Relationship Advice

5 Things To Do When You’re Lonely But Not Ready For A Relationship – Part 1

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were lonely enough, longed SO MUCH to be loved and cared for, that you did something stupid. Looking back, do you think it’s probably because you weren’t ready for a relationship, so you weren’t selective about who you decided to enter into one with? Here’s a story for ya – and some tips to make sure you don’t find yourself in the same situation!

I once knew a woman who gave a guy she was seeing – someone she hadn’t known long and knew to be a criminal – all of her life savings. Then, he fell off the face of the earth. When she began to try to figure out where he ways, she learned that he had died in an automobile accident. Not only that – he had left behind a young widow and three small children. Yikes!

It’s Normal To Feel Lonely

For some of us, being internally referenced or taking responsibility for all you experience is a foreign concept. I know it was for me. I, like so many of us, believed that my circumstances were designed or slated by some dark fate, bad luck or perhaps my difficult childhood.

While you’re busy trying to sort out who really did what, whose responsibility your life actually is, and healing your heart, I offer you some “here and now” antidotes to feeling desperately lonely. (So you don’t go and find another relationship just like the last one, or just like our friend’s.)

5 Things To Do When You Feel Desperately Lonely

Feel. I say we gotta feel it to heal it. And if we don’t know what we feel, we don’t know what we need. And I discovered something – if I was gentle, waited and sat with myself long enough, I would begin to feel and heal. I spent many nights (and days) just letting the floodgates loose and seeing what was underneath all my anxiety.
Move. Release what’s inside. Let it out. Oh my, can I just tell you that moving saved my life?! Sometimes I had so much energy, so many feelings welled up in me, that I stood in my kitchen barefoot on the hardwood floor and gyrated around spastically flailing my fists at God and everyone, like James Brown on crack. I screamed and cried and danced and collapsed until I was empty.
Read. Yes, it is not easy to quiet that restless mind, so pick books that are inspirational and that will engage you every time. I always had a stack of self-help books and autobiographies nearby, and still do.
Write. One of my single girlfriends told me she writes herself love letters. One every night, and they get longer and longer. Then when she wakes up she reads them to herself. Whatever you have pinging around up there, put it on paper. Doesn’t matter how you do it. Journal, write letters to God (he/she will answer back). Who knows, maybe you’ve got the next NY Times bestseller in there!! I wrote copious amounts of dark, intensely feeling poetry in words from the 13^th century, channeling my “DNA gone bad” from the past. It was so great to get it out of my body!
Collage. I love to collage, as I am very visual. Pulling pictures out of new magazines (great way to recycle) of people, places, and things that made me feel happy or inspired always worked for me. Sometimes I was surprised at what I learned about myself, what I really liked or longed for.

I’m not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!

When Preoccupation With The Stuff Of Life Interferes With Your Love Life

By sarahelizabethmalinak

There are times when the stuff of life gets in the way of good loving. Whether it’s the demands of work, raising children, or friends and family who need extra attention, life is messy and therefore demanding. My husband and I have experienced this lately and stumbled upon a cure for turning our attention back on us as a couple.

The secret to breaking free of preoccupation with the stuff of life is simple and direct. It lies in the nature of who you are as a man and a woman.

Talking Sexy

If your husband is the one who is preoccupied, find moments to talk sexy. Find double entendres in his speech and get the pair of you giggling. Without needing anything from him in return, admire something about him that you find sexy. It could be the sound of his voice, the way he rests his weight on one leg while resting his hands on his hips when he’s standing around waiting for someone, the hair around his temples graying, or the way he handled a difficult situation. Whatever you can admire about your man, do it without a need for attention. In a relaxed atmosphere, your sexy talk and admiration will soften the cloud of preoccupation hovering around him. He’ll rest his handsome eyes on you, take you in, and allow the chemistry between you to percolate.

Talking Her Up

If your wife is the one who is preoccupied, find genuine ways to compliment her. If her hair is especially pretty or her outfit is particularly becoming, tell her so. If she has just cooked a delicious meal, really pour on the praise and do one more thing. Insist on either cleaning up after supper or insist on helping. Even if she is an “I’ve gotta do it my way so don’t get in my way” kind of woman and can actually be irritated by an extra pair of helping hands, then just clear the table for her. Or find her favorite music or something on television she’s keen on to keep her company while she works.

One of the nicest ways to compliment any woman is to notice the things she does to keep the household running smoothly, tell her you appreciate it, and offer to do some of those things so that she can have time to herself to relax. Particularly when she is preoccupied with fresh demands on her, perhaps a good friend is having surgery, for example; you can anticipate some of the stuff she usually takes care of and tell her you will handle it.

