Relationship Advice

The Psychology of Overspending

I talked recently about the psychology of money and it’s mental, and very real, implication in our daily lives. In light of the recession and economic woes many are facing, I’d like to take that one step further and talk about the psychology of money problems.

The Sex and Money Study

The original study connects money and sex and shows that when young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to take a bigger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary.

Perhaps not-so-surprisingly, the arousing pictures lit up the same part of the brain that also lit up when financial risks are taken. The study focused on the sex and money “hub” of the brain, which is near the base of the brain and plays a central role in what you consider to be pleasurable.

How Money Affects the Sex Hub of the Brain

The flip side is also true and it’s likely you don’t need a study to tell you that financial hardship can adversely affect the sex “hub” of the brain, and make for some rough going in your relationship. Money takes an emotional toll on individuals and couples when there’s not enough to go around, or not as much as you’re used to having.

Ironically it seems that people are much more willing to discuss sex and relationships than they are to discuss finances, but having a financial conversation is just as important. Circumventing this discussion can lead one or both people to act out and commit Financial Infidelity.

When Financial Infidelity Occurs

This type of infidelity often occurs when one person is looking for that emotional high and begins engaging in thrill seeking behavior like overspending, buying big ticket items behind their partners’ back, etc. Basically, doing something that feels good in the moment but has harmful repercussions later.

Of course it tends to be a fact of life that emotions get tangled up in money. Look no further than recent recession/stock market news: in spite of the fact that most people KNEW there was a down turn in the economy, the stock market still plunged on the news of the recession.

But this emotional connection doesn’t mean finances, whether things are going well or poorly, have to be a negative aspect of your relationship.

Obviously honesty is important, and it’s VERY important to be honest and not let the stresses, problems and temptations in your relationship get to the point of an infidelity! Learning how to talk through things you face, both as an individual and a couple, can be crucial to building a strong relationship.

What Stories Are You Telling Yourself About Your Partner?

By sarahelizabethmalinak

A habit anyone can fall into that causes relationship stress is believing the stories we make up about our romantic partners.

People can get tied up in knots inside because they believe the person they love the most is untrustworthy, controlling, dismissive, bossy, or any number of other things that have less to do with their partner’s reality than with their perception of the partner.

If we share those made up stories with our friends, we can get some serious confirmation that the relationship is about to fail! However, that confirmation is based on fantasy, not reality!

Stories Turned Into Fantasy

The stories we make up about our romantic partners may begin with a modicum of truth. However, as give meaning to the stories, we hurt the relationship and ourselves unnecessarily. Here are some examples of stories turned into fantasies.

“He still cares for his ex. They have children together. I can never compete with her.”

With this story, every time he feels he has to make a choice between you and the children, you can interpret this normal circumstance that shows up in blended families to mean he still loves his ex and would rather be with her so why doesn’t he just go do it!

Next thing you know, your blood pressure rises and you are feeling anger and jealousy that are more than the situation calls for!

“She flirts with my friends. I wonder if she will cheat on me. Maybe she is cheating on me. I don’t like the way she looks at Tim or the way he looks at her. She wouldn’t cheat on me, would she? But, damn, she’s a flirt!”

Here, you tune your antennae to every move she makes, waiting for her to break your heart. The distrust that builds up is a sabotaging energy that is more likely to make it happen than her flirtatious personality.

“He/she hates it when I …fill in the blank.” Does she really hate it? Does he? It is easy to project onto other people either the things we do not like about ourselves or the things that we have been told are our defects. Maybe the noise you make when you chew your food doesn’t bother her.

However, if you shrink up and apologize every time you become self-conscious about it because your last girl friend hated it, you have repeated moments of you appearing insecure to the woman you want to impress the most.

“He fantasizes about other women when he’s making love to me.” This one is a relationship killer! Unless he has been rude and actually told you he fantasizes about somebody else, let this one go.

This is something insecure or inexperienced lovers latch onto in order to stroke their insecurity. That kind of insecurity will look for ways and means to sabotage the relationship. Why?

Perhaps so they can feel as though they are at least in control of how the relationship ends. Maybe their self-esteem is so low that they cannot help but create challenges to their self-esteem rather than learn to grow healthier self-esteem.

Choose a Better Interpretation

All of these stories are opportunities to practice the discipline of choosing a better interpretation of your spouse or romantic partner! You can make the choice to interpret his or her behavior and words a different way.

