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Is There Really an Infidelity Gene and What Does it Mean For Your Relationship?

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A new gene discovered by scientists is being called the “infidelity gene,” but what does that actually mean, and is the name truly rooted in the scientific discovery?

Scientists at Karolinska Institutet have found a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners. The same gene has been previously studied in voles, where it has been linked to monogamous behavior in males, but this is the first time that a specific gene variant has been associated with male bonding.

The Genetic Link and How it Affects Relationships

The effect of this variation is relatively small, and it cannot be used to predict with any real accuracy how someone will behave in a future relationship.

Hasse Walum, postgraduate student at the Department of Medical Epidemiology and Biostatistics, and his team found that men who carry one or two copies of a variant of a particular gene linked to hormone receptors, allele 334, often behave differently in relationships than men who lack this gene variant.

According to the study, the incidence of allele 334 was statistically linked to how strong a bond a man felt he had with his partner. Men who had two copies of allele 334 were also twice as likely to have had a marital or relational crisis in the past year than those who lacked the gene variant.

There was also a connection between the men’s gene variant and how happy their partners were with their relationship.

“Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn’t carry this allele”, says Hasse Walum.

It’s Not All About Genetics

A related study was carried out several years ago, in which researchers focused on women who were twins and found that if one of a pair of twins had a history of infidelity, the chances her sister would also stray were about 55%. It found the tendency for both twins to be either faithful or unfaithful was strongest in identical pairs who have identical genes.

The executors of the study stressed that genes alone did not determine whether somebody was likely to be unfaithful. Much could be boiled down to social factors as well.

I’ve found similar things throughout my years as a therapist and believe that certain people ARE genetically predisposed to have a more difficult time being faithful. I call it the bio-chemical craving for connection.

Where Infidelity Comes From

It usually stems from three things: stress, loss or separation and leads to thrill-seeking behavior to avoid an emptiness I believe is passed down from generation to generation.

I do work with a doctor who can balance brain chemicals to allow the adulterer to bond with their partner, and not need to seek out those thrill-seeking behaviors,which I talk about in my book, Adultery, the Forgivable Sin.

Of course there are other factors at work here. For example, if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was unfaithful, or if you move in circles where discreet infidelity is somewhat accepted. But some people must fight against infidelity like others fight against alcoholism or anger.

This doesn’t mean they get a free pass. The key is to acknowledge this about yourself and keep fighting  AGAINST however you have to whether it’s through therapy, support groups or counseling.

To learn more about Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, check out her latest book Financial Infidelity.

Understanding The Desire To Love And Be Loved in Return

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“We are all part of the same human condition.  The yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.”  – Lynne Twist

That quote speaks to every man and every woman in every place and time!  The worlds’ greatest love stories, from the brilliantly successful ones to the dismally tragic ones, come down to the yearning to love and be loved in return.

Loving and Being Loved

In every love story, there is a quality to the relationship that is defined by how each person deals with his or her own yearning to love and be loved.

Some of us have a stronger desire to love than to be loved.  We pour ourselves out on everyone we love with abandon.  We are supportive and nurturing, even if we risk suffocating the object of our affection.  We may pour out our love in bold, brash, even bullying ways.

I am thinking of men who only need a hint that something is wrong and then swoop in to fix the problem, their loved one, and the people involved!  This also brings to mind women who turn into protective mother bears when their loved ones (cubs) are threatened.

Others who are more committed to loving than being loved show their support and nurture by being submissive, following their lover wherever he or she leads.  Even if it is to a dark place, the supportive, nurturing, I-am-totally-there-for-you individual loves the risk of loving no matter the cost.

A Stronger Desire to be Loved

Then there are those of us with a stronger desire to be loved.  As supportive as I think I am, sometimes my desire to be loved by my husband is so strong I embarrass myself!  When he is preoccupied with something, with steely focus accomplishing something, if I interrupt and thereby incur even a slight dismissal, the pout that forms on my lips is telling!

In an instant, it is all about me and my needs and desires. If I were truly one of those supportive types, wouldn’t I have seen and appreciated his preoccupation with whatever he was accomplishing?

