First the bad news – Unemployment rates are high, peoples’ life savings and retirement investments are still depleted, home values have tanked. Now the good news: Surprisingly, Americans are feeling less stress from financial debt these days.

The gist of a study, conducted by the Associated Press is that people are optimistic that they’ll eventually be able to get out from under a mountain of bills, a major factor behind the decline in stress from last year.

According to the poll: Debt-related stress was 12 percent lower this year than in 2008. “People now have some optimism that the worst is behind them,” said Paul J. Lavrakas, a research psychologist and AP consultant who analyzed the results of the survey.

Growing Your Relationships In Financial Crises

As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, staying in has become the new going out, which – in spite of the fact that people and families are dealing with depleted finances – has had some positive effects. Families are connecting. People are viewing their budget as a team effort. Couples are saving more. All these things are also likely factors in the increase in positive debt perception that the study reveals. People feel like they might be gaining control of their lives again.

In my book, Financial Infidelity, I encourage people to talk about their money history – both in their own lives, and as a reflection of what they learned growing up, or in their past. It seems like more people may have started to do this, and subsequently have gotten on the same “financial page” and are willing to make a few sacrifices whereas before they may not have been as open to the idea.

Avoid Prolonging The Recession But Take Your Lessons Learned With You

Of course, this has had somewhat of a negative effect on the economy as a whole – if Americans were to sharply cut back spending, that could prolong the recession and hopes of recovery this year.

But every cloud has a silver lining, and as such, Americans aren’t dealing with record-high gas prices as they were last summer. Credit and financial problems, which reached a crisis point last fall, have shown some signs of easing.

It would be naïve to think that because overall debt-related stress is down from this time last year, we’re out of the woods. Obviously our habits continue to have potentially dangerous repercussions both in our personal lives and in our economy as a whole, but people are definitely thinking about spending less and are more mindful of their finances. And I would say that’s a net gain!

Ever wondered what would happen if you told “the whole truth and nothing but the truth”? I’ve come to a point in my life and in my relationship where that is one of my highest standards – that I must absolutely be true to what’s on my heart. But years ago, when I first started heading down this path, I wasn’t at a place personally or relationally that supported such a venture. And the results were nearly disastrous!

When The Truth Hurts

Many years ago, when I had only been married a short time, I came home wanting to share with my husband a new and interesting thought I’d been pondering. I wasn’t sure how he would take it. OK, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t take it well … but I was hopeful.

I felt burdened by my experience and assumed that my partner would have at least some interest in dropping in with me (it was my unspoken ideal of what love looked like-that we care deeply about what is important to each other) – so I ventured to say:

“Have you ever seen someone, you know, like on the street, or while you were in your car waiting at a stop light and thought to yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I married that guy?” He stood, eyebrows raised, expressionless, poised like a soldier given marching orders, and walked away without saying a word…for two weeks.

Lying By Omission

Aha. Just as I suspected (frankly, as my mother warned me), men don’t want to hear this kind of thing. You know – things like: how many men you have really slept with, if you’ve ever experienced pleasure outside of your relationship with them, if you’re frightened, insecure, needy-and they definitely don’t want to hear that you are currently wondering what it might be like to be with anyone else aside from them.

To be fair and, well, honest, the same seems to hold true for us women; we aren’t so keen on hearing that our beloved has just fantasized about another life with some other woman (or man). We don’t want to hear that YES he thought that woman who just walked by was GORGEOUS and had fabulous breasts, butt, eyes, whatever. Nor do we want to hear that lately the relationship isn’t spicy enough, or that they have temporarily lost interest in sex, or are considering that perhaps this is not the relationship they signed on for…and on and on.

So what to do? Because I’m curious – and realized I’d hit a nerve – I took this show on the road. I gathered a studio audience filled with men (I was pretty clear on where we women stood on the matter) and dragged 40 of them down the rabbit hole with me, determined for them to give it up. To cough up the truth, the whole truth and nothing but…their truth. Thank God (dess) they came along willingly!

Under the right circumstances men will tell you almost anything, particularly when they know you won’t hold it against them-for ransom!!

Invariably, each man told a similar story as I passed the microphone around. They want to say it (the truth, that yes, they were looking and liked what they saw), but they feel that the women cannot handle the truth and they would suffer the consequences or punishment (usually a withhold of sex). So the men decide, it isn’t worth it. (For the record, most women don’t tell the truth because we fear men will leave and we need them to stay, so we too withhold such truths). I declare to my men that all of the above eventually turns to poison and kills the relationship-a slow, yet lethal seepage of lie-onide. And ask, what, if anything, can be done and wait to see who cares.

Handling The Truth

A few brave men raise their hands and say they will bite the bullet, that they are tired of the game, want to be free and see whether the damage can be avoided with some compassion, patience and valor. My heart swells, I deliver copious hugs and close the show hopeful for all relationships now and in the future.

Regardless of the subject matter, I remain a faithful servant to the liberating phrase, The truth shall set you free. And today fill my life with people young and old devoted to the truth, whose hearts swell with compassion and expand with courage to venture towards greater freedom of being. Thanks to those brave men and my devotion to the truth, I am ever grateful and am no longer afraid to lose what is not possible to have. Blessings!

Every once in awhile, I get emails from women who need unique relationship help. They have identified their significant others as mama’s boys and want to know if they should continue to try to love them or leave them. Now, mama’s boys come in a variety of personalities. A real macho dude can be every bit his mother’s son even as the man who is still tied to her apron strings. But these emails are specifically about the “apron strings mama’s boys.”

Is Your Boyfriend Or Husband A Mama’s Boy?

Having changed identifying details to protect the innocent, a recent email read something like this.

