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My Friends Want Me To Break Up With Him!

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My friends are pressuring me to break up with my boyfriend, even though we have a good relationship. What’s going on with them? I feel offended by their unwarranted opinions.

What She Said

True friends support you and have your best interests at heart. And it sounds like these ‘friends’ are doing exactly the opposite. I sense a possible break up on the horizon – and not from your boyfriend.

Are Your Friends Really Your Friends?

It sounds like your friends are afraid to lose you versus actually being concerned about your happiness. You say you have a good relationship, which is great! The real question you should be asking yourself is, “Why aren’t they happy for me?”

Sometimes people want to hold other people back – it’s an unfortunate part of human nature. Your friends might not want the dynamic between you all to change. Perhaps you’ve been the life of the party – and they don’t want the party to end. Perhaps you’ve been the scapegoat. Whatever role you’ve subconsciously played, you’ve clearly done a good job because your friends want you to keep doing it!

Let Your Friends Know They’re Hurting You

Give your friends a chance. Speak honestly with them. Let them know you care about them and would still like to keep the friendship going (assuming that you honestly want to). However, be firm in letting them know that things are changing and they need to respect your choices. If they don’t respect you, especially if they continue to pressure you into ending something that’s making you happy, cut the cord. Life is way too short to be bullied by people who are supposed to care about you.

What He Said

It’s funny. I once had the opposite happen. I was dating a girl who I thought was “the one” (or at least in the running for that title), and when we had a break up, all my friends said “Oh, thank God. She was terrible for you.”

Getting To The Bottom Of It

I don’t know which is better. Your friends telling you how they feel or having your friends not tell you how they feel. I do know that it’s none of their damn business either way. I think the first thing to ask yourself is “Why are they saying this?” Is there a reason? Is he abusive, rude, cheap, etc? Do they say this about all your boyfriends? Are they in a relationship or in love? Are they happy people?

It sounds like you feel that your relationship is in fact solid, so if that’s true, the only question you should be asking yourself, in my opinion is “Why am I hanging around these people?” Mark Twain said “Have no friends not equal to your own.” These people aren’t up to your level, so it would seem.

Maybe they were never on your level. Maybe, they were at one point. Maybe you made some sort of radical life change (lost weight, got sober, broke some cycle of behavior, etc) and now you’re simply not that person any more. Often times, when two people are in a relationship and one has a drug addiction that couple breaks up when the addict gets clean. Why? Because the dynamics have changed. They aren’t who they used to be and that can cause a shift in the relationship.

There are a lot of potential things going on here, and only you can really figure out what the deal is and then how to proceed. Take a step back; really examine who you are and who your “friends” are. Take your time. Do not rush into anything. There’s no need to anyway. This is something that’s probably been building. Do whatever you feel is right.

Keeping Your Relationship Intact

But whatever you do, do not allow this to affect your relationship with your boyfriend. You see this destroy a lot of celebrity relationships. Two famous people are in a relationship and then they let outside factors (agents, managers, gossip columnists) creep their way into the relationship and then those outside factors act like a crowbar and pull the two apart and once it’s broken, there’s no fixing it.

I’m not saying your relationship will last forever or that it won’t. I’m just saying make sure that if it ends, the two of you are the ones to pull the plug.

4 Ways To Have A Romantic Anniversary

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Romance is an important factor in your wedding anniversary. It is a celebration not only of your many years as a couple but it is also a celebration of your future years ahead. Each anniversary should be filled with love, sentimentality and excitement. After all, you want your next year together to be as successful as the last.

Plan A Trip Together

Going on a trip together is one of the best ways to act like a couple in an unfamiliar setting. Imagine visiting places together and finding more things to talk about. Some couples have the best sex in a long time in a hotel suite somewhere far from their home. The environment is new, and so is the ambiance for your love making.

Do something romantic in every city you visit, such as riding a traditional carriage, a boat or a jet ski. If the place you are visiting specializes in an extreme sport (rappelling and bungee), go for it. The exertion and the novelty of the activity will boost your excitement. Anything that is new to you is special, especially if you are sharing it with the one you love.

Naughty Coupons

Print out five naughty coupons that are good only for your anniversary weekend. You can print anything there, including ‘one-hour backrub’, ‘your favorite sex positions for 30 minutes’ and ‘full monty striptease.’ Ask your girl to choose three of the five romance coupons that she will use during that time.

