Love & Relationships

Married Life: Dreaming About Cheating Vs. Actually Cheating

Our dreams don’t always make sense, but if you’re dreaming about cheating on your current partner, it can be downright scary. It can be even more frightening if you’ve never thought about cheating on them during your waking hours and would never betray your partner like that. So what exactly do cheating dreams mean and should you tell your partner about them?

I have been dating the most beautiful girl for the past 3 years and I love her with all my heart and would never even consider cheating on her. But lately I have been having a lot of dreams of me having an affair on her with other girls I use to know. I wake up and I feel ashamed that I’m having dreams of hurting her and being with another woman. Any reasons why this might be happening?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbf3QjeUzHY[/youtube]

When Your Brain Brings Up Old Memories

If you’re dreaming about cheating on your current partner but in real life would never, ever do something like that, you may feel like your sleeping brain is betraying you. Or you may feel like you secretly or subconsciously want to be with women other than your current partner, or else why would you be dreaming about them? The truth is, our bodies and our brains tend to bring up old memories when we are in similar situations and are experiencing similar emotions. What that means is that those loving relationship feelings you’re experiencing with your current partner were very similar to the emotions you experienced with your previous partners, so your sleeping brain is remembering those emotions in all the different manifestations that you experienced the emotions in. Dreams of cheating on your partner doesn’t mean you subconciously want to be with other people, nor does it mean that you will cheat on them sometime in the future with an old girlfriend, so relax a little!

Letting Your Partner Know About Your Dreams

Although your dreams of cheating on your girlfriend are harmless, the idea of telling her about your dreams can be downright terrifying. Does hiding your dreams make you a bad person? Not really, because you don’t always share all of your dreams with her. But telling her about your dreams – and why they are freaking you out – can help you and your partner better understand each other and recognize the love you have for each other. Let your partner know that you’re having dreams about cheating on her, but that you are also waking up frightened and ashamed. Let her know that you’re not exactly sure why you’re having these dreams of infidelity, but in your heart you deeply and truly love her and that you’ve never thought of cheating on her or being with someone else while you’ve been with her. Laying your feelings out on the line like that is definitely nerve wracking, but if you are completely honest with your partner, you have nothing to worry about. Your girlfriend will understand that you have no control over your dreams and that you do love her and want to be with her.

The Dreams Will Go Away Eventually

Even if you’re dreaming about cheating on your partner every night, take a deep breath and relax. You won’t dream about cheating on your partner every night for the rest of your life, so you can rest assured that the dreams will eventually go away. Talking to your partner about your dreams and realizing that the dreams don’t mean anything serious will do wonders getting your brain to relax and start focusing on something else at night. Even though you can’t help what you dream at night, laying down while worrying about whether you’re going to dream of cheating or not will definitely make it worse. Read a good book or watch your favorite televsion show or movie (that doesn’t have an affair in the plot) before going to bed to try to get your mind off of worrying about what your next dream will be. It may take a little while, but you and your partner will move through this trying time and come out on the other end with a much stronger relationship for it. Eventually, you may end up thanking your crazy cheating dreams if you are presented with the temptation to cheat in the future. You’ll remember how horrible it felt to wake up and felt like you cheated on your partner and you definitely won’t want to go through it for real!

Fighting Fair Could Save Your Marriage

By drbonnieeakerweil

Fighting in a relationship doesn’t have to signal the end – but rather, it’s HOW we fight that makes all the difference. I’ve long been teaching couples how to fight fair and now new research shows that it’s things like our tone of voice, words we use, whether or not we hear each other out that contributes to how effective and productive fighting can be, according to the Wall Street Journal.

“All couples disagree—it’s how they disagree that makes the difference,” explains Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. Dr. Markman has conducted research that looks at how couples deal with conflict for the last 30 years. He found that, perhaps surprisingly, fighting doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship is on the rocks, in fact, couples who argue well are happier. Or, as Dr. Markman says, “You can get angry, but it’s important to talk without fighting.”

The latest statistics from his research published in the Journal of Family Psychology also show that couples who had trouble with communication and used it in a negative way before marriage – ie, to criticize, belittle, leave the room during an argument or disagreement – were more likely to end up divorcing.

Learn How to Fight Fair

Perhaps surprisingly, there’s also little distinction made about the so-called differences between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging – they’re all forms of expressing dissatisfaction with a situation or a person and learning how to convey these feelings, and how to respond to them, can make all the difference. Here are some things I’ve been telling my patients about how to fight fair:

You can start out by using what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” which I talk about in my book, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict.

Just as learning to fight fair can be imperative to a successful relationship, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute heart-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard. In this scenario, each partner agrees to be sensitive but frank and to not take things personally. But the bottom line is, don’t push things under the rug and believe the lie that people in good marriages don’t fight. It’s HOW you fight that’s important.

Q&A: What Is A Soulmate?

By loveandsex

Couples in love may wonder if they’ve met their soul mate. Everything is perfect and it even seems like this person finishes your sentences for you. But how do you really know if you’re with your soul mate and what happens when the initial “love at first sight” feeling wears off and you’re experiencing day to day life with someone you have a soul level connection with?

Question: Hey Dan and Jennifer, my question for you what are both of your opinions on the concept on “soul mates,” and can you put that concept into what it’s like on a daily basis?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRACNkGP4bM&feature=channel[/youtube]

What Is A Soul Connection?

