Relationship Advice

When Should You Talk About Money In Your Relationship?

Finances and budgets can be touchy subjects, so it may seem completely counter-intuitive to discuss money-related issues early on in a relationship, but this is exactly when it needs to happen. I’m not suggesting you ask for a breakdown of the other person’s assets or that you inquire as to how much they make. And I’m not setting forth the idea that you lead your first date with questions about finances, bills, debt, etc. You need somewhat of a foundation to a relationship before you start discussing some of these tougher subjects.

Are You Comfortable With Talking About Money?

In some ways, this financial discussion has gotten a bit easier as we as a society have become somwhat more comfortable talking about money overall. More people talk about how much their rent or mortgage payments are. More people discuss bonuses at work, the great travel deals they got, or how much they paid to repair their car. It’s not taboo anymore and this is good news for introducing these topics into a relationship. You might be able to learn quite a bit about your significant other’s financial situation just through the routine of normal conversation. Certain topics aren’t considered prying, and don’t feel like you’re being nosy – finding out some basic details about your potential partner’s financial situation should be as important as finding out if you’re emotionally compatible (I discuss both these types of compatibility in my book, Financial Infidelity).

What About When?

So, back to the “when” question. There’s no point in delineating the finer points of relationship finances if there’s no future to the relationship. It usually takes some time to figure this out, so I can’t answer the question of exactly when for you. I can say that there comes a point when you’re comfortable enough with each other to talk about more difficult subjects. But don’t use your comfortability as an excuse to put it off. You only need to figure out basics in the beginning, and you likely won’t be completely at ease as money can still have somewhat of a stigma attached to it. Here are some guidelines for generalities you should know early on in the relationship:

-Ask questions about how money has been used in their family: worries, abandonment, shame, blame around money.

-Asking questions like this will eliminate any problems or irreconcilable differences, and is a way to see who is flexible and who is not, in reference to money and power, and struggles over money.

-Do a budget for yourself (if you don’t already have one) to help answer some of these questions for yourself.

As you move forward in your relationship, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.

Women Spend More When The Going Gets Tough

By drbonnieeakerweil

A new survey found that 79% of women said they would go on a spending spree to cheer themselves up, concluding that some women use shopping as an emotion regulator, “a way of anesthetising themselves to negative feelings or dissatisfaction with life.” Ironically, this means worrying about money could lead women to spend more.

Spending During A Recession?

SO – if you find yourself wrecking the budget during a financial crisis – when you should be more concerned with keeping money matters in check – you’re not alone. Of course, this doesn’t let you off the hook! The survey – conducted by Professor Karen Pine, from the University of Hertfordshire – uncovers the fact that women are more inclined to spend themselves out of misery when they’re financially strapped, than the times when they’re not. A lack of money is stressful, and the way many women deal with stress is to, well, spend more! Thus, ironically, the recession could actually force more women to overspend.

As I’ve studied addiction over the years, I’ve seen similar behaviors. Of the 700 women in this survey, four out of ten of the women named ‘depression’, and six out of ten named ‘feeling a bit low’, as reasons to go on a spending spree and overspend. This can either lead to, or be symptomatic of, what I’ve come to call financial infidelity – spending money you don’t have behind a partner’s back. Or, if you’re single: simply spending money you don’t have in violation of your budgetary restrictions!

Just as an individual may turn to an illicit love affair to provide the biochemical feelings of connection and experience the thrill of a new romance, over and over again, so, too, they may turn to risky financial behavior for stimulation to give them a high, and get them out of a “funk” or a depression down-turn.

Can Spending Be A Drug?

Not all the women in the survey felt cheered up by the shopping experience. One in four had experienced feelings of regret, guilt or shame after buying something in the week prior to the survey. And seven out of ten women had worried about money during the same period.

The behaviors that stimulate the feelings that drive many to shop when they shouldn’t can easily become addictive, and that’s when it moves into more dangerous territory. As the survey suggests, the ability to regulate emotions is crucial for mental and physical wellbeing and humans adopt a variety of means of doing so, including drugs and alcohol. Shopping is one method increasingly adopted by women, and a Stanford University study identifies one in twenty Americans as compulsive shoppers.

