Relationship Advice

How About A Greater Tomorrow Right Now?

When we fall in love, we fall hard, and it seems to do something to our brains. We start out as reasonable, sensible people who act accordingly, and then all of a sudden we get hypnotized by this other person, and all reason and sense gets thrown away. Next thing we know, we’re bending our values and boundaries around to accommodate what we think this other person wants us to be, and then at some point when the dust of reconstruction settles, we’re left wondering which dumpster it was where we discarded ourselves.

While it’s interesting to sit and wonder, you’re probably busy trying to get back some of your freedom, so that you can take a step toward the future where you can feel good about who you are and find a good relationship. Instead of waiting for all that to happen then, here’s some advice to start living that greater tomorrow now.

Dear Maryanne,

“Should I just give up on him? My best friend and I have always been close. We always opened up to each other, and the way we act towards each other is, well, different. But there’s one catch–he’s gay. I decided to tell him how I felt, anyways. And guess what! He loves me too, ‘so much,’ and he couldn’t imagine never talking to me ever again. I’m his best friend.

So I realized he didn’t understand that much yet, and I decided to wait. But then one night came and something happened, he felt like no one loved or cared about him, so I opened up fully to him. I guess my friend talked to him, too, since he told me that she said we should both be together. I replied back telling him whatever he wants to do, it’s his choice. His answer was, ‘But I have a boyfriend.’

As long as he’s happy, I guess I’m happy too, right? I don’t want to be selfish. I always helped them whenever they had troubles, and not once did I ever tell his boyfriend what he did (he cheats).

Now I don’t know anymore. Like I said, he was gay. But later on, he said he’s getting to the point where it seems like gender doesn’t matter anymore. Today, he told me about this girl. And how he felt like he caused her brain cancer, and that he loved her. I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to help but I was too depressed. Lately I’ve been having no feelings whatsoever. If I smile, it only lasts for a couple of minutes. I barely laugh anymore. The only emotions I receive are depression and anger.

I just don’t really know what to do anymore. At times he would say the sweetest things, like how most guys would tell the girls they love most? But then later it’s as if that never happened. I’m starting to believe he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t feel the same exact way. And me holding onto him is just hurting me even more. I don’t know what to do anymore.

– Julie (15, Denton, Texas, USA)

Dear Julie,

I think you made a very astute observation: “me holding onto him is just hurting me even more.” I think you should definitely take your own advice on this one, put a stop to the fruitless waiting right now, today, and start getting on with healing yourself and preparing yourself to be ready for a healthy relationship with someone who can love you back in the way you love them. You already know that your best friend is never going to be what you want him to be (i.e. a straight man), and so every moment that you continue to wait for the impossible to happen is just one more step into self-delusion. Keeping yourself trapped in a dead end also prevents you from being emotionally available to explore other things, like loving yourself and finding out who you really are.

Letting go is painful, but that pain is temporary, unlike the endless pain you’re suffering now by hanging onto him. When you allow yourself to let go, you’re also opening yourself up to love again. And it will happen, but the great thing is that next time you’ll be able to choose someone who can love you back equally, in a situation where both of you are able to celebrate your true selves.

I Could Have Told You So!

By sarahelizabethmalinak

By the time this is published, I’ll be out of the woods. You see, my husband and I are in the middle of a situation created by the differences between the sexes, and my goal is to refrain from making this particular difference an issue. I so want to point out an oversight he’s made! But that is exactly what would make this particular difference an issue. So, I figured I’d write about it instead.

So here’s what’s going on. To set this up, I need to tell you that my husband and I work together from home. We have separate offices and actually spend a lot of time apart but are mostly just a few steps away from each other. With our lifestyle we get a lot of quality time together. It also means that we like to go out for lunch regularly in order to connect as a couple, rather than as business partners.

Beginning the day after tomorrow, we have commitments that will require a four-day separation. It means that tomorrow is our last day to have lunch together before we go four days hardly seeing each other. I was looking forward to having him to myself tomorrow at lunch. I was also looking forward to lunch with him my first day back.

With two phone calls this afternoon, he arranged for us to have lunch with his son tomorrow and he arranged to have lunch with a friend on my first day back. You’re probably saying, “What is the big deal?” Well, it isn’t a big deal. But it became an opportunity for me to NOT give him a hard time about not seeing the big picture.

The Difference Between Men And Women

That’s the difference between the sexes that we are caught in at the moment. As a woman, I see the big picture and I’ve been making plans around the big picture for weeks! As a man, he is very focused and efficient. The difference means he is missing the opportunity for two separate romantic encounters – the “good-bye” lunch and the “I’m home” lunch.

So, I made the decision that without bitterness, pettiness, or hurt feelings I would leave this alone. I would not point out to him the “mistake” he made. Nor, on the other end of it, when he’s hurting as much as I am that he added more separateness to a time of separation, will I point out to him that he made a “mistake.” To be perfectly clear, I twice put the word mistake in quotes because no mistake has been made. There is absolutely no value distinction between seeing the big picture verses being focused and efficient. Rather, it’s a difference in perspective that can sometimes be beneficial and other times drive a couple crazy – that’s all.

