can, but only if you’re fully ready and willing to be a single mom. The free spirit that so attracts you today is NOT “settle down and have a family” material; quite the contrary. Sure there are exceptions, but it normally doesn’t work that way.

You want a family and children with this man? Great. Get together and stay together for a few years. Get married, or not, whatever your preference, and figure out if your love is true. But get close, live your lives together, and then decide if you still truly want to be together for the long run. Only then should you consider bringing children into the world together.

Before that time, you have no way to know if he’ll be around. You’ll still be guessing, but at least it’ll be an educated guess.

How to Set Your Expectations

Is it possible to be in love with someone like this? Absolutely!

But be wary of setting expectations until you fully understand the situation. Base your plans on what is truly there, not on wishful thinking and excitement.

By all means enjoy your life and your times together, and have great fun. And let the relationship grow and evolve at it’s own pace. Don’t try to “lock it in” with marriage or (much worse) by having a child.

Why There’s Still Hope for Marriage

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Why do we cry at weddings?

I think its because we are all hopeless romantics.  We all want the dream of a lasting connection that keeps us engaged and invested.  We want to feel hot about our lover 30 years into the marriage and we want that for others.  We cry because we want it for ourselves and because we don’t really know if it’s possible.

My daughter cried at my wedding. She was, afraid, perhaps.  Afraid that while it seemed so good at the point of the wedding that it might not end up the fairy tale. I’ve been married three times now and she knew how it could turn out. She has seen my two previous marriages fail and got a really clear picture of how bad a bad marriage can be. But even at that third attempt, she cried. She wanted, at 16 to have a father who cared about her, and a husband for her lonely mom. Her hopes brought tears.

As she walked down the isle herself, a couple of weeks ago, I cried. My husband asked me what I was feeling and I told him, “Sad, glad, wonderful.”

What was amazing me was that in spite of seeing me go through two disastrous marriages, she still had hope.  She believes in her ability to love, and she believes in her husband.

When I hear the debate about whether you should stay together for the kids or show them that it’s okay to find happiness, I am amused. Ideally, we should all be able to make it work out. But watching miserable parents suffer for their sake does not make for well-adjusted children.

What I like to think my daughter saw, which gave her continued hope, is that when you are determined enough, anything is possible.

Ending two marriages in divorce was not what I wanted for my kids, or in the least, myself.  I was ill equipped to manage a lasting connection.  My mother also went through two divorces, one when I was a toddler, and another long after I was grown.  So I saw both divorce, and “staying together for the kids”.  Neither provided me a model for intimacy.

But I was determined to have what my mother did not, a lasting, intimate connection with my husband.  What I did, and what my daughter witnessed, is to find out what it took to have what I dreamed of having.

I hoped therapy would help me find it. And undoubtedly, the work I did and the things I learned did pave the way.  But it wasn’t until I discovered the Cycles of the Heart model that I fully understood why it is so horribly difficult for most of us to have that romantic dream.  And it wasn’t until I understood the way out that I was able to do it differently.

Discovering that the way our minds are wired and… how our culture has indoctrinated us into believing that we have to view every problem as a question of “who is to blame” transformed my life and my relationships.

I also believe that it is why my daughter was able to confidently take her vows with a kind, loving man with whom I have no doubt she will have a marvelous life.  She learned, along with me, that there is a different way to live than we have been led by biology and culture to believe.

So I cried at her wedding. I cried from a depth of understanding of the possibilities before her, at 27, which were not there for me.  My joy overflows, because she is starting out her life with wisdom that eluded me.

She cried at her wedding, too.  My husband lifted his glass in toast to her.   He said, with tears in his eyes, (as best I can recall) “You two have everything you need to make a marriage work.  Because I know that you (my daughter) have realized that you can’t forget who your husband is when you are in conflict.  No matter how angry he is, or you are, you don’t forget who he is in spite of whatever might be happening. This is how I know you have what it takes.”  She burst into tears because she knew what he said is true, and that she had won an incredible prize by having this gift.

This wisdom doesn’t come easily or naturally. It’s something we have to learn, and continue to practice.  But it makes all the difference in the world in our relationships, whether with our spouse, our children, our parents, our friends or our neighbors.

Is It EVIL to Say I Love You with No Intention of Getting Married?

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I love you! Love you too! I love you more! No, I love you more!

