“Wait, before we take another breath, before we’ve lived another moment of our lives, and now is fast becoming then. Wait, before you take your lips from mine, how quickly where we are is where we’ve been and give is given.”

~ Alan & Marilyn Bergman

Remember That Falling In Love Feeling?

Do you remember what it felt like when you fell in love for the very first time with someone who loved you back?  Every word, every glance, and every touch filled the air between the two of you with such meaning.

Little confessions and secrets shared made you feel naked and vulnerable long before any clothes came off!  There was no frame of reference for the experience of falling in love for the very first time!  It meant every moment together was infused with the raw energy of newness and loss of innocence.  It was intoxicating!

Innocence lost is never recovered.  We measure every subsequent relationship by the relationships that came before it.  You watch his or her behavior and choices as closely as you watch your own; looking for clues and hoping this time, it will be different.  Maybe this time it will last.  If you aren’t careful, the fear of repeating the past becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Heighten the Chemistry

In your current relationship, though, there is a way to heighten the chemistry between you; making this love, which has never been experienced or expressed before, full of meaning, purpose, and delight.  Begin by turning off the multi-tasking and teach yourself to be present in the present moment.

Many things demand our attention, taking us out of the present moment.  There is the ever-lengthening “To Do” list.  There are deadlines at work, school, and at home.  There are relationship issues with any number of people in our lives.

There are health issues tied to food, sleep, rest, and medications.  There is study that needs to happen, entertainment, and fun too.  There are so many demands on individuals and couples today that multi-tasking is as essential to living as anything we learned in school!

How do you slow down and be present with your romantic partner when there are so many demands on your time and attention?  By making the commitment to choose, on a regular basis, to stop thinking, turn your attention to him or her, and then listen and feel where he or she is coming from.

Being Present

Study his face as he shares a story or concern.  Admire the self-conscious grin that crosses his face when he boasts.  Watch his eyes change focus as he considers what he is sharing and how his expression changes when he’s ready for your feedback.

Get close to him and breathe in his scent, remembering what it was like when his scent was new to you.  Reach out and gently trace his face with your fingertips.  Without saying a word, admire him the way you did when you first met.  It will give your eyes a “come hither” look that will he will surely notice.

Get close to her when she is in the middle of a routine task like washing the dishes or reading.  Touch her somehow.  If she is at the sink, come up behind her and nuzzle her neck.  If she’s reading, rub her shoulders.  Give her a reason to stop for even a moment to let you nurture her.

Smell her hair and complement the scent of her shampoo or perfume.  Run your fingers down her arm or back and appreciate the fact that this woman is yours and that she opens her body and soul to you.

Building Intimacy

Any amount of being present can lead to sex, that is certain!  But not always.  Being present can become a way of building intimacy and checking in using few words.  Ceasing your own internal chatter and really taking in your partner whether he or she is sharing something or doing something or even sleeping is honoring.

Things like building intimacy and honoring one another heightens the chemistry, the energy, between you.  It is a delicious way to attend to yourselves as a couple without requiring the “hard work of making a relationship work.”

Enhancing your relationship can be delicious, fun, and sexy!  You can become more appealing to each other as time passes.  Being present for no other reason than that you love and honor this person fuels the delicious, sexy fun of heightening the chemistry between you!

Mama’s boys get a bad rap. Did you know, though, whenever you find a mama’s boy in a romantic relationship, you find a daddy’s girl as his partner?

These two can make their passionate love work in spite of the odds!

The picture of the traditional mama’s boy isn’t pretty!  Imagine a soft male without much backbone who still answers to his mama whether he is twenty, thirty, or even older and there is the picture we find distasteful.

Real Life Mama’s Boys

That is the caricature. In real life, mama’s boys come in all shapes and sizes!  A man who is charming and suave can turn out to be a mama’s boy.  One who is domineering, bullying, and macho can also be a mama’s boy.

Another who is confident and a little on the dismissive side can be a mama’s boy.  How does a woman know if her man is a mama’s boy or not?  She knows by how he makes her feel, particularly once they move out of the courting phase and into a level of commitment.

Where He Gets His Power

Beginning with his mother, a mama’s boy believes he gets his power from the women in his life.  He either pushes against or pulls on them to get a sense of his own power and worth.  A woman can recognize the feeling of either being pulled on or pushed against. It doesn’t feel good.

When children are born, the parent whose sphere of influence they first occupy is that of their mother. Both little girls and little boys venture out into the sphere of influence of their fathers as time goes on.

How a Mama’s Boy Gets to be a Mama’s Boy

There is one thing that creates a mama’s boy.  If in his early teen years, he did not receive an invitation to enter fully into his father’s sphere of influence; or,if that invitation was thwarted and he remains in the sphere of influence of his mother, then he will be a mama’s boy.

The invitation to the father’s masculine sphere of influence is lacking when a father is physically or emotionally absent or if he isn’t strong enough to compete with the mother’s sphere of influence.

When a man doesn’t get to enter fully into the sphere of influence of his father (also known as the masculine sphere), he doesn’t learn how to ground himself in his own masculinity, deriving his power and potency from that place.