Talking Magic

You probably noticed that I suggest you do two completely different things depending on the sex of the person who is preoccupied. That is purposeful, so let me explain. When your spouse is preoccupied while you pine for his or her attention, the best way to get that attention is to get inside his or her head.

Most men are crazy about sex. A woman who can tease and cajole about sexy topics gets her man in touch with the thing that connects him to his heart, sex. That kind of gentle love talk can persuade him to relax and take notice of her like a magic spell. Most women feel as though they give too much. When her man appreciates everything she does, continues to find her attractive, and is proactive about lending a helping hand, he hands her an aphrodisiac that works, again, like magic.

So break through the preoccupation with the stuff of life by putting attention on the things that will speak care, concern, and interest to your spouse the most. While the “stuff” may continue to need his or her attention, you can get a little loving attention for yourself to tide you over till life is normal again.

You Deserve The Truth…Now!

By maryannecomaroto

If it seems ridiculous to ask questions like “when do you want to know that the doctor about to operate on you has been drinking?” or “Would you like to spend four years in school only to find out you had been scammed?” – why aren’t we asking the “relationship equivalents” of these questions? These questions are no more ridiculous than some of the things we do – like getting into a relationship with someone who has no tools or relationship skills! Unless you want to find out the person you want to be in a relationship/are about to have sex with is already married, has two children and is never going to leave their family.

Or the person who has just told you they never want to be without you has said the same thing to five other people, or has an STD. Or the person you just moved in with never wants to get married/have children/is completely self-centered/has never had a successful relationship/possesses no skills when it comes to relationships and is not interested in personal growth whatsoever? Exactly when do you want to find these things out?

Happily Ever After?

I have definitely been a victim of low self-esteem and a believer in Happily Ever After (that is, believing with some “luck” I would fall into the right relationship), but eventually this thinking and belief system caught up with me. My relationship patterns were clear to everyone but me; I only knew I was unhappy, had tried everything I knew to make my relationships work (the focus of my life) by being more accommodating, prettier, sexier, indifferent, hard to get, or aggressive. Eventually, out of frustration, I actually started not to care at all. After my own very spectacular awakening to the “truth” of the way things are – I got down on my knees and prayed to whatever God, anything that would listen, this prayer:

Please show me the way!

It may seemed dramatic but this is how it happened for me – and I know (from speaking with many people) that I am not alone: relationship-or lack of it, really-brought me to my knees. My heart was broken (more than once) and fragile, and I was soul-sick and lost, despite all appearances. I didn’t know what was wrong or what to do, so I surrendered and prayed. That very day my life changed dramatically, forever. It was the end of suffering as I knew it. Someone or something outside myself would never again dictate my fate or happiness.

I have never suffered since!

Having An Open Heart

I feel deeply, of course, my heart is open. And I have still encountered heartache and pain. But that is FAR different from the suffering I was experiencing. My method allows me a daily opportunity to practice being internally referenced, to reach for the tools I have over these years turned into skills that have served me well. With vigilance and passion I cling to the truth of these teachings I was given, as I know the quality of my well-being and life depends on them! Along the way I have been given the privilege and honor of sharing these profound tools and truths with you.

If you love and care about yourself, and believe every moment of your life is precious, you will not consider wasting one moment hoping to find out, some day or down the road the answer to any such critical relationship questions! And that sooner, rather than later. I am going to assume you are interested, as I have been these many years working in the personal development industry, in what it takes to create success anywhere in life.

Creating Success

I have come to find these key ingredients to success: Know who you are and what you want, have a solid plan, acquire the necessary tools and turn them into skills. Cultivating adequate discipline, desire and commitment is also necessary to turn your heart’s desires, the relationship of your dreams, into reality! Only you hardly, if ever, hear that! Most of us learn or observe this relationship scenario: you meet someone, you fall in love (i.e. your heart races, knees go weak, can’t stop thinking of the person) and you live happily ever after.

Well in REAL life, (as opposed to reel life) this usually amounts to disappointment, loss, pain and shutting down our hearts after we repeat this pattern a few times: Look at marriage statistics and the rise in people living single lives. Not having a plan or skills is an increasingly poor choice of a way to attract and create a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship.

Getting Off….Your Phone!

By maryannecomaroto

I was at one of my favorite local restaurants this past weekend and while I was waiting, I noticed two really cute little kids at a table with a well-dressed man who I assumed was their father. This assumed father in an expensive suit was perched like a penguin at a table and it appeared doing his college best to try and talk to his kids, who looked like they were on Prozac.

I thought, awwwww, how nice , a dad, with his kids (okay, yeah, I am a sucker). This guy was talking non-stop about something, blabbing on and on in the general direction of his kids, yet upon closer inspection I noticed the kids weren’t really paying attention at all. Now, clearly this was no company for Socratic dialogue – but still, there was no connect at all.

