Relationship Advice

Avoid A Pent Up Purchase This Holiday Season

Have you had your spending reined in? Do you feel like you’re on a short leash, financially? Have you been unable to indulge in the little splurges for yourself or loved ones that you were used to? The economic climate overall is improving, but that doesn’t mean everyone is rebounding ~ in fact, for some people the sting of financial downturn is still fresh, whether it be from a lost job, a foreclosed house, a lifestyle downsize, or any one of a number of things.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, this recession hasn’t been all bad, as it’s taught many of us what’s truly important: we’re taking pleasure in the little things like eating meals together instead of going out, watching movies at home with friends instead of splurging on expensive outings, doing crafts with our kids instead of buying them the latest gadget, and so on.

But there’s nothing like the holidays to make you feel the pinch of a pinched penny. This time of year has ALWAYS been a hard one for much of American. People frequently go into debt to buy the perfect gift for themselves or a friend or family member. We throw caution to the wind and plan vacations home, eat meals out, host parties … and make things more stressful than they should be.

As many families are in the midst of needing to cut back, it’s even more of a necessity to live within your means this holiday season, but it’s likely to be even more tempting to overindulge. I call this a Pent Up Purchase. It’s related to a typical symptom of infidelity, the Pissed off Purchase, which I describe in my book Financial Infidelity, and can manifest itself in several ways:

Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing – and the penny pinching many are experiencing – is actually a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.

Avoid Holiday Overspending

So where does that leave us, as we stare the holiday season in the eyes? Make sure you’re taking advantage of the GOOD things we can learn from this recession, like I mentioned above. It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress=more tendency to spend=more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the financial infidelity cycle! Spending time with your family – which is often at the core of a memorable holiday experience anyway, even after you strip away the gifts and festivities – can be a good place to start. Or if your family is a source of even MORE stress know your limits and boundaries.

Essentially, the advice that is always relevant during this time of year is even more pertinent now: Take time to rest, to enjoy the season, to be with the people that you love, and let the support of all these things carry you through the stresses you may be feeling about finances, money or the economy.

Confidence Is Nature’s Best Aphrodisiac

By sarahelizabethmalinak

“Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.” – Aimee Mullins

I remember as a teenager, being so self-absorbed, hoping my Prince Charming would come along and rescue me from my life as I knew it! One day I read an article in a woman’s magazine about my very predicament. This article informed me that there was no way Prince Charming was going to come rescue me. He wasn’t going to do it because sad, pouting women are not appealing to any Prince Charming.

You Won’t Catch A Prince By Being A Sad, Pouting Princess

This was before the self-help field and resources burst upon the scene. Within a handful of years, the same article would have communicated that any man who did rescue a sad, pouting woman likely had issues of his own. The pair would create a dysfunctional union sure to self-destruct in time.

All I know is that article was one of the things I’ve read in my life that turned my life around. I wish I’d kept it so I could thank the author. I must have instinctively understood what she meant and got busy becoming a funny and flirtatious young woman, allowing my sense of humor and easy laughter to dominate my interactions with people. It didn’t make me any less serious. When I hurt, I allowed myself to process what hurt. When I was angry, I dealt with it. I simply quit taking myself so seriously that I was getting in my own way of having a fun and rewarding youth.

I have kept that advice close to my heart, allowing it to inform my life ever since. From having sweet boyfriends in high school and college to attracting my husband to making friends and getting along well with acquaintances and strangers, generally content and happy people attract good stuff from other people.

Confidence Can Help You Avoid Bad Relationships

In my early thirties, I did get into a rut with a destructive relationship that eventually found me in a low grade depression for a number of years. During that time, the happy version of me was more of a comfortable mask as the relationship tore at my self-esteem, wearing down my confidence.

Towards the end of that phase of my life, I realized something that turned my life around once again. Perhaps because the relationship wasn’t serving me, I found myself studying and admiring other men. With those who were in relationships, I’d study and admire their women as well. Whether it was a Hollywood couple or the couple next door, I think I was looking for answers to my problems in the success other seemed to find.

My observations taught me something precious that goes along with the “Prince Charming likes a happy, confidant woman” thing. I learned that confidence is sexy. I mean it is the sexiest attribute a person can own! Confidence can turn less than attractive looks and turn them into glorious imperfections that you can’t wait to get close to!

