Power struggles erupt in relationships for any of a number of reasons. It could be the clash that often happens when two people attempt to co-mingle their lives. It could happen because one person feels threatened by a decision the other has made. And – especially in economic times like we’re facing now – it could happen over money.

One of the most important things for a couple that is in a power struggle, is to learn to fight fair. This is especially crucial now, as it’s likely that more and more couples ARE fighting about money, and these arguments are likely to become more and more heated. Fighting fair does NOT mean avoiding conflict in favor of polite discussion. Conflicts are inevitable and it is the way that couples work through them that influences how they relate to each other emotionally. That’s why I’ve set forth several rules for fighting fair:

How To Fight Fair

1. Ask permission. Make sure that now is a good time to talk about that crucial issue. If not, make an appointment to do so.

2. Reschedule if necessary. If it’s not a good time – or if your partner is likely to stonewall to avoid conflict – get them to commit to a time within 24 hours that you CAN talk about the topic at hand.

3. Put time limits on the fight. If the topic becomes too sensitive, allow for either person to take a “time out.”

4. Don’t ignore. Even while you’re fighting, maintain eye contact, acknowledge what they’re saying, let them finish their thoughts, and listen to them. Get rid of distractions.

5. Use “I” sentences. Don’t blame, criticize or be negative. Bring it back around and take responsibility for your actions and thoughts.

6. Echo what you hear and validate feelings. It can be easy to get angry over the course of the fight to the point that you don’t want to communicate. But it’s important that your partner know their feelings are important to you, even if you disagree. Repeat what they’re saying to make sure you understand, and do so with out “editorializing” or adding your own spin.

7. Empathize. Saying things like, “that makes sense,” or, “ I can see how you feel that way,” go a long way toward diffusing a heated argument. You may still have a long way to go to come to a decision or compromise but if you each know the other person understands where you’re coming from, it’ll make the road that much easier.

8. Be honest, but don’t be hurtful. Go beyond your comfort zone to express how you are feeling and what you’re worried about, but choose your words carefully!

9. Detach from your emotions. I mean this in a positive way! When you argue, practice listening to the content, but not giving in to a knee-jerk emotional response.

10. Before, during, and after a fight, practice attachment skills. Touch your partner when making a point. Reconnect by holding hands or hugging after you’ve reached a compromise. Maintaining positive touch throughout this process can reframe the argument and the issue.

Our nation’s scandals are more and more focused around money – it’s loss, gain, and corruption. Take the recent news of Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s alleged attempt to sell Barack Obama’s former senate seat. Or the accusations against Bernard Madoff who is accused of squandering billions of investor’s money. As the New York Times points out:

“The most salacious news stories pivot on money, not mistresses, prostitutes or toe taps in an airport men’s room. It’s the 10th anniversary of Monicagate and the impeachment of President Clinton, and even the Fox News Channel cannot summon the energy to dwell on Linda Tripp … It seems like ages since anyone cared about John Edwards’s extramarital folderol. Madonna’s divorce settlement is a footnote. Eliot Spitzer is so pre-Fannie Mae.”

Financial Infidelities And How To Talk About Them

The focus on infidelities and sex has seemingly been taken out of the public eye in exchange for a focus on money. And that’s increasingly the case for couples across the nation as well. Financial Infidelity (spending money behind your partner’s back as a way to justify any one of a number of behaviors) isn’t too much of a threat any more because couples don’t HAVE the money they once did for discretionary spending.

Now is the time to re-connect with your partner, specifically about your finances. If you can’t discuss the issues that money brings up, that’s not a great reflection on your marriage. Use these topics to get you talking and to deflect the normal angst that comes with the pressure of money and budgets.

“We overspent while we were ____ (fill in the blank – could be “on a vacation,” “away for a weekend,” or even, “out to dinner”) and now that a financial crisis has hit we need to get back on track.”

*One or both of you may not take budgeting seriously and maybe it wasn’t highly important in the past. but now that money is tighter, it has become a priority. Whatever the case, you need to evaluate how you deal with money, leisure activities and “spur of the moment” purchases.

