Love & Relationships

Be Careful Your Independence Doesn’t Destroy Your Relationship

Andrea and Scott had been seeing each other exclusively for about four months. Andrea was ready to take the relationship to the next level. She wanted to live with Scott but neither of them had enough room in their respective apartments for the other to move in.

Andrea tried to lure the let’s-move-in-together conversation out of Scott to no avail. However, she had gotten him to share with her his dreams of the perfect house and then she went out looking for it!

Finding it, she rented it. Confident that making this house available to the two of them would turn the tide in her favor, Andrea could not wait to tell Scott her good news. The next time she saw him, she made her announcement.

“Scott, wait till you hear, I’ve rented a house! It is wonderful! It has three bedrooms and two baths. It has a charming little patio out back with room for a grill. The appliances are all brand new! Do you want to move in with me? It is exactly the kind of house we’ve talked about. I can have an office, you can have a workout room, and we can each have a bathroom if we want it that way! Um…Scott…what’s wrong?”

Scott quit making eye contact with Andrea. Feeling extremely uncomfortable, he knew that telling her he did not want to move in with her would mean risking a “relationship” conversation, where he would invariably find out his feelings about not wanting to take this step meant he had disappointed her.

He had never encouraged her in this way. He resented finding himself cornered and knew better than to agree to something he did not want at this time.

Finally, he said, “I’m happy for you with your new home. I can help you move, if you like.”

Andrea’s heart sank and her face fell, revealing all her disappointment and embarrassment. She felt rejected and feared the relationship was over.

This scenario and others like it seem to be the norm for romantic relationships these days. When I was growing up in the 1970’s, grade-school girls did not call boys. Boys called girls. If you wanted to hear from your favorite guy, you had to send the right signals while you were at school together and hope for the best.

Girls Chasing Boys is the Norm

Girls who called boys got reputations. By today’s standards that must seem naïve and innocent! These days, girls chasing boys is no big deal. Nevertheless, maybe it ought to be.

In the past thirty-five years, we have raised more daddy’s girls than ever before! We want our young women to be independent, action-oriented, and successful. We want them to be able to take care of themselves because in this uncertain world more women are taking care of not only themselves but also their children and their parents on their own.

Daddy’s girls traditionally have the moxie and personal power to make it in a man’s world. In addition, fathers do not have to be present for daddy’s girls to be created. Out of longing for or even out of resentment of a missing father, a little girl can be so bound to him that she cannot help but grow up her father’s daughter.

If You’re Not Careful, Independence Can Ruin a Relationship

The problem is all that wonderful independence a daddy’s girl carries can wreck a relationship! When it comes to the battle between the sexes, the old proverb, “The more things change, the more they stay the same,” holds true for biological reasons that date back to humanity’s first appearance on this planet.

Men, built and hardwired to protect, defend, chase, and hunt, are most powerful in their position to choose a mate when they are grounded in their masculinity. Women, built and hardwired to connect, bond, protect, receive, and nurture, are most powerful in their position to create a mate when they are grounded in their femininity.

Wait For It!

As frustrating as it would be for Andrea to wait for Scott to make the first move in taking the relationship to the next level, doing so would be far more satisfying than putting him in a position to disappoint her and creating a situation where she fears she has lost the relationship. Besides, grounded feminine energy doesn’t just sit and wait.

A woman grounded in her feminine energy communicates to her man on a regular basis that she respects his thoughts, ideas, feelings, and actions. In this way, his confidence to share new ideas with her grows.

Therefore, when he is ready to pop the question that will take the relationship to the next level, he will not hesitate to ask. In the meantime, the relationship is given time to be tested so that both partners know what they want when it is time to take it to the next phase.

Get Back in Touch With Your Feminine Goddess

A daddy’s girl can be a marvel to behold. Whatever their realm of influence, daddy’s girls get things done. Rather than discourage my fellow daddy’s girls, I encourage us to get back in touch with the deep feminine goddess energy in both our alone time and in our romantic relationships. It will feed us like life giving nectar and improve our romantic lives.

If you are a man with a daddy’s girl in your life, patiently and passionately encourage her to be intentional about slowing down and allowing herself the delight of receiving from you your masculine potency. Whether you express it sexually, through getting chores done, by taking care of something she usually does herself, etc. encourage her to take this option seriously!