Confidence Is A Turn On

Think about it. Patricia Arquette has those adorable crooked teeth. When is her smile the most appealing? Whenever she radiates confidence. Consider Hollywood’s leading men. Any number of them you would not find nearly as handsome without their delicious confidence in tact. Will Smith has funny ears. Who cares? His confidence is so attractive! Christian Bale is a perfect example. He’s played roles where he was insecure, even a little psychotic as well as roles where he exuded confidence. As Batman he is drop dead sexy. It goes far beyond the body building. It’s the confidence. In the roles where he is convincingly insecure, he doesn’t look like someone you want to get close to.

Personally, the chemistry between my husband, Joseph, and me when one or both of us is feeling especially confident; even if we come off a little cocky, is palatably richer. Because the chemistry is good, period; the fact that I can tell that confidence still makes a difference is convincing enough to me that I’m on to something here.

Besides, remember I told you about that destructive relationship where I wound up in a low grade depression? When I began practicing confidence, both the depression and the relationship unraveled, freeing me to have a new life where I got to attract Joseph. I highly recommend confidence as an aphrodisiac and general life enhancer!

Are You Trying To Outmaneuver (Or Out-Mother) His Mother?

By sarahelizabethmalinak

When you try to take the place of your man’s mother, even compete with her for his attention, you are trying to outmaneuver her at her game. That isn’t the game you want to play. It doesn’t matter if both he and she seem to hook you into that game on a daily basis. What game you play with your husband/significant other is your choice!

Your Happiness Relies Only On You

It takes to two to tango. And even though, if you’ve been in a relationship with a mama’s boy, you might want to make a reference to how three can’t tango and that’s what you’ve got in your house; your happiness is up to you, baby. It isn’t dependent on your man or his mother. It’s all about you. Let me explain.

First of all, there are a variety of types of mama’s boys out there. In fact, there are so many that if you swear off all mama’s boys, you won’t have a whole lot of men left to choose from. Sure, the stereotypical mama’s boy still tied to his mother’s apron strings can make you feel pathetic and hopeless. That type may be easy enough to steer clear of. But then there are the mama’s boys who are incredible nurturers of the women and children in their lives. Man, these men seem to be ideal! And, in many ways they are. However, such nurturers, while they may never ask their mother’s advice, they may not be able to make a decision without your advice. Interestingly, this can become annoying, especially when a woman desires leadership from her husband.

Different Types Of Mama’s Boys

There’s another type of mama’s boy that appears macho, independent, and fiery. While this man comes across as passionate and sexy, when his jealousy is stirred, his need for you to make him the absolute center of your universe can become too intense to live with – not to mention, dangerous!

Another type of mama’s boy is the perpetual teenager. He has a lot of energy. He can get things done and take action when required. But he requires a whole lot of attention too. No matter what’s going down in the family with anyone else, all of it seems to always be all about him from his perception. That just becomes exhausting.

What all these types have in common is the need for their woman’s undying attention, devotion and “mothering“– but not that of a lover’s attention and devotion. For the woman, and sometimes for bystanders, his need for maternal attention and devotion can be seen, heard, and felt. It can be a minor annoyance or make her skin crawl. It can be something they laugh about, with her gently challenging him to show up as an adult male; or, it can make her feel trapped in a prison. It can be something she dismisses or something she tries to control.

Another thing all these types have in common is the number of daddy’s girls in their lives! Daddy’s girls are the other side of the mama’s boy coin. When they were growing up, daddy’s girls were encouraged to either take care of their fathers, in some way replacing their mothers; or encouraged to take their absent fathers’ places with their mothers. Both situations lead little girls to perceive themselves as superior to men, which is exactly the kind of woman a mama’s boy attracts.

Don’t Treat Your Mama’s Boy Like A Child

When you find yourself wanting to sit him down and “teach” him about relationships, you’re treating him like a child. When you get impatient, dismissive, and disrespectful about his habits, speech, whatever, you’re taking on the role of mother, as if he’s a little boy. When you spend valuable time complaining about his behavior or choices either to his face or behind his back, you’re acting like a victimized mom who can’t control her son. Perhaps it goes without saying that when you correct anything about him, particularly on a regular basis, you have assumed the role of mother.

By taking on the role of mom with your man, you yourself undermine the potential for the two of you to have an adult relationship heavy on romance and passion, light on power struggle. Just because women are hard wired for relationships and instinctively know how to “do” relationship better than men, doesn’t mean we should come at them all superior and bossy. Those attitudes are certainly a turn off for everyone involved!

