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John Edwards’ Situation Looks Bleak – Can It Be Saved?

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By now, the news of John Edwards’ admittance to fathering a child with a woman working on his campaign has hit the airwaves and is making its way around the media. Talk shows, news programs, morning shows ~ everyone is riffing off of this admission and everyone has something to say about it. One thing seems to be the general consensus: that following Edwards’ earlier admission to having an affair with this woman, yet denying paternity of the father, no one is actually surprised he’s reneged on this earlier claim.

Can John Edwards’ Marriage Be Saved?

Elizabeth has said she does not want the press questioning her or speculating on what she should or shouldn’t do, and this desire for privacy makes sense. But one can’t help but wonder how this all played out within their marriage. When John admitted adultery last year he made it clear that it was something he already worked out with his family – had he worked this out with them as well? That we may never know, and I don’t want to take the tack of gossip columnists and nay-sayers so I’ll simply say that yes, I still believe John and Elizabeth’s marriage can be saved.

In addition to committing sexual adultery, fathering a baby with his mistress and covering it all up, Edwards may also have committed Financial Infidelity by using money from the campaign to cover up the baby. As is often the case, where one type of infidelity is present, the other is not far behind. When looking at Edwards’ past, it’s easy to see how and why he may have slipped into a pattern of infidelity.

Years ago he and Elizabeth lost a child, then during the elections Elizabeth had a health scare due to cancer, which I believe caused a Biochemical Craving for Connection – I talk about this further in my book, Financial Infidelity. This craving is often found when people are under a lot of stress – something Edwards and fellow adulterer Tiger Woods have in common. It’s probably the case that Edwards couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life.

What Causes Adultery?

Adultery is a disease like alcoholism caused by stress, loss and separation and the baby he admitted to could have subconsciously been a replacement for the son he lost a long time ago. While not justifiable and not something easily gotten over, this is never-the-less why adultery is forgivable, a topic I cover in-depth in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” It is a disease and a cry for help – Edwards had been acting out his fear of losing his wife by doing things to self-medicate himself.

The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with. Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship.

How To Prevent Your Spouse Leaving You After Years Invested In The Marriage

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Yesterday, while mailing one of our books out to a customer, the post master was curious about the name on our return address, “Creating Ideal Relationships, LLC.” He was friendly as well as inquisitive, so I told him my husband and I are relationship coaches. Immediately, he shared with me that earlier in the day a friend of his had come in to mail something and the friend’s response to the question, “Did you have a good Christmas?” was, “My wife divorced me after 27 years.”

Not even knowing the gentleman in question, I was stunned and said, “Ouch! That’s hurtful. That’s a lifetime without a greater number of years on the other side to create a new relationship and new lifetime.” The post master agreed and admitted he wanted to call the wife a name reserved for female dogs and certain kinds of women. We agreed that it was probably more complicated than that.

Why Leave After So Many Years Invested In Marriage?

I thought about that man today whose wife left him over the holidays after 27 years of marriage. I’ve known other men whose wives left them at about the 27 year mark. With that many years invested in a marriage and a family, it seems like such a waste to call it quits. Surely, what’s wrong after 27 years was wrong when you were both much younger and had a better chance of finding better love and a new life.

Wondering what it was all about, my mind flashed on something that may answer the question. I believe that many marriages that end after that many years invested do so because the differences between the sexes were never accepted, much less embraced.

If that is true, you have the opportunity to make a difference for yourself before you invest that much time in a marriage, finding yourself dumped when you’re nearing or past sixty years old. And if you’ve already invested a life time in a relationship, it may not be too late to provide the preventive care that embracing the differences between the sexes can provide!

It is so easy, as time goes by and the honeymoon fades, to fall into ruts of resentment and impatience over the differences between the sexes. It shows up in internal conversations that go something like the following.

“He’s always trying to fix what isn’t broken. Why can’t he just listen to me?”

“I can’t stand her nagging me.”

