Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for Love & Relationships / Relationship Advice

How To Have An Affair… With Your Partner!

By

These days, who isn’t stressed? About finances, work, career, and – likely – relationships as well. Or maybe you’re bored in your relationship and looking for a change. Maybe you’re facing all of the above! It can be tempting to self-medicate any tension you feel in your relationship – or in your life in general – by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior and looking for a high that won’t last such as an affair, and will only lead you right back where you started. And often in worse shape than when you began.

Instead of seeking out stress reduction and excitement outside your relationship, re-create the connection you had when you first met. Not only will this mitigate the boredom you might be feeling, it will help reduce the stress in your life as well. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

As the holidays are upon us, it can be particularly tempting to slip into a pattern of financial infidelity (a pattern I talk about extensively in the book of the same name) to deal with feelings of discontentedness. Or maybe you’re worried about the occurrence of a literal affair as guards are down, tensions run high and the need to unwind hits hard this season.

Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things put forth in “Financial Infidelity” that you could work out under this contract:

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong, passionate relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

It may seem difficult to find the time to work on a relationship during this busy time of year, but an investment now will last long after the season is over!

5 Myths About Guys You Thought Were True

By

There are a number of myths out there floating around about guys and gals, usually perpetuated by members of the opposite sex. Some have a bit of rooting in fact, while others don’t. Here, I debunk a few myths about males. Let’s start at the beginning.

All The Good Ones Are Taken

The problem with this one begins right there with the word “all.” We’re all guilting of a generalization once in a while, but to categorize around half the planets’ population in one statement? It’s intellectually and physically impossible! Instead, I always thought So many men, so little time. And so it was true for me. Energy flows where attention goes, right? So maybe you need to switch up your internal chitchat. You may want to consider that perhaps your belief that there are no great ones available, is simply a clever way to avoid looking at who you are being and why you attract the kind of men you do. Man up, ladies and take a good look in the mirror. You may not like what you see, but know thisuntil you do, in the long run, no one else will be able to know the true you either!

A Man Is Ruled By His Penis

Really. This may be the worlds oldest excuse for men behaving badly. Want proof? Set up an interview with one (a penis, that is). I think youll find your subject disappointing, aside from one rather impressive calisthenic move. Bring a tape recorder in case youre the one person in history that will get one to talk instead of drool. Be reminded, ladies, of the definition of mind: That which is responsible for one’s thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason. Should any man want to argue that his penis is the seat of his faculty of reason, RUN!

All Men Only Want Sex

Again with the word “all.” It’s simply not true! If it WERE true, men would never get into relationships, never marry; heck, never leave their houses, and Vaseline stock would be worth billions. Yes, men love sex, most people do – but don’t sell yourself short.

It may very well be that you have learned (as many women do) to value your sex appeal the most about yourself, and therefore attract men who place that extremely high on their priority list. What do you value most about yourself really? What do you believe to be true about who you are? The man you attract will simply reflect this belief so get a handle on this, and check in with your archetypal seductress; maybe its time to re-group, re-prioritize and re-think what youre putting out there. Lead with sexy, get sex. Lead with your magnificent, authentic, sacred self and, believe it, youre 100 times more likely to attract the same!

Men Are Dogs

If you approach any man thinking hes a dog or someone to be trained, you are in trouble. Relationships are challenging for most of us under the best of circumstances; dont make it harder by starting out at a deficit, holding anyone youre interested in such low regard rather than in their highest light. Great relationships require a huge deal of respect to make it over the long haul. If you suspect the person you are with to be operating out of their lower nature, move on. Its the loving thing to do. We dont need to pause and let them know what we think needs to be improved, or (in detail) how we feel about the way they are choosing to be. Just notice that it doesnt jive with what you want for yourself in a partner and respectfully GO. A great definition of Love I recently heard: Let others voluntarily evolve. WOOF!

Good Guys Are Boring

If you’re a drama junkie, this might be true. So again, it’s important to know who you are, who you identify with, and what type of people you go after.

If you’re not into the drama, consider this my mother once told me something I have never forgotten: that if youre bored, youre boring. My mother taught me the lesson of a lifetime; that I am the only person responsible for my delight, my joy, my entertainment and happiness. That the party is wherever I am. I will always be grateful. So many of us women think its a mans job to manage our emotional thermostat. If you want romance, take a bath and light some candles, buy yourself some chocolate or flowers. And while you’re at it, you might want to take a hard look at your relationship history and patterns and explore your love imprint. Saying all men are boring is overly simplistic, and you may miss out on someone who is a sleeper, someone who just needs a while to warm up. Happy trails!

The Cuddle Chemical Is Good News For Her, Bad News For Him

By

A secret to relationship happiness that I’m going to share with you today comes from a teleconference I was on with Dr. John Gray, the Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars relationship help expert. On the call, John talked about a chemical called “oxytocin” that many relationship experts have been talking about lately. It is referred to as the “cuddle chemical” because it rises inside men and women when we cuddle, have sex, have good communication, and in general experience romance

John shared a piece of information about oxytocin that I found transformative. Science shows that whereas this cuddle chemical rising in women causes them to relax; when it rises in men, it causes them stress. Conversely, testosterone rising in men causes them to relax, while its rising in women causes us to stress out! I realized I’d seen proof of this in my own life and figured out how to use the information to increase connection between men and women.

