I was planning this week to write about about how to handle financial disagreements when they do arise in your relationship, and with all that’s been going on in our country, it’s a perfect time to bring in some specific examples and unpack the tools needed to get through stressful financial times. Now, couples are faced with a great opportunity to band together against the financial infidelity taking place in the world around them, and use this time to work together toward long term financial success, yes, but perhaps more importantly toward relationship success as well.

Disagreeing About Money

Fights about money crop up frequently in most relationships and with added stresses – like potential job loss, inability to pay bills, possibility of foreclosure, etc., etc. – arguing about ANYTHING can be painful, but talking about money heaps stress upon stress. In order to avoid the fallouts that often come in these high-stress situations, it’s important to focus on using “attachment language” when you argue, and also ensure that your partner has a “safe landing” during what can often be heated discussions. In other words, don’t blame each other. Look at the situation as objectively as possible. Allow each person to state their fears, concerns and frustrations without interruption or fear of reprisal, and by doing so create a safe place in which financial discussion can occur.

The “rules” for arguing are the same now as they were before “Financial 9/11,” but it’s even more important to put them into action at this point in time. A failure to do so can have an opposite-than-desired affect, and push your partner and family further away from you. When we’re facing difficult circumstances we need the support of those around us – and often these relationships, when maintained properly, can themselves help to reduce our feelings of stress!

How It Can Bring You Closer

Another way to mitigate stress surrounding money in your relationship is to focus on the good things that can come from a personal or national financial downturn. Yes, there are a few good things worth mentioning … things like:

*People are taking time to connect. Whereas before, most people knew how to make money and create some amount of success for themselves, the focus can now be on connecting with your loved ones and family.
*It’s enabled us to focus on simpler things: spending time with family, cooking meals and eating together, watching a movie at home, etc.
*We’re learning that money doesn’t HAVE to buy us happiness – happiness can come from the important relationships and interactions in our life.

There’s no better time than now to put this knowledge into action and focus on how much your relationship means to you.

Most people don’t have a lot of extra money right now. For most of the country, couples and households are worrying about how to pinch pennies, not which hot-off-the-runway item would be best added to their wardrobe. But that doesn’t mean there’s not financial infidelity going on. It’s very stressful to have so much financial pressure put on your relationship and constantly worrying about making ends meet can take its toll.

“Me” Purchases

When you’re craving a “me” purchase, sometimes it seems the easiest thing to do can be to try and hide it. To pay for it in cash you’ve squirreled away, to charge to a credit card or account your significant other doesn’t know about. Making an off-budget purchase that – in different economic times – would be no big deal, can suddenly turn into a trouble spot in your finances and in your relationship.

It’s normal to need to unburden the stresses of always having to think about money, and it’s also perfectly normal to want to be a little self-indulgent from time to time. But we need to learn to do so in a way that doesn’t cause greater stress down the line. These behind-the-back purchases can lead to fights as well as more financial pressure. In this situation, you’re only fueling the problem, not fixing it!

Being Open And Honest About Finances

The first thing to do – before you attempt to make and then hide a purchase – is to discuss your finances with your partner. You may already be doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll need to tweak your budget as you go along when you find things that work and things that don’t. Talk with your partner about the possibility of having even a small discretionary spending budget. This may mean planning for a pedicure date with your girlfriends, or getting even $25-$50 a month for personal expenses like a new t-shirt you’ve been wanting or brunch with a friend. It’s important to connect and draw support from friends and family during tough times, and sometimes that costs money so it’s good to have a game plan for how to deal with that.

Keeping this in mind, you will still have to accept that keeping up appearances can be exhausting. Whether or not your friends and family are in the same economic place that you are, it’s OK to be up front with them. Money is a difficult subject to breach, even among friends, and I’m not suggesting that you air your dirty laundry, but if you have friends who aren’t stretched as thin, they may not think twice before making a lunch date. Instead, you may want to be prepared to suggest more economically-friendly ways to spend time together, like enjoying a picnic in a park, having tea together at your house, etc.

On the flip side, be conscientious of people who may be struggling more than you and take their circumstances into account. While a recession is painful and frustrating, it can be a good time to get back to basics and realize we don’t need the latest trend to come off the runways or an expensive meal to connect with the things and people we care about!

If you’ve accidentally done something your partner is angry about, you may think you should be forgiven automatically, just because your intentions were good—or at least not malicious. Your partner may disagree. Just admitting that you have done something is NOT the same thing as apologizing to your partner for your behavior. And just saying “I’m sorry” may not be enough either. After a long conversation a couple I was working with sorted out the facts about a complicated disagreement. Although they now agreed on the facts, she was still angry with him. They agreed to let me share this conversation because they hope you can learn from their experience.

The Conversation

She: I want an apology! I have valid information, a lot of the time, and I’m angry because you just don’t listen to me! (He says nothing.) She: Do agree with me? He: (woodenly) Yes it’s true. I caused the problem because I didn’t have the information. You did tell me about it ahead of time. I didn’t listen to you. I don’t listen about other things too. I don’t read instructions. I don’t understand what’s going on, and I make mistakes. She: (really angry) You don’t give a rat’s ass about what I’m talking about do you? Me: (to him) Now she is back to telling you about her resentments. It’s because you haven’t apologized. You admitted that you caused the problem, but that’s not the same thing as apologizing. He: I told her that I do it in other situations. It happens over and over again. Me: Do you know what an apology is? He: I thought I told her I made a mistake and that she’s right. Me: You told her about what was going on in your mind. That isn’t an apology. It may be part of an apology. But you’ve left out any thing to do with her feelings about the problem you caused. You’re only talking about yourself. Me: (to her). Isn’t that why you’re still angry? She: Yeah, he never apologizes.

