Love & Relationships

The Psychology of Overspending

I talked recently about the psychology of money and it’s mental, and very real, implication in our daily lives. In light of the recession and economic woes many are facing, I’d like to take that one step further and talk about the psychology of money problems.

The Sex and Money Study

The original study connects money and sex and shows that when young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to take a bigger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary.

Perhaps not-so-surprisingly, the arousing pictures lit up the same part of the brain that also lit up when financial risks are taken. The study focused on the sex and money “hub” of the brain, which is near the base of the brain and plays a central role in what you consider to be pleasurable.

How Money Affects the Sex Hub of the Brain

The flip side is also true and it’s likely you don’t need a study to tell you that financial hardship can adversely affect the sex “hub” of the brain, and make for some rough going in your relationship. Money takes an emotional toll on individuals and couples when there’s not enough to go around, or not as much as you’re used to having.

Ironically it seems that people are much more willing to discuss sex and relationships than they are to discuss finances, but having a financial conversation is just as important. Circumventing this discussion can lead one or both people to act out and commit Financial Infidelity.

When Financial Infidelity Occurs

This type of infidelity often occurs when one person is looking for that emotional high and begins engaging in thrill seeking behavior like overspending, buying big ticket items behind their partners’ back, etc. Basically, doing something that feels good in the moment but has harmful repercussions later.

Of course it tends to be a fact of life that emotions get tangled up in money. Look no further than recent recession/stock market news: in spite of the fact that most people KNEW there was a down turn in the economy, the stock market still plunged on the news of the recession.

But this emotional connection doesn’t mean finances, whether things are going well or poorly, have to be a negative aspect of your relationship.

Obviously honesty is important, and it’s VERY important to be honest and not let the stresses, problems and temptations in your relationship get to the point of an infidelity! Learning how to talk through things you face, both as an individual and a couple, can be crucial to building a strong relationship.

What Stories Are You Telling Yourself About Your Partner?

By sarahelizabethmalinak

A habit anyone can fall into that causes relationship stress is believing the stories we make up about our romantic partners.

People can get tied up in knots inside because they believe the person they love the most is untrustworthy, controlling, dismissive, bossy, or any number of other things that have less to do with their partner’s reality than with their perception of the partner.

If we share those made up stories with our friends, we can get some serious confirmation that the relationship is about to fail! However, that confirmation is based on fantasy, not reality!

Stories Turned Into Fantasy

The stories we make up about our romantic partners may begin with a modicum of truth. However, as give meaning to the stories, we hurt the relationship and ourselves unnecessarily. Here are some examples of stories turned into fantasies.

“He still cares for his ex. They have children together. I can never compete with her.”

With this story, every time he feels he has to make a choice between you and the children, you can interpret this normal circumstance that shows up in blended families to mean he still loves his ex and would rather be with her so why doesn’t he just go do it!

Next thing you know, your blood pressure rises and you are feeling anger and jealousy that are more than the situation calls for!

“She flirts with my friends. I wonder if she will cheat on me. Maybe she is cheating on me. I don’t like the way she looks at Tim or the way he looks at her. She wouldn’t cheat on me, would she? But, damn, she’s a flirt!”

Here, you tune your antennae to every move she makes, waiting for her to break your heart. The distrust that builds up is a sabotaging energy that is more likely to make it happen than her flirtatious personality.

“He/she hates it when I …fill in the blank.” Does she really hate it? Does he? It is easy to project onto other people either the things we do not like about ourselves or the things that we have been told are our defects. Maybe the noise you make when you chew your food doesn’t bother her.

However, if you shrink up and apologize every time you become self-conscious about it because your last girl friend hated it, you have repeated moments of you appearing insecure to the woman you want to impress the most.

“He fantasizes about other women when he’s making love to me.” This one is a relationship killer! Unless he has been rude and actually told you he fantasizes about somebody else, let this one go.

This is something insecure or inexperienced lovers latch onto in order to stroke their insecurity. That kind of insecurity will look for ways and means to sabotage the relationship. Why?

Perhaps so they can feel as though they are at least in control of how the relationship ends. Maybe their self-esteem is so low that they cannot help but create challenges to their self-esteem rather than learn to grow healthier self-esteem.

Choose a Better Interpretation

All of these stories are opportunities to practice the discipline of choosing a better interpretation of your spouse or romantic partner! You can make the choice to interpret his or her behavior and words a different way.

The first time you try it you might feel naïve. However, if choosing a better interpretation turns out to be the wrong thing to have done, then you have tested the relationship and gathered important information. If choosing a better interpretation turns out to be the right thing to have done, your relationship just improved with the simplicity of a thought.

