Money is a difficult topic to talk about – no matter how close you are with the other person, how long you’ve known them and how much you trust them.

This is evidenced by the fact that money troubles is one of the top causes of divorce. Any one of a number of money-related topics can be difficult to deal with, but confronting your significant other if you suspect them of lying about money is one of the harder discussions to have.

If one person in a relationship is going behind the other’s back when it comes to finances, there could be a number of things he or she is doing with the money – they could be spending it on themselves, they could be keeping some out of their paycheck for themselves (if this wasn’t already agreed upon), they could have been dishonest about the cost of a purchase – and the list goes on and on.

Is Your Partner Lying About Spending Money?

What’s perhaps more important than where and how this money is being spent, is WHY this money is being spent. When you confront your partner about their behavior, don’t judge or get angry. The person doing the spending could be afraid of the reaction they’ll get if they were to tell the truth, and by introducing anger into the discussion, you’re doing just the thing they’re fearful of.

Instead, provide what I call a “soft landing” using my Money Love Language, which I talk about in “Financial Infidelity.” Create and environment of empathy, clarity and validation – not shame.

There are a couple of exercises put forth in my book that are beneficial in this instance. Utilizing the Money Gram helps you how your money history – it uncovers why you spend by looking at the patterns from your family and your past.

Was money dealt with in a secretive way? Have you been treated like a child in the past in regards to money? The second exercise is Mirror, Mirror which shows where the person spends, why they’re inclined to spend, and calls for transparency.

What Can You Do?

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is prone to hide purchases or lie about finances, it’s important to reward them when they’re NOT spending instead of getting mad when they ARE. This helps encourage honesty and builds an environment of safety that the spender will feel safe in.

Have you ever met someone whom, when you’re with them, time just seems to disappear? You are talking to them for what feels like five minutes and all of a sudden you realize it’s actually been five hours. Do you ever get lost in somebody so much that you feed off of each other’s energy? Then as you’re feeding off each other’s energy, you just want to learn more and more about that person.

Really Getting To Know Someone

You not only want to know what they’re all about, you want to know everything about them. You want to know what they were like as a kid, what they’re afraid of, what they feel, what their favorite things are, their favorite foods, their favorite bands and their favorite vacation spots. Every time you learn something about them, you want to learn more. You want to know what they like to do, because the more you talk to them the more you get lost in this incredible world you’re in when you’re talking to them. Have you every met somebody with whom you can sit across a table at a restaurant for three hours without even one moment of silence? I’m not really even talking, though, about moments of silence. I’m talking about how you feed off each other’s energy. It’s the way you laugh, the way you smile and the way you talk. It’s how every time one of you tells a story that the other will have a story having to do with the same subject, and you find you connect in so many different ways. Every time you get to learn more about them, their energy keeps going into you. You feel more of their energy, get to know more of their energy and you crave more of their energy. You start to crave that connection you have with them.

Getting Lost In Time

You just get lost in time, and time doesn’t matter. You could be absolutely exhausted at the end of a long day when you speak with them, then all of a sudden a five minute conversation turns into a three hour conversation because you feed off of each other’s energy. It’s like a high. You get this incredible feeling when you talk to that person. You get lost in time. Really, what is “lost in time?” Lost in time is just amazing chemistry with somebody. The reason we all spend so much time hoping and desiring to find someone is so we can have the feeling of being “lost in time.” There’s nothing better than feeling lost in time with somebody, because time doesn’t really matter. If you think about it, there’s no such thing as time. What matters is the feelings and emotions you experience in every given situation. So the next time you meet somebody and you get lost in a little world with them, enjoy it! That is what magic is all about . . . connecting with another person, feeding off of everything they say and wanting to learn every little thing about them. This is what you experience when you get lost in time with someone.

Is Something Magical Happening?

You know what else is magical about getting lost in time? It’s the moment you realize something magical is happening. You know it. You can feel it. Your gut and your intuition tell you. Then you savor every moment. It’s like every phone conversation is just amazing. Every time you hang out, it’s amazing. The feeling of getting to know somebody with whom you truly connect and share intense chemistry is incredible. I know personally that I savor every moment, because when you meet somebody with whom you get lost in time when you hang with them then you know something special and magical is happening. You need to really just embrace it and realize these “lost in time” moments are something that will put a smile on your face for a long time. My brother and his wife are a great example of this. If you would ask my brother what the most magical feeling was when he met his wife, he would say it was the first year they spent together because that’s when they built the foundation for a lifetime of love. He remembers every conversation, the first cuddle and every kiss, because being able to experience magic with somebody is a gift. That magic is something that all of us are craving, and that we all desire. The problem some of us have is that we are scared to death of it. We’re scared to death of letting go, so we can actually have this. The amazing thing about getting lost in time with someone is knowing they’re on the same page with you. It takes two strong people to let down all the walls and enjoy the moment. There is nothing more powerful than getting lost in time. I know, because I’m experiencing it and I’m enjoying every second of whatever we call time.

One thing the financial crisis has shown us – now more than ever before – is that power is closely tied to money. Bernard Madoff is a good example. He saw a weakness in the system and took advantage of people and companies – to the tune of around $50 billion. Madoff’s downfall – and others like him – help show that now – more than ever – it’s important to be financially accountable.

Being Open And Honest About Finances With Your Partner

You may not have access to other people’s money, you may not be able to play the stock market against the odds. In fact, you may be on the other side of the fence along with most Americans: cutting back and trying to avoid a financial catastrophe of a different kind. But in both of these situations, being honest with your partner about your finances is crucial.

I suggest using the techniques I put forth in my book, Financial Infidelity, to figure out what factors influence how you think about – and talk about – money. I call this your MoneyGram – it’s your “financial makeup” if you will. Delving into your familial financial history can be enlightening to both yourself and your partner and can help you discover money behaviors and relationship dynamics within your family. This analysis will allow you to predict, prevent, overcome and solve money behaviors you face now – and in the future, including a dislike for discussing money.

How You View Your Money

As I mention in my book, Financial Infidelity, the dynamic of viewing money as a game of power in a relationship can have a significant impact on a couple’s shared finances. When faced with a crisis, risk takers, who generally take a “don’t worry, don’t plan” approach to money management, may make rash decisions that result in emotional and financial catastrophes for them and/or their partners. This can be especially problematic in this economic climate, where markets, accounts and careers are already primed for financial catastrophes anyway! It is crucial during these times of extreme crisis and/or risk that decisions be well though through, discussed openly, and ANYTHING but rash!

In order to successfully navigate the power struggles that occur around money, it is important to know how comfortable both you and you partner are with financial risk. It is also important to consider your relationship’s power dynamic and your personal relationship to money and power. Acknowledging these different perspectives can help you to understand where your partner is coming from when you find that you are locked in a power struggle about money.

Recognizing your financial past (your money gram) and understanding eachothers’ risk-taking tendencies can help mitigate personal financial struggles.