How To Be Close To Your Partner

Here’s how you can use this information to create connection and closeness that works for both of you.

To begin with, there are other things than sex and orgasms that increase oxytocin levels. Good communication raises it. Romantic gestures raise it. Cuddling raises it. Singing in a choir raises oxytocin. But also, an activity like “feathering the nest” raises it. For instance, when we have company coming and I am focused and driven on getting the house clean and perfect, this activity raises my testosterone and stresses me out. On the other hand, when I don’t have an agenda of company coming but instead am puttering around the house, getting the same kind of cleaning done (but at my own pace in my own time), I find this activity very pleasant because it increases oxytocin.

Similarly, when men are involved in activities and problem solving, their testosterone raises and they feel great! It’s one of the reasons why men rush in with solutions when their women want to talk about problems. The release of testosterone feels good, even supporting a man’s sense of his own intuition and internal guidance that he’s spot on with delivering help. It’s one of the reasons why communication breaking down when he offers solutions is so frustrating. It’s because for both of you, the other is acting counter-intuitively, going against what you know in your gut works for you when it comes to problem solving.

How You Both Can Get What You Need

However, you can use this information to create connection and closeness in such a way that you both sometimes get exactly what you need while at other times making sure the other gets exactly what he or she needs.

If as a woman, you will sometimes participate in bonding activities with your husband that raise his testosterone level, he will feel seen, heard, and loved while bonding deeply with you! Such activities can be attending a sports game, enjoying a round of golf or another recreational sport, or even just hanging out with him while he does his favorite hobby. If he’s fixing up the car or working in the garden and you just hang out with him, this simple activity will be a bonding agent for him. I realize that, as a woman, that doesn’t make a bit of sense to you but it does to him.

Yet Another Way Women Are More Complex Than Men

Gentlemen, there are things you can do that will raise her oxytocin, bonding her more closely to you. For instance, sometimes sit and let her talk. Let her talk it all out without trying to fix anything, she will feel seen, heard, and loved while bonding deeply with you! One thing you can do which might appease your desire to fix the problem without making her feel dismissed is you can actively listen. That means mirror back to her what she said or what you thought you heard.

For instance, your wife’s boss is acting weird and she thinks the boss wants to accuse her of not pulling her weight. You might say something like, “I hear you saying that you feel like your boss suspects you’re not pulling your weight but won’t come right out and confront you.” She’ll either affirm or correct your perception and dive in deeper into the conversation. I realize that doesn’t even come close to your being able to provide a solution, but your wife will think you hung the moon if, every once in awhile, this is how you listen! (If you just listen and say nothing, she’ll think you’re angry or not really interested and become insecure or angry herself.)

Another thing a man can do with a woman is cuddle up to her and ask, “Give me two or three romantic ideas and I’ll either choose one or be inspired to come up with a fourth choice by this weekend.” This gets you past her wanting you to read her mind, which you can’t do anyway. And it allows you to surprise her with an afternoon or night of romance with complete confidence on your part.

I can’t help but observe it took me one paragraph to tell women what to do to be with a man in such a way that his testosterone increases, he relaxes, and he bonds with her verses the three paragraphs it took to tell men what to do to be with a woman in such a way that her oxytocin increases, she relaxes, and bonds with him. What can I say, fellows? You know we women are more complex than you. The challenge for us women is getting how easy it is to please you and bond with you and just do it!

What’s Fake About You?

By

What comes with knowing yourself? Oftentimes it’s too overwhelming and intimidating, and we return to our previous patterns. If we’re persistent enough to embrace who we really are, it can still be a lonely road. Sometimes, finding out the truth about ourselves just seems to be too much trouble. So we keep making the same mistakes and falling into the same patterns because we haven’t really unwound and understood the root of these patterns in the first place!

The Pursuit Of Happiness

To Hell with it! We say, “Life is short and I need a reward for all this vigilance and self-examination, pass the Kool-Aid.” So, we continue the search, now seeking elsewhere for guidance, and perhaps decide Popeye was right, that we are what we are, and get on with life.

We manage to skate for a while on our latest distractions: a new love interest, new job, new cosmetic procedure, sudden influx of cash, new handbag or project. Yet the gap between how we act and who we are widens, and no matter what we tell ourselves, eventually the suffering returns, most of it silent. And we wonder why. So we look for more, more, MORE! For Gods sakec THIS IS AMERICA! The pursuit of happiness is my birthright!

Doing As You’re Told

But much of it is a facade. According to scientists, our daily behavior is 90% subconscious. From years one to five a projection reel spliced with trauma, false beliefs and genetic inheritance has been cast upon our nubile brains: the reel continually spins out our reality, like the daily press, in predictable neural loops over our lifetime. It seems who we are is simply who someone else (they) told us to be. Most of us were duped and now are understandably pissed!