With the exception of the relief that writing this article gives me, I choose to let it go. I can promise you that the marital bliss will be great and far superior to the short lived thrill of being able to say, “I could have told you so.”

Embrace The Difference Between The Sexes

Let me share with you those rewards. If I keep my cool and refuse to let this situation hurt my feelings, I will experience his missing me, which is flattering. I will experience his longing for me, which is also flattering but, more importantly, his longing for me will deepen my yearning for him. When we finally have the time to be alone, conversation will be deep and meaningful as we share our experiences born of the recent separation and our lovemaking will be fun and especially satisfying!

Do you see? There is so much more satisfaction awaiting me by allowing, even embracing, this particular expression of the differences between the sexes. Your relationship is a daily laboratory for growing more love when you take potential problems and turn them into opportunities instead.

Next time you find yourself caught in the battle of the sexes, try slowing down to find the opportunity in it. The pay off could be delightful!

The Hidden Stakes In Your Relationship’s Heart

By loveandsex

What are the most common reasons a relationship ends? Infidelity, loss of interest, incompatibility, or lack of communication. Wow, those are all pretty big indicators that something is wrong within a relationship. However, what about those small things people never think twice about, the minor happenings you may not even notice seeping in? Here are some problems which could actually be killing your relationship from the inside out.

The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions

“I am only telling you this because I love you.” Ah, the words of friends and family. Sometimes they have the best intentions. They may see something in your partner to which you have turned a blind eye. But sometimes, they just can’t see past their own opinions—such views that may have nothing to do with your partner at all. So what if your family thinks he is pompous or your friends think she is ditzy? This input has a way of crawling into your mind, taking hold, and poisoning a relationship. There are times when you need to listen to those you love (such as when they are worried for your safety, money, job, or other factors which do not involve “but you’re too good for him/her!”) and there are times when you need to tell them to butt out. Keep in mind, however, if it is not just one or two people but your whole clan warning you away…you may want to pay a little attention.

Video Game Break Up Box

“Just another minute, I’m close to beating this level!” Archaeologists will someday look back on our generation and refer to the computer or Wii as the Break-up Box. “Many people of long ago (particularly the males) used to get so absorbed within the workings of this strange device that it would drive away the partner and sever the relationship altogether. Fascinating!” they will ruminate. It is no surprise that, when doing a Google search of “World of Warcraft” and “divorce,” there are nearly a million hits. A person can become so engaged with a game that he or she will lose focus of what is really important. Don’t be that guy.

Getting Too Comfortable

“Can we please go out or something?” One of the best parts of being in a relationship is feeling so comfortable with another person that you do not have to get dressed up, you do not have to entertain them at all times, you can just…be…you. Yet this is one of the biggest traps into which a couple can fall. A person can become so comfortable in his or her relationship that they stop caring about their appearances, take their partner for granted, and may even become an outright bore. When this happens, it becomes very difficult for the girl/boyfriend to want to remain in that relationship. It is not just possible, but likely, if you are not careful. While you can certainly allow comfort into the relationship, don’t let it become the entire relationship.

The Fast Road To Fizzling Out

By loveandsex

There is nothing in the world that can compare to the initial rush of a new relationship. You think of the other person every minute you are awake…and some of the hours you are asleep. Your heart aches until you can see or talk to him again. When he is around, nothing and nobody else matters.

Yet we are often told too much of a good thing can’t last. Relationships are no different. If you are not careful, this budding state of like could implode, leaving you wondering just what the heck went wrong. Here are some ways to ensure your relationship lasts beyond the initial obsession.

The #1 Mistake People Make In A New Relationship

The biggest and most common mistake people just starting a relationship make is to ignore friends. They begin spending all of their time with the significant other and forget about the lives they used to live before. When you shirk your friends in favor of the new girlfriend, not only will it make them mad…but it can also put your newfound status in danger. You need friends to remind you that she is, in fact, not a deity worthy of your worship. Moreover, the time away (not matter how brief) can be helpful to the future of your relationship.

Along those lines, don’t quit your hobbies. Making out should not replace going to the gym or building furniture, if those are activities you love to do. It is understandable that your alone-time may be reduced when you begin opting to spend more time with her. But these hobbies should not disappear completely. Remember who and what you are. That sense of self should not fade away in order to accommodate someone new in your life.

Spending Time Apart From Your New Love

What if your hobby is traveling? Sure, keep it up! Going away for a weekend and being away from him will not kill you, I promise. You can even call once or twice while gone, just to make sure he remembers you. Even if you are not traveling, skipping the couple-time for a day or two when you are busy at work or under the weather will not break the relationship. It will actually strengthen it, because you will have some time apart.

