Relationship Advice

Trust And Ultimatums – Can I Trust Her?

Many relationships are built on trust and honesty – in fact, many relationship counselors and therapists would insist that you have to have a foundation of trust and honesty to have a healthy and successful relationship. What happens when your partner breaks that trust? Do you give them an ultimatum? How do you learn to trust them again?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend tends to lie about the little things and I’m not sure that she’ll be honest with me on the big things. I know ultimatums are bad, but in this case would it be wrong to tell her that if she doesn’t stop lying, I’m going to end the relationship?

–Tony, Alabama

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuU3PD-iwNI&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Ultimatums

Generally, ultimatums of any kind are a bad idea. Do you like being given ultimatums? Chances are, the answer is probably “no.” Ultimatums often cause more strife and heartache than the original problem did to begin with. If the trust in your relationship has been broken – for example, if you’ve been lied to – and an ultimatum is out of the question, what do you do?

Lies And Learned Behaviors

There are many different types of lies. Small lies, which are considered “white” lies, and the big, black kind that can really get you in trouble if you’re found out. There’s also lying by omission. If your partner lies to you – whether it’s a string of little white lies or a big black one, it can make you feel insignificant, frustrated and even angry. Before you make any big decisions though, think about this: sometimes lying is a learned behavior! Learned behaviors stem from childhood and the kind of environment someone was raised in. If your partner lies to you often, even if they’re little white lies, consider that they may have had to do this as a “mode of survival” in their childhood. Of course, if that is the case, undoing learned behaviors requires some good, old fashioned relationship counseling and therapy.

You Can’t Change People – But Can You Learn To Deal With Them?

So your partner may be lying to you – but how bad is it? Think about the good things in your relationship as well as the bad and make a list if you have to. You can’t change people, but you can change your reactions to people. By really sitting down and thinking about what is great in your relationship and what you love about your partner, as well as what you don’t, you can begin to decide which outweighs the other. Are you prepared to accept the little white lies because your partner is great in every other way? Is it something you can handle? Or are the lies bad enough that you’d rather end the relationship? Think about what you’re willing to do.

Talking To Your Partner

Of course, you need to talk to your partner about how you feel, but you can do so positively and without an ultimatum. If you’ve decided to accept your partner for how they are, let them know that their behavior sometimes does bother you but you love them anyways. They may feel incentive to change how they act on their own. If it’s a break up talk, be sure and let your partner know that you truly care about them, but the lies are unacceptable and it’s not something you’re ready or willing to deal with.

Find A Man Whose Breath Stops Short At The Sight Of You

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Perhaps it is because I don’t have a daughter to give advice to, but sometimes I think back to the girl I was in my teens and twenties and long to give her the counsel I now have available from this forty-something perspective. Yesterday, I ran across something a man wrote that captures advice I would give. I think the advice strikes a more golden chord because it comes from a man. So, I want to share it with you today.

You Deserve It!

If you are a woman reading this, do pay attention because you are worthy of this counsel! Whether you are single or in a relationship, you deserve to be treated with care, love, and adoration. In a word, you deserve to be cherished. If you don’t know this about yourself, you may be in the habit of acting out in ways that get you disrespected and abused. Or you may be in the habit of surrendering to disrespect and abuse because you don’t value yourself enough to insist on better treatment. The advice I am about to give through a poem a man wrote is best received the better you love yourself.

If you are a man reading this, the advice I will quote from this man is like a magic key. You treat the woman you love this way and, if she loves herself enough, she will respond in such a way that you might feel you don’t really deserve her. But if you treat her this way, you do deserve her! Just keep on loving her.

What Kind of Man
By Colin Martin

Find a man, who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
Who calls you back when you hang up on him,
Who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the man, who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,
Who holds your hand in front of his friends,
Who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on.

A man who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares
And how lucky he is to have YOU.

A man who turns to his friends and says, “That’s her…”

Why Do People Get Into Relationship Trouble?

The number one reason people get into relationship trouble is because they do not love themselves enough to have standards of behavior that protect them from being hurt. People who love themselves command respect. It doesn’t mean they never get hurt. But attracting abuse and chronic hurt either doesn’t happen or doesn’t occur for very long with those who love themselves. Their love runs deep enough that they are able to practice the tough love that sets good boundaries. They are able to practice the tough love that sets good examples for how to live and love.

Think about Colin’s poem today. If you are a man, does it apply to your marriage or romantic relationship? If you are single, can it apply to you the next time you fall in love? And will it apply six months, a year, six years later?