Shopping when feeling depressed is akin to the behaviors that are triggered by other types of addiction. Take stock of your emotions, and the times you feel most prone to engage in a little “retail therapy.” If you’re indulging in spite of your budget – or worse, because of it – you may be headed down a dangerous path that will be unhealthy both financially and emotionally. Work to re-wire the pattern of thinking that leads you to shopping, opting instead for spending time with friends, trying something new like taking a class, head to the gym, or use your energies to volunteer. Work to divert your energy and attention into something positive – the possibilities are nearly endless!

Learning From Michael Jackson

By drbonnieeakerweil

With Michael Jackson’s passing recently, the world lost a great musician who contributed infinitely to our cultural and musical landscape – he touched so many different worlds from fashion to culture to music and beyond. But there’s no doubt that he lived rather tragically toward the end of his life. From a perspective of the outside looking in, there are a few things we can learn from him in the realm of relationships and finances (and a lot more in many other areas as well!):

What’s your “Imago”?

How do you look at your money based on your past? This is tricky for most of us and no doubt even trickier for someone who starts in show biz as a kid, but it’s an important step to take in having a healthy financial outlook. The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances – which leads to my next point.

Engage In Dialogue

I teach a technique called “Smart Heart Dialogue” where I instruct people on how to talk about money and other volatile topics within their closest relationships. Perhaps Michael Jackson had a close confidant – and I hope he did – but he seemed isolated and when we shy away from having someone who we can have real, difficult situations with is crucial to connecting on a personal, fundamental level.

Don’t Give Into Financial Infidelity

Whether we have enough money or we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity can still be taking place. Financial Infidelity (as I talk about in my book by the same name) like sexual infidelity, is spurred on by feelings of stress, loss and separation. As with any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. I call this the “biochemical craving for connection,” as the addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again. It’s something that’s understandably developed by people who are always “on,” who feel they always have to be on top.

Your Money Gram

Along these lines, I strongly believe that doing a “money gram” is one of the most crucial things you can do for yourself to understand what your financial history and tendencies are. This will help you to understand your attitudes, fears, beliefs and patterns in your money history. It may draw attention to issues you weren’t aware of. Ask questions like “how was money handled in my family?” “Was I aware of any financial troubles as a kid?” “How did this affect my view of money?” “Was money used as punishment or reward?” How has this influences my finances as an adult?”

Is There Such Thing As TOO MUCH Self-Help?

By maryannecomaroto

My answer to this question is: “yes.” I came to this conclusion in my mid-30s after asking myself this very thing over and over. At the time I was well, I guess what you could call obsessed with self-esteem-building, spirit-lifting, relationship-advising, co-dependent, neurotic, feminist, esoteric, astrological, paleontological, philosophical paradigms and relief. There was enough of it in my personal library to diagnose and heal several galaxies.

Looking For Self-Help?

I had it all – from the esoteric to Far East philosophies to New Age modalities and even the dead: Kierkegaard, Swedenborg, Kant, Borges. And I didn’t stop there: I devoured books on sex, business, the inner workings of the mind and ecstatic dance. If it was nonfiction and said “help” ANYWHERE in or on the book, I READ IT! I was on a path (with frequent intermissions) to find out EXACTLY how to be free and NOT suffer unless absolutely necessary. Spoiler alert: I ended up finding what I was looking for, but not in the way I thought I would. As you might imagine, I was over-loaded, and this form of my quest came to an abrupt halt at 33. I had crossed a line.

And funnily enough, just prior to that I had asked myself—or rather, I heard that still small voice that I hear and know as the Great Divine inside of me say… “Maryanne…dear. Can it be, after so many years of relentless pursuit of the internal fortress you seek, that the answer does not lie somewhere in even one of these books?”

When Self-Help Lies Within Yourself

I was actually embarrassed, because in all this time it was like that notion had been too simple to even cross my mind. Yet in that moment, I realized how truly profound it was. When you come down to it, awakening and staying awake is not a new concept. Yes, we are complicated beings, but many great people have devoted their lives to taking on the complex material of spiritual laws and have done a really tremendous job of breaking it down for us. Yet there I was, face-to-face with a question that led me across the abyss of awareness – KNOWING all the stuff that was in all those books didn’t really help me at all! – to transformation.

