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The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

By loveandsex

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Marianne Torrence.

Marianne is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

You’ll want to read “The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid” right now because it will help you avoid the single biggest mistake that you can ever make in any relationship.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

by Marianne Torrence

This mistake can destroy your relationships with children, friends, colleagues too.

One of the deadliest habits one can have is putting people down, devaluing them, making them wrong and all flavors of that activity. Everyone at one time or another has had experiences of feeling lessened or degraded by the attitude or comments of someone who was making them feel wrong or their communications of little value.

In a relationship or marriage, making your partner feel less, or creating an environment where people are afraid to speak because their communications are likely to be met by a putdown, is a sure recipe for disaster unless your partner is already disempowered or already accepting of the role of victim. Which hopefully isn’t the kind of partner you want or have got! But even if they are apparently accepting of this role, adding to it with putdowns will still backfire on the perpetrator.

In my many years of listening to people’s innermost thoughts and deepest hurts, I have observed that some of the deepest unhappiness and damage can be caused by people who continually emanate negative devaluing statements, creating an unsafe environment that kills the spirit along with any chance of a deepening and long-lasting closeness. And it is damaging to the person who does it too. Those around them may not express it, but the repressed hurt and resentment that accumulates will eventually rebound on the perpetrator.

The trouble is, a lot of the people who do this to others have no idea of the far-reaching effects it can have on the recipient. In my experience most aren’t confident enough or willing to ignore social niceties enough to just front up to the person doing it and just say “Knock it off – your put-down and make wrong communications are destructive and aren’t adding any value to the people you are delivering them to.”

The bottom line is… If a person has a tendency to put down their partner’s ideas, devalue their input, or have an attitude towards others that is derogatory, it is not likely that their relationships are going to develop and deepen. Nothing causes a person to build barriers around themselves faster than feeling put down and made wrong by the person they should feel closest to. And if they hold back their feelings about it instead of standing up to the person doing the make wrong, they will speed up the estrangement even more.

Well, so far all this probably sounds pretty negative, and you might be wondering if you can do anything about it anyway if you find yourself either doing this or experiencing it.

So what are some ways to prevent this habit from sabotaging relationships? Well, it’s simple, but not necessarily easy, and it does take practice.

One of the most effective things you can do is to focus on indicating that you have heard what someone said by acknowledging their communications. “I hear you”. “I understand that”, “OK”, “I got it”, “Good”, are all ways to show someone you understood what they said, without adding any judgment or negative attitude to it.

And when answering somebody’s communication focus on the positive, on appreciating other people’s points of view, and encouraging interchange rather than negating what has been communicated to you. “ I see your point of view”, “ I can understand how you feel that way”, “I appreciate your way of looking at that”, work much better to foster good relationships than “That’s silly”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re wrong”, “Shut up”, and various other negative replies.

A thing to remember about people who communicate this way is that it generally is a sign their own self-esteem and sense of self-worth is poor in that they feel they need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. And additionally it means they don’t want anyone to be aware they feel this way.

So if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has this making wrong habit and you aren’t having any success in getting them to quit the habit, you might try commenting on it in these terms.

“You know, Joe, it’s been my experience that when people feel insecure and unsure of themselves one of the ways they try to make up for their feelings of inadequacy is to try to make others feel lessened by putting them down or devaluing them. Of course people who do this don’t realize if they keep doing it they’re pretty much sending out a signal that says ‘I feel worthless or not as good as everyone else so I am trying to lessen their sense of self-worth so they don’t show up my own inadequacy’. But I don’t suppose that’s why you keep doing it, is it? But I thought I’d better ask, because it worries me – Joe, do YOU actually feel inadequate – I wouldn’t have thought so, but tell me if that’s why you keep making less of other people?”

Some version of the above communication should work to make a person with a make wrong habit think twice every time they go to reply to someone with a putdown.

Knowing this information, you can also choose to simply not hook up in a relationship with someone who does this, can’t be brought to see that there’s anything destructive or damaging to relationships in doing it, and can’t easily change it or just plain won’t.

Realize that it’s not necessarily deliberate, that a lot of time the person IS unconscious of the effects, and may just be communicating in a way they learned from parents, school, work or any environment where people simply don’t know any better way.