Managing my desire to be loved and choosing to sometimes follow my yearning to love, as a priority over my yearning to be loved, is simple enough.  It can be heartbreaking to watch someone completely sabotage their relationship because nothing can satisfy the hunger for proof that their lover loves them beyond all others!

Sabotaging the Relationship

Of course, the supportive, nurturing lovers can sabotage their relationships too.  Smothering love can snuff out love, shocking the supportive individual with the level of resentment the recipient of their love feels towards them and all their loving attention!

Yet, the “yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.”  At some point in your life, I hope you were your mother’s and father’s beloved infant.  Mothers and fathers do their best.  Sometimes their best is brilliant, sometimes it is good enough, and other times it is barely adequate.

Relationship With Caregivers

Whatever your relationship with your primary caregiver; when you were an infant, someone answered your call and met your needs.  That person was an extension of you, as far as you were concerned, and when she or he was answering your needs and desires, it was as if the two of you were one.

When we fall in love with someone who falls in love with us, we see each other in a way that feels familiar.  Falling in love is the closest we come to “mother love,” that love that answers all our needs.  Even if the timing isn’t completely right; the need is answered by this person, this mother or father, who completes us.

Yearning for Love

I imagine the first time we feel the yearning to love and be loved happens the first time we realize our primary caregiver is, in fact, not an extension of us.  The distance between that person and us must be wide and terribly tangible.  Even if she is within arms reach, the sudden realization of the difference between us, of the boundaries that define each of us, must feel like a chasm.

Jump ahead twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years and the lover who reminds us of how it feels to be completed by another shows up without boundaries, longing to get as close to us as we will allow.  Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual closeness are aches easily filled by our new lover.  Nobody wants that honeymoon period to end.

The Honeymoon Period Has to End

The honeymoon period ends.  For some, the ache of what feels like separation might actually stir up grief.  For others, getting some boundaries back in place, letting friends and family back in to their own and the new life they have created with their new lover is a breath of fresh air!

In whatever way you deal with the yearning to love and be loved, use it to the best advantage of your lover and yourself.  When you feel the ache of it rising in your gut, let the ache grow.  Let it come up into your chest, around your heart and throat, and breathe through it, in and out.

Appreciate the gift of having someone in your life with whom you can satisfy that desire for connection.  Let it drive you to acts of love that delight, not smother…acts of love that might even give a person some space.

Use it to value your ability to love and be loved in return.  Use it to value his or her freedom to love and be loved in return.  Use it to remind you that you two are vulnerable to each other in a way no one else is and celebrate that reality in your own heart, with lovemaking, and with respect.  The quality of your loving will blossom into something even more beautiful than it already is!

Do You Feel Responsible For Other People’s Feelings? You Have to Read This…

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Many people actually believe that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. The truth is our feelings are caused by our own thoughts and actions.

Consider these examples:

“My wife is so upset that I have to travel more on my new job,” Chuck told me in our phone counseling session. “She feels so alone and lost when I’m gone. When I talk with her she is either crying or angry. I feel so badly and guilty but I don’t know what to do.”

“Do you feel responsibility for her feelings?” I asked him. “Do you feel that you are the cause of her feelings?”

“Yes.”

*****

“I’m just starting to date again after my divorce and I’m having a hard time with it,” Jeanette told me. “I just don’t know how to let a man know that I’m not interested in dating him any more, or in pursuing a sexual relationship with him. It feels like such a sticky situation.”

“Is it sticky because you are worried about his feelings?”

“Yes. The last man I dated hung his head and looked so distressed when I asked him to leave. I know that he was really attracted to me and I wasn’t at all attracted to him. I felt so awful that he was so hurt.”

“Did you feel responsible for his feelings?”

“Yes.”

*****

“My 14 year old daughter is so angry at me for the divorce, even though she knows that we are divorcing because of all my husband’s affairs,” Alissa told me. “I feel so guilty, even though I am not the one who had the affairs.”

“Do you feel responsible for her feelings?”

“Yes, of course!”