It was time, at last, to take all “I knew” and actually create a practice. You see, I had become addicted to the buzz. A self-help junkie. And why not? I am pretty sure that of all my addictions this one actually paid off! But like all things the time had come for me to fish or cut bait. Change or die—well, I wanted to die, anyway.

Don’t Force It – It Will Come Naturally!

SO – I woke up! Yup. Just like that. For me it took what it took, and, like all of us on a path, it takes what it takes – we can’t force it, and we can’t expect it. It just happens.. So could it be that had I read one book fewer I would have had my awakening, being delivered from suffering? Would I not have found that which I had sought my entire life? I can never know, it seems.

What I do know is that when asked the question: “What do you want? And what are you willing to do about it?” The answer for me was simple. I wanted true freedom of being and freedom from suffering. I said a prayer. “God, please show me the way!” And I woke up. But not before I had spent almost twenty years trying everything else!

That “Mothering” Tone Of Voice And Behavior Does Not Work For A Man: Which Means It Doesn’t Work for You!

By sarahelizabethmalinak

“How can we have a loving relationship with anyone if we spend most of the time thinking about how awful it (the relationship) is?” ~ Joseph Bailey

I found that awesome quote online today along with a woman’s wonderful response to it. She talked about how she used to disrespect her husband and denigrate her marriage. As a Christian, she’d come to understand that words have the power of life and death in them. It’s a powerful push to take responsibility for every word that proceeds from your mouth! She said she was learning how to uplift and encourage her husband, sowing seeds of positive potential in herself, her husband, and their marriage. She also said it was working.

Are You Mothering – And Emasculating – Your Man?

The other day, I overheard some young women discussing their men. Some were married and others were in committed relationships. But they were all complaining about two things. One was how they themselves have no faith in their men that their men can do anything around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together “right.” So, they were complaining about the narrowness of their own viewpoints. The other thing they were complaining about is how their men can do nothing around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together right! They saw the problem in themselves but, ultimately, refused to take full responsibility for it.

As they continued to share, I overheard women talking about their men using emasculating, mothering tones of voices. As they reported conversations they’d had with their men, it quickly became apparent that they used those tones of voices face to face with their men. Even I, one of the leading experts on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, found it astonishing that these women had no idea how they sounded or what kind of damage those mothering tones of voices do to their relationships.

One of the women shared how her husband sometimes told her that he didn’t want to hear her talk to him that way anymore. He didn’t want her constant correcting of him or how he ran his life. In about a second, she shifted from overbearing mother figure to fragile, little girl defending her actions and words because this is the only way she knows how to love. The problem right there is that this woman only knows how to relate to her man, probably to all men, as either a mother or a little girl. She isn’t fully established in her femininity, in her grown up woman self. Sadly, she is clueless about the problem or how to fix it.

The solution is simple but requires self-discipline. If you are a woman like this or if you are in a relationship with a woman like this; pay attention. The following advice could change your life!

See Your Man In A Whole New Light – And Improve Your Relationship

First of all, stop using the mothering tone of voice. Your upbringing may have taught you that you are superior to men, but that was a lie. You are not. Continuing to believe you are will result in further damaging your relationship and any chance of being truly happy in a relationship.

Secondly, stop believing he cannot do it right. Whatever “it” is, his way is as valid as yours. It doesn’t matter if you are more efficient, experienced, neat, tidy, etc. His way is as valid as yours.

Third, actively practice choosing to sit still, keep quiet, and trust him. Treat him like the adult he is, as the adult you are. You may rediscover how funny, mysterious, and lovely the opposite sex can be.

Those three things are easier said than done. That is why it takes self-discipline to make a difference in this particular circumstance. But it can be done. You will find that every time you succeed, you feel that explosive giggle threatening to erupt, exposing your relief to not have to be in control! More importantly, every time you fail, you will discover another opportunity to try again is right around the corner. You are used to delivering a scolding, mothering tone of voice to the person you hold most dear – a person who is a grown man and not a little boy. Beware of turning that scolding tone on yourself. The fourth step that underpins the first three is to release the need to judge you yourself harshly. It will help you cease judging everyone else harshly too.

Life is too short for so much control and harshness ruling your life! Go for the gold in your relationship. That means choose love, compassion, understanding, and fulfillment for yourself and the pair of you. You, he, and your relationship are worth it.