If you are a woman, can you believe down to your pretty toes that you are deserving of such affection? When you believe it, you will attract it.

I’m raising my glass in cheers to you, hoping it is so.

Women Bringing Home The Bacon In A Recession

By drbonnieeakerweil

I’ve noted before that more and more women are making more than their partners and spouses, and although statistically in many jobs, men still make more than women, the balance of monetary “power” in many relationships is shifting. So how is this balance holding up in the recession? Turns out, it’s shifting even more toward women as their status as breadwinner continues to become more and more prevalent. According to a New York Times study. over the passed year – as companies from Citibank to GM announced massive layoffs, 82 percent of the people getting laid off have been men. It won’t be long before women become the majority of the American workforce.

Is This Good News?

This can be both good and bad news. It’s good because more women being primary money-makers is an opportunity to finally disprove the outdated idea that supporting a family is a man’s job. But on the other hand, for many, this isn’t what they had in mind. Being forced into a breadwinning role because of far less-than-stellar circumstances is probably far from what most women had in mind. Making more than a partner because the partner is out of work is not really something positive.

CNN.com talked to a few women who know about these pros and cons first hand. One women laments that now her boyfriend of 17 years has become needy, saying, “We haven’t gone out to a restaurant since and are buying store brands at the market. He’d never admit it, but he’s become more needy. When I’ve had a stressful day at work, it’s hard to come home and be upbeat and supportive.”

Another woman blames the recession for her breakup, as her boyfriend had to relocate to find work: “Between September and January, my boyfriend has been laid off four times. He applied for tons of jobs in Los Angeles, but got zero response. Then he posted his resume in Boston, where he’s from. He got 10 calls quickly. We decided it was best for him to move back to Boston. The recession has split us up.”

Yet another working woman explains how the duties have shifted to her stay-at-home spouse: “My husband Paul is now responsible for keeping the house clean, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking our son to practices, helping with homework, plus walking the dog.”

Communicating With Your Partner Is The Key

I’ve always stressed in my practice and with my patients, the power of non-judgmental communication, or what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue.” This type of communication is even more important now, when egos are fragile, stress abounds, and tempers are short. It’s important that each person give the other a place in which they can be honest and – just as importantly – a place where each person knows the other is going to take their honesty to heart. What good is a conversation if no change comes from the concerns voiced? It’s crucial to have constant, two-way communication, but each person must also be committed to making reasonable changes if necessary and compromising when applicable.

3 Simple Secrets To Staying In The Moment

By greghalpen

Create a Relationship Success Plan PLUS the gift of Presence

As single gay men, we’ve had to endure some pretty heavy stuff in our lives and for the most part, it was stuff pretty much out of our control. We’ve had to work through coming out to friends and family. Some have even had to endure the pain of their parent’s being unreceptive, and how about the gay men who are secret at work because they are in fear of losing their jobs?

Think about this: How can you be present while carrying around so much baggage?

A very special spiritual teacher, who I hold a great deal of respect for, Eckhart Tolle said that, “The only thing that can free you from the past (or future) is “Presence”. I added the future part. : ) How often does the past hold you in its grasp? Do you often dream of a better life? Do you fantasize about the perfect relationship, but believe it will never happen? There is absolutely no way you can enjoy the gifts, the freedom, and the joy of pure love, if you are constantly bringing the past instead of bringing presence.

It’s Time To Bring It!

What I mean by being present, is not allowing the past or the future to take over and dictate your life decisions. You know what I’m talking about; when our buttons get pushed; when we show up for a first date; when there is conflict with your partner; communicating when your needs aren’t being met or when your boss gives you feedback and you take it so personally it paralyzes you.

Your Relationship Success Assignment:

So, what do you do when you feel like you’re slipping into the past or rushing off to the future? Well, I have good news? There is a way where you can calm your heart, settle your stomach and ease into emotional freedom AND get clear on what kind of relationship you want. So let me help you out here by sharing three SIMPLE SECRETS to staying in the moment so you wont miss Mr. Wonderful.

Relationship Success Secret #1

If you are dead serious about ending the cycle of repeating same poor choices over and over, then you’ll make it your practice to be vigilant, self-observant, and welcome the moment. Like most things in life when it comes to mastering something, it takes practice and discipline. Also it takes willingness to keep trying.