Why is time apart so important? The main problem with the intense passion of a new relationship is that it can so quickly burn out those involved. They may be happy spending every minute together…until they are suddenly annoyed with the mere presence of the other. But when you have mini-breaks, you will appreciate this person more, look forward to seeing them, and will not soon take him or her for granted.

The last thing to remember is that, early on, you may feel compelled to talk about the future of your relationship, make plans for next year, or even talk right away about marriage. Try hard to avoid these kinds of conversations until you have pulled out of this phase. These moves can very quickly push a relationship into a later stage, for which neither of you may be ready. Instead, wait to talk about such topics until you can, say, get through a day of not seeing her without crying.

How To Handle An Adult Mama’s Boy

By sarahelizabethmalinak

The most important thing you need to know about mama’s boys is that most of them are not attached to their mother’s apron strings!

You see, mama’s boys are not that way because their mothers smothered them. Men grow up to be mama’s boys because they missed out on an invitation from their fathers to enter the father’s sphere of influence in their teenage years. Now, having missed that invitation, the relationship with the mother is quite complex. Some do make mom the most important woman in their lives. Others grew up power struggling with their moms, turning into macho men and even bullies as a result of their confusion over their role in their mother’s and their father’s lives. How a man relates to both parents directly affects his relationship with his woman.

Another type of mama’s boy looks like the perfect man who is capable of being there for his wife and children. Except that he tends to smother his wife and kids! Even another type comes across as an insecure teenager, even when he’s in his forties or fifties, needing his woman to reaffirm his masculinity at every turn.

So, how do you handle an adult mama’s boy, no matter which type you are in a relationship with? Here are nine action steps that can make a difference.

9 Steps For Dealing With An Adult Mama’s Boy

1. Refrain from acting like his mother. This means treating him like a grown man who can take care of the details of his life without you intruding there. This is probably the most important piece of advice. It is also the one you can do the most with because it has to do with controlling your own behavior in order to create positive change outside yourself.

2. Stay out of the middle between him and either parent. Mama’s boys attract women who are willing to go to bat for them, let him handle those relationships.

3. Call forth his masculine greatness. When he takes action meant to provide for you, protect you, impress you, or turn you on – acknowledge it glowingly!

4. Don’t nag. Learn how to express your needs and desires as you would with a peer. Nagging demeans both the giver and receiver. And it aggravates the mama’s boy quality that aggravates you!

5. Recognize that you are part of the problem. He was attracted to you in the first place because of your “mothering” energy. Even if you think you are the opposite of his mother, does he hope you will “mother” him the way she never could?

6. Expect him to be your equal, your lover, your man. The expectation will determine your own behavior as well as call forth the best in him.

7. If he speaks to you in a needy tone, respond as if he didn’t. Don’t feed the little boy energy. Don’t respond in a tone that corrects his neediness. Simply respond neutrally or with a positive tone that ignores his implied need.

8. Remember that there are times when each of you needs to be able to be the weaker one in the relationship, depending on the other to be the strong shoulder. This isn’t about the mama’s boy struggle, it’s about depending on each other.

9. Remember, too, that for adults, sex is play. It’s where we get to revisit the childhood joy of just full out enjoying ourselves. As long as it isn’t a turn off, let each other’s inner child come out to play some when it comes to sex.

Understanding Mama’s Boys

Sitting down a mama’s boy to have a discussion about his personality and how it doesn’t work for you is the most ineffective way of handling the situation. It puts you in the role of mama to his little boy who just can’t get it quite right.

As a mama’s boy, his patterns of behavior and speech are not only deeply ingrained, he got stuck there as a kid because he loved his parents and tried to be who they needed him to be. No one realized they were messing with his future romantic happiness. He doesn’t need to be treated like a victim! He needs to be treated like a man.

I said the most important piece of advice was to refrain from acting like his mother. The second most important piece of advice is that you are a part of the problem. He was attracted to you for a reason. The loving and nurturing energy you carry is delightful for everyone, dangerous for the two of you. However, this is good news because you can do something about it without overtly trying to control or dominate him.

Pay attention to the variety of ways you pour mothering energy over him and determine which expressions of that are healthy and which get you into trouble. Then stop the ones that get you into trouble! For instance, if around the house he has a habit of calling out to you when he wants you; with you leaving whatever it is you’re doing to go to him to find out what he wants, stop it! Little boys can’t be bothered to get up and go find mom, they call her to them. A pleasant, “I can’t hear you!” hollered back at him will result in his getting up to find you.

Or if he wants you to get him a beer, try a pleasant, “I’m not coming that way anytime soon.” The assumption you make is that he is a grown man who can take care of himself. It reduces the power struggles that aggravate the mama’s boy stuff and makes your life together sweeter.

I’ve seen too much advice out there telling you to dump him. These guys are too large in number and their hearts are too big to give up on. Give these nine actions steps a chance – you’re both worth it!