When a daddy’s girl starts slowing down, allowing her deep, sexy, feminine energy to bubble to the surface, it can feel nerve wracking. It is worth it to work past how uncomfortable it feels until you get used to it. It is life giving to your soul and will bring joy and happiness to your relationship.

I Think I Moved In With Him Too Soon. What Should I Do?

By loveandsex

It happens to a lot of people. You take that big plunge and move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend only to find out later that you might have moved in with them too soon, before really letting your relationship grow.

What do you do? How do you turn back time?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi. I haven’t been with my boyfriend for very long (less than 1 year) and I moved in with him at the beginning of this year. I feel I moved in way too soon. I think it’s just not right for me and I would like to break up with him. It’s harder to do though because I live in his house. Any ideas on how to break up with him and how I should do it and what to do about my living situation?

–Jessica, Maryland

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8af1VRFEg4[/youtube]

Moving Out Or Breaking Up?

Okay, so you’re ready to move out. That much is clear. But are you ready to break up? You might have thought the two go hand in hand since you made this big step forward, but that is not necessarily true. Sit down and think about what you really want.

Do you want to continue to have a romantic relationship with your partner, or would you like to part as friends? Do you simply want to go back to the way it was before you moved in with them? Those are all very valid wants and you should definitely try to express those to your partner. Be honest with them about what you want to see happen and why.

Give them a chance to vent their feelings as well. The most important thing is to take a deep breath and relax. Sometimes you have to try something to figure out it won’t work!

Being Financially Sound

Before you talk to your partner about your living arrangements, it’s important that you get an alternative living arrangement set up for yourself on the off chance that your partner becomes angry or hostile and asks that you leave immediately.

You might need to go apartment hunting on your own, however, if you and your partner are both living in an apartment or house that you would not be able to afford were it not for the other’s contribution, it’s important that you are up front and honest with them from the beginning so they have the opportunity to find alternative living arrangements as well.

Taking these steps might seem scary, especially if you’re financially dependent on your partner, but think about what you were doing before you moved in with them.

Going Back to the Beginning

Whether you were living on your own or living with a friend or family member, that might be your easiest option.

Going back to the way things were before you moved in with your partner might be something you do quite literally! If that is not an option, it’s time to get yourself on your feet and financially sound enough that you can get your own place and have your own transportation.

Take whatever steps you need to so you can ensure you’re able to live on your own when you move out from your partner.

You might be having some emotional issues as well, especially considering that you just moved in with your partner and you’re regretting your decision. Take a moment to really think about what led you to that decision.

You’ll probably find that you still wouldn’t do things differently! Not everything works out the way you think it will and often you have to find that out after you try it. It’s not a fun situation to be in, but if you are open and honest with your partner about your feelings, you might end up being able to continue dating or stay friends.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

By chickinheels

Recently a good friend of mine asked my opinion on how he could break up with his current squeeze without looking like a total sleezeball. Or… how to break up amicably. It was a bit of a stumbling block for me. I have done a lot of thinking about this one lately – and here was my heartfelt advice.

Do Amicable Breakups Exist?

First off, I think ending a relationship in a completely amicable way means that BOTH parties would have to agree that they could see the end coming. That things just didn’t get along anymore, that it wasn`t a SURPRISE to anyone. And, of course, that they still had positive feelings and thoughts towards one another. To the best of my knowledge, most relationships do not end as ideally as that – if you are able to achieve this phenomenon, then pat yourself on the back. I think it`s a rarity.

So, my advice to my man friend was to attempt to “gently” create situations where his “soon to be ex” could potentially foresee the breakup as a possibility. I suggested he not spend as much time with her and DEFINITELY stop sleeping with her.

If you are still spending time together and still being intimate, how could anyone see a breakup in the making? In other words, if your heart is not in it anymore, don’t continue on as if it was. This is all a precursor to having THE talk — to laying it all out on the line. I for one, would rather see the hazard signs before the finality hit me in the face.