There are other mistakes one can make in relationships, but this is one of the worst. No one wants to be around someone whose communication is killing their fun, their joy in life and indeed the very essence of their being.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: dating advice, long distance relationships, love, marriage counseling, premarital sex, Relationship Advice

Seven Easy Ways to Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship!

By loveandsex

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Melody Brooke. Melody is a Professional, Marriage and Family Counselor and InterPlay leader. Her approach uses body, mind, and spirit to help her clients heal themselves with her gentle and compassionate guidance.

“Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection” provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action :-)).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time.  Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone.  In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection.  And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries.  Show your care don’t just speak it.  Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town.  Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside.  (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged.  Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were.  Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night.  This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone.  This is your time together.  Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them.  Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter.  You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance.  You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy.  In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim.  Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, tough often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible.  Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal.  Most men and many women are touch deprived.  In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them.  Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule.  Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life.  In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning.  Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: long distance relationships, love, marriage, marriage counseling, premarital sex, Relationship Advice, romance

How To Survive Being Single This Valentine’s Day

By loveandsex

Single this Valentine’s Day? So what!

Ladies, we say just ignore all of the flower and jewelry commercials – or better yet – send yourself some flowers or go buy that really cool necklace that you’ve had your eye on.

Guys, take a deep breath because you’re off the hook this year!

If you’re not excited about flying solo or if you’re wondering what on earth to do with yourself this Valentine’s Day while all of your couple friends are out on romantic dates… We’ve found just the solution you’re looking for.

Here’s a great article from Deanna Frazier, the “Dating Diva”, with terrific ways that you can survive being single this Valentine’s Day.

“Going Solo on Valentine’s Day – Advice for Singles”

The stores are decorated in candy hearts, flowers and bears. Every TV or radio commercial reminds you that it’s time to remember your sweetheart on this special day for lovers.

Your feelings range from sadness to anger. What’s a single person to do?

The following suggestions are designed to both answer that question and to help you have a good day after all, while working to make this your last solo Valentine’s Day!

Celebrate the day by planning an activity that is enjoyable to you and provides you with a special treat.

  • Go to a day spa for “the works”
  • Plan an intimate dinner for 3 or 4
  • Go ice-skating or to the movies with a fun friend
  • Go out to dinner and a movie with a group of other singles
  • Focus on what you enjoy and make a conscious decision about how to mark the day
  • Un-Valentine’s Day parties are very popular

Design a relationship-building plan. Let the holiday provide you with the motivation to take risks, try new ideas and gain the knowledge that will enable you to find and create a lasting, intimate relationship.

  • Sit down at the computer or with pen and paper in hand and get your plan written down.
  • Begin by making a list of resources that can be used to help you meet available singles.
  • These can include: on-line dating sites, singles groups, volunteer activities, or participation in sports or
  • Other activities that you enjoy. Decide when and how often you will participate in any activity you choose.
  • Make a budget for both time and available funds for this purpose.
  • Do your homework and research each resource so the information will be available when you need it.

Review those intentions and resolutions you made, or make some if you haven’t yet, and be sure you are implementing and sticking to those that will ensure that you are really ready for that special relationship. Being the kind of person you want to be with is the first step. “Become the Date or the Mate You Want to Have.” Taking care of yourself and living well will optimize your chances for relationship success.

Start today. Work to eliminate negative thinking. Think of all the possibilities that could open up for you. Hopefully these tips will assist you in having a better “solo” Valentine’s Day than you might have been headed for. Enjoy the day by doing something fun. Then focus on your relationship plan and empower yourself to build the healthy, lasting relationship of your dreams.

Filed Under: Valentine's Day Tagged With: Valentines Day, Valentines Day Ideas

Is He Really Over His Ex-Girlfriend? How Do I Know for Sure?

By loveandsex

The Question:

I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years, and just found out from his ex-girlfriend that in the first year of us dating he was still sending her flowers, and making CDs of songs that made him think of her. She broke it off for good, and the last 2 years he has been with only me, but he has never gotten me flowers, or even made me a CD, and I don’t think I’d even want it. After finding out what he did the first year of our relationship, I feel like if she would have came running back into his arms he would have left me for her.