That you’re just letting her use three of the coupons is no accident. There’s a reason for this. You want her to weigh the pros and cons of the activities on those coupons. You want her to imagine which activities would excite her most. Chances are, she will end up fantasizing about all those activities and feeling more excited about your weekend together than you.

Honeymoon Night Revisited

Think you’d only use your wedding finery once? Think again! Make it a habit to re-live your wedding night every year. Wearing your wedding lingerie in your bedroom during your anniversary can be your little secret. No one needs to know why you need to have your wedding stuff dry-cleaned every year.

This would help you remember the silly and romantic moments of your wedding day, and all the bloopers that happened during the wedding night. If you can remember the way you made love that night, great! You can do it that way all over again.

Prepare Midnight Snack In Bed

Instead of preparing dinner, dine out. On your way home, you should stop by a diner and get something you can eat in bed together. Better yet, prepare a ‘sex salad’ that you can use to sustain you if you plan to make love all night long. This is full of romance and incredibly sexy, especially if you both watched Halle Berry’s scene in that James Bond movie (she fed the playboy secret agent fruit after sex).

The Art Of Compromise In A Relationship

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In a relationship, learning how to compromise is one of the most important things you can do.. Though humans are meant to be in the company of other humans, we’re all individuals with our own specific needs and desires. That means we’re not always on the same page as our significant other, no matter how much we love them. If you and your partner can find ways to compromise on issues large and small, your relationship will be able to go the distance.

Communication – The 1st Step

The best way to reach successful agreements is to discuss open issues during calm moments. In the heat of an argument, you and your partner are likely more focused on your anger than reaching a solution with love. That means you should try to talk about your shared conundrums during happier times, like over a nice dinner or on a relaxed Saturday afternoon. Once you’ve established exactly what your issue is, try for a collective brainstorm.

For example, let’s say your mate was offered a job in another city which would force you to move and give up your job. Sit down together with the following ground rules in mind: you will each state your case, without interruption from the other party, and then you’ll both suggest possible solutions. Thus, your S.O. will explain why he/she thinks the move is a good idea, and then you will explain why you’d like to stay. This isn’t a situation where both of you will be able to get what you want, so you have to weigh all of the evidence at hand as you work to come up with partial solutions.

Perhaps you’ve been at your company long enough to request that they let you work from home if you have to move away. Maybe you make more money, so it makes financial sense to stay for your job, but you’ll help your partner keep hunting for something nearby. You may even have to decide that your S.O. can have their way, but you’ll get to have your way on the next big decision. As long as you both make an effort to meet each other part way, less relationship problems will come of it.

Learning To Make Tradeoffs

For smaller issues there are often tradeoffs to be made. You’ll clean the bathroom every week if your boyfriend or girlfriend will regularly vacuum the apartment. If he or she does the grocery shopping, you will do the cooking. Small, everyday compromises like these make both you and your partner feel equally important. It may seem silly, but splitting the chores or trading off which person’s friends you hang out with can make your relationship much healthier than most. Knowing that both of your opinions are heard makes each of you feel more valued and loved.

Avoiding the one-sidedness that preys on many relationships can go a long way toward the prevention of arguments and unhappiness. The best thing about a compromise is that everyone feels better in the end, even if they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. When there are clear winners and losers, relationships can suffer. That’s especially true if the same person regularly ends up on the losing end of the equation.

You have to make sure that you’re taking turns coming out ahead, or resentment starts to boil. Romantic relationships are ultimately partnerships, and that means you need to work together to seek the best possible outcomes. Things won’t work out perfectly every time, but making that effort together strengthens your bond. Ask any married couple out there, and you’ll find that compromises played a huge part in their romance success.

3 Romantic Gestures That Will Earn You Big Points

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In the dating world, women are more often the ones who are showered with compliments, but the thing is, men need the same level of TLC from women. Here’s a secret all women should know: a man can keep up the one-sided wooing up to a certain point, then the woman would have to pull her own weight in the romance department. If not, well, let’s just say that’s when you start complaining that the man is not paying attention to you.

Here are three of the best ways to bring the oomph back in your relationship and your sex life.

Ask About His Day

Even if you know his routine by heart, you should ask the man you’re dating how his day went. The reason for this is simple but significant: asking means you care. If you just assume that everything went well and that you have a lot more to worry about than his needs or the way he spent his day, that’s when he starts feeling like he’s a fixture.

