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Can Your Friends Or Lovers Be Holding You Back?

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The mutual flow of respect and support is essential to all healthy, sustainable relationships. Whether friends or lovers, we all want to believe those closest to us want for us to thrive, to fulfill our dreams and to achieve inner and outer success. Yet when this isn’t our experience, we might want to look more closely at the nature of these relationships.

What Is An Unsupportive Relationship?

When I first began to realize this, it was as I got my first big break in my budding media career. I squealed with delight when the producer called from a popular syndicated radio show asking to interview me. My heart pounded, my mouth went dry ~ I had worked so hard and now it seemed things were about to unfold. I was ecstatic.

The funny thing was, the one person I thought would be the happiest for me was anything but. Upset by his confusing affect, I pressed the matter. “Aren’t you happy for me? This is what I have worked so hard for, to get the message out there, but you seem upset?” He looked at me and unexpectedly said, “Now what, you’re going to be some big star and have to start traveling. I don’t want to be with someone who …” He didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t have to, as it turned out; his attitude towards me and my success was a major culprit in ending our relationship a few painful years and many missed opportunities later. Opportunities that I passed up, afraid he would leave me if I didn’t.

It would take me years to identify and learn the importance of surrounding myself with supportive people.

Signs Of Unsupportive Relationships

Making Ourselves Small – you notice you place others’ needs or wants above your own, or hold back your wants and desires because you are afraid to alienate friends or lovers.

Hiding Our Success – you hide or minimize or significant events or progress towards your heart’s desires, not to arouse negative response, rejection or criticism

Jealousy – notice people who say they love or care about you are giving you mixed messages about your good fortune or advancement toward your goals. I.E. You just graduated from law school, your friend slaps you on the back and sarcastically says, “How does it feel to be part of the bottom-feeders club?” or “Ya know, most lawyers don’t even end up using their degree!”

Undermining– someone you care about purposely says or does something to throw you off track. Perhaps your single roommate conveniently doesn’t tell you your hot new boy friend called, twice; or doesn’t mention your name to someone who could help your career when they said they would; or worse, bad-mouths you behind your back.

Competitiveness – maybe your buddy hits on a someone you have had your eye on for quite some time and then says something like, “Hey dude, snooze you lose.” Or picks your brain about your latest idea, takes it without telling you, and uses it themselves without cutting you in. This is a huge sign of someone who is using you to further their own ends.

Devil’s Advocate – this person is always telling you why you can’t do something or why it won’t work, even when you don’t ask and they’re not an authority on the subject. “No one’s ever done that before.” “You can’t do that; you don’t have a license!” or “Where are you going to get the money to do that?” “She’ll never go out with you!” etc.

What To Do If You’re In An Unsupportive Relationship

If you suspect someone you care about or love is holding you back, consider this: Great relationships begin within! No matter what they’re doing, we need to look first at how we treat and care for ourselves. Relationships stem from this fundamental truth.

One of my husband’s and my marriage vows is “I want what you want for yourself,” and the friends I have today are as much fans of my living a rich, fulfilling life as I am of them doing the same. I am grateful every day to have them all in my lives!

Avoid A Pent Up Purchase This Holiday Season

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Have you had your spending reined in? Do you feel like you’re on a short leash, financially? Have you been unable to indulge in the little splurges for yourself or loved ones that you were used to? The economic climate overall is improving, but that doesn’t mean everyone is rebounding ~ in fact, for some people the sting of financial downturn is still fresh, whether it be from a lost job, a foreclosed house, a lifestyle downsize, or any one of a number of things.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, this recession hasn’t been all bad, as it’s taught many of us what’s truly important: we’re taking pleasure in the little things like eating meals together instead of going out, watching movies at home with friends instead of splurging on expensive outings, doing crafts with our kids instead of buying them the latest gadget, and so on.

But there’s nothing like the holidays to make you feel the pinch of a pinched penny. This time of year has ALWAYS been a hard one for much of American. People frequently go into debt to buy the perfect gift for themselves or a friend or family member. We throw caution to the wind and plan vacations home, eat meals out, host parties … and make things more stressful than they should be.

As many families are in the midst of needing to cut back, it’s even more of a necessity to live within your means this holiday season, but it’s likely to be even more tempting to overindulge. I call this a Pent Up Purchase. It’s related to a typical symptom of infidelity, the Pissed off Purchase, which I describe in my book Financial Infidelity, and can manifest itself in several ways:

Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing – and the penny pinching many are experiencing – is actually a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.

Avoid Holiday Overspending

So where does that leave us, as we stare the holiday season in the eyes? Make sure you’re taking advantage of the GOOD things we can learn from this recession, like I mentioned above. It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress=more tendency to spend=more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the financial infidelity cycle! Spending time with your family – which is often at the core of a memorable holiday experience anyway, even after you strip away the gifts and festivities – can be a good place to start. Or if your family is a source of even MORE stress know your limits and boundaries.

