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Q&A: Is It Good To Be Over-Protective of My Partner?

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Sometimes in relationships one partner becomes overprotective or even controlling. This can wreak havoc on a relationship, because more often than not, the partner being “protected” doesn’t want to be nor do they need to be. If you’re an overprotective or controlling partner, how can you overcome it?

Question: Every time I leave my girlfriend to let her go home it makes me worry about her constantly. You could say that I’m over protective. I would like to know if it’s it good to be over protective?

–YouTube Viewer

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Is Your Partner Really Unsafe?

Some people have had some sort of trauma in their past or even a bad relationship that causes them to be overprotective of their next partner. They maybelieve their partner is truly unsafe. Most of the time, however, your partner isn’t unsafe and doesn’t need protecting. Calling them all the time when they’re out, asking where they were or who they were with and keeping tabs on them isn’t going to make them any safer, it’s going to make them angry and frustrated. Take a look at your situation and ask yourself, if your partner is really in danger or not. Chances are, they’re not.

Are You A Control Freak?

Many people prefer to be in control in different situations, and others like to be in control of every situation. If your partner likes to go out on their own, you may feel anxious or upset at not being able to be in control of what happens when your partner is gone. Calling or texting your partner a lot while they’re out, grilling them about what they did or even giving them a “curfew” can help you feel like you’re back in control of the situation. Unfortunately, while you may feel less anxious by being able to keep tabs on your partner, they’re going to be upset with you for not feeling like they have freedom in their own situations. They may also feel like you don’t trust them.

Overcoming The Need To Feel In Control

Being a control freak or feeling the need to be in control of almost every situation isn’t healthy. It’s definitely something you want to try to overcome. Having the need to feel in control of everything can cause problems in your relationships, and even end them. Many a relationship have ended because one partner is controlling or too overprotective of the other. Think about why you feel the need to be in control or be protective of your partner, and try to figure out the root of the problem. Try to learn to relax a little bit when your partner goes out and resist the urge to call all the time or give them a certain time to be home or check in with you. You’ll find that your partner will most likely come home safe and sound, and will be relieved that you weren’t keeping tabs on them. You can overcome being a control freak on your own, but it never hurts to seek counseling so you can have someone to talk it through with.

How To Get His Mom To Like You

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There is something sacred about the bond between a mother and her son. She becomes fiercely protective when another woman swoops in and threatens to steal him away. Suddenly, scenarios flash through her mind: he stops calling her, he moves away, he ruins his whole life just to be with this girl. All of the mother’s hard work in raising a good kid, down the drain. Help ease her mind (and make her love you) with these tips.

Show Her How Much You Care About Her Son

If there is any one way to make his mother like you, it is this. Deep down, all she really wants is for him to be with someone who will love him and appreciate him like she does. Just saying, “Gosh, I really care about your son” won’t be enough. You need to show her by holding his hand, smiling at him, laughing with and complimenting him. Even when he’s not around, brag about him to her. Yet this shouldn’t be purely show for her benefit. These are things you should genuinely be doing anyways because, well, you do care for him.

Never, Never, Never Make Her Choose Sides

Your arguments do not and should not involve her. You should never call her after a fight or try to get sympathy from her. Not only will she always choose her son over you, but this will be the fastest way to make her dislike you.

Get To Know Her

She is not just a mother. There are many more aspects to her personality and her being. Talk to her about her hobbies, her job, her other kids, what she does in her spare time. If your relationship becomes more permanent, you will be around her a lot. Getting to know her early on will create more of a familial bond which can be very rewarding in the future. If possible, spend some alone-time with her, over lunch or while doing a fun activity together.

Compliment Her

Yeah, you may want to suck up a bit. Tell her you like the pretty scarf she’s wearing. Comment on the beautiful new dining room table. Relay some of the nice things your boyfriend has told you about her. Go for the golden compliment and tell her what a great job she did in raising her son. Even if she sees right through your plan, she will appreciate that you want her to like you.

Involve Your Boyfriend

This is probably the sneakiest and least heartfelt ways of getting her to like you, but if all else is failing, have your boyfriend talk you up. Next time he calls her or visits her without you around, ask him (or bribe him) to tell his mom some of the reasons why he likes you. If she sees her son is happy, she will be more likely to give you a chance.

