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How About A Greater Tomorrow Right Now?

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When we fall in love, we fall hard, and it seems to do something to our brains. We start out as reasonable, sensible people who act accordingly, and then all of a sudden we get hypnotized by this other person, and all reason and sense gets thrown away. Next thing we know, we’re bending our values and boundaries around to accommodate what we think this other person wants us to be, and then at some point when the dust of reconstruction settles, we’re left wondering which dumpster it was where we discarded ourselves.

While it’s interesting to sit and wonder, you’re probably busy trying to get back some of your freedom, so that you can take a step toward the future where you can feel good about who you are and find a good relationship. Instead of waiting for all that to happen then, here’s some advice to start living that greater tomorrow now.

Dear Maryanne,

“Should I just give up on him? My best friend and I have always been close. We always opened up to each other, and the way we act towards each other is, well, different. But there’s one catch–he’s gay. I decided to tell him how I felt, anyways. And guess what! He loves me too, ‘so much,’ and he couldn’t imagine never talking to me ever again. I’m his best friend.

So I realized he didn’t understand that much yet, and I decided to wait. But then one night came and something happened, he felt like no one loved or cared about him, so I opened up fully to him. I guess my friend talked to him, too, since he told me that she said we should both be together. I replied back telling him whatever he wants to do, it’s his choice. His answer was, ‘But I have a boyfriend.’

As long as he’s happy, I guess I’m happy too, right? I don’t want to be selfish. I always helped them whenever they had troubles, and not once did I ever tell his boyfriend what he did (he cheats).

Now I don’t know anymore. Like I said, he was gay. But later on, he said he’s getting to the point where it seems like gender doesn’t matter anymore. Today, he told me about this girl. And how he felt like he caused her brain cancer, and that he loved her. I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to help but I was too depressed. Lately I’ve been having no feelings whatsoever. If I smile, it only lasts for a couple of minutes. I barely laugh anymore. The only emotions I receive are depression and anger.

I just don’t really know what to do anymore. At times he would say the sweetest things, like how most guys would tell the girls they love most? But then later it’s as if that never happened. I’m starting to believe he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t feel the same exact way. And me holding onto him is just hurting me even more. I don’t know what to do anymore.

– Julie (15, Denton, Texas, USA)

Dear Julie,

I think you made a very astute observation: “me holding onto him is just hurting me even more.” I think you should definitely take your own advice on this one, put a stop to the fruitless waiting right now, today, and start getting on with healing yourself and preparing yourself to be ready for a healthy relationship with someone who can love you back in the way you love them. You already know that your best friend is never going to be what you want him to be (i.e. a straight man), and so every moment that you continue to wait for the impossible to happen is just one more step into self-delusion. Keeping yourself trapped in a dead end also prevents you from being emotionally available to explore other things, like loving yourself and finding out who you really are.

Letting go is painful, but that pain is temporary, unlike the endless pain you’re suffering now by hanging onto him. When you allow yourself to let go, you’re also opening yourself up to love again. And it will happen, but the great thing is that next time you’ll be able to choose someone who can love you back equally, in a situation where both of you are able to celebrate your true selves.

Q&A: Jealousy Over Past Lovers

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When your new boyfriend or girlfriend keeps talking about their exes, it can be frustrating. Why can’t they just get over it already? If your partner is talking about their ex a lot, it can cause feelings of jealousy and even anger. Here’s what you can do if your partner just won’t stop going on about their past relationships.

Question: What do I do if my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex-boyfriends? It’s making me really jealous and kind of angry. I don’t know how to calm down! Help me please!

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wrh7rbgJAs[/youtube]

How Is She Talking About Her Exes?

Your partner can talk about her exes one of two ways. She can either diss them or talk about how great those past relationships were. If your partner talks about how frustrating it was to be with her exes (and how great it is to be with you) she may just need a sounding board to help her get over the past pain of rejection and hurt. Be there for her until she gets it all out of her system. However, it’s a bit of a different story if your partner is talking about how great her previous boyfriends were and comparing them to you. That hurts!