Comments or questions that encourage him to talk about his activities that day can spark conversation. After you’ve done this a few times, he will go through the day collecting small tidbits of stories he can tell you when he comes home and you ask him how his day went.

Open The Topic On Sex

Innuendo doesn’t have to always come from him. When you casually drop hints that you miss doing it with him, he will assume that you’re in the mood. Doing this will also plant the idea of sex, so that he will think about it even when he wasn’t expecting to have sex with you that night.

Just the thought of sex gets men in the mood, especially if you haven’t been doing it lately. Being playful starts with sexual innuendos, followed by subtle touching and stares that tell him you want him.

Be Touchy-Feely On A Date

A man does not have to be the one doing the asking. Being passive about your dating life will get you nowhere, especially if you’ve been living with the same guy for a long time. Ask him to go with you to the movies, or to a concert, and be touchy-feely when you’re out together.

Public display of affection is a way to increase sexual tension. Men tend to forget to hit on you when you live together. When you’re out on a date, being touchy-feely can make him want to go home as soon as possible. If it’s not possible to go home at once, expect him to reciprocate with his own brand of affection as the sexual tension rises.

If you’re not keen on facing the prospect of a break up, small gestures like these are necessary. Pulling away is the result of not focusing on small things that matter a lot when dating. If your man is not the type to respond well to your gestures, don’t be disillusioned. As long as he feels your sincerity, he will find a way to reciprocate.

My Friend Is Married To A Drunk!

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My friend is in a marriage with an alcoholic. I see a pretty bad dynamic developing between them, as I watch her enable his drinking. What should I do?

What She Said

Butt out. I know it’s hard to watch your friend’s marriage go down a challenging path, but this one is not your fight. If you start to offer your opinion, or interfere in their dynamic, you’ll most likely lose the friendship all together – not to mention the peace of mind that comes along with taking care of your own business.

Focus On Yourself

Your best course of action is to stay strong and healthy in your own life. Joining them in their enabling is a crash-course in bad boundaries and codependence. This is something that may play out for years in their lives. People cannot accept help unless they truly want the help themselves. You can’t force either one to get help before their time.

Be there for your friend and support her marriage when asked and focus on your own fabulous self. If this situation turns around, you’ll be there to catch your friend. Often, as we form healthier relationships, some people naturally find their place in our lives – and other people weed themselves out. Time will tell if these two will be able to help themselves – or if you’ll ultimately find it more satisfying to explore other friendships.

What He Said

Watching your friend’s marriage fall apart is like driving on the freeway and seeing two cars driving dangerously up ahead. An accident is coming. You know it. You feel it. You can see it happening before it actually does. What can you do to prevent it? Nothing. You are driving your car. Not theirs. All you can do is get off the freeway and let the inevitable unfold.

Does that make you feel better? Is that a “feel good” answer? No. But that doesn’t make it any less true or valid. The fact is, if you go in and tell your friend what to do about their marriage, without them asking, you’re a jerk. Worse you’re a know it all jerk. A real “butt in-ski.” There is nothing you can do.

Do You Want To Continue The Friendship?

If it’s too much for you, well, I can’t say that I blame you. This is a very simple situation, but it’s not an easy one. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Yes, it is a bit harsh to say that cutting your friend out of your life is the way to go, but if you can find another option, go for it. But your friend is in a negative marriage that can only spiral out of control. You’ll never hear anyone say “you know, I was in an abusive relationship with a raging alcoholic and it was the best thing that’s ever happened to me! God, I hope I find another one just like him.” That’s not a conversation you’re ever going to have. Ever.

You will, however, hear quite a few people say things like “what the hell was I thinking” or “God, I wish I’d gotten out of that sooner.” This marriage isn’t going to end well. It’s only a question of when and how badly. Your friend doesn’t know this, of course, or they probably won’t be in this situation, but they damn sure don’t want your marriage advice, or at the very least they aren’t ready for it. You can’t force anything to happen. This is no exception. You can, in some cases, create scenarios to invite or facilitate or accelerate the change, but you can’t force it.

My good friend, Johnny has a saying “How many psychotherapists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. But the light bulb has to really, really want to change.”

Is your friend that light bulb? If not, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Except to get out of the way and be there for her when she comes to her senses. If she ever does.