Carryovers From Past Relationships

The stories we create about our romantic partners come from past relationships. They come from the most recent romance you had as well as the first one you had when you were a kid! They come from how Aunt Betty made fun of you or how Uncle John was inappropriate.

They come from how you interpreted your parents’ messages throughout your childhood. They come from how your siblings and schoolmates treated you. They come from every person who had an effect on your self-esteem.

Doesn’t Your Partner Deserve Better?

The person you share your bed with, your life with, deserves better than to be interpreted through that many people, especially the ones who did not have your best interest in mind when they teased or disrespected you. You deserve to grow your self-esteem to such a healthy level that you no longer sabotage your relationship with made up stories.

Replace Them With Something Positive

Try it! Take the stories you make up about your lover and shush them. Then replace them with something positive. For instance:

“He loves his children. That’s why he sometimes feels torn between us. He loves me. That’s why he sometimes feels torn between us. How can I help him not feel torn so we can get back to that loving feeling?”

“She is such a flirt. That’s why I fell in love with her in the first place. But look at how she looks at me. No matter how anyone else flatters her, she only looks at me that way.”

“I think she hates it when I do that. But she hasn’t said anything about it. I’ll just wait and see. Maybe she loves me so much she thinks it’s cute!”

“He closes his eyes when we make love. Next time, I’m going to be on top. I’m going to take it slow and try gently blowing air across his eyelids. Maybe he’ll open them and I’ll smile at him and show him how turned on he makes me. That might encourage him. I may need to talk to him about how his not looking at me makes me feel insecure someday. In the meantime, how can I be creative and playful about this?”

If a positive interpretation tests the relationship, then that is information you need anyway. If it improves your relationship, what else is there to say?

Thinking of Proposing? You’d Better Think About More Than The Ring!

By melody

A man in Fairfield, Connecticut bought his bride-to-be a $25,000 engagement ring. This is not a news flash here; I suppose there are lots of well-to-do men buying their (hopefully) future wives and soul mates extravagant rings. The thing is; this particular bride-to-be didn’t want to marry the guy after being engaged for a while.

I have no idea what the laws are in Texas about this, but in Connecticut, apparently, you have to return the ring if you decide not to marry. But of course, if you do marry, the ring is yours to keep. Hmm, maybe in some states there is a statute of limitations on that, say if you are only married a year or less you have to give it back. I don’t really know.

I do know that the divorce rate in this country is at 36% (2008 US Census Report) currently and that the average first marriage lasts only 8 years! In 1964, marriages lasted, on average 34 years. The whole concept of a “Starter Marriage” has erupted only in the past ten years.

This is not a rant against getting married. I am all for it, in fact I have done it three times. I like the idea of being in a complete partnership with the person I love. Problem is most of us don’t have a clue how to do it and would rather spend (or have spent on our behalf) $25,000 on an engagement ring than to spend a dime on how to make the relationship work.

Divorce or Work It Out?

Whether you are married or just in a committed relationship you will understand what I mean. Intimacy is difficult and a marriage partnership is even harder. Most of us have come from “broken homes” ourselves (about 5,000 kids a year are affected by divorce). So how in the world are we to know how to have a committed, intimate connection?

Most of us try to wing it and listen to love songs and romance movies and think we can make it. We hope we are different from our parents and others we know. We watch our friends suffer through divorce and blame it on either a bad choice or bad luck. We hope we will be different.

Fantastical Impracticality

What other project in our lives do we take on with such fantastical impracticality? Most of know we have to be educated to be successful at tasks we expect to succeed at, yet in the most important area of our lives we are searching the internet for ideas on how to enhance our marriage and have never spent an hour with professionals.

Now, I am not promoting the idea of therapy for everyone since its not practical for some of us. Not having enough money for it is one thing. Not having the ability to determine how to find someone qualified is another. My husband had a series of traumatic experiences with therapists.

But, just like there are differences in the quality of education you get as a professional in any field, the advice you get for your relationship can vary dramatically even if you get it from professionals.

The internet abounds with tips on sex, intimacy, romance and promises to “keep your man” or “prevent a divorce”. Some of them may be very practical and helpful.