Now he tells me he only loves me and wants to be with only me, but as far has being romantic to me, that will never happen, for he did it in the past and it didn’t work, so I just have to love him for him, and not for what he did for her. But I’m like we have been together for 3 years now and you have never gotten me flowers or anything, and he told me it was something between them, and it would only bring up old memories. What do I do????? I love him so much, but all this really hurts bad… I need some good advice… please help me.

The Answer

This question leaves me with a few questions of my own – Is this really about the romance or the fact that you’re not sure if he’s truly over her? Maybe you feel that he doesn’t love you as much as her and that the ‘romance’ would prove his love to you? – Just a few questions to ponder…

It sounds like your boyfriend was not over his previous girlfriend when the two of you decided to get serious, but claims that he is now. This can be a tough one because he never really gave himself time to heal and let go of the previous break up which could result in him carrying around this baggage for a very long time.

Dealing with broken trust

Open communication and honesty are the two most important components of a successful relationship. You have to honestly know in your heart – If his ex-girlfriend called him up tomorrow, would he leave you for her.

He broke this trust at the beginning of your relationship. If he went around your back for a full year, then I’d be concerned about his commitment now. But only you can really gauge if he’s truly moved on.

However, let’s remember that 2 years have passed. People change, feelings, and emotions change. And they tend to change all of a sudden, when the time is right for each person. So while he may have been dishonest with you for a very long time, he may be perfectly committed to you now.

Open and honest communication from this point forward will be critical to the relationship – especially since the trust has already been broken once. Ask him how he honestly feels – you’ll have to be very careful to do this in a trusting, open, and non-threatening way. Otherwise, he’ll just shut down and not talk to you. You also have to be prepared for what you are going to hear – it may not be what you want or expect.

Listen to your heart

Down deep, you know if he’s really and truly devoted to you and shares your love fully. But the trick here is to listen to what’s really there in your heart, not what you want to hear.

Are you jealous of his ex girlfriend?

An important question here… Was romance important to you even before you found out about his affections toward his ex girlfriend?

It’s definitely OK to always grow and change (your mind, your thoughts, your beliefs), but be sure your desire for romantic gestures isn’t just out of jealousy over the ex girlfriend.

You know… “He did it for her, why not me?” That’s a very destructive path.

Identify your needs in the relationship

I don’t think it’s the flowers or CD’s you’re looking for. It’s the way these romantic gestures make you feel – special and desired; to know that he truly loves and desires you.

Understand that romance is a way of life. Not all men feel comfortable with romantic gestures because it really puts their heart on the line. Since he has been rejected before, it may even be more difficult for him.

One idea is to take the time to figure out the exact things that make you feel special and wanted. Sit together and make a list of the top 5 or 10 things that make you feel desired. Make the commitment to do these things for each other on a regular basis, no matter how big or small. Because you’re both a bit jaded in this area, be patient and non-judgmental with one another.

Another thing you can do is help him feel very secure in the relationship so that he will feel safe in making romantic gestures. Compliment him on the little things that he does do and let him know every day how important he is to you and how much you appreciate your relationship. The fastest way to change him is to change your perception of him. Every night before you go to bed write down everything that you like and appreciate about him and your relationship – before you know it, he’ll start giving you even more reasons to appreciate him. It may sound a little backwards, but this is a very powerful exercise.

Stay together or break up?

Different people come into our lives for one purpose or another. Our instinct is to stay with the same person forever because we’re afraid to move on, but sometimes that’s not truly the best answer for us.

Many times people grow apart in a relationship, and are no longer happy together. This is primarily because we’re always growing and changing. When a couple is not completely open and honest in their communication, they often grow in different directions emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When this happens, it may be necessary to move on. I’m not a believer in settling for second best or holding on to a failing relationship.

Spend some time in quiet contemplation or meditation. Ask God, the Universe, or whomever your higher power is, to help you make the right decision for you. If you listen – the answer will come to you. It’s up to you to act on the answer that you receive.

In Summary

The past is only a memory, the future is a dream. Only now is real. Live in the now!

