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The Best Gift Of All

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With the holidays passing and the new year rapidly approaching, this is definitely the season for us to be counting our blessings, especially given the amount of chaos that touched so many of our lives this year. However, there is one gift in 2009 that is above and beyond all the other blessings.

A New Adventure

This generation is moving from a focus on the self to a focus on the greater community, and that shift in consciousness indicates that it’s time to redefine ourselves and prioritize according to what is most important for us as a whole. Love is reclaiming its rightful place in the center of our lives, and a new generation is joining hands to face a better future. Is there anything more exciting than the thought of us heading down that road together?

The road is not only the start of a new adventure, it’s a way for us to connect heaven and earth, our hearts and imaginations, and all of our unique gifts and wisdom. If music is what happens between the written nots, then this new collective soul of ours is composing an entirely different song. We are ready now, more than ever, to celebrate who we are and what we have fought for.

My heart is full of thanks for those who have stood beside me during this leg of the journey, as I manifest my desire to mend broken hearts and heal the wounds of suffering. I send love to everyone who has helped with this journey, and to those who have benefited from it. I send love to those who are searching for knowledge, and to those who help provide it. I send love to those who are in a difficult place, who feel frightened and alone, and to those whose hearts are overflowing with a passion for helping. I send love to those who have accompanied us here, who have written in, offered a caring shoulder, stayed with us as we have grown together, and to those who continue to strive for something higher as we head down the road less traveled. These blessings could not have have happened without your continued presence!

Because of the fantastic company I am blessed with this past year, I am really looking forward to the coming year. 2010 is going to be an exciting year for “Ask Maryanne”!

Beware The Holiday Relationship Hangover

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You know how a hangover feels ~ you likely had a good time the night before but then the morning comes and you feel sick, tired and – if you can remember anything – know that you likely made some bad decisions. So it is with what I’m calling the holiday relationship hangover.

The holidays have the opportunity to be both inspirational or detrimental to a relationship. If we look around, we’ll find there are so many opportunities to make bad decisions, and the circumstances we surround ourselves with during this time of year certainly don’t help. We’re going to holiday parties, drinking more than normal, stressing out about family, celebrating a new year, socializing beyond our means, eating more than we should and in short, creating an environment that can be potentially hazardous to our relationship.

Holidays And Adultery

There are several major reasons people commit adultery, which I talk about in the book, Adultery- The Forgivable Sin. One of the main ones is to counteract feelings of stress, separation or loss. The holidays can bring ALL these feelings up at once. There’s so much to stress out about, we are easily reminded of loved ones that are no longer with us or of family we find it hard to be around. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other.

Another reason people stray is due to the biochemical craving for connection. During this time of year, people are more vulnerable and they’re looking for someone to connect with. The good news is, this is also a time of year to reconnect with family and friends, so take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of an affair.

And of course there are all the outside factors I mentioned briefly above: alcohol, parties, sweets, and so forth. These things in and of themselves lower inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret – when taking all together it can be especially dangerous! The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know your limits.

Protect Yourself From Holiday Stress

Bad news for candy and chocolate lovers – sweets also have a biochemical effect on stress. Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your holiday stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself.

You also might want to practice saying “no” – especially in this economy more and more people are staying in instead of partying, cutting back on gift-giving and hanging out at home with the people who are closest to them. After all, that should be what the season is about, any way!

Tips For Holidays With The Family – Thanksgiving, Christmas, And New Year’s

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The holidays can be one of the most emotionally trying times of the year, especially if your family dynamics are complicated. In fact, Ram Dass says that the best way to test how together you are is to spend time with your family, and indeed the holidays can present pretty intense strain on your sanity. In addition, if you are going through any negative personal issues that your family might pester you about, then that can make the whole situation that much worse.

If you’re looking for coping strategies for those trying family get-togethers, here are a few tips!