“Who reviews the credit card/bank statements each month”

*The person who isn’t doing the reviewing may feel as though their purchases are being “checked up” on. as a couple you need to work hard toward sharing the “power” of the checkbook. One person shouldn’t feel like they’re less-informed or less-involved in the process.

“We can’t afford to ______ but our friends/family can and that makes it difficult.” (Again, fill in the blank.)

*There may be a lot you can’t afford to do this year that you’ve done in the past and you need to know how to deal with these situations. In some situations it’s hard to talk about money with friends and family especially if you feel they’re in a better place financial, or if you have a habit of doing something together. Never-the-less, you need to lay out expectations for big ticket items and expenses at the on-set. Together, decide what you can afford and if necessary inform the other party, and present it as a unified decision. You may be surprised at how many people are relieved!

I have a friend who is preparing to move to Costa Rica for two reasons. One is financial as he believes he can live more cheaply there. Since all his grown children live here in the States, the second reason might be the more important one. He is also moving to Costa Rica for the women. He finds the women of Costa Rica more satisfying.

Just before I found out my friend was leaving for Costa Rica, I ran across a web site by a man who specializes in introducing American men to Eastern European women. His reasons for hosting the site are similar to my friend’s reasons for moving to Costa Rica. This man married an Eastern European woman a few years ago after discovering that they are beautiful and submissive. At least that is his experience of them. He believes they know how to take care of their men and homes in ways that Northern American women no longer know how to do.

Do Better Women Exist In Other Countries?

I don’t know what it’s like in your world between men and women, but I do know what it is like in mine. At the risk of coming across as arrogant, I thought I would write about what it is like in my world because I think Joseph and I have created something others can also create with the results being romantic relationship satisfaction. You see, Joseph is seventeen years my senior. He comes from a generation where women were expected to be homemakers, mothers, and submissive. However, 1) he doesn’t expect that of me and 2) I bring some of that to the relationship in addition to being a career woman.

I’ve heard it said that a woman can have it all, she just can’t have it all at the same time. A woman cannot be a stay-at-home-mom and a career woman (unless that career happens online or some other way from her home). She can have a career some of the years of her life and be a stay-at-home-mom other years of her life. A woman can be married, have a career and/or motherhood, and have a great sex life! However, having that great sex life, while balancing all the rest, takes proactive action plans and having the attitude that she is desirable. Those action plans and attitude take time and energy that have to come from somewhere, which means something goes without her attention. That something might be housework or yard work.

A man can have it all: a career, loyal friends, a beautiful wife who also has a career, children, and a sex life with that beautiful wife that rocks as long as he realizes that having it all may very well mean pitching in around the house and in his children’s lives in ways his own father never did. These days, having enough money to support our lives requires that both spouses work. Between technological advances and this information age we live in, both spouses need and deserve to have jobs and creative pursuits that satisfy them.

My house will never, ever look like something out of the “Southern Homes & Living” magazine! Even if I tried, I couldn’t make it happen even for a single day. But my home is important to me. I make it cozy and warm. Joseph appreciates this. The coziness and warmth make him feel welcome.

What A Real Relationship Is All About

When we work together, whether it is at a couple’s retreat, on our internet radio show, giving a presentation, in our writing, or relationship coaching; we work as equals. We know our own and each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We know how to complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses in order to produce the best results possible. Working in tandem is fun and juicy because we are free to appreciate the best in each other and support each other through the moderate and worst parts!

In our intimacy, whether that is date night, playfully teasing each other, sharing our day, or making love, I bring my respect for him as a man of action to the table (or bed) and he brings his respect for my feelings to the table (or bed). In other words, there are times each and every day for me to relax into my role as the receptive feminine woman and him to stand in his role as the active masculine man.

When we get crossways, we do not abuse each other. Nor do we abuse the privilege of knowing each other so well. When there is roughness between us, as soon as we are able, we each take responsibility for the situation and work our way back to connectedness.

All these things take effort from both of us. All these things and the effort they take are why the laundry piles up, the house and yard are not perfect, and our pets run us more than other pet owners would allow! But we get to have each other, cherishing and honoring each other in our love, passion, and friendship with one another.

There is an awesome quote by Brian Tracy that has to do with business relationships but might just as well have to do with romantic ones. It goes like this, “The fastest way to improve your relationships is to make others feel important in every way possible.”

