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Heart Smart Decisions – The Inner View

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Here’s something I say quite often: you must learn to use your head before you give up your body, so that you don’t break your heart. While it sounds simple and straightforward in theory, most of us only learn this lesson after getting our hearts broken again and again. The problem is that when infatuation kicks in, it’s a pretty strong magnet, and often we interpret it as a sign that our Happily Ever After is on its way into our hearts again. So in many ways, it is not the other person who breaks your heart, but rather yourself. Love is something that happens internally, inside yourself. You share that energy with the person you love, and when the energy changes back from a two-person entity to a one-person entity, the change is painful. So how can you avoid that?

Learn What You Want And What You Don’t Want

Well, you can’t. Not the answer you were hoping for? Unfortunately, that’s just something we all have to deal with, just like the sun rising and setting everyday. No matter how much you want it to stop, it won’t, and unless you’re going to spend your life chasing down crazy ways to try to get the sun to do your bidding (like so many of us do with love), then you’ll just need to learn to accept that heartache is a part of the process of learning what you want and what you don’t want.

In my case, I had plenty of opportunities to learn these things, over and over again. I felt like my heart had been snapped in two hundreds of times by love, and by men. I felt like I had nothing else to dream about or to aim for, and that every time I took a chance on love again, it would just end up in sadness and abandonment. So after a lot of soul-searching, I decided to stop looking for the magic perfect relationship, and start looking for what I really wanted instead: someone who would be true to me, who would not ignore me, who would not dispose of me, and who would treat me with the love and respect I deserved.

You Deserve Love And Respect

And after many years and lots of looking, I did finally find that love and respect. What was both frustrating and enlightening, though, was that it was right here tho whole time – inside of myself, in my own heart. I was looking for that true love in the arms of another; I was looking for it in the beds of men I thought would complete me. The big moment was when I realized that I’m already complete – this is the biggest lesson on the road to becoming heart-smart.

So, with that in mind, we can now aim to share ourselves selectively with others who have similar values, people who know that a healthy relationship includes not just attraction, but real compatibility and respect. It’s time to give up chasing the sun and concentrate on getting heart-smart!

 Here are five tips to get you started:

 1. Seek the higher truth – you may feel that true love is something “out there,” but you need to learn and accept that it’s inside of you.

2. Given that sex automatically leads to feelings of expectation and bonding, you need to take a step back and think before taking that giant leap forward.

3. Treat the true love inside yourself accordingly – don’t compromise your integrity, your desires, and especially your safety.

4. Remember that FEELING love and being with the right person are not necessarily the same thing. That feeling can steer you wrong if you’re not smart about it.

5. Your mind is your servant; use it to develop a habit of self-inquiry so that you can best serve your soul.

Unexpected Relationship Milestones

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Meeting the parents. Engagement. Marriage. Home-buying. Having a baby. These are the turning points we think of when someone says, “relationship milestones.” However, there are other things that take place in the course of a relationship which can be considered smaller, but still important, milestones (or maybe just quarter-mile markers).

Combining Cell Phone Plans

Like it or not, most of us couldn’t live without our cell phones. It’s an important part of our day-to-day lives, something we won’t leave the house without. In a way, our phone number is an extension of our persona. When you combine cell phone plans with someone, you’re meshing your main mode of communication…and the service contract that goes with it. Once you agree to combine contracts, you are committing to stay with your partner for at least the next two years. Too early in a relationship and this can cause undue panic. It’s not buying a home or getting married, by any means. But it is a situation that makes you stop and take a moment to reflect on your relationship.

Borrowing Cars

Sure, married people do it all the time. They’re used to everything being “ours”—not “yours” or “mine”. Yet, the first time you use your partner’s car can be intimidating. Maybe your car is in the shop, or their car has 4-wheel drive and you are going to the mountains with friends. Simply asking someone to borrow his or her car can trigger anxiety. There is also your partner’s worry to consider: allowing someone to use your car sends a clear message, “I care about and trust you.” When your partner hands you the keys, they are putting an important part of their daily life in your hands. Just like with a cell phone, you’re stepping into your significant other’s zone. You’re going to change the mirrors, the seat, the steering wheel, and the radio station. Nothing says “ours” like changing someone’s radio presets.