  • As hard as it may be, you should let go of the past and forgive him for the broken trust in the beginning of the relationship whether you choose to continue the relationship or not. “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven”.
  • Decide what’s truly important for you in a relationship and go after it, whether it’s with your current boyfriend or not. Don’t settle or hang on to your relationship for the wrong reasons.
  • Once your feelings and desires are clear to you, sit down and seriously discuss your wants and needs with your boyfriend.
  • If you desire a life of romance and your boyfriend isn’t able to provide it, then it may be time to move on.
  • In this case, I would seriously consider some couples counseling because there are so many issues that you are each dealing with, that you may not be able to get through them alone. An objective 3rd party can really help in a situation where you have so many delicate issues to talk about.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: dating, dating advice, intimacy, love, marriage counseling, Relationship Advice, romance, romantic ideas

14 Creative Valentine’s Day Ideas

By loveandsex

Are you ready for Valentine’s Day?

While we feel that you should treat every day in your relationship like Valentine’s Day, we do want to help you make this special day incredibly romantic and memorable for both you and your sweetheart.

As we get closer to Valentine’s Day, we’ll continue to update our blog with any cool resources or ideas that we find.

Here’s a great article from Michael Webb at TheRomantic.com with some really creative ways to say “I Love You” this year.

“14 Creative Valentine’s Ideas”

By Michael Webb, Founder www.TheRomantic.com

Here are 14 Creative (yet inexpensive) ways to say “I Love You” this February. Do your friends a favor and forward this message to them.

  1. Sleep under the stars
    Buy some glow in the dark stars from the toy department and arrange a special message above your bed.
  2. Their very own coloring book
    Draw a dozen or so silly pictures of memorable experiences. (browse through photo albums for ideas). Outline in black marker and then have the pages copied and bound on heavy paper at a copy shop. Give with a pack of crayons.
  3. Computer romance
    Change the screen saver on the computer to a scrolling message. For added effect, use a wingding or character font that can’t be read without decoding.
  4. Got milk?
    Hide a bunch of silly prizes and a card in your love’s favorite cereal.
  5. Jump start the romance
    Tie your card or gift on a three foot string and tie it to the bottom of an automatic garage door. When your honey comes home, the gift will magically arise to greet them.
  6. Rubber ducky races
    Go to a nearby river or stream and race rubber ducks. The loser takes the winner out for dessert.
  7. Warm the heart
    While your love is in the shower put their towel in the dryer for a few minutes so it will be toasty warm when he or she steps out.
  8. Music to their ears
    In your own voice, record a book, fairy tale or poetry on tape for your dearest to listen to on the way to work or while he or she is out of town.
  9. A winter picnic
    Move the living room furniture and have a picnic in the middle of the floor complete with blanket, picnic basket, and all the fixings (in front of a roaring fireplace would add to the effect).
  10. Send a mail bomb
    Sending a card can be exploding romantic just by adding something unexpected: a feather, leaf, matches, lock of your hair, pressed flower or your handkerchief scented with perfume/cologne.
  11. The personal touch
    Gently scratch his back for ten minutes while he falls asleep or brush her hair for the same amount of time.
  12. Mirror, mirror on the wall
    Use Rain-X Anti Fog (used to keep car windows from fogging up) and a cotton swab to write a message that will mysteriously appear on the bathroom mirror while your sweetheart is showering. Or put that old tube of lipstick to good use with a good morning greeting on the mirror.
  13. The Jelly Belly game
    Blindfold him and feed him Jelly Bellies. If he guesses the flavor correctly, he gets a prize. If he guesses wrong, you get a prize. To make it more interesting, combine flavors (root beer + ice cream = root beer float, coconut + pineapple = pina colada, chocolate + cherry = chocolate covered cherries, etc.).
  14. Welcome home!
    Use chalk to write a welcome home greeting on the sidewalk.

Make sure to check out Michael’s other terrific Valentine’s Day resources below:

  • Draw closer together with 1000 Questions for Couples
  • Spice up your love life with 500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets
  • Discover 300 Creative Dates
  • Don’t miss 100 Bedroom Games for Couples
  • Learn the 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships
  • There is A Better Way To Date
  • Read about The Romantic’s Guide to Popping the Question

Filed Under: Valentine's Day Tagged With: Valentines Day, Valentines Day Ideas

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