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Q&A: The Other Woman – Is It Love or Curiosity?

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For women, dating men that have many friends of the opposite sex can be stressful. Finding out that your partner is starting to have romantic feelings for one of his female friends is nothing less than emotionally devestating. Can you chalk it up to being typical male sexual curiousity, or is there something more going on there?

Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We never fight, have a great sex life & love each other very much. However, recently, he has been chatting with one of his female online friends more and more and he admitted that he might have feelings for her, but he really loves me and is feeling confused. I am the first woman he was with sexually, and I think that this might be curiosity manifesting itself. We’ve been talking about this very openly, but I find it increasingly difficult to cope with. Should I wait and see what happens with this, or should we take a break from the relationship and give each other space to figure out what we want?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv87cQJb0MA[/youtube]

Exploring His Options

If your partner is beginning to have feelings for someone else, it’s not something he needs to deny or run away from. He needs to be honest with you and honest with himself so that he can start to explore those feelings. If your partner just denies his feelings to himself or to you, it will only serve to exaggerate his feelings and the situation. Once he really begins to examine those feelings, he may find that they fade away quickly.

What Is Missing In Your Relationship?

Often, men who start having feelings for someone else outside the relationship are only doing so because something they want or need is missing inside the relationship. It might be incredibly emotionally difficult to take this situation and use it to take a look at yourself and the relationship, but it’s something you need to do if you want to find out the root behind his feelings for this other person. Talk to your partner, and be open and honest with them. Ask that they do the same for you. Is there something that he feels is lacking in his relationship with you? Is he feeling connected to you emotionally, spiritually, mentally and sexually? If not, it could be why he’s looking in the other direction – she may have something to offer him that you don’t. Instead of getting angry about it, take the opportunity to start giving him what he needs.

Is It An Online Fantasy?

While online dating is an excellent way to meet people, it definitely lacks when it comes to building a relationship with someone over the Internet. It’s difficult to really get to know someone online, and our brains tend to fill in what we don’t know about this person with “plausible” ideas. Essentially, you end up thinking you know someone you’ve met online but in reality, you’re having a relationship with a fantasy person. If your partner starts getting to know someone online and starts having feelings for them, they may actually just be having feelings for a fantasy – because it’s more likely that who he thinks this person is isn’t who they really are.

Are You Ready To Be Monogamous?

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You have met the kind of girl with whom you could settle…but does that mean you are actually ready to settle down? We all assume that when the perfect person comes along, you will know it, you will feel it, and you will be ready to commit. However, sometimes it is not that simple. Sometimes, being single is just way too much fun to quit. So how do you know if you are ready to be part of a pair?

You Want To Be Around Her All The Time

This is quickest, easiest way to tell you want to commit to someone. You have been dating for a couple weeks (or months), yet you cannot get enough of this person. You miss her as soon as she walks inside her house. You wish you could wake up beside her every morning. However, remember that the initial rush of a very fresh relationship produces this same craving, so take heed.

You Are Okay Not Canoodling With Strangers Anymore

Your friend keeps trying to get you to go to the bar with him, like usual. But you’re just not feeling it. You don’t want to spend your energy picking up random chicks, when you know of an amazing one already. You don’t even want to fool around with anyone else, lest it upsets her or makes her think you are less than serious.

You Want To Introduce Her To Your Family

While friends are treated as gatekeepers, your family is more like the guarded treasure. You may decide not to introduce them to any casual flings as a way to protect them (or to protect her from them!). Maybe you don’t want them to get attached to someone you have no future with, or maybe you just don’t want to merge those two areas of your life. However, once you begin feeling like that wouldn’t be such a bad idea, you are getting closer to the idea of being monogamous.

You Want To Tell Her All About Your Life

There are few things in this world that are better than those early moments of a relationship when you stay up all night, telling tales to each other. You tell her embarrassing stories of your youth, endearing stories of your teenage years, and horror stories of, well, last year. You begin to open up and talk about your hopes and fears and goals. You don’t do this with every girl that comes along. You save it for someone you know will support you and will not laugh (well, except when appropriate).

And for the most important sign…

You know a good thing when you see it and you don’t want anyone to steal her from you.

No, that’s not it, although a healthy sense of appreciation to keep you on your toes is always good.

You can see a future with her.

It doesn’t have to be marriage on your mind. But if there is something there, something to make you think you two will be happy together for a long time…that is the only sign you really need.

Whoa, Nelly! Are You Moving Too Fast?

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There comes a time in every relationship when you want to learn all about the person you are dating. You want to hear stories from his childhood. You want to spend the whole weekend together in bed. You want to discuss names of your future babies.

Whoa, what? The future? Babies? Slow down there, missy! It’s natural for expectations to be high in the beginning of a new relationship. Before tension enters the picture, you can imagine all manners of a life together. You can easily see yourselves growing old together. But just as important as it is to want the relationship to sustain, it is equally so that you hold back before you send the man running into the night, wearing nothing but his unmentionables and a horrified expression.

How Do You Know If You’re Rushing The Relationship?

You are pushing to meet his family.

Getting to know the family is a very private affair, reserved only for the best of the best. He will not want to bring home every girl he dates for a month or two. He wants to wait to see if this will last before subjecting her to scrutiny from his mother. Let him call the shots on this one. He’ll know when the time is right.

You call and/or text much more than him.

You wake up and text, “Good morning.” He replies, asks how you’re doing. You follow up with three texts about a dream you had. He sends a curt “That’s nice.” At lunchtime, you call to see what he’s up to, to ask what he’s going to eat, to tell him you’re thinking of him. Then you call on your drive home to talk to him again. When he doesn’t answer, you send a text, asking where he is. That night, you send four more texts…and so on. Unless you are receiving a near equal amount of replies or he makes the effort to call you as much as you are calling him, your constant attention is probably smothering him.