“It’s always all about him. He interrupts because he’s not listening. He never pays attention to what I’m feeling or what might be in my best interest in any given situation. He’s such a child!”

“She talks so much. I’ve learned how to tune her out and pretend to listen without getting caught. I don’t even feel guilty about it anymore.”

“I know how I want it done. The way I do it works best. Why can’t he just do what I want him to do, the way I want it done, when I want it done?”

“You try to give a woman advice, really help her, and all of sudden you’re her worst enemy. I cannot win with this woman!”

All these conversations and more are clues that you carry resentment for your spouse and they are all about the differences between the sexes.

Understanding The Difference Between Men And Women

You can’t change the opposite sex to be more like you. It doesn’t matter how much of a tom boy and one of the guys she was when you first fell in love. It doesn’t matter how easy it was to be with her in the beginning. It doesn’t matter how thoughtful he was, available to listen for hours when you were first falling in love. Those personality traits that made him or her seem like a twin were anomalies born of the rush of passion, lust, and attraction that accompany falling in love.

The thing you can’t do anything about is rewire his or her brain to be more like yours. Truth be told, you wouldn’t want to. The wiring differences between the male and female brain play a large part in creating the chemistry that makes us attracted to each other in the first place. Without the differences, there is no sexual tension, there are no babies made, life doesn’t continue!

What you can do something about is your attitude towards those differences. The men and women who remain happy in the relationship throughout their lives, appreciate the differences between them, continuing to find each other fascinating mysteries with so much left to be discovered.

There are lots of books on the subject of the differences between men and women and how it’s a brain thing that dates back to before the beginning of history. You can learn how these differences worked perfectly 5,000 years ago but don’t work nearly as well here in 2010.

The really short version is men are focused. That’s why it often seems to be “all about him!” He sees everything in relation to himself and his surroundings. That focus is meant to protect you from immediate harm. Women are big picture folk. That’s why she nags, because she can see further into the future, anticipating consequences that he is truly blind to. The ability to see the big picture also makes her thoughtful, caring, and nurturing.

The bottom line is this. If you have any conversations about what’s wrong with men or what’s wrong with women, whether it is with your friends or inside your head, it means you harbor resentment that can grow into a poison, resulting in an abrupt and bitter end to your relationship in the near or distant future. Those conversations are also opportunities to wake up, learning to accept and embrace the differences between you. Best of luck to you to do so!

Great Valentine’s Day Resources For A Hot, Sexy Evening You Won’t Forget

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Short on ideas for a hot and steamy Valentine’s Day? Want to spice things up for a Valentine’s night that your partner won’t ever forget? You’re in luck – we have some of the hottest resources available for Valentine’s Day ideas – whether you want to do something sweet and romantic or something sexy and fun, we’ve got you covered. Check out any of these e-books and get a free Valentine’s Day gift!

Get any one of these incredible e-books before Valentine’s Day and get 101 Unique Valentine’s Day Gift ideas absolutely free! No more worrying about what to get your significant other – now you can get them something creative, heartfelt and special! Your partner will never forget this Valentine’s Day!

Q&A: Will It Be Me Or Her Ex?

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Choosing between two good things is not the easiest thing to do, whether you’re deciding on what dessert to get or which guy you want to be with. However, if you’re one of the good things that a girl is choosing between, it can make for a pretty uncomfortable situation. Is she going to choose you or someone else? What should you do?

Question: I courted a girl 4 months ago and want her to be my girlfriend, but she still loves her ex-boyfriend. but she just told me that she has feelings for me. What should I do?

–Facebook Question

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXgv0hY66pU&feature=channel[/youtube]

The Decision Is Up To Her

Like it or not, she is the one who will have to make the decision in this situation. Does she want to work things out with her ex-boyfriend (and this depends on the reason he’s her ex and not her current beau) or does she want to try having a brand new relationship with you? Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do to influence her decision except being supportive of her. Encourage her to sit down and really think about what she wants. This may be uncomfortable for you to do, but if you don’t support her thinking through this decision and she chooses you, you’ll forever wonder if she’s wishing she would have chosen him. She has to be sure.