I thought, hmmm. Is he scolding them? Then I saw him laugh. No, that’s not it. Are they just to young to understand what he’s talking to them about? Yeah, I was really trying to figure out what was going on, to the point that I had almost forgotten what I was doing at the restaurant in the first place. I paid and glanced back over.

Disconnecting To Connect

Nope, same guy, same scene except…wait…a minute. Oh, no…is that guy? Could he be? No…. I squinted my eyes, looked closely across the room, and zeroed in on his ear reflected in the mirror, and sure enough…I swear I almost shouted “OH MY GOD, HE’S ON THE PHONE!!” I gasped instead. That whole time, instead of trying to do what I naively gave him credit for, almost shed a tear over, he was on the f-ing phone.

Now everything made sense. Now I saw why these kids looked like they were in a dead zone. Oh, the judgments flew, and they were flying everywhere. And you’re right; I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I was way beyond giving this guy the benefit of the doubt – to be fair he could’ve been on the phone with a sick relative, or talking another kid through a crisis.

So I caught myself – I didn’t know why this guy was on the phone, or why his kids looked drugged. And is it any of my business? Some would say no, some would say it takes a village.

A Responsibility To Your Family Or A Responsibility To Your Phone?

I see it so much now, parents-hell, people of all ages-who are with each other but not where they are, obviously wanting to connect, but not present to being connected. I watch young kids’ digits manipulate with their opposables, texting like fiends, like junkies, while in the car, while driving the car, parking, talking, walking, riding bikes, skateboards, eating in restaurants. It’s like we should all have the friggin’ phones surgically attached to our bodies! Or, how about, hang up the bloody phone once and a while?

Let’s take a look at what some modern-day respect and responsibility might look like …

If you are driving in the presence of other human beings, hang up the phone-you are putting them in danger. At least, use the speaker. You wanna kill yourself, that’s your decision. The rest of us want to live.
If you have children and feel burdened by their presence and wish they were not with you, get help, give them up for adoption, or at least try and talk to people you care about less than them during business hours or when they’re sleeping. Kids need attention, respect, to feel safe and to have an enlightened witness to see them!
Basically pay attention to where you are and the effect you may be having on other people. If it seems rude, it probably is. Just walk outside or keep your voice down. Manners are how we show each other respect!

Of course, I – like everyone else -have a phone. But I try like the dickens to be sensitive, both in regards to my phone etiquette and just in general. Lately, every Friday I try and leave my phone at home for several hours, practicing what it was like when people had to wait. I highly recommend it.

Do You Stash Cash?

By drbonnieeakerweil

No, I’m not talking about an emergency supply you may have in a kit for a natural disaster or the like (in which case you SHOULD stash your money!), I’m talking about those of us who have a habit of keeping our cash around the house. It’s even more understandable given the recent collapse of banks and all this uncertainty, but consider the example – albeit extreme – of the woman in Tel Aviv who had stashed $1 million in cash under her mattress (literally), which was then hauled away to the dump. The cash still hasn’t been recovered.

According to MSNBC, statistics on the number of people in the U.S. who stash cash at home are hard to come by, but a 2007 survey of 1,500 British adults by Virgin Money found 8 percent of them stash between approximately $500 to $1,650 around the house, usually tucked within a drawer, mattress or safe.

Locked Up Tight?

Utilizing a safe may be one thing, but too often cash-stashers don’t secure their loot behind a combination lock, which can lead to all kinds of problems – the money accidentally being thrown out, donated (when stashed inside a jacket pocket for instance), or stolen. Then you have the risk of fire or even forgetting where you put it!

An exercise I suggest in my book to people who have unhealthy relationships to and with money is to figure out their financial Imago, which I discuss in my book Financial Infidelity – which deals with peoples’ romantic relationships as well as their relationship with money.

Your Relationship With Money

Depending on your stage in life, and your stage in the relationship, there are crucial questions you need to answer. How do you feel about debt? How much debt do you have? Are you a risk-taker or are you risk-averse? Will the kids go to private school? Will we fund their college education in its entirety? Who will pay when we go out? How often will we go out and how often will we eat in?

Of course, these are only a few, sample questions to touch on before you head into significant life changes, but they are a good place to start. Many times you many not even know how to answer those questions yourself, much less how you will answer them as a couple. And just as often, you will have a knee-jerk reaction as to how to answer them that may be completely opposite from your partners. It’s always best to get those reactions out in the open before you find yourself “in the heat of battle!”

If you uncover that your passion for stashin’ is somewhat hereditary, you may want to go around emptying out drawers of heirloom dressers … JUST KIDDING!