Be Yourself

There’s a reason your boyfriend loves you, right? Heck, there are probably lots of reasons. Don’t get down on yourself, trying to impress his mom. Chances are, she’ll see why her son is crazy about you, without you even putting forth a special effort.

Whoa, Nelly! Are You Moving Too Fast?

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There comes a time in every relationship when you want to learn all about the person you are dating. You want to hear stories from his childhood. You want to spend the whole weekend together in bed. You want to discuss names of your future babies.

Whoa, what? The future? Babies? Slow down there, missy! It’s natural for expectations to be high in the beginning of a new relationship. Before tension enters the picture, you can imagine all manners of a life together. You can easily see yourselves growing old together. But just as important as it is to want the relationship to sustain, it is equally so that you hold back before you send the man running into the night, wearing nothing but his unmentionables and a horrified expression.

How Do You Know If You’re Rushing The Relationship?

You are pushing to meet his family.

Getting to know the family is a very private affair, reserved only for the best of the best. He will not want to bring home every girl he dates for a month or two. He wants to wait to see if this will last before subjecting her to scrutiny from his mother. Let him call the shots on this one. He’ll know when the time is right.

You call and/or text much more than him.

You wake up and text, “Good morning.” He replies, asks how you’re doing. You follow up with three texts about a dream you had. He sends a curt “That’s nice.” At lunchtime, you call to see what he’s up to, to ask what he’s going to eat, to tell him you’re thinking of him. Then you call on your drive home to talk to him again. When he doesn’t answer, you send a text, asking where he is. That night, you send four more texts…and so on. Unless you are receiving a near equal amount of replies or he makes the effort to call you as much as you are calling him, your constant attention is probably smothering him.

You talk about the (distant) future.

Rather than planning the weekend, you are starting to plan your future in your mind. It’s good to feel optimistic that there could be a future for you two lovebirds…but don’t start wedding-dress shopping just yet. The quickest way to scare a man off is to have the “Where do you see this going?” talk too soon. Wait until you have more time together under your belt.

You want to see him every day.

Much like calling or texting too much, trying to see him every day will get old quickly. Not only could he (and you!) start to get burned out on all the couple-time, but he will think you are the possessive type by keeping him from seeing his friends. You each had a life before the other came along. Keep living that life. As you start to progress (naturally, without one person rushing it forward), you will start to develop a life that involves the two of you more. Enjoy this last bout of freedom, because if all goes well, it won’t last forever.

How to Get or Find a Girlfriend

Is Your Single Behavior Sabotaging A Possible Relationship?

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Being single is all about freedom: freedom to dress how you want, do what you want, clean when you want, and so on. You don’t have a girlfriend who insists you cut your hair or take the garbage out before your apartment starts to smell. You don’t have a boyfriend who wants to see you wearing something nicer than sweatpants or makes you want to keep your legs clean-shaven. You don’t have a significant other who stops you from making a fool of yourself in public.

However, this sense of freedom is a bit of a Catch-22. No one is around to keep you on your toes. Yet these behaviors can stop possible mates from wanting to be around, keeping you on your toes. It is up to you to spot and fix these relationship-sabotaging behaviors.

Wild Child

No one expects (or wants!) you to be subdued on a Friday night at the bar. You can let loose and have fun. However, know the social limits. Every guy wants to be with that girl who will crack a joke, do a funny dance, and laugh too much. However, it is the rare man who wants to bring the drunk girl—the one flashing her bra and starting fights—home to meet his family. A woman will not look at the man groping the butts of random women and think, “I’m going to marry that guy someday.”

Pigpen

Your home is your own private area; but if you are not careful, it will ensure you never have to share it with anyone else. Say you’re on a date. You find yourself rounding the bases at light speed and you bring the date back home with you. If he or she walks in and sees piles of garbage on the coffee table or cockroaches eating the leftover food on your counter, it will be very difficult to feel passionate. Not only could it ruin your night…it could ruin your chances of this date becoming something more permanent.

Furthermore, your personal hygiene will be a big roadblock if it is not up to par. It’s easy to fall back on certain things, if you don’t have that somebody around to impress. Maybe you don’t shower as often as you could. Or maybe you only shave your legs in the summer (sound familiar?). Or maybe you don’t iron your wrinkly clothes. However, if you act as if you don’t love yourself, as if you’re not proud of your appearance, potential mates will notice.