Don’t Let Her Play Both Sides

A choice between two men she has feelings for is difficult, and many women in this situation have simply neglected to make a final decision. They end up riding the fence and being wishy washy – a way of getting their cake and eating it too. While you need to support her making a decision, allowing her to play both sides is only going to cause everyone involved pain and emotional damage. She needs to make a concrete decision and stick with it once she’s decided. If she chooses you, she needs to discontinue having contact with her ex-boyfriend. If she chooses him, do the right thing. Don’t call, don’t text and let her go.

Don’t Put Her On A Pedestal

When a guy finds a girl he really likes, it’s tempting to put her on a pedestal. It’s tempting to believe that she’s special, she’s different and she’s THE ONE. Even if she chooses another man over him, he’ll still try to contact her and be in her life in some form or another hoping against hope that she’ll eventually see they were meant to be together. This is only going to prevent you from finding someone who does want to be with you and try having a great relationship! If she chooses her ex-boyfriend, realize that she’s not the only fish in the sea. Sure, it’s going to sting. Allow yourself to feel disappointed, sad and even angry. These feelings are all normal. But at the end of the day, she’s not perfect – she’s human. There are lots of other great catches out there, ones that you may very well develop fulfilling and satisfying relationships with and who do choose to be with you.

Q&A: What You Should Know Before Getting Married

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Getting married is a big step. Even starting a new relationship with someone is kind of like jumping into the pool feet first. Is there anything you can do to keep a relationship or marriage from ending badly? Is there anything you should know before getting married or starting a new relationship, so you can have the best chance at success?

Question: People should START by being more responsible when they start relationships. Maybe you guys should stop giving advice on ending relationships and start giving advice on how people can be more responsible when starting a relationship. That why you can keep more marriages together and save their children from emotional and psychological distress.

–YouTube Viewer

 [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD8hNfX0bpQ[/youtube]

Love Yourself First

The most important thing you need to do before embarking on a long term relationship or marriage is learning to love yourself first, flaws included. Many of us look for acceptance from others, when we haven’t accepted ourselves yet. Unfortunately, we won’t ever get the kind of acceptance we crave as human beings from another person unless we’ve done it ourselves first. Accept who you are, love yourself for who you are and other people will begin to do the same. Seeking outside approval is going to get you nowhere.

Don’t Try To Fix Them

The biggest problem in relationships and marriages is that a person doesn’t fall in love with someone for who they are right now, they fall in love with who they think this person will be after they are “fixed.” Many women try to change their boyfriends, partners and husbands after they’ve already gotten knee deep in the relationship. Men do it too, but it usually only ends in frustration and the dissolution of the relationship. Don’t think of how you can fix or change your partner, or that you’d love them if they just didn’t do this one little thing…learn to love your partner for who they are right now, not who you think they will be. Long term relationships are difficult, but they always help us grow. Allow your partner to help you grow and vice versa, but recognize the difficulty involved before you jump in. A good, loving, satisfying relationship or marriage is never going to be easy. But nothing that is easy is worth having. Try going to couples counseling before making a huge committment. Just because you’re in counseling doesn’t mean anything is wrong in the relationship – it’s also a great way to learn about your partner as well as learn about yourself, and learn about healthy ways to handle problems and disagreements that will inevitably come up in the future.

Don’t Stay In A Bad Relationship

If you’re in a bad relationship or marriage, don’t stay in it “for the kids” or because you believe in sticking it out. Even if there are children involved, chances are, they’re just as unhappy as you are in the relationship from having to hear all the fighting and bickering. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on from an unhealthy relationship, because often, that is the path that is better for everyone involved and frankly, moving on from an unhealthy or even abusive relationship is the grown up thing to do.