  • Accept things the way they are. You are never going to be in full control of the situation anyway, and trying to force people and things to be how you want them to be will only cause anxiety for everyone involved. Instead, try setting aside your reservations about the way things are, and just accept them as-is. You’d be surprised how quickly this one attitude shift can change your outlook for the better.
  • Look at situations from other perspectives. Life is a complicated thing, and we each have our own ways of dealing with it. Your brother’s lifestyle choices or your aunt’s behavior when she’s had a couple of glasses of wine may frustrate and embarrass you when you look at it from your own rigid context, but if you can force yourself to step outside your own point of view and look at things in a more flexible way, the less you will feel like judging others. Once you realize that we are all humans who make choices and live with our imperfections, it makes it that much easier to forgive both the little and the big issues you have with others (and with yourself!).
  • Get through the hardest times with a minimum of drama. Sometimes there are certain family gatherings where there is anger or bitterness involved, and you think you’d rather have a root canal than spend time with these people. At those times of high tension it can be easy to say or do something that you will regret later. No matter how much you know you’re in the right, let it go at least for now, and let everyone get through the gathering in one piece. Why is maintaining a truce your responsibility? Because you are not that person who always makes things worse; you are the one who makes things better. If you don’t think you can be that person in a particular situation, then maybe it’s better just to skip it altogether, rather than causing a scene.
  • Rehearse your lines if necessary. Sometimes the key to not saying the wrong things, is practicing the right things to say. If gems like “congratulations on getting that pole dancing job” or “yes, having your wedding at an amusement park should be entertaining” don’t come out of your mouth naturally, then practice these phrases over and over until you can say them convincingly. You know your family members will ask those embarrassing questions or bring up situations that they may be incredibly excited about. if you find their stories appalling, then you need to plan your reactions ahead of time. This is especially true if you anticipate questions or comments that might upset you – for example if you’ve had a recent break-up, or have gained some weight since the last time people saw you. Be ready for whatever they might say, with a calm and rehearsed response.
  • Temper your expectations. Sometimes the reality of a situation is just too much to accept cold turkey, but you can take it in baby steps, a little at a time. Try to cut people some slack and be open to the possibility that something good might come of it. A great technique is to do something to help someone who is worse off than you are. This can foster the spirit of gratitude and help you open your heart, which in turn can help you accept more of what is going on around you.

So really, there is no reason to dread the holidays in particular – think of it as an opportunity to break free of habitual thinking, as you find new ways to face situations where you are faced with painful memories.

Best Love And Marriage Articles Of 2009

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This year, public scandals have been on the cover of every tabloid magazine and on every news channel from NBC to ABC to CNN. The Letterman adultery scandal and more recently, the Tiger Woods adultery scandal may make you wonder if there’s any possibility of having a successful marriage or relationship at all without the involvement of an affair. Even though public scandals have topped the list this year, we’ve countered them with tons of articles on how to have successful relationships and marriages, and how to avoid having an affair whether it’s a financial affair or straight up cheating or infidelity. We’ve covered just about every topic there is on love and marriage, so take a peek at our best love and marriage articles of 2009 so you can ring in the new year with a successful and loving relationship or marriage!

Can A Bad Relationship Make You Sick?

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Most of us don’t have to think to hard to conjure injurious feelings about a relationship gone bad. And while the pain and grief due to botched relationship vary from one individual to the next, we need to explore our baseline beliefs about everything rather than jump to overly simplistic ideology.

For example, most of us don’t take into account how we arrived at our relationships. Was it a choice, or something we just “fell” into? Did we come healthy and balanced? Did we know who we were, what we wanted, were we purpose-driven and spiritually and emotionally actualized? Were we comfortable being alone? Did we know how to maintain inner peace and harmony BEFORE we met our beloved?

Are You Paying Not To Be Alone?

But, instead of asking some of these questions, most of us have our go-to relationship move, selling some version of ourselves we find acceptable and hopefully loveable so as to better secure our “hostage.” The person that will make it all better, soften life’s hardships, ease our fear, anxiety, help lift our depression etc, in exchange for ~ well, whatever we sell it for. How much do we pay to have someone comfort us in the night because we are afraid to be alone, to walk our path alone; to have someone hear us, see us, love us, accept us, celebrate us? We rarely think of this, as we are seduced into the story of Happily Ever After, hopefully swept into bliss where we can hide or be transformed there, rather than in the suffocating truth of aloneness.

Stop Blaming your Partner!

Yes, we are safe from many ailments in relationship for a while, but most of us come to find, “wherever you go, there you are.” Eventually, whether in relationship or not, whatever shadows you have run from return. And our go-to culprit is our new partner! Because we’re blaming the wrong person, the relationship ends and we pick up where we left off. The same anxiety returns, the depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc., etc. Our symptoms multiply in the wee hours of the night when we are unable to distract ourselves, until perhaps we manifest an ailment we can point at and say, “Look at this, I am alone, therefore I am ill and out of balance!”

Round we go chasing our tail (or tale), not quite seeing that it is alone we must be to know we are never alone ~ it is with ourselves. We must know who we are and not. It is in our own presence that we must ultimately embrace the truth; that the wound of separation, when not seen for what it is, keeps us “Chasing Amy” (illusions) and never knowing the freedom, balance or joy that is available in a relationship that is in sickness and health, until death do you part.