She’s Chosen You

When you get frustrated with your partner because they’re constantly talking about their ex partners and old relationships, take a moment to remember that she’s with you now. Those relationships are in the past and she has chosen to be with you right now. Every day, each of you makes a choice to continue to be with the other person and stay in the relationship. Remember that she chooses to be with you and stay with you every day for a reason. It’s most likely because she cares about you and enjoys being in this relationship.

Let Her Know How You Feel

If your partner is always talking about how great her past relationships were or how great her ex boyfriends were, it can really cut deep. It’s not okay to be comparing your past boyfriends to your current one out loud, because it can definitely do some relationship damage. Let your partner know how you feel by being honest with them, without being rude. She honestly may not know that her talking about her exes bothers you! Talk to her about how it makes you feel when she talks about her exes and ask her to stop doing it. If you aren’t honest with your partner about how you feel about the situation, you’re just going to sock back anger until you finally blow up at her. Don’t risk ruining the relationship like that. Take some time to really explain to your partner what it does to you emotionally when she goes on and on about her past relationships and ask her to let go of the past. Let her know that you and her are together now and this relationship is the one both of you should be focusing on, instead of staying caught up in past relationships and ex boyfriends.

I Could Have Told You So!

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By the time this is published, I’ll be out of the woods. You see, my husband and I are in the middle of a situation created by the differences between the sexes, and my goal is to refrain from making this particular difference an issue. I so want to point out an oversight he’s made! But that is exactly what would make this particular difference an issue. So, I figured I’d write about it instead.

So here’s what’s going on. To set this up, I need to tell you that my husband and I work together from home. We have separate offices and actually spend a lot of time apart but are mostly just a few steps away from each other. With our lifestyle we get a lot of quality time together. It also means that we like to go out for lunch regularly in order to connect as a couple, rather than as business partners.

Beginning the day after tomorrow, we have commitments that will require a four-day separation. It means that tomorrow is our last day to have lunch together before we go four days hardly seeing each other. I was looking forward to having him to myself tomorrow at lunch. I was also looking forward to lunch with him my first day back.

With two phone calls this afternoon, he arranged for us to have lunch with his son tomorrow and he arranged to have lunch with a friend on my first day back. You’re probably saying, “What is the big deal?” Well, it isn’t a big deal. But it became an opportunity for me to NOT give him a hard time about not seeing the big picture.

The Difference Between Men And Women

That’s the difference between the sexes that we are caught in at the moment. As a woman, I see the big picture and I’ve been making plans around the big picture for weeks! As a man, he is very focused and efficient. The difference means he is missing the opportunity for two separate romantic encounters – the “good-bye” lunch and the “I’m home” lunch.

So, I made the decision that without bitterness, pettiness, or hurt feelings I would leave this alone. I would not point out to him the “mistake” he made. Nor, on the other end of it, when he’s hurting as much as I am that he added more separateness to a time of separation, will I point out to him that he made a “mistake.” To be perfectly clear, I twice put the word mistake in quotes because no mistake has been made. There is absolutely no value distinction between seeing the big picture verses being focused and efficient. Rather, it’s a difference in perspective that can sometimes be beneficial and other times drive a couple crazy – that’s all.

With the exception of the relief that writing this article gives me, I choose to let it go. I can promise you that the marital bliss will be great and far superior to the short lived thrill of being able to say, “I could have told you so.”

Embrace The Difference Between The Sexes

Let me share with you those rewards. If I keep my cool and refuse to let this situation hurt my feelings, I will experience his missing me, which is flattering. I will experience his longing for me, which is also flattering but, more importantly, his longing for me will deepen my yearning for him. When we finally have the time to be alone, conversation will be deep and meaningful as we share our experiences born of the recent separation and our lovemaking will be fun and especially satisfying!

Do you see? There is so much more satisfaction awaiting me by allowing, even embracing, this particular expression of the differences between the sexes. Your relationship is a daily laboratory for growing more love when you take potential problems and turn them into opportunities instead.

Next time you find yourself caught in the battle of the sexes, try slowing down to find the opportunity in it. The pay off could be delightful!

Q&A: How to Fix A Cheating Partner

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If you’ve ever been cheated on, you know the pain and anguish that accompanies it. The feelings of rejection and helplessness are almost unbearable, but rest assured there is something you can do to help the situation. Here’s how you can help change a cheating partner – if they’re willing to change too.