What to Look For When Getting Advice

Whatever you choose to do it is important that you look for a number of things before you jump in and take the wrong advice:

What are the qualifications of the person? This can take the form of their own experience (been together and worked through their problems together, divorced and remarried having learned some things along the way, are a professional with valid credentials, etc.)
Do you know anyone who has tried their suggestions? Get some testimonials!
Intimacy cannot be achieved with a quick fix and don’t believe any promises to the contrary.
Don’t expect that just because it worked for someone else it will absolutely work for you, you and your circumstances are different.
Don’t give up just because it appears to be hard work; anything worth having takes hard work to achieve.
Do you have problems letting someone close and you know it, yet keep trying to make it work? Work on your own issues first. You don’t have to be “fixed” but you do need to have the ability to let some one in at least to some degree!

Basically it comes down to this; educating yourself about how to make your relationship work long term (if that is what you want) is more important than spending $25,000 on an engagement ring, on a wedding, on a wedding gown or a on a fancy honeymoon. All of that is romantic and fun but if the marriage doesn’t last it will be bittersweet in the end.

You Said What?! Seven Things You Should Never Say To A Woman

By sarahelizabethmalinak

When people teach the Law of Attraction, they explain that what you put your attention on increases. In an effort to explore why bad things happen, they teach that worrying about negative things can actually attract them to you.

Worry Is Natural

Because worry is a natural response to living, compulsive personality types can find this concept quite challenging. Suddenly one is worrying about worrying for fear of attracting something bad.

One day I heard my favorite Law of Attraction teacher explain something that completely calmed me on this issue. If someone hands you a tall glass of cold milk and you think to yourself, “Don’t spill the milk,” you will not spill the milk. When you want to avoid something, as long as you are thoughtful and do not zone out, you can accomplish avoiding it rather than attracting it.

So following is a list of things you should never say to a woman. I trust that our looking at what not to say will not result in the very thing we are trying to avoid!

These statements to avoid saying can feel perfectly innocent, even complimentary in the moment. However, uttering them can create a cold chill in the room that may take lots of work to heat back up.

“Golly! You’ve got quite the appetite!” Among men, a healthy appetite is evidence of health, well being, and enjoying each other’s company. Verbalizing the observation of a woman’s healthy appetite can make her feel like a glutton.

“You’re looking really good for your age!” Whereas one woman could make this observation to another (maybe, under ideal circumstances between the best of friends), a man making it is like pouring cold water on the person he wants to impress the most.

“My mom did it this way.” Whether you compare her to your mother favorably or unfavorably, your woman doesn’t want to remind you of your mother! Even when she sometimes mothers you, she doesn’t want to remind you of HER!

“That was delicious – just like my ex used to make.” Letting her know she really satisfied your appetite should end at she satisfied your appetite! No comparisons to the ex, ever!

“Your mom is sexy!” Now, a woman might appreciate admiring her own mother, realizing that her mom really does look great for her age and so she too stands a good chance of still being sexy herself twenty-five years from now. But hearing you admire her mom this way will just make her feel “icky” and diminished in comparison!

You Said What?!

“Can we keep the lights off?” She will instantly interpret this one to mean you do not find her attractive and would rather fantasize about someone else while you are with her. If that is true, it would be best to end the relationship and free you both to find better love elsewhere. If it is a result of your own self-consciousness then request low lighting. She will interpret that as romantic and you will be her hero!
“No, Sandy, that’s not what I meant,” when Sandy is your ex’s name! No one does this consciously! When it happens, it is an accident. Your best bet is to apologize immediately and ask her how you can make up for it. Lavishing her with reassurance ought to disarm her. Especially if it never happens again!

Natural Differences Between the Sexes

When men and women say things to each other they ought never to say, it’s rarely intentional. Usually, it is a result of the natural differences between the sexes. It often occurs because a woman is talking to her man like he’s her girlfriend or because a man is talking to his woman like she’s one of the guys.

A really awesome, cool, magnificent way to insure peace, harmony, and hotness between a man and a woman is if each can put him or herself in the other’s shoes without feeling a loss of self.

To consider the other’s viewpoint from within the other’s male or female chemistry, physiology, and mentality without judgment can open the imagination to numerous ways of communicating, “I love you,” or, “I’m interested in you,” or, “I think you hung the moon,” or, “I honor and respect you,” etc. with or without words!

You do not have to get lost in the other’s shoes. Wear them for a short time, even for just a moment, for a shift in perspective that can make you number one on his or her list of favorite people of all time!

Happy Hallmark Day!

By david

Before all the women reading this blog get their panties in a knot thinking I am anti-Valentine’s Day by saying “Happy Hallmark Day,” let me make one thing clear . . . you’re 100% correct! I am anti-Valentine’s Day.

What’s So Special About February 14th?