Instead, he grows up believing that the women in his life, beginning with his mother, hold the key to his masculinity, his power, and his potency.

Daddy’s Girls Are Similar

Daddy’s girls have a similar experience growing up.  When they are young, daddy’s girls wander from their mothers’ sphere of influence into their father’s sphere of influence, never to return!

Perhaps a girl’s mother was emotionally or physically absent and so she tried to take her mother’s place.  Alternatively, her father could have been emotionally or physically absent and she tried to take his place,being the little man in mom’s life! Either way, she missed the invitation to the feminine sphere of influence that only her mother could extend.

When a woman doesn’t get to enter fully into the sphere of influence of her mother (also known as the feminine sphere), she doesn’t learn how to ground herself in her own femininity, deriving fulfillment from within herself.

She seeks fulfillment outside herself through taking care of the men in her life.  That can look like supportive and nurturing behaviors and words or challenging, even bullying behaviors and words.

If You Are a Mama’s Boy or a Daddy’s Girl

So, what do you do if you recognize yourself as a mama’s boy or daddy’s girl and recognize your romantic partner as the other?  If you can work at this together, that is excellent!  However, you can make progress if only one of you is challenging his or her own mama’s boy or daddy’s girl tendencies.

Begin by observing yourself. How do you push against or pull on her to get a sense that you are doing okay as a man?  What are the ways you take care of him as though he is a little boy instead of a grown man?

Observe the ways you do and say things that put you in a power struggle.  Then, look to yourself and begin to make changes (without pointing the finger at your partner).

I am a daddy’s girl. My husband is a self-professed mama’s boy.  One time he could not get the electronic garage door to close when we were on our way out on a date.  Even though I did not know one thing more about how to get that door to work than he did, everything inside me wanted to jump out of that car and take over!

Don’t Do It!

I knew better than to do that!  If I wanted the date to continue with me happily in the feminine sphere, I needed to let him handle the door.  I sat on my hands and looked away to keep me from taking over.  It worked!  He got it fixed, we went on our date, and it was great!

For a while, Joseph picked up the habit of saying, “Help me remember…”  He says it a lot.  He has observed that this is a mama’s boy thing.  More than just being a way to make his own mental note about something, it does rather treat me like a personal assistant instead of as his lover!

Now, he catches himself before he says it, laughs at himself, and the energy switches to it being just his way of making a mental note to himself.

We got to this sweet place of self-correction of the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl nuances by beginning with self-correction.  We focus on our own selves, we sit in the discomfort of choosing new, unfamiliar, healthier behaviors and words, and we reap the benefits of a powerful man grounded in his masculinity and a powerful woman grounded in her femininity.  It works!  Try it!

Every couple fights. It’s a fact of life! Arguing in a relationship helps to vent feelings and can even be healthy for a relationship.

Unfortunately, not everyone fights fair. Lots of couples will start arguments with each other when it’s not even necessary and while the occasional fight is normal and healthy, fighting all the time can take a toll on your relationship.

How can you avoid a fight when you’re really just trying to have a discussion?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My partner and I fight a lot. Sometimes it gets really out of hand and we both end up feeling really bad afterwards, especially if the fight was over something stupid. How can I learn to fight fair?

–Cathie, Missouri

Don’t Go On The Attack

Both men and women in a relationship will often go on the attack when they’re upset about something. It’s common for someone to place blame on their partner when they’re upset, especially if their partner did something that really bothered them. Unfortunately, going on the attack like this and placing blame on your partner is usually what starts a fight.

Even if you’re trying to discuss something with your partner, if you place blame at all, your partner is automatically going to go on the defensive. They will counter by placing blame on you, escalating to the argument until it is beyond the point of return.

You can avoid this if you approach your partner about the situation without blame and simply tell them how you feel or how something that happened made you feel.

Instead of saying something like, “I can’t believe you did this,” you can say, “When you did this, it made me feel . . . . ” Instead of placing blame and fault on your partner for doing something, giving them a chance to really understand how you feel.

This keeps a discussion a discussion instead of an argument or fight.

Own Up To The Feelings Behind The Anger

When you become angry at someone or something, chances are, your anger was only a secondary emotion. You likely felt hurt or scared first. Realizing this can help you to better communicate your feelings to your partner. Since anger has such a negative connotation behind it, even telling your partner that you feel angry can make your partner automatically become defensive.

If something he did made you angry, realize that it first might have made you feel frustrated, hurt or scared. Be open and honest with your partner and let your partner know what something they did or said really made you feel.

Recognizing your true feelings about something your partner did or said that upset you and expressing them to your partner without placing fault or blame can help to avoid starting a fight or argument.It won’t cause them to immediately become defensive and it will help put them in a position in which they can begin to understand how you felt when they did or said something.

While you can’t control your partner’s actions and how they’ll express their feelings about the situation, by remaining calm and avoiding becoming defensive, you can at least do your part not to help a fight or argument escalate.

While arguments in a relationship are healthy, it’s important to argue without being critical or hurtful. If you find yourself hitting below the belt, it’s time to adopt a more positive way of expressing your feelings to your partner!