Why not go the extra mile by setting up a reminder on your computer calendar? Allow yourself 15 minutes of stillness each day to remember “Presence”. Also, having a presence buddy will make this 100% easier. It kicks things up a notch when you have an accountability partner.

Believe me, you will NEVER look at dating and relationships the same way.

Relationship Success Secret #2

Say YES to whatever is happening NOW (Bad or Good). Allow for whatever is happening to happen, without judgment. ex. You’re watching the daily news (not something that I do) and a story comes up that is very disturbing or violent. Instead of tripping over furniture for the clicker or cursing yourself for watching it, allow yourself to watch the section without judgment while saying gently to yourself, “I allow this to pass through me.”

What many of us do when it comes to bad dating and relationships and family history is, we tend to block them out as if the experiences never happened. This is a VITAL mistake and only leads to strong resentments and repeating patterns.

Relationship Success Secret #3

Know that life isn’t perfect; hopefully sooner, rather than later, you WILL sense spaciousness around whatever happens in your life. Everything will seem to balance out and when conflicts do arise, you will know how to approach them and let them go.

Sex On Her Period – Should You Or Shouldn’t You?

By chickinheels

Is it filthy? Is it taboo? Is it simply natural? No matter what you think, everyone surely has their opinion when it comes to this topic – sex during her period. Do you? Don’t you? Have you? Should you? Along with everything else, it’s clearly a very personal choice. For now, I’ll give you a few things to consider.

How Does She Feel About It?

First and foremost I believe the option of having sex during her period has an awful lot to do with how the woman feels about it. During her time is she the type who experiences mood swings or has to deal with horrible cramping?? Is she normally withdrawn during this particular time of the month? These are all very legitimate reasons she may wish to avoid sex during her period. As with anything, if this topic is brought up you could be turned down, however – there is ALSO the chance that this may be something you could explore and perhaps, come to enjoy!!

Ironically, sex can potentially alleviate some of the discomfort that menstruation presents for a woman. Contrary to popular opinion, sex can actually help to relieve a headache – cramping or general feelings of low energy. Sex promotes blood flow which can often times minimize headaches and even possibly relax cramping… not to mention the obvious tension release! Sex can also be a great kick-start to feel re-energized during a downswing of your mood… Yes, endorphins do this!! An attempt couldn’t hurt – if it’s not for you then at least you know. If it works then it may broaden a whole new experience going forward.

What If The Guy Doesn’t Like It?

Now if it’s the guy who would rather avoid the dirty lovin’ at this time that’s a whole other situation. For many guys a woman’s time of month is a turn off. I believe this is mainly a mental reaction because physically things aren’t all that different when Aunt Flo is visiting. If this is something your woman wants to try and you are hesitant because of the sight of blood, how about turning off the lights?? If all goes according to plan, once you are turned on and ready to go – your focus will likely be on how things FEEL versus how they may look. There is always the option of using a condom if you prefer a little less clean up not to mention the obvious protection from risk, which should be assumed anyways. Get yourself a large towel to spread over the bed sheets and off you go!

So, if you’re into the idea of having sex while on her period and you’ve moved beyond any hesitations then we can take things to the next level, oral sex. Many people who don’t take issue with having sex on her period draw the line with oral sex. Again, everything regarding intimacy and one’s comfort level is based on personal choice. What many don’t consider when it comes to period sex is that flow levels in a woman vary throughout her time. Sure there will be heavier days where you can expect a little more fluid but there are also lighter days which might be a good time to venture into making an attempt.

Can You Have Oral Sex During Her Period?

Oral sex during her time can stay focused on her clitoris which is mainly away from the flow and wouldn’t be quite as shocking, while still giving her oral pleasure. If she is on her back there is also less potential for mess. You can also use oral dams (like a condom for your mouth/oral sex) at this time of month which are made for the purpose of protecting you from STD’s of course, but can also help to ease you into oral sex during this time. In return, if she is not comfortable with giving you oral sex after you’ve ‘gotten messy’ she can put a condom on you (a fresh one) when she goes down.

If you are in a committed relationship and are having unprotected sex then it’s up to your level of desire for attempting oral sex during her time. If you are both into trying, I recommend giving it a shot.
During a woman’s period this can also be a time where the surge of hormones can create a heightened sense of libido. A heightened libido can certainly benefit sexual activity. If you’ve practiced this before you’ll know that period sex isn’t all that shocking really. Sure it can be a little messier then usual but sometimes that just adds to the kink! If this is something you may wish to try, take my advice – embrace mother nature and enjoy sex at any time of the month from now on.