Getting The Flu

The first time your partner hears you vomit is a special relationship moment. How will they react? How will you feel about it? When they get home from work, will they have the fortitude to help you get through the evening? You’ve been on the couch all day, only getting up to use the bathroom or take your medicine. Dirty and cranky—a good partner will overlook your condition and offer to make you some toast, while you muster up the energy to take a shower. Once you’ve made it through a virus with your significant other, you bond in a way that will prepare you for all kinds of future maladies.

Although these examples may not elicit the same responses from everyone, they are a small example of the kinds of things we all face when entering a serious relationship. While things like cell phone plans and apartment leases do speak to a certain level of commitment, they’re nothing to be panicked about. If you love someone enough to even be considering these steps, it’s probably a good sign that you’re headed in the right direction with the right person.

Falling In Love – How You Know She’s The One

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Falling in love is something that should come normally, but for some people it isn’t this simple. Loving someone requires a lot of perseverance and it’s not something you can do on a normal basis with just anyone. So how do you find the girl that’s best for you? First, you expose yourself to women by dating, attending parties and letting your friends introduce you to girls.

You don’t have to play the field, but you can be sociable enough so that you aren’t alone most of the time. Most guys buckle from pressure of being in a committed relationship, but only because they have not found the girl they will give up their independence for.

You Feel the Chemistry

Whether you’re just locking eyes or you’re exchanging a kiss, the atmosphere around you is explosive. Some men claim that they know they’ve found the woman they want to spend the rest of their life with after the first date, while some claim it took a while before they felt the magic. Regardless of how long you’ve known the girl, there will always be sparks when you exchange a kiss, a hug or you’re just talking on the phone. That’s called chemistry, or sexual tension, and that’s one indication that she’s the one.

She Likes The Whole Package

Have you ever felt the pressure to be someone you’re not when you’re out with a girl? Sometimes, it’s hardly your fault. You subconsciously know that the woman expects you to act like someone else, or her version of a Prince Charming. If this is the case with a girl, the relationship won’t progress. In fact, it might end abruptly when you can’t take the pressure anymore and act like your true self.

A girl who’s the right one for you can tolerate your brand of humor. She likes you even if you’re not trying your best to impress her.

She’s Looking At The Big Picture

One of the main indications that you’ve found a keeper is when she talks about the future with you comfortably and naturally. In the beginning of any relationship, it may seem like you mean the whole world to each other. You want so many things at once, that you feel like you’re rushing.

A girl who really loves you will look at the big picture and understand that you have your whole life together ahead of you. She won’t rush and push you into making haphazard decisions. She understands that you’re going through life at your own pace, and she’s ok with that.

It may seem difficult to find the “One” who can make you happy, but if you keep your hopes up and treat each date as special, you’re bound to find the girl of your dreams sooner than you think. Love is the sum total of different factors: her actions towards you and your reaction to her affection.

Should You Combine Finances?

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You and your honey have been seeing each other for a while now. Perhaps you’re already living together (in sin, high five!) Things are going great and you have every reason to expect that they will continue to do so for as long as you care to imagine. So let’s talk a little business. To what extent should you two lovebirds combine your finances?

Will Combining Finances Destroy Your Relationship?

If you haven’t thought about it before, maybe it’s time. Sharing expenses can save you some good money. Rent on one pad is cheaper than two. Family cell phone plans save money. Why keep two Netflix accounts? What could possibly go wrong? The view through your fancy, Elton John-style, rose colored glasses might make it seem like the only things you’ll need to make your relationship work are love and lots of vigorous sex. In the real world, however, not many things can match money trouble for sheer, teeth-gnashing, relationship-destroying power.

Some couples will prefer to keep things separate: half-and-half on the rent and utilities; separate groceries and phones; and Dutch on every bar tab. Other couples will be perfectly comfortable pouring all of their bread into a joint checking account and letting fate sort it out. No one way will be right for everyone. Here are several things to consider.