Being Honest Without Causing Pain

Obviously it`s best to be as honest as you can regarding your desire to move on but the key is to do it with by causing as little hurt as possible. For example, if you find you are interested in someone new, be gentle and avoid that topic. Some people are better off if you say less. Others look for reasoning or closure and want to know WHY. It is okay to be real here and say that you just don’t FEEL what you once did and that your heart just isn’t in it any longer.

Of course, no one wants to hear these things but if they are the truth and you are pressed to explain, hopefully this makes this clearer. I believe that everyone deserves to be with the BEST person for them. If your heart isn’t in a relationship any longer then you are not doing your partner any favours by hanging around for their sake.

In fact, being in a situation where you aren’t truly “present” with that person is not fair to anyone. It may help to explain that you know they deserve more then you are willing to give in a relationship. Enhance the positive but be clear enough to state that things are done in your heart of hearts. Once that conversation starts, be prepared to see it through – delaying the inevitable is painful for all involved.

What To Say And What Not To Say

Although you don’t necessarily need to give all of the nitty gritty details regarding your desire to end a relationship – it’s best to stay as truthful as possible without unnecessarily hurting feelings. Don’t say that you are not interested in being tied down if THAT’S not the problem. If the problem is that your feelings have changed or that you don’t feel this is the right relationship at the right time for you, that is legitimate.

Aim high and leave that conversation knowing you gave your best effort to be kind, fair and clear. Think about how you would want to be respected during a break up and what you would want before you break things off with your partner. Even if you are in the midst of an argument and things are heated, it is ALWAYS best to have a mature, breakup conversation with a clear head which will promote decency all around.

These suggestions can help you to think about how to go about handling a break up. No one can predict your partner’s reaction, but if you keep a cool head and know what you want and need to say, focusing on that will definitely help. I would hope, anyone going ahead with a break up is MORE than sure, because it’s not something you want to have to experience more than once per relationship.

Obviously if there is a marriage, living situation or children involved there are a lot more aspects to consider. Truth be told however, if your heart isn’t in it – then no one benefits. Break ups occur when there are no longer ways to resolve the issues. Moving on can be difficult, intimidating, scary and no one wants to hurt anyone else’s feelings, but it’s important to look at the picture in the long run instead of the here and now.

Be certain, be gentle, and be clear. Give the person time to absorb everything and maybe, just maybe they will come to see in time, it was the right decision for everyone.

Power is the Ultimate Drug – The Relationship Between Power, Money and Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

One thing the financial crisis has shown us – now more than ever before – is that power is closely tied to money. Bernard Madoff is a good example. He saw a weakness in the system and took advantage of people and companies – to the tune of around $50 billion. Madoff’s downfall – and others like him – help show that now – more than ever – it’s important to be financially accountable.

Being Open And Honest About Finances With Your Partner

You may not have access to other people’s money, you may not be able to play the stock market against the odds. In fact, you may be on the other side of the fence along with most Americans: cutting back and trying to avoid a financial catastrophe of a different kind. But in both of these situations, being honest with your partner about your finances is crucial.

I suggest using the techniques I put forth in my book, Financial Infidelity, to figure out what factors influence how you think about – and talk about – money. I call this your MoneyGram – it’s your “financial makeup” if you will. Delving into your familial financial history can be enlightening to both yourself and your partner and can help you discover money behaviors and relationship dynamics within your family. This analysis will allow you to predict, prevent, overcome and solve money behaviors you face now – and in the future, including a dislike for discussing money.

How You View Your Money

As I mention in my book, Financial Infidelity, the dynamic of viewing money as a game of power in a relationship can have a significant impact on a couple’s shared finances. When faced with a crisis, risk takers, who generally take a “don’t worry, don’t plan” approach to money management, may make rash decisions that result in emotional and financial catastrophes for them and/or their partners. This can be especially problematic in this economic climate, where markets, accounts and careers are already primed for financial catastrophes anyway! It is crucial during these times of extreme crisis and/or risk that decisions be well though through, discussed openly, and ANYTHING but rash!

In order to successfully navigate the power struggles that occur around money, it is important to know how comfortable both you and you partner are with financial risk. It is also important to consider your relationship’s power dynamic and your personal relationship to money and power. Acknowledging these different perspectives can help you to understand where your partner is coming from when you find that you are locked in a power struggle about money.