“I have invested several years in my relationship with my boyfriend. The problem is his elderly mother. He has lived with her in her house for a decade! She runs his life! They share everything. They even have matching robes. They divide up household chores and expenses as if they are husband and wife. When I visit him in her home, I certainly feel like an interloper, trespassing on their relationship. She doesn’t like me and tries to undermine my relationship with her son at every turn. I can’t get through to him. He just doesn’t see the problem. I’ve broken up with him several times but it’s the sex that keeps me coming back for more. I just feel he has so much potential that he is wasting living this life style with his mother. To be perfectly honest, his lifestyle disgusts me. Can you help? Should I follow my friends’ advice and finally dump him?”

What To Do With A Mama’s Boy

This is my advice for her. Your mama’s boy is in a very intense situation.  The biggest hurdle seems to be that he’s happy living with his mom.  It sounds like whatever you do to change your behavior to make a difference; they both react in an effort to maintain the status quo. The bottom line here is he doesn’t want to change! 

In my work, I talk a lot about looking at your relationship as a mirror of you.  I think your best bet is to let this relationship go; but as you do so, acknowledge it as your creation so that you don’t have to create it again.  When you can take this level of responsibility – honoring your relationship as a mirror of you and as something you created to learn from – then you’re in a much better space to create a healthier relationship next time.

The sex draws you back in because you two are now chemically attached.  The “cuddle chemical,” oxytocin, is released in peoples’ systems when they make love and it contributes to the sense of attachment.  Great sex by itself is evidence of good chemistry but NOT evidence that the relationship is meant to be or that the relationship will ultimately serve you somehow.

You Are Worthy Of Better Love

I think this relationship has served you in terms of letting you know that you don’t want this kind of dysfunction and that you are worthy of better love. I don’t think this man can detach himself enough from his mother to love you better.  Not because he isn’t capable of growth but because he’s apparently content with her and their lifestyle.

Good luck!  You don’t want to waste more years on anyone who can’t really love you back as a full fledged adult. Your friends’ advice is to leave this mama’s boy and get on with your life. If you choose to leave then leave it knowing you created this mama’s boy in your life with clarity that you do not want to do this again. Without that clarity, you will attract to you another mama’s boy in a different form. 

These changes in your life take courage and a lot of self-love. The changes are 1) choosing to look at your relationship as a mirror of you; 2) treating it as something you created so that you know you can create better for yourself; and 3) leaving the relationship because you deserve better. You loving you is the best foundation for a healthy relationship because the more you love you, the more you attract people who can love you too.

Being alone can be, well, LONELY! And most of us – even those who like to be alone – don’t really like to be lonely. But what can we do about it? What do you do when you really want that “special someone” to be there, in your life, RIGHT NOW?! If you’re not looking to fall into a trap similar to the woman I mentioned in part one of this article – who gave her life savings to a man (a criminal!) she was seeing, only to have him turn up dead, in a car he bought with her money, before paying her back – you’ll hopefully be able to glean some wisdom and viable suggestions from my next five tips.

5 MORE Tips For When You’re Feeling Lonely

Many of us find ourselves alone, and lonely, for a reason – and often, for a GOOD reason! Most of us need to take time in our lives to seek out why we act the way we do, and to get to truly know ourSELVES! But that doesn’t make being alone or lonely any easier.

So, while you’re on your path to self-discovery, here are a few things you can do RIGHT NOW, to help yourself through whatever it is you might be going through!

• Talk. I must say I had a list of folks who would talk with me in the wee hours of the morning if I needed to be “talked down”… if you know what I mean. Not men, but friends that cared about me, knew my history and were devoted to my heath and well-being. Honestly, I have never been a big phone talker, but when I got lonely sometimes it would take the edge off-just hearing someone’s voice was comforting enough to get me to the next place!
• Play. Anyone who knows me knows that this has traditionally been a hard one for me. It conjured images of silly people running about doing things I would never do. That said, I needed to find my version of what healthy fun was. Things that had positive consequences. I started dancing the Five Rhythms, took salsa lessons, ice skated with my son, played cards and ping pong with friends, trained for the Avon Walk (okay, for me training is fun), painted with watercolors, took classes at City College, went to open-air markets. There are a ton of things to do and a million online resources in your area for what I call “clean living,” fun things to do.
• Get a pet. I love cats, have two (Chloe and Leila), a dog named Bella and a fish; the current one’s name is Donald. (My niece and nephew named the last three Sparkles One, Two and Three.) I cannot tell you how many times my cats have come and cradled me in the midst of some of some of my most intense loneliness. And I let them. I was learning how to comfort myself when I had only known how to reach to someone else before (most of the time not the best someone, either). And yes, they respect me in the morning, all of them, every time-and best of all, so do I!!!
• Laugh. I have always been the type of person who said, “If I am not capable of mustering a laugh, I know something is really wrong!” and then I revert to the above items. Because I genuinely, regularly love to indulge in gigantic belly laughter. I love to laugh at myself and when I am not busy laughing at myself, I seek out opportunities to find the humor in just about everything. I am easily entertained. (My mother once said that if you are bored you are boring.) Comedians on DVD are fab and I recommend getting a library of them-my current fave is Orny Adamas, he’s available on line. OR a great alternative is funny movies, and my list is long. If you don’t have a library already, it is inexpensive to build, and way less expensive than a one-night stand or bad relationship choice.
• Pray. Oh yes, never underestimate the power of prayer. I have said prayers over and over, hoping someone or something out there would hear me, and then one day it happened. I found my Divine connection to…well, The Divine, of course, and have never looked back. It was like coming home, and now I find great comfort in prayer and meditation, as corny or simplistic as this sounds. I know, I know, you are desperately lonely- then I say to you, pray like it!!

I’m not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!