While you may be tired, overwhelmed and have no bandwidth right now as survival is taking its toll, here is an exercise that may help you reignite your search for freedom of being, as well as put some pep back in your step. The energy it takes to pretend to be someone you are not, to be fake, is extraordinary.

What Is Fake About Me?

1. Get a piece of paper and write down all the things that are fake about you (you may burn after reading, of course). Examples might be that you are:

  • Fake skinny – you spend an inordinate amount of time watching your weight so that people will find you attractive or so you will feel loved or seen. You fear that if you were fat you would never be happy, popular, get a man, be loved or accepted.
  • Fake nice – you spend much of your time trying to make people like you, manipulating your circumstances by being nice so you can get what you want, while underneath you seethe with resentment or envy of those who dont seem to care what others think.
  • Fake rich – you pretend to be successful, you have mortgaged your life so others will think you are a person of worth, you lease your car that you cannot afford, buy clothes to create a false image, live in a house beyond your means, etc.

You get the idea, go ahead and explore all the fake parts: Let it out. You have an opportunity to relieve yourself of the burden of living this secret life by simply admitting it!

2. Be with it. Sit down with what’s fake about you and move deeper into it. Exaggerate it, even. Give it a voice. Let the fake part or parts have a turn telling you about themselves. You might be surprised at what they have to say!

3. Feel it. Whatever feeling or emotions come, let yourself have them. Like a wave, they will not hurt you; they will wash through you and heal you if you have the courage to feel them all the way. (It could be helpful to have an enlightened witness to share this part of the process with, someone you trust to your core.)

4. Allow it. Relaxing into this allowing, comes freedom. In the acceptance comes understanding and then compassion. Including all our parts allows us greater freedom of being. Developing unconditional love for ourselves expands our capacity for intimacy and joy.

5. Know this is not all of who you are. I feel relieved and all at once welcomed back to the human race and condition. We find our right size again. This perspective gives space for a sense of peace and well-being, room to breathe and dream forward your hearts true desires again. Your soul shines, your authentic self is free to be!

Can Your Friends Or Lovers Be Holding You Back?

By

The mutual flow of respect and support is essential to all healthy, sustainable relationships. Whether friends or lovers, we all want to believe those closest to us want for us to thrive, to fulfill our dreams and to achieve inner and outer success. Yet when this isn’t our experience, we might want to look more closely at the nature of these relationships.

What Is An Unsupportive Relationship?

When I first began to realize this, it was as I got my first big break in my budding media career. I squealed with delight when the producer called from a popular syndicated radio show asking to interview me. My heart pounded, my mouth went dry ~ I had worked so hard and now it seemed things were about to unfold. I was ecstatic.

The funny thing was, the one person I thought would be the happiest for me was anything but. Upset by his confusing affect, I pressed the matter. “Aren’t you happy for me? This is what I have worked so hard for, to get the message out there, but you seem upset?” He looked at me and unexpectedly said, “Now what, you’re going to be some big star and have to start traveling. I don’t want to be with someone who …” He didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t have to, as it turned out; his attitude towards me and my success was a major culprit in ending our relationship a few painful years and many missed opportunities later. Opportunities that I passed up, afraid he would leave me if I didn’t.

It would take me years to identify and learn the importance of surrounding myself with supportive people.

Signs Of Unsupportive Relationships

Making Ourselves Small – you notice you place others’ needs or wants above your own, or hold back your wants and desires because you are afraid to alienate friends or lovers.

Hiding Our Success – you hide or minimize or significant events or progress towards your heart’s desires, not to arouse negative response, rejection or criticism

Jealousy – notice people who say they love or care about you are giving you mixed messages about your good fortune or advancement toward your goals. I.E. You just graduated from law school, your friend slaps you on the back and sarcastically says, “How does it feel to be part of the bottom-feeders club?” or “Ya know, most lawyers don’t even end up using their degree!”

Undermining– someone you care about purposely says or does something to throw you off track. Perhaps your single roommate conveniently doesn’t tell you your hot new boy friend called, twice; or doesn’t mention your name to someone who could help your career when they said they would; or worse, bad-mouths you behind your back.

Competitiveness – maybe your buddy hits on a someone you have had your eye on for quite some time and then says something like, “Hey dude, snooze you lose.” Or picks your brain about your latest idea, takes it without telling you, and uses it themselves without cutting you in. This is a huge sign of someone who is using you to further their own ends.

Devil’s Advocate – this person is always telling you why you can’t do something or why it won’t work, even when you don’t ask and they’re not an authority on the subject. “No one’s ever done that before.” “You can’t do that; you don’t have a license!” or “Where are you going to get the money to do that?” “She’ll never go out with you!” etc.

What To Do If You’re In An Unsupportive Relationship

If you suspect someone you care about or love is holding you back, consider this: Great relationships begin within! No matter what they’re doing, we need to look first at how we treat and care for ourselves. Relationships stem from this fundamental truth.

One of my husband’s and my marriage vows is “I want what you want for yourself,” and the friends I have today are as much fans of my living a rich, fulfilling life as I am of them doing the same. I am grateful every day to have them all in my lives!