Recognizing your financial past (your money gram) and understanding eachothers’ risk-taking tendencies can help mitigate personal financial struggles.

The Key To Loving A Powerful Woman

By sarahelizabethmalinak

I watched Nicole Kidman, who played a powerful, live-by-her-own-rules kind of woman, make love to Hugh Jackman, who played a powerful, live-by-his-own-rules kind of man, in the movie Australia. Relationships like that are not supposed to work. In this film, these two powerful people in love were convincing.

Of course, their relationship met hurtles due to all that power multiplied by two. They eventually locked horns on an important issue and seemed unable to reconcile. However, love won out in the end with both of them giving a little. Creating a win-win situation, neither of them had to give up who he or she was to save the romance.

Then I read about Amy Adams, an exciting, powerful actress who is on a roll these days winning memorable and award-nominating roles. She has been in a romantic relationship for six years to an actor who hasn’t had the same measure of success. They recently became engaged.

In an article from Vanity Fair (November 2008), Amy is quoted as saying, “He’s not competitive with me… He has a wonderful talent, and there aren’t many people in the world who are like that, where he does not think that my success is his failure. He just doesn’t see it like that, and I don’t either.”

The Keys to Loving a Powerful Woman

Contemplating these two powerful women, one from fiction and one from real life, I realized some essential pieces to loving a powerful woman. Love her for her strengths. Love her for the vulnerable side that only you are privileged to see. Refrain from interpreting her success as your failure. If you master these three things, you can create love for a lifetime with the woman of your dreams!

Loving Her For Her Strengths

When you love a woman for her strengths, you love her for the things that attracted you in the first place. One of the sexiest aspects of any person in the world is confidence! A woman’s strengths are some of what give her the confidence that caught your eye the first time you noticed her.

As her man, you are privileged to witness a side of her that no one else sees, not even her best girlfriends. Women long to be understood and known by their men. At the risk of sounding like a line from an all-time-favorite chick flick, no one can “complete” a woman like the man who loves her for who she is.

Her desire is to reward him by letting her guard down, allowing him to be with her in a way no one else is. Even something as simple as your eyes being the rare pair that sees her without make-up and without perfect hair means you share an intimacy unique to the two of you.

The Price You Pay

There is a price to mastering this one, however, and that is the extent to which you are asked to listen to her. There may be times when you invite her, politely and with warmth and affection, to quit talking so that you can share her intimate space without the words creating a distance between you.

As much as women want their men to know them and seeing how that involves a lot of verbal sharing, sometimes they need to be reminded that the pathway to your heart doesn’t happen between your ears! It happens in a more visceral, sharing personal space way. Reassure her that you want to hear it all.

Perhaps hearing some now and more a little later would be good. If you invite her to stop talking in order to get physically closer, let her finish her thought or that particular story anyway!

The more power a woman carries out in the world, the more challenged she might be to release it in order to be soft and receptive with you. This is a place where your leadership can shine.

Is Her Success Your Failure?

Finally, whether or not you perceive her success to be your failure is pretty much up to you. If your woman is in the habit of using her success to make you feel patronized, you may already be determining whether or not the relationship will continue. If you are in this situation, she may have good intentions without realizing how she communicates condescension.

In that case, she may be worth hanging onto while you take leadership and help her distinguish when her words and behavior are empowering and when they are disempowering. If she is mean spirited, though, I hope you will love yourself enough to communicate honestly with her and consider letting the relationship go.

Making Your Own Successes

However, if she doesn’t use her success to put you down, then whether or not it does is up to you. You may have friends who tease you about her success or who envy you for it. Sometimes it may be hard to tell the difference between the two. Men, who have had successful relationships with powerful women, have work or a career that is their own.

The first such man that comes to mind is Carl Dean, husband to Dolly Parton. She has said that one of the reasons their relationship has lasted so long and has been so rewarding is because they have their own interests. Carl not only has his own interests, he owns his own business. They’ve been happily married for forty-two years.

Successful, powerful women can be complex creatures yet beautiful to behold and an unending mystery to unfurl. They want to be loved as much as anyone.

If you’re lucky enough to have fallen in love with one, love her for her strengths, appreciate the vulnerability she only allows you to witness, and trust your own power and success rather than interpreting hers as your failure.