AAAAAhhhh! Stop it! You hear it every day… people casually throw these magical words around like there was no tomorrow. Sometimes it’s a replacement for “talk to you later” when you’re going to hang up… “Luv you. Love you too.”

Sure, it’s very important to express your feelings to those close to you, to let them know you love them, cherish them, enjoy their company. But what does all this constant “I love you” REALLY mean? What ARE YOU getting yourself into?

Here’s a question from Lee in Ontario. She’s found herself saying “I love you” to her boyfriend more and more lately, and suddenly she’s feeling unsure and uneasy about it. Is she actually misleading him?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am in a 6 month relationship. He says I love you I say I love you back. He says it more I say it more. Yes we are both in love with each other.

If you tell someone you love them a lot, are they going to expect you to marry them? Am I leading him on by telling him I love him – I do. But will I marry him I don’t know. Is it evil to tell someone you love them under these thoughts?

— Lee in Ontario

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh6WvCxWNa8[/youtube]

Does “I love you” mean “I want to marry you”?

NO!!! Love and marriage are two very, very different things. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting married, but there’s also no reason whatsoever to rush into it.

Our society is so hung up on getting married FAST that young girls grow up planning that fairy tale wedding since before they have any idea what love for a partner means. They’re enamored with the idea from their childhood days when they hear stories of the lovely princess that’s rescued by some dashing prince, and he sweeps her off her feet and they get married – and live happily ever after. Yep, it’s really that natural. You meet a guy, he’s not that bad, so you get married before he gets away. Done deal.

STOP IT! Drop that thought and back away slowly.

Marriage is a government sponsored religious construct and may be defined differently depending on your personal beliefs. Separation of church and state aside (just pretend it doesn’t really exist since often times it doesn’t), governments everywhere discriminate against people who choose to share their lives together but not get “married” – i.e. they don’t have a signed government contract together that is blessed by the church.

This is the whole reason why the topic of “gay marriage” is really an issue, and why it will disappear as an issue as we evolve as a society and as a species. The government has no business discriminating against people and telling them who they can and cannot marry. These restrictions originate from one faith or another that some people may subscribe to, but many others do not.

So before you sign that contract, take to time to actually think about what it really means to you on a personal level. Marriage is just the beginning, or the next step, of your life together – not the end goal…

FEAR – “You better marry that girl before you lose her”

One of the main reasons people get married WAY too early in their relationship is fear. Whether it’s pressure from friends and family, pressure from one partner or another, or just pressure to get married before you hit a certain age, it’s all based on fear. And decisions based on fear are almost always decisions you regret later on.

Want to marry the love of your life? Wonderful, do it. But don’t rush into it.

Getting “married” won’t change your relationship, it’ll only change the legal description of your relationship – and make your family and friends happy or sad, depending on whether they like your bride or groom to be.

Finding the person you want to spend your days, months, years with is a wonderful, beautiful thing that not nearly enough people experience. Be grateful for the experience and enjoy it to it’s fullest. But don’t treat it like a quote for a home loan and lock in your rate before your APR has a chance to go up!

You don’t have to get married to have a long and happy relationship

All this rampant fear around getting married too late or “losing that special someone because you didn’t marry them sooner” creates all kinds of silly complications. It’s gotten to where people feel awkward saying “I love you”, and almost feel they have to preface it with “but I’m not going to marry you just yet”.

Express your love freely, and understand that your expression of love and caring is JUST THAT, nothing more. No need to lock in that interest rate until you’re good and ready.

But what if you don’t get married and end up losing that person?

It’s important to remember that being a part of someone’s life is a wonderful privilege. Every day, that special person makes a conscious decision to be with you. That’s a beautiful thing. And you can be happy together for days, weeks, months, years, whether you’re married or not.

People are always changing and growing, some more than others. When you are together with someone, you are either growing together or you are growing in different directions (read: growing apart). If for some reason the time comes to part ways, then so it must be, and that’s OK.

It doesn’t make the time you spent together any less previous and blessed. Just think – if you had been married, then you’d be parting ways and calling it a “divorce” – often a very ugly business, since you have to cancel your government contract AND your religious bond at the same time. Wow, talk about a deterrent.

It’s all OK. Enjoy your time together every day, every moment. And if you feel the special desire to get married, then do it because you wish to further show each other your commitment, not out of fear that it’s too easy to let each other go without that paper. Do it out of love for one another.