Essentially, the advice that is always relevant during this time of year is even more pertinent now: Take time to rest, to enjoy the season, to be with the people that you love, and let the support of all these things carry you through the stresses you may be feeling about finances, money or the economy.

Confidence Is Nature’s Best Aphrodisiac

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“Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.” – Aimee Mullins

I remember as a teenager, being so self-absorbed, hoping my Prince Charming would come along and rescue me from my life as I knew it! One day I read an article in a woman’s magazine about my very predicament. This article informed me that there was no way Prince Charming was going to come rescue me. He wasn’t going to do it because sad, pouting women are not appealing to any Prince Charming.

You Won’t Catch A Prince By Being A Sad, Pouting Princess

This was before the self-help field and resources burst upon the scene. Within a handful of years, the same article would have communicated that any man who did rescue a sad, pouting woman likely had issues of his own. The pair would create a dysfunctional union sure to self-destruct in time.

All I know is that article was one of the things I’ve read in my life that turned my life around. I wish I’d kept it so I could thank the author. I must have instinctively understood what she meant and got busy becoming a funny and flirtatious young woman, allowing my sense of humor and easy laughter to dominate my interactions with people. It didn’t make me any less serious. When I hurt, I allowed myself to process what hurt. When I was angry, I dealt with it. I simply quit taking myself so seriously that I was getting in my own way of having a fun and rewarding youth.

I have kept that advice close to my heart, allowing it to inform my life ever since. From having sweet boyfriends in high school and college to attracting my husband to making friends and getting along well with acquaintances and strangers, generally content and happy people attract good stuff from other people.

Confidence Can Help You Avoid Bad Relationships

In my early thirties, I did get into a rut with a destructive relationship that eventually found me in a low grade depression for a number of years. During that time, the happy version of me was more of a comfortable mask as the relationship tore at my self-esteem, wearing down my confidence.

Towards the end of that phase of my life, I realized something that turned my life around once again. Perhaps because the relationship wasn’t serving me, I found myself studying and admiring other men. With those who were in relationships, I’d study and admire their women as well. Whether it was a Hollywood couple or the couple next door, I think I was looking for answers to my problems in the success other seemed to find.

My observations taught me something precious that goes along with the “Prince Charming likes a happy, confidant woman” thing. I learned that confidence is sexy. I mean it is the sexiest attribute a person can own! Confidence can turn less than attractive looks and turn them into glorious imperfections that you can’t wait to get close to!

Confidence Is A Turn On

Think about it. Patricia Arquette has those adorable crooked teeth. When is her smile the most appealing? Whenever she radiates confidence. Consider Hollywood’s leading men. Any number of them you would not find nearly as handsome without their delicious confidence in tact. Will Smith has funny ears. Who cares? His confidence is so attractive! Christian Bale is a perfect example. He’s played roles where he was insecure, even a little psychotic as well as roles where he exuded confidence. As Batman he is drop dead sexy. It goes far beyond the body building. It’s the confidence. In the roles where he is convincingly insecure, he doesn’t look like someone you want to get close to.

Personally, the chemistry between my husband, Joseph, and me when one or both of us is feeling especially confident; even if we come off a little cocky, is palatably richer. Because the chemistry is good, period; the fact that I can tell that confidence still makes a difference is convincing enough to me that I’m on to something here.

Besides, remember I told you about that destructive relationship where I wound up in a low grade depression? When I began practicing confidence, both the depression and the relationship unraveled, freeing me to have a new life where I got to attract Joseph. I highly recommend confidence as an aphrodisiac and general life enhancer!

Are You Trying To Outmaneuver (Or Out-Mother) His Mother?

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When you try to take the place of your man’s mother, even compete with her for his attention, you are trying to outmaneuver her at her game. That isn’t the game you want to play. It doesn’t matter if both he and she seem to hook you into that game on a daily basis. What game you play with your husband/significant other is your choice!

Your Happiness Relies Only On You

It takes to two to tango. And even though, if you’ve been in a relationship with a mama’s boy, you might want to make a reference to how three can’t tango and that’s what you’ve got in your house; your happiness is up to you, baby. It isn’t dependent on your man or his mother. It’s all about you. Let me explain.

First of all, there are a variety of types of mama’s boys out there. In fact, there are so many that if you swear off all mama’s boys, you won’t have a whole lot of men left to choose from. Sure, the stereotypical mama’s boy still tied to his mother’s apron strings can make you feel pathetic and hopeless. That type may be easy enough to steer clear of. But then there are the mama’s boys who are incredible nurturers of the women and children in their lives. Man, these men seem to be ideal! And, in many ways they are. However, such nurturers, while they may never ask their mother’s advice, they may not be able to make a decision without your advice. Interestingly, this can become annoying, especially when a woman desires leadership from her husband.

Different Types Of Mama’s Boys

There’s another type of mama’s boy that appears macho, independent, and fiery. While this man comes across as passionate and sexy, when his jealousy is stirred, his need for you to make him the absolute center of your universe can become too intense to live with – not to mention, dangerous!