Busy Bee

One of the best pieces of advice for people looking for love is to get involved and be busy. Being out and about, working on your hobbies is a great way to meet like-minded people. However, have you become so accustomed to filling your schedule that you are unable to free up time if necessary? If a person asks you out, but you must repeatedly reschedule or “take a rain check,” he or she will not wait around forever. Learn the art of downtime.

How To Love A Powerful Woman: Mo’Nique, Sandra And Victoria Reveal Secrets To Success

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You may think this article was written just for men. It wasn’t! Powerful women pay attention because being loved well is your responsibility too! There is useful advice for both of you here.

This year’s Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress winners at the 82nd Academy Awards, Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique, are powerful women happily married to powerful men – men who are not intimidated by their women’s successes.

Fortunately for us, Sandra and Mo’Nique were interviewed repeatedly prior to and following the Oscars where they unsuspectingly shared relationship advice. When you listen to someone who has created a successful love partnership, the way they talk about their beloved reveals secrets the rest of us can use to improve our own love stories.

In addition, this winter saw the movie “The Young Victoria” making its way around the country. Within that little gem is a world of advice for how to love a powerful woman. Based on the early years of Queen Victoria’s reign (the Victoria for whom “Victoria’s Secret” is named), we watch the young beauty fall in love with her handsome Prince Albert – a man who would never be called king – and watch them navigate how to love and be loved in these roles that demand she be his superior in every way.

Prince Albert was no puppet. He masterfully and with great masculine expression, made a place for himself in the palace and in his wife’s heart. “The Young Victoria,” like interviews with Sandra and Mo’Nique, accomplishes what it did not set out to do; it gives us advice for how to love a powerful woman.

Relationship Advice From Some Of The Most Powerful Women

Women, respect your men. In this 21st Century, it’s easy to not appreciate what it costs a man to be in a relationship with a powerful, successful woman. Regardless of how the world measures your and his accomplishments, he is worthy of your respect because he loves you – even adores you. Respect him.

Have a sincere interest in his work and interests. Nothing says, “I love and respect you” quite like having a genuine curiosity in the interests of another. It makes him feel seen and heard.

Mo’Nique makes this provocative statement,” “I don’t think that anyone should be in control of a relationship. I think that if you have a woman that controls her man, he is a puppet and he is weak.” But ladies, the attempt to control him begins with you. If you don’t want to be a tyrant in your relationship, if you want it to feed and nurture you, then respect him.

Advice For Men

Men, have your own work and interests. There are hundreds of ways to love and support her. While you may be content to be the moon that orbits around her as sun, most of you will thrive best if you have your own work and interests.

Know your place in her life. Depending on just how successful she is she may have a posse or entourage of folks who take care of her. Those kinds of relationships can get sticky – a little dysfunctional with various people longing to have a place in her heart that usurps all others. Don’t allow it. You don’t have to go to war with anyone who would like to position themselves between the pair of you. You simply have to know that you are her husband (or lover) and that no one can take your place. Taking that stand, you simply won’t engage with those who would like to be superior to you in her heart.

Protect her and provide a safe space from the slings and arrows of life. Because of a woman’s natural ability to multi-task and see a big picture, she can take on entirely too much, attempting to make too many people happy, feeling like the Great Mother to people who both have their own mothers and are perfectly capable adults themselves! Your ability to focus can help her make time for herself and for the both of you to have time to rest and relax and to feel safe and secure.

In her Golden Globe acceptance speech, Sandra had this to say to her husband, Jesse James, “There’s no surprise that my work got better when I met you because I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back, so thank you.”

For Both Of You

Finally, work together for both of you to accomplish your goals. Rather than treat the stuff of her life as more important than yours, view your separate and mutual interests as equally valid and do whatever it takes for both of you to win in your careers.

At one point in the movie, Victoria and Albert are drenched from running in the rain, undressing each other back in their private quarters. She clings to him, looks him in the eyes and says, “We will take care of each other, won’t we.” More of a statement than a question, it’s a delicious moment between lovers who are equals in their hearts and souls, unencumbered by the demands of the gifts of their lives that put them in the roles of Queen and Prince.

If you love a powerful woman or if you are a powerful woman in love with a man who loves you, the two of you been gifted with a rare opportunity to contribute to this world and to love each other in a unique and abiding way. Know that you are not alone on this journey; other couples have and do traverse it well. And remember to have fun!