Question: How can one change a lady (or man) who cheats a lot?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHAhSSvRN3g[/youtube]

Cheating Is A Result Of A Need Not Being Met

When a partner cheats on another, it is usually because some physical or emotional need isn’t being met. Many partners have affairs because they don’t feel appreciated or feel confident and seek the approval of someone else to satisfy that need. They may not be getting enough sex or having satisfying sex, or they may want to feel in control or have repressed anger towards their partner that they’re not letting out. Either way, the one thing that is common between almost all cheaters is that they have some kind of need that they aren’t getting from their current partners. Once you begin to understand the reasons behind cheating, you can begin to move foward.

Help Make Your Relationship Better

If you want your partner to stop cheating, talk to them about it. Ask them what they need to have in your current relationship to feel satisfied and let them know you’re going to do your best to meet those needs. If it’s purely sex, ask them what you can do to make sex hotter and more satisfying for your partner. If your partner is seeking the approval of someone else, stop and think about how you’re treating your partner in the relationship. Are you putting them down? Do you criticise them often? If so, your partner may be seeking time with someone who simply dotes on them and enjoys spending time with them without the criticism. Take the time to analyze exactly what is behind your partner’s cheating, because it may not be what you think. Make the initiative to change the relationship and try to meet those needs at home, so your partner doesn’t have to look elsewhere.

Is Your Partner Willing To Change?

That said, you can only do so much to change the relationship to try to meet your partner’s needs. Your partner must have the desire to stop cheating and work on being more involved in the relationship too. They must be willing to not only change themselves, but they have to be open and honest enough to let you know what is truly causing them to cheat. If your partner simply shuts down when you try to talk to them about how to change the situation, flat out denies cheating (with substantial proof otherwise) or doesn’t desire to change their ways at all, it might be time to think about moving on. You deserve to be in a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone who is faithful to you and that takes two people to accomplish. When a partner cheats, it takes two people to fix it. Both partners have to be willing to make changes.

Q&A: What’s The Best Way To Break Up?

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Breaking up is tough, regardless of whether you’re on the breaking up end or the being broken up with end. Deciding to end a relationship isn’t an easy decision but figuring out how to break the news to your partner is even more difficult. What is the best way to break up with someone without breaking their heart?

Question: I’m currently with a guy a year younger than me, and I just don’t click with him. He says he’s in love with me, but I think we’re too young to know what love is. I feel like he’s expressed too much too soon. And since I don’t want to lie to him, I’m breaking up with him. I’m just not sure how. What’s the easiest, least mean way to break up with a man who says he loves you? Please help me.

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJl3D4M27To[/youtube]

Sooner Rather Than Later

When breaking up with someone, the worst thing you can do is drag it out. When you make the final decision to break up with your partner or divorce them, make immediate plans to break up with them soon. Don’t continue leading them on and making them believe you’re still an active participant in the relationship because you’re scared to break up with them or aren’t sure how you’re going to do it.

Make The Breakup About You

If you’re positive that you want to break up with your partner, you need to make the break up discussion all about you. Make it about your feelings. If you make the break up about things your partner isn’t doing or circumstances that you’re not happy with, your partner will immediately suggest that things can change. They will do everything they can to convince you to stay in the relationship by promising that things will be different. Your partner can’t argue with your feelings though, so keeping the discussion about how you feel keeps the break up a break up. Be honest with your partner, and while you want to be courteous and polite instead of critical, it’s never good to sugar coat something or lie to make them feel better. Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to breaking up with someone.

A Learning Experience

While you may be tempted to feel like you’ve wasted your time being with someone you’re not going to stay with, it’s important to remember that each relationship is a learning experience. Relationships – and break ups – allow us to grow as a person. Be grateful for the time that you and your partner had together because not all of it was bad. If it was, you wouldn’t have made the decision to be with them in the first place. Take this opportunity to learn from the relationship and better yourself. It’s important that you realized your right to be happy and that you don’t have to stay with someone and be unhappy just because you don’t want to hurt them. It’s time to move forward with your life and everything that happened in this relationship will make the next relationship even better.