The Conversation Continues

Me: (to him) (He’s looking at the ceiling in exasperation.). Look at me. If this is true for you, repeat it to her. I’m sorry that you felt embarrassed, because of how I acted. If I had listened to what you told me I would have acted differently. I understand why you felt embarrassed by what I did and I’m sorry I put you in that position. (Long pause) He: (thoughtfully and sincerely). I’m sorry about a lot of things about that night. I’m sorry, you wound up feeling so badly because of what I did. I’m really sorry I didn’t listen, because if I had we wouldn’t have had this problem. Me: (to her). How do you feel now? She: I feel good. I’m not angry anymore. Me: (to him) Why was it so difficult for you to decide to actually say those words? He: (after another very long pause) I wanted her to tell me she understood my position — but I didn’t intend to do anything wrong. Me: If you know you’ve caused a problem, you’re more likely to get the acknowledgment you want if you tell her that you know and care about how she feels first. After you have apologized by saying, “I’m sorry about the impact my behavior had on you”, you can just add, “I did it accidentally. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” She: If you did that, I really would be happy to listen to why you did it. Me: (to him). I think you get into trouble with other people too, by refusing to apologize because they haven’t acknowledged your position. Is that right? He: (thoughtfully after a very long pause). How can I remember to apologize first? (He is often thinking when it looks like nothing is happening. He isn’t aware of the effect those long pauses have on other people. I’ll talk about that another time. I think he’s asked an important question.). She: I can help with that. If you don’t apologized to me, I’ll remind you. And you know, it’s really natural for me to want to understand you after you show me that you understand my feelings.

Holding Resentment Won’t Solve Anything

Resentments are signal that this situation isn’t complete. An apology helps complete an incomplete situation. When resentments come up over and over again, as they do with many couples, it often means that a heartfelt apology is needed. A detailed apology must include more than a statement of facts and an admission of wrongdoing. Actually sometimes it doesn’t even need to include either the facts or an admission of guilt. Sometimes you may not agree that you have done anything wrong. Sometimes the law of unintended consequences is operating and your good intentions produced an unexpected problem for your partner. However, even if you’re not sorry for what you did, aren’t you sorry that your partner is unhappy about the results? That’s what you need to apologize for. The core of an apology needs to include proof (to your partner) that you understand and care about how your partner FEELS about what has happened. Once your partner understands that you really care, your apology may be complete. Of course, if the problem is something that keeps happening, that probably won’t be enough. She or he may insist that the apology is meaningless until you change your behavior. Resentments tend to disappear once a complete apology is made and accepted. It’s kind of like scratching an itch in the right place—the itch goes away.

I cannot speak for what happens when men gossip about women. But when it comes to women gossiping about men, I have some experience on that one and have an insight to share that could make a difference in your personal happiness within your romantic relationship – even (or especially) if the romance seems to be waning!

What Gossip Really Does

When women gossip about their men, an energetic field of toxicity is created that, unless an intervention takes place, grows and expands with the ability to infect the romantic relationship of every woman participating in the conversation, even if they are only listening. Even when I overhear other women “bitching” about their men, or read it in print, if no one raises the bar on the level of conversation being had, I walk away irritated with any man who crosses my path!

Certainly, I can take responsibility for raising the bar. As a relationship coach, if I am in on the conversation, I demand of myself that I raise the bar. I raise the bar by inviting the women involved to take responsibility for what they are creating with their men. If I am the one processing my guy with my girlfriend, I do two things. First of all, I am clear about the period of time in which I am processing my feelings. During that time, the bar may be set pretty low as I am reacting to something said or done to me for which I feel like the victim. However, at some point I move into the second thing which is I take responsibility for having created it.

Processing Your Feelings

In addition, I only process my feelings about my guy with one or two close friends who take the same level of responsibility for creating their reality as I do mine. With other women friends, I monitor what I share because I respect the differences in our maturity levels. If I cannot trust a woman to be able to make the transition with me from victim mindset to taking responsibility for creating whatever it is I’m processing, I will not go there with her.

By now, you may have asked yourself why I equate “bitching” with gossiping. It is because whenever we are “bitching” about anything, we are stuck in the position of victim, making the other person totally at fault. It affects our perception and the things we choose to relate about the other person, things not necessarily true or fair. To the degree that the truth is not being shared, we give a representation meant to manipulate the hearer to our point of view, which means we are gossiping.

And therein lays the nugget of what I am talking about! To what extent do you or the women you know complain and rag on their men, putting themselves or each other in the role of victim, refusing to give it up and raise themselves to a more mature and responsible level? How many of your girlfriends do you trust to hang onto you as a friend if you dare suggest that the role of victim might be a role they should release?

Are You Making Yourself A Victim?….

I’m not talking about real victims here – victims of abuse and neglect. I’m talking about being the “victim” of his long working hours, his preoccupation with the sport of his choice, how he insists on relating to the children in his own way, how his belches are no longer cute, how the things you used to love about him now drive you nuts, etc.

For us females, let me make this announcement: men are different when they are courting us. They are more like us when they are courting us. They stop being like us once they have won us. This isn’t an insult. It is simply a reality. The happiest women in marriages and romantic relationships appreciate the differences between men and women and don’t waste time and energy gossiping or bitching about their men.

If you follow the Law of Attraction and draw the conclusion that we create our own reality; then, as a gender, we women have created a world where men are very different from us. Whether or not they are annoyingly different or deliciously different (as long as you are NOT being abused) is just a perception. And you have control over your own perceptions of your world – including how your fellow shows up in it!