I for one believe that you don’t need a special day in the middle of February (or a little past the middle with there being 29 days in February this year) to celebrate your relationship and your love . . . or to give that microchip-sized diamond pendant from Kay Jewelers. Half of you are still paying off the bills you incurred at Christmas telling your sweetheart you love them.

I personally think that Valentine’s Day should be moved to April 14th – the day before tax day. Think about the headline: “Stressed out having to send the government $20,000.00 tomorrow? Celebrate today by going to Kay Jewelers and buying a microchip-sized diamond pendant!”

Not only that, I can already see the marketing campaign. Somehow Kay Jewelers and the IRS will get together and write it off. “If you buy the microchip pendant now, you can write it off on your 2007 tax return.” I know no one is going to pass that law, though, so let’s get back to my love of Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day — Old School Style

Do you know when I loved Valentine’s Day? I loved it when I was a kid and I got to go to school with my box of Valentine’s cards to give to everyone. You know the ones I’m talking about – the ones where the whole box costs about $2.00 and contains little cards that say “Be My Valentine” coming out of Snoopy’s mouth.

You also got to hand out those disgusting heart-shaped candies that tasted like fourteen year old Tums. You remember those, right? The ones where you give them to someone, and as they eat them dust comes out of their mouth when they tell you “At least I won’t have heartburn this Valentine’s Day!” Tums really should start to put slogans on their little chalky tablets that say things like “Be Acid Free,” I like No Acid,” “Care To Swap Some Stomach Acid?” or “My Heartburn Burns For You!”

Those chalky colored heart candies had sayings on them like “Melt My Heart,” Puppy Love,” “Kiss Me,” “Sweet Talk” and the classic “Get My Drift.” I remember they made a special one based on an episode of “Happy Days” where the Fonz handed ones out that said (misspelled) “You’re the ginchiest.”

While those candies haven’t gotten any better tasting over the years, at least some people have gotten a little more creative with the sayings on them. Why not check out some more … interesting sentiments to say to your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day?

Anyway, it was really fun to go into your classroom and give out 50 valentines and bags of bad candy. That was a fun Valentine’s time.

Now what do we do on Valentine’s Day? You have to make reservations at a restaurant where they double the price of same food they serve every other day. Even McDonald’s bumps up the price (and the cholesterol count) for Valentine’s Day.

A Funny Valentine’s Story

Since we’re taking a trip down memory lane, let me tell you about one of my favorite Valentine’s Days. It was the year I opened my bar in New York City, and I was broke. Let me tell you . . . opening a bar on 28th? I had no right to do that.

So it was Valentine’s Day, I only had a few bucks, and I had to get my then girlfriend a Valentine’s gift. So I’m walking down the street and see a guy selling stuffed animal bears out of a garbage bag. I asked him how much they were, and he said a couple bucks. Since that was about all I had, I said “I’ll take it!”

I was so proud of my purchase – the bear was white and really cute. So I walk in the door with the bear behind my back and said “Happy Valentine’s Day baby! Look what I found on the way home!!”

As I’m still holding the bear behind my back, my golden retriever Jessie grabs it out of my hand in one violent motion. So I said “Jessie drop it!” She did, but she kept her eyes fixated on it. So my girlfriend Jessie (God, I’m sounding like Dr. Bob now) grabbed the bear and hugged it.

All of a sudden her face contorted and she got a look of disgust on her face. I said “What’s wrong?” She answered (holding the bear toward me) “Smell this!” Meanwhile the golden retriever’s tail is going 100 mph. I took a whiff of the bear and said “It sort of smells like the zoo.”

We made the joint (and quite easy) decision at that point to give the bear to my dog Jessie, who loved “yellow bear” until the day she died. To this day, we have no idea what animal marked that bear. We had a good laugh about it, made some dinner, and created a nice Valentine’s Day memory.

Create Your Own Valentine’s Day Memories

Now I’m not telling you to find an animal, have it pee on a stuffed animal, and then give it to somebody. What I am suggesting, however, is for you to get one of those 50-count boxes of kids’ Valentine’s cards and bring them home tonight so that your sweetheart can open up every single one of them.

You could even buy her a bag of those seventeen year old dusty heart candies with such magical phrases as “Be Mine” on them. Sometimes the “M” looked like an “N,” though, so the candy looked like it read “Be Nine” and thinking you were playing Battleship yelling “B9!”

So you see, I really don’t hate Valentine’s Day. I just think it’s more fun to be creative than to make a reservation at a restaurant. So if anyone wants to “Be Mine” for Valentine’s Day, I’ll be here.

Now let me ask all of you one question. What was your favorite Valentine’s Day and why?