Another type of mama’s boy is the perpetual teenager. He has a lot of energy. He can get things done and take action when required. But he requires a whole lot of attention too. No matter what’s going down in the family with anyone else, all of it seems to always be all about him from his perception. That just becomes exhausting.

What all these types have in common is the need for their woman’s undying attention, devotion and “mothering“– but not that of a lover’s attention and devotion. For the woman, and sometimes for bystanders, his need for maternal attention and devotion can be seen, heard, and felt. It can be a minor annoyance or make her skin crawl. It can be something they laugh about, with her gently challenging him to show up as an adult male; or, it can make her feel trapped in a prison. It can be something she dismisses or something she tries to control.

Another thing all these types have in common is the number of daddy’s girls in their lives! Daddy’s girls are the other side of the mama’s boy coin. When they were growing up, daddy’s girls were encouraged to either take care of their fathers, in some way replacing their mothers; or encouraged to take their absent fathers’ places with their mothers. Both situations lead little girls to perceive themselves as superior to men, which is exactly the kind of woman a mama’s boy attracts.

Don’t Treat Your Mama’s Boy Like A Child

When you find yourself wanting to sit him down and “teach” him about relationships, you’re treating him like a child. When you get impatient, dismissive, and disrespectful about his habits, speech, whatever, you’re taking on the role of mother, as if he’s a little boy. When you spend valuable time complaining about his behavior or choices either to his face or behind his back, you’re acting like a victimized mom who can’t control her son. Perhaps it goes without saying that when you correct anything about him, particularly on a regular basis, you have assumed the role of mother.

By taking on the role of mom with your man, you yourself undermine the potential for the two of you to have an adult relationship heavy on romance and passion, light on power struggle. Just because women are hard wired for relationships and instinctively know how to “do” relationship better than men, doesn’t mean we should come at them all superior and bossy. Those attitudes are certainly a turn off for everyone involved!

How To Tango

Play the game of love and adult romance by refusing to go to either little girl, the doting mother, or overbearing mama bear with your man. Keep choosing to be the receptive woman within your relationship. Do not fall into the temptation of being the one to fix or correct him.

When you feel superior to him, put your attention on some quality of his that catches your breath. If you can’t think of such a quality, search your memory for when you once noticed those qualities and put your attention there. Chances are you’ve just fallen out of the habit of noticing the things about him that turn you on. Revive that habit!

Remind yourself that he isn’t your father, your son, your brother, your student, or even an old boyfriend. He is the man in your life you have chosen to love and respect. Put your attention there. Whatever brings you out of daddy’s girl needing to fix, cajole, protect, defend, or punish your man; go to that place that places you firmly in the place of willing, adult, romantic and sexual partner of this man with whom no one, especially not his mother, can compete. The more you hang out there, the more he and the relationship will mirror your intention. That is an appropriate use of your innate relationship talent!

Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

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Hard to believe the holidays are just around the corner! For some of us, that’s good news – while others of us are likely dreading the upcoming months. Although many people look forward to this time of year, there’s no denying we face countless stresses starting now and lasting through the end of the year – if not beyond. For this reason it’s not unusual to see a spike in instances of adultery during the holidays. Beyond the “basic” role that stress plays in adulterous relationships, I’ve come up with a number of reasons why it can be even more tempting to engage in a dalliance at this time of year.

Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

  • Sex has no calories – ok, this one’s pretty obvious! There are plenty of activities that involve a lot of stress and a lot of extra eating! Sex is a way to absolve yourself of both … unless it’s with someone other than your partner. In which case, the stress relief is only momentary – and you’ll be left with an affair, which is a lot worse than a few extra pounds.
  • People go into emptiness during holidays, regrets, family they miss, happiness and sadness – as I mentioned, the holidays can be difficult for people. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other so you can face the holiday challenges together.
  • People are more vulnerable – this goes hand-in-hand with the above statement. The good news is, this is a time of year where people are taking time off, spending time with family and friends. So take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of infidelity.
  • People drink more and inhibitions are lower, more prone to sex – ’nuff said. You don’t want to be next years’ sad story.
  • During the holidays there are more parties – this means more people are wearing sexy clothes, dancing together, drinking (as mentioned above) going home together.  This lowers inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret. The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know  your limits.

As a general rule, I tell people not to drink at work-related events, including holiday parties: it’s just too easy to let yourself go, especially when the people around you aren’t setting the greatest examples! If you’re worried things will end badly, you can politely decline to attend certain festivities!

Another tip is – DON’T DANCE! At least not with a co-worker and definitely not someone with whom you may be feeling a bit of heat. Bring your significant other to such events – enjoy their company, dance with them, go home with them and if there IS someone at work that could potentially lure you to cheat, introduce them to your partner as a way of staying honest! I mention the importance of this introduction – and how to handle it – in my book, “Make up, Don’t Breakup.”

  • People are eating more sweets during Christmas, sweets have a biochemical effect on stress. Causes more acting out behavior.  Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself against having a holiday affair!