*****

The Truth About What Causes Our Feelings

Do you believe that you CAUSE others’ feelings, and are therefore responsible for them?

This is a major false belief. Some of our feelings, such as grief from losing a loved one, or helplessness over others, or loneliness when we want to share love with another and no one is available, are caused by life events. But most of our feelings, such as anger, anxiety, depression, hurt, guilt, or shame, are caused by our own thoughts and actions.

If Chuck’s wife is abandoning herself by not attending to her own feelings, or by judging herself, or by making Chuck responsible for her, then she will feel alone and angry at Chuck. It is not Chuck who is abandoning her. It is she who is abandoning herself.

Since there is nothing Chuck can do about the fact that his wife is abandoning herself, he cannot possibly take responsibility for her feelings. But he CAN take responsibility for his own feelings. As long as Chuck is telling himself the lie that he is responsible for his wife’s feelings, he will feel badly and guilty. His guilt is his inner guidance’s way of letting him know that he is telling himself a lie.

Taking Responsibility For Our Own Feelings

If Chuck or Jeanette or Alissa were to take responsibility for their own feeling instead of someone else’s, they would say to themselves, “I WANT responsibility for causing my feelings of guilt. What is the lie I am telling myself that is causing my guilt? Oh, I’m telling myself that I’m responsible for the other person’s feelings (the wife, the date, the daughter), and the fact that it is causing me to feel badly is letting me know that this is not true.”

Then they would open to learning about the truth – that we cannot take responsibility for others’ feelings. We can certainly be kind, gentle, caring and considerate, which is part of taking responsibility for ourselves, but no matter how loving we are, we cannot take responsibility for what others tell themselves that cause their fear, anxiety, aloneness, emptiness, anger, hurt, or depression.

What would change in your life if you decide that you WANT responsibility for your feelings and not for others’ feelings? If you really made this decision, you would stop being a caretaker, taking responsibility for others’ feelings, and you would stop being a taker, making others responsible for your feelings.

You would be free to be truly loving to yourself and share your love with others. Imagine the possibilities of that!

Should I Give My Cheating Man Another Chance?

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Whether you’re in a brand new relationship or a years old marriage, being cheated on is devastating. The idea of losing a relationship and the person you love can be even more devastating.

Should you give your cheating partner another chance or does it end here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve had the feeling my bf was cheating on me. I’ve caught him in multiple lies about were he was, why it was taking him hours to get home from work, where his money was going… In the end through checking his voicemail and email I found out that he was cheating. I have even gone so far as to show him the emails and tell him about the voicemails. He still insists that it never happened. I am willing to give him one more chance if and only if he comes clean and is completely honest with me. Am I foolish to think that our relationship can be saved?

–Marie, MA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGVvt4xcseE[/youtube]

Cheating And Apologizing

Everyone makes mistakes, its human nature. It might have happened because your partner was a little too drunk or it might have been a flat out mistake. A person who cheats and it was obviously a mistake may try to hide it, because they’re afraid of what might happen if they’re honest.

When confronted about the cheating, however, this type of person will usually own up to the mistake and apologize for it. In these cases, it can be easier to forgive and forget and give your partner another chance.

Cheating And Lying

On the other side of the coin, there’s the type of person who will cheat, continually even, and deny or lie about it even when confronted with evidence that they’ve been cheating. Even worse is when this person continues to cheat even after they’ve been confronted about it and denied it!

This type of cheater is definitely more difficult to forgive and in some cases, it’s better to move on and find a new relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to own up to their mistakes and promise to be honest and move past the cheating, there’s really no way you can forgive them.

How can you forgive someone who isn’t sorry or who won’t even stop cheating? This is something you really have to think about on your own and figure out what you can live with. This type of cheater is generally the type that is considered “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Giving A Cheater Another Chance

For a relationship to be successful, you need to have a level of trust, understanding and confidence in each other. You need to be able to trust your partner and have confidence that they love you and won’t cheat on you. Regardless of how they cheated or with whom they cheated, if you can once again build your relationship on a foundation of trust and honesty, your relationship may stand a chance.