How To Tango

Play the game of love and adult romance by refusing to go to either little girl, the doting mother, or overbearing mama bear with your man. Keep choosing to be the receptive woman within your relationship. Do not fall into the temptation of being the one to fix or correct him.

When you feel superior to him, put your attention on some quality of his that catches your breath. If you can’t think of such a quality, search your memory for when you once noticed those qualities and put your attention there. Chances are you’ve just fallen out of the habit of noticing the things about him that turn you on. Revive that habit!

Remind yourself that he isn’t your father, your son, your brother, your student, or even an old boyfriend. He is the man in your life you have chosen to love and respect. Put your attention there. Whatever brings you out of daddy’s girl needing to fix, cajole, protect, defend, or punish your man; go to that place that places you firmly in the place of willing, adult, romantic and sexual partner of this man with whom no one, especially not his mother, can compete. The more you hang out there, the more he and the relationship will mirror your intention. That is an appropriate use of your innate relationship talent!

Don’t Let The Passion Fade!

By drbonnieeakerweil

Passion is not to be confused with love, but it still is an important part of a relationship – and it’s important to understand WHY it’s important! Because the feelings of passion we experience – especially pronounced at the beginning of a relationship – aren’t actually love, couples should be aware that the absence of passion is not the absence of love. However, losing passion in a relationship is something that should not be taken lightly.

As one therapist on PsychologyToday.com described it:

“But those couples who have failed to keep the passion alive can sometimes resemble a stagnant pond that has no fresh water coming in or going out — the relationship just sort of sits there. It isn’t going anywhere and it certainly doesn’t have enough freshness to it to bring life.”

Especially once you’ve been in a committed relationship for a while, it’s easy to get to that point of stagnation. Life is busy and demanding. There are frequently careers in the picture, perhaps kids, home ownership, financial demands and relationship stress, family issues, and much more. I bring this topic up particularly around the holidays when – although it’s a time we SHOULD be using to spend with loved ones and reignite passion in our romances – it’s often instead a period of the year that is incredibly stressful and draining.

How To Keep Romance Alive

I talk about a few techniques to keep the romance alive in my book, Make Up Don’t Breakup, and I also use these strategies for couples that have been through an affair or feel themselves pulling away from their partner. They work in less serious circumstances to – because, let’s face it, everyone in a relationship at one time or another has needed a little change to their routine. So give them a try this holiday season and focus on what’s important in your life!

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up – go back to the honeymoan! Make these activities your top priority!

A Touch Can Be Magical!

It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection – at whatever lever you’re comfortable with – back into your life.

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

Sustainable Relationships

By maryannecomaroto

If you have had a few relationships you know what I mean by “sustainability,” especially ones that have been a source of pain or suffering to some degree. (Some of which have compelled you to dispose of them by almost any means, organic or not.) But what of the ones you wish to keep, nurture and grow? Given all the energy most of us spend putting ourselves “out there” on the emotional limb let’s wise up and turn those seeds into wisdom. Let’s instead get on with how to make our lives fertile so that we can more optimally attract and create more healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships.

Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. You get it (hopefully). The deal is that if we come to relationship broken up, with some serious unexamined baggage, expecting to attract great relationships, odds are the next one will end up much the same—in disappointment and regret. At some point, as I have said many times, you gotta be thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s not just them.”

Here are some pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:
Respect Here’s a word. Know what it means? If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling, it’s a way of behaving!

Responsible Communication

You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher says “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?

Integrity

Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t BS yourself. Nobody trusts a flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!

Compatibility

Just because someone has good energy doesn’t mean you do real life well together. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure you are compatible with them or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make someone they are not!

Compassion

Walked a mile in their shoes, have you? I recommend before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all is to try and understand as much as you want to be understood. Old adage for a reason. ‘Cause it’s a damn good one!

Expectations

The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing. Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.

Consciousness Agreements

One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Don’t want to party a lot, but notice you keep giving in and feeling bad about yourself—but afraid to lose your friends if you stand up for yourself? Don’t want to have sex so much, but because you’re afraid they will leave, you do it anyway (see compatibility)? What are your non-negotiables?

These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work, they are not just “add water,” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessings, and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the privilege to witness l those I love do the same!