Good relationships take work. But if you are willing to determine where in your life you can make sacrifices that are really not such a big deal, you can find the time and energy to be and do what it takes to remember you each think the other hung the moon, and find new ways of letting him or her know just how much you appreciate them for that!

Have you ever had one of those knock down, drag out fights where you knew when you opened your mouth to speak that you were going to wind up with raised voices, hurt feelings, and the belief that this argument would never be resolved? Chances are that the invitation to the fight came wrapped in a package that appeared innocent but turned out to be hiding anger that was just waiting to erupt; like a toxic bearing snake-in-a-can, blowing up in your face and wounding your heart.

What Causes Knock Down, Drag Out Fights?

There is a physiological reason for those kinds of fights that began the day you were born and dates all the way back to when humans first appeared on this planet. Before I tell you more, let me say that I owe a debt of gratitude to Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny for writing the book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.” Their book was a big eye-opener for both my husband and me. I cannot recommend it highly enough! But now, let’s get back to the purpose of this article.

There is an innate difference between men and women that shows up in infants. Infant girls do not like lack of contact or isolation. They cannot tolerate it. As such, baby girls are experts in the art of eye contact and bonding rituals. It is a survival skill that keeps parents interested in them and their welfare. From birth through the rest of their lives, women are sensitive to the degree of separateness or closeness in all their relationships. It makes them sensitive to the consequences that will come if they do not behave well. It means that fear of abandonment is their biggest trigger.

Infant boys do not like sudden stimulation. They cannot tolerate it. They startle faster than girls and it takes less to startle them. Men are hard-wired for hyperarousal because of its great benefit in defeating predators. Throughout history, whether animal or human, our predators have been crafty stalkers and attackers. The hyperarousal of the males could mean the difference in whether an entire tribe flourished or was killed off. Because being over stimulated causes a cortisol dump that is quite painful to experience, even infant boys will protect themselves from it by avoiding direct eye-contact with their parents. Usually, this results in parents either turning their attention away from their baby boys or over stimulating them in order to hold the baby’s attention. That results in baby boys experiencing shame, which brings on a painful cortisol dump that takes hours to dissipate. It means that men avoid resolving conflicts with their women because those conversations so often mean hearing what he did wrong (in specific, excruciating detail), resulting in feeling shame and the pain of the cortisol dumps. It means that shame is a man’s biggest trigger.

Putting It All Together

In general, fear being a woman’s biggest trigger and shame a man’s isn’t a big deal. It is how we manage the fear and the shame that causes stress to a relationship, resulting in the knock down, drag out fights that deplete us of energy and threaten our love.

Here is the secret then to not only avoiding the knock down, drag out fights but communicating in a way that protects your weaknesses and builds on your strengths.

As a woman, if you are already feeling fear, you can bet he is already feeling shame. As a man, if you are already feeling shame, you can bet she is already feeling fear. This is true even if neither of you has spoken yet! If you can feel the feeling in yourself, something has occurred that is making each of you experience your biggest triggers; fear for her and shame for him.

Therefore, if you find you want to either confront your lover or run, do not say anything. Don’t speak. Breathe, even step away, and consider a time when you felt love and pride with your partner. As you consider a time when you felt the opposite of fear or shame with your lover, you will relax and feel a little better. You can then move towards each other without words or with fewer, softer words and move forward in a healthier frame of mind and heart.

Practice Makes Perfect

You can practice this with small things all the time, gaining expertise as you go! For those times when you cannot help yourself and you wind up in a knock down, drag out fight, you can still use this technique at the end to help you get back on track, repairing and healing the love that was momentarily, traumatically damaged.

And if you have children, especially infants, remember why your little boys avoid direct eye contact and mushy cuddling. While they are just trying to protect themselves, they actually need more touch and attention than little girls do. So be patient, hang in there with them, neither turning away nor insisting on your own way. Slowly but surely, their tolerance for attention will increase as they learn to trust that you will not shame them.

Men and women are complex, magnificent creatures! Understanding our physiological differences can help us take how we deal with each other a little less personally, giving us patience to learn how to deal with each other in more loving, supportive ways that speak to both sexes in the manner they best see and hear each other’s love.