This is essential though. If you try to rebuild your relationship on mistrust, lies and dishonesty, the only way your relationship will be headed is in the dumps. You can try to prolong the inevitable, but if your partner continues to lie to you, continues to cheat or in any way isn’t open and honest with you, your relationship isn’t going to be worthwhile.

You will eventually get tired of lies and mistrust and move on, but knowing ahead of time whether you can really save your relationship can save you a great deal of time and heartache in the long run.

Whether or not to give your cheating partner another chance is not a decision to make lightly. It’s something you really need to sit down and think about before making your choice. Try to talk to your partner and find out what their feelings are towards the situation as well.

Does your partner want forgiveness or do they seem to not care? A lot of your decisions will come from how your partner reacts when you approach them about the cheating.

Why You Should ALWAYS Pay Attention to Your Inner Feelings When You Meet Someone

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A friend of mine recently said to me, somewhat in awe, “I’m just discovering that energy is everything!”

Right, it is, but what does this mean, exactly?

What Is Energy Exactly?

Our energy is the frequency, or vibration, that automatically emanates from our being, and is a result of our intention. Each of us is always radiating energy. Energy operates on a continuum from extremely negative to wonderfully positive, and reflects our intent from an extremely unloving controlling intent to an extremely loving intent.

Whenever our intent is to protect ourselves with some form of controlling behavior, our energy is of a low frequency – heavy, dark, difficult to be around. Whenever our intent is to be loving and to learn about love, our energy is lighter and easier to be around. Learning to discern the differences in our own and others’ energy is very important regarding being loving to ourselves.

Understanding Energy in Regard to Relationships

Let’s take an example. Richard, 28, fell in love with Rachael, also 28, an extraordinarily beautiful woman with a winning smile. Richard is a very kind, caring and compassionate person who tends to be a caretaker. Richard believed that everyone was basically like him, kind and caring.

Richard also believed that anyone this beautiful on the outside must also be beautiful on the inside. Instead of caring enough about himself to discern who Rachael really was, Richard allowed lust to determine his decisions and married Rachael.

In time he discovered that Rachael was a really hard, cold and calculating woman, who was really in the marriage to be taken care of financially. The marriage eventually ended in a difficult divorce, with Richard losing much financially.

Had Richard tuned into Rachael’s energy instead of being dazzled by her looks, he would have quickly discovered that Rachael came from fear and neediness, not from caring and kindness. Had he been willing to go within to his own inner, feeling experience of Rachael, he would have known that she was operating from a much lower frequency than he, and was not a good match for him. Had he been willing to experience Rachael with his heart and soul, rather than his mind and genitals, he would have known that she was not for him.

Pay Attention to Your Feelings

How often do you ignore your feeling experience of someone, instead of allowing your surface experience to govern your choices? It is only your feelings that are capable of discerning a person’s energy. If you feel a kind of inner uneasiness, pay attention to it. It might be telling you to be cautious. Even if a person appears on the surface to be open and friendly, the deeper intent is always betrayed by the energy.

If the deeper intent in being open and friendly is to control, you can feel it in your body if you tune in. However, if your intent is also to control, you may not be able to accurately discern another’s energy because your ability to discern is affected by your own intent. When your intent is to learn about what is loving to yourself, then you can tune into your inner experience and discern another’s intent.

The Importance of Energy

Energy is everything. How people look, what they say, or how they behave does not really tell you anything. It is the energy behind their behavior and words that really matter. A person can say, with the softest voice, “I love you,” and the energy behind these words can be totally different, depending upon the intent.

If the person’s intent in saying “I love you” is to get something, approval, sex, money, time, attention, and so on, the energy will not feel good inside you. You might feel pulled on or even drained by the expression of love.

If the person’s intent is to share love with no agenda in mind, it will feel very good inside you. Your job is to stay open to learning about loving yourself so that you are open to learning about another’s intent. You will feel safe inside and create loving relationships when you become a discerning loving adult, instead of reacting as a needy or lustful adolescent, willing to know the truth about another’s intent and resulting energy.