If yours and your honey’s paycheck match dollar-for-dollar, you may expect that each of you will pitch in an equal amount of dough to keep to homestead running. However, if you’re a musician or a public school teacher and your significant other is a biochemist or a crooked lobbyist, it’s likely that one of you is supporting the other in ways that don’t involve money. In that case, it might not make sense to split expenses down the middle. Think about the different ways that you contribute when you’re deciding how to figure this all out.

Who Will Manage The Finances?

Another difference between partners might be their level of financial prowess. If you have a credit score lower than the monthly payment on your 1993 Ford Escort, and your partner’s score is best expressed in scientific notation, proceed with caution. That stellar credit score came from years of diligent responsibility and you don’t want to screw it up. On the other hand, one of you is clearly better at the whole money and bills business. Maybe you should let Mr. or Ms. Responsible handle all of the money stuff.

Two more important things to consider are trust and privacy. If you’re a shopaholic with poor financial self-control, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not relationship material; we all have our little flaws. You just might want to make sure you’re playing Supermarket Sweep with your own money. Also, if you value your privacy when it comes to the purchases you make, you may want to make sure that you have at least a portion of the money you make kept separate from the joint account. After all, if you’re considering marrying your finances, marrying your selves might not be too far behind, and not many things can spoil a three-carat surprise like a joint checking account!

May-To-December Romances: Can They Last Over Time?

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Lolita. Harold and Maude. American Pie. Marked age differences in a romance are nothing new to the world of literature and film. However, are they really conducive to modern-day relationships? Can two people of differing generations find a connection that transcends the decades?

Younger Man + Older Woman Or Older Man + Younger Woman?

The first aspect to consider is the genders as they relate to the ages. Would an older man/younger woman combination be more likely to succeed than an older woman/younger man relationship? Not necessarily, but it is more acceptable by society’s standards. Nowadays, a young woman on the arm of her older partner would not cause one to even bat an eyelash. The stigma of an older woman courting a young man is slowly dissipating, but the situation is still likely to draw jokes about her being a “cougar.” Because of that stigma, it is often harder to be taken seriously as a legitimate couple.

Spring-Time Perks

One of the best ways to succeed in a May-to-December romance is to find a way of bridging the gap. For instance, if you are a young woman (or man) with no interest in the wild dating scene, you may be looking for someone to settle down with right away. Meanwhile, an older man (or woman) has focused on his/her career for most of their adult life, and now they are ready to start a family. These people are able to meet halfway to fulfill their common goals or desires.

Cold Weather Drawbacks

The relationships that seem doomed to fail are the ones in which the couple does not have a connection deeper than appearances, money, or other superficial perks. For example, an older man may proudly find himself the target of his friends’ jealousy when he starts dating a hot 18-year-old. However, the disappointments quickly pile up when he realizes what may accompany this particular age: no previous adult relationships, insecurity, partying lifestyle, and little “real world” experience. Also, you may enjoy the vigor of your younger lover. Yet, what happens if you are ready to have a baby or to move to the countryside, but your energetic partner isn’t ready to settle down?

And Over Time?

Moreover, generations have widely varying ideals, values, and goals from the next. One woman, whose parents are 20 years apart in age, shared her experiences. While the age difference didn’t matter when they were in their 30s and 50s, respectively, it certainly made an impact when they hit their 60s and 80s. When she was younger, the mother hadn’t minded her husband’s old-fashioned views about “a woman’s duties,” such as rearing the kids, cooking, and cleaning. Yet as an aging woman, she no longer had the energy to do all the housework. Also, as he grew older, he became less interested in such activities as traveling—even though she was still into traveling the world.

“While a big age difference is irrelevant for a time,” she concluded, “it’s almost guaranteed to cause problems if you’re still together when the older person is actually old. They have a good relationship despite their differences, though. They knew what they were getting into and decided they loved each other enough that they’d deal with it.”