A soul connection is described differently by a lot of people. There are many different opinions on what a soul mate is and if soul mates even exist. Everyone has their own opinion on whether soul mates exist or don’t, as well as what a soul connection is like when you experience it. Some people who have never experienced a soul connection are very doubtful that soul mates are possible, while someone who has experienced that deep level of love and trust will never doubt its existence. The most common description of a soul connection between two people is when both people just “know” that they need to be in each other’s lives, be it at that moment, for that week or for life. Some people feel like it is “love at first sight,” but what each person seems to agree upon is that it is a feeling about someone that goes very deep, possibly deeper than you’ve ever felt before.

Who Can You Have A Soul Connection With?

People can have a soul connection with just about anyone. Gender, social status, money or life experiences have nothing to do with whom you have a soul connection with. You may have a soul connection with a friend or a lover, or more than one person. There isn’t just one “soul mate” for each person out there on the planet. A soul connection can be had with anyone, or more than one person at a time. One soul mate doesn’t trump another, although different types of soul connections can exist. You may have a deep connection with an old friend, but you may also have a very deep connection with your partner. Both are equally important to you and nurture your soul in different ways.

What Is Day To Day Life Like With A Soul Mate?

Even if you’re in a long term relationship with your soul mate, your relationship and day to day life may not always be smooth sailing. Day to day issues are going to get in the way, such as bills and kids, and you and your partner may not always be in agreement about everything. You and your partner may not see eye to eye on everything, but the important part about soul mates is that after the storms blow over at the end of the day, you and your partner still feel that deep love between each other and still feel like you’re playing on the same team.

Live Longer With Healthy Relationships

By drbonnieeakerweil

Low and unhealthy social interaction can produce the same amount of stress in our lives as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, or being an alcoholic, or not exercising. A new study from Brigham Young University reports that healthy relationships improve our odds of survival by 50 percent. “The idea that a lack of social relationships is a risk factor for death is still not widely recognized by health organizations and the public,” write the editors in a summary of the BYU study and why it was done.

The Benefits Of Healthy Relationships

The study was developed by analyzing data from nearly 150 previously published studies that measured things like frequency of human interaction and tracked the resulting health outcomes over a period of years. Because information on relationship quality was unavailable from these studies, the 50 percent increased odds of survival may actually be an UNDERestimate of the benefit of healthy relationships.

While the study isn’t just referencing relationships with significant others, but rather all our daily interactions – from husbands and wives to co-workers and friends – some of the same techniques I teach for healthy romantic relationships can be applied to the relationships we have with other people in our lives.

For example, having what I call in my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up, a “smart heart-to-heart” can be beneficial to a friendship or a co-worker relationship as well as a marriage. It teaches us to create an environment for honesty and conflict resolution. Being able to put heated emotions aside and let each person share their experiences and feelings is beneficial beyond a romantic relationship and can work for professional and personal relationships alike.

Separation Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Another technique I teach is break up to make up and this can be helpful for many types of relationships that have come to an impasse. Typically, I recommend it for those in committed relationships who are on the verge of break up or divorce as a way to separate from each other with the clear intention of getting back together. The separation ideally allows each person to determine or restructure their priorities and, yes, also ideally makes the heart grow fonder. But in any closer personal relationship – such as within a family or in a close friendship – there can come a time when it’s a wise decision to take some time apart.

After all – if you’re implementing some of these techniques to create happy relationships in your life, you may actually live longer! And according to one of the study authors: “When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves and taking fewer risks.”

Should You Two Just Live Together?

By dicksinthecity

More and more couples today are “cohabitating” meaning they live together without the intention of ever getting married. Once thought of as “shaking up” and frowned up on, the practice is gaining more and more acceptance. But is it really right for you? If you give us five minutes of your time we will give you all the answers you’ll ever need.

What She Said:

What are the benefits of marriage when you can get the same thing by shacking up? On the one hand, it’s nice not having to worry about legalities when you live together. On the other hand, when you get hitched you can throw a party and get a lot of cool gifts! Stepping beyond the material, there is something to be said for standing up together and turning from “boyfriend and girlfriend” to “husband and wife.” (Or whatever lovely combination of partnership you’re in. Everyone deserves to get married, if they so desire!) Taking that step of saying “I do” in front of friends and family can be an incredibly moving moment, as well as the beginning of something deeper.

But what if you don’t want that little piece of paper to “bind” you? Living together is a fulfilling option. It’s great to share a home and a life with someone you love. The experiences will be similar to your married pals – with the convenience of a little mental freedom. You can walk out the door anytime you want to – but you’re choosing to stay!

On the other hand, being married does come with legal backup that can make a lot of things easier – insurance, home ownership, in the event of a medical emergency – you get the drift. Sounds sexy!

Seriously though – there are a lot of things that go hand in hand with getting married. I still hope and believe that people are committing to each other for one big reason – love. Getting hitched isn’t a guarantee, especially considering today’s divorce rates; but it can provide a certain peace of mind in a working partnership.

It really comes down to this – what does your heart tell you? What’s best for you and your partner? A ceremony is one thing – it’s how you treat each other that will matter in the end. There are so many ways to have a happy home – getting hitched is only one of them.

What He Said:

I really wish more people would handle relationships like I do. You’d say: “That was great! Money’s on the dresser! See you next time.” Kidding.

Seriously though, what’s the point of just living together? I don’t know. I mean, yes, you don’t have the “piece of paper” but if you live together long term, over seven years, you’re basically common law anyway. There’s really too much pressure put on people to be married, to have “successful” marriages, to not get divorced and the like, and if you’re a child of divorce, you’re more than likely to be extra sensitive to those pressures. Divorce is painful and messy and that’s just stupid. It should be as easy to get divorced as it is to get married. But it’s not and that can make you gun shy too.

Basically, this is a personal decision and you should make it like you make any other: on your own terms. You shouldn’t get any pressure from your parents, your partner or anyone. And if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Good luck. You’ll need it!