You talk about the (distant) future.

Rather than planning the weekend, you are starting to plan your future in your mind. It’s good to feel optimistic that there could be a future for you two lovebirds…but don’t start wedding-dress shopping just yet. The quickest way to scare a man off is to have the “Where do you see this going?” talk too soon. Wait until you have more time together under your belt.

You want to see him every day.

Much like calling or texting too much, trying to see him every day will get old quickly. Not only could he (and you!) start to get burned out on all the couple-time, but he will think you are the possessive type by keeping him from seeing his friends. You each had a life before the other came along. Keep living that life. As you start to progress (naturally, without one person rushing it forward), you will start to develop a life that involves the two of you more. Enjoy this last bout of freedom, because if all goes well, it won’t last forever.

How to Get or Find a Girlfriend

Is It a Relationship Rut Or About Time You Give Up?

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All relationships ebb and flow, regardless of their longevity or level of commitment. The relationships change over time because the people within those relationships are changing. Sometimes those ebbs can be particularly treacherous, though, threatening to dissolve years of a couple’s hard work. When unhappiness rears itself—whether it is because of loneliness, external stress, or one of the million reasons a couple drifts apart—it can be very difficult to decide whether the relationship is temporarily out of service…or bound for the junk yard.

Digging Deeper

The first thing to figure out is what are you unhappy about? This is very important for one reason: is it directly related to your spouse? If it is work stress or a sudden death in the family, chances are it has nothing to do with your relationship. Rather, your spouse has become a scapegoat for your frustrations. However, if it is because of something your partner is doing (or not doing), that may be different. Is it your partner’s decreased sex drive? Is he or she not showing enough affection anymore?

Next, how long has this been happening? Are you on Day Three or Year Three of feeling like your marriage is doomed? While there is no definitive length of time within which you can consider your relationship to be in a rut, you may want to give it at least a couple months. Within that time, circumstances can drastically change, behaviors can adapt, and a looming problem can be resolved. However, this does not mean you should stick your head in the sand during this time. By all means, work on these problems as they crop up…but don’t consider your relationship null and void after a bad couple of weeks.

Can You Work It Out?

Third, is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is there anything present which gives you hope for the future? Maybe it is an unexpected, passionate kiss in the kitchen while cooking dinner. Maybe it is the admission that he or she was thinking about you all day. While these gestures are small, they can give just enough hope to the desperate partner to keep trying.

Next, is your partner willing to work on these issues, as well? You can read all the self-help books in the world, apply the techniques created by experts, plan extravagant dates to sweep your spouse off his or her feet; but if that person is not reciprocating or even trying, your efforts are in vain. It takes two people keep a relationship going. While the amount of effort may change over time, there must be at least a little exertion coming from each spouse.

Saying Goodbye

Finally, think about your life without this person. Would you be happier without this person in your life? This is the most telling sign of whether your bad relationship has reached its expiration date. Even in the gloomiest lulls or the most volatile arguments, a person can still think objectively: “My partner may frustrate the bejeezus out of me, but I still want him/her in my life.” If you think of a life without your spouse and all you feel is relief or hope, however, it is time to call it quits.

The New Fatal Attraction

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In 1968, Andy Warhol predicted that “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.” It struck a chord and has been a favorite phrase of those achieving fleeting media publicity ever since. Between reality TV and the Internet, Warhol’s prediction has come true in ways unfathomable prior to the 1990’s when the Internet first gained commercial status.

Since November 2009, there is a new breed of publicity grabbing hustlers that ought to strike fear in the heart of philandering men the same way Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction, when her character, Alex, declared to her lover, “I will not be ignored!” High profile, philandering men beware, there are women who will use you to grab their fifteen minutes of fame at the expense of your reputation and your family’s peace of mind.

Gaining Attention

Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James, was outed for having an affair by the woman he had the affair with. Sound familiar? Tiger Woods now infamous long list of women claiming to have been his lover is seared in our memories as part of the 2009 Holiday season background noise.

You don’t have to have the celebrity status of a Tiger Woods or Jesse James. With today’s fifteen minutes of world wide fame, YouTube can accommodate the whims of any woman in the tiniest community who has just a little knowledge of web sites that require you to sign up, sign in, and load up a little information and then, there you have it; your life as you know it ruined by the other woman, using the affair to create notoriety for herself.

When a number of the women Tiger slept with came forward with their names, faces, and occupations, people were stunned that those women had the audacity to draw attention to themselves rather than disappear into the shadows for fear a scarlet letter “A” be emblazoned on their lives. What kind of woman reveals her status as the lover of an adulterer? What kind of society encourages such displays?

I have a hunch about this. Women are born with an innate desire for their men to protect and provide for them. Never before in history has society offered the other woman the means to either force her adulterous lover’s hand to protect and provide for her or to do that for herself by taking advantage of multiple forms of media to plead her case to the public.

Using An Affair For Publicity

John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, raised people’s ire recently with published photographs that included a picture of her lying on her back in bed, looking seductively at the camera as she clutched their child to her breast. She reportedly posed for the pictures because she needed the money. With no apparent regard for good taste or the questionable appropriateness of using her child this way, Rielle used her affair with the former senator and presidential candidate to provide for herself monetarily.

In 2010 in the Western world, the other woman has more power to take care of herself at her lover’s expense than ever before in recorded history. While notoriety and ephemeral fame are short lived providers, they give the other woman a weapon that serves her, not him. That is the distinction that could make this public tell-all by the other woman a new and growing trend. Time will tell.