The first time you try it you might feel naïve. However, if choosing a better interpretation turns out to be the wrong thing to have done, then you have tested the relationship and gathered important information. If choosing a better interpretation turns out to be the right thing to have done, your relationship just improved with the simplicity of a thought.

Carryovers From Past Relationships

The stories we create about our romantic partners come from past relationships. They come from the most recent romance you had as well as the first one you had when you were a kid! They come from how Aunt Betty made fun of you or how Uncle John was inappropriate.

They come from how you interpreted your parents’ messages throughout your childhood. They come from how your siblings and schoolmates treated you. They come from every person who had an effect on your self-esteem.

Doesn’t Your Partner Deserve Better?

The person you share your bed with, your life with, deserves better than to be interpreted through that many people, especially the ones who did not have your best interest in mind when they teased or disrespected you. You deserve to grow your self-esteem to such a healthy level that you no longer sabotage your relationship with made up stories.

Replace Them With Something Positive

Try it! Take the stories you make up about your lover and shush them. Then replace them with something positive. For instance:

“He loves his children. That’s why he sometimes feels torn between us. He loves me. That’s why he sometimes feels torn between us. How can I help him not feel torn so we can get back to that loving feeling?”

“She is such a flirt. That’s why I fell in love with her in the first place. But look at how she looks at me. No matter how anyone else flatters her, she only looks at me that way.”

“I think she hates it when I do that. But she hasn’t said anything about it. I’ll just wait and see. Maybe she loves me so much she thinks it’s cute!”

“He closes his eyes when we make love. Next time, I’m going to be on top. I’m going to take it slow and try gently blowing air across his eyelids. Maybe he’ll open them and I’ll smile at him and show him how turned on he makes me. That might encourage him. I may need to talk to him about how his not looking at me makes me feel insecure someday. In the meantime, how can I be creative and playful about this?”

If a positive interpretation tests the relationship, then that is information you need anyway. If it improves your relationship, what else is there to say?

Thinking of Proposing? You’d Better Think About More Than The Ring!

By melody

A man in Fairfield, Connecticut bought his bride-to-be a $25,000 engagement ring. This is not a news flash here; I suppose there are lots of well-to-do men buying their (hopefully) future wives and soul mates extravagant rings. The thing is; this particular bride-to-be didn’t want to marry the guy after being engaged for a while.

I have no idea what the laws are in Texas about this, but in Connecticut, apparently, you have to return the ring if you decide not to marry. But of course, if you do marry, the ring is yours to keep. Hmm, maybe in some states there is a statute of limitations on that, say if you are only married a year or less you have to give it back. I don’t really know.

I do know that the divorce rate in this country is at 36% (2008 US Census Report) currently and that the average first marriage lasts only 8 years! In 1964, marriages lasted, on average 34 years. The whole concept of a “Starter Marriage” has erupted only in the past ten years.

This is not a rant against getting married. I am all for it, in fact I have done it three times. I like the idea of being in a complete partnership with the person I love. Problem is most of us don’t have a clue how to do it and would rather spend (or have spent on our behalf) $25,000 on an engagement ring than to spend a dime on how to make the relationship work.

Divorce or Work It Out?

Whether you are married or just in a committed relationship you will understand what I mean. Intimacy is difficult and a marriage partnership is even harder. Most of us have come from “broken homes” ourselves (about 5,000 kids a year are affected by divorce). So how in the world are we to know how to have a committed, intimate connection?

Most of us try to wing it and listen to love songs and romance movies and think we can make it. We hope we are different from our parents and others we know. We watch our friends suffer through divorce and blame it on either a bad choice or bad luck. We hope we will be different.

Fantastical Impracticality

What other project in our lives do we take on with such fantastical impracticality? Most of know we have to be educated to be successful at tasks we expect to succeed at, yet in the most important area of our lives we are searching the internet for ideas on how to enhance our marriage and have never spent an hour with professionals.

Now, I am not promoting the idea of therapy for everyone since its not practical for some of us. Not having enough money for it is one thing. Not having the ability to determine how to find someone qualified is another. My husband had a series of traumatic experiences with therapists.

But, just like there are differences in the quality of education you get as a professional in any field, the advice you get for your relationship can vary dramatically even if you get it from professionals.

The internet abounds with tips on sex, intimacy, romance and promises to “keep your man” or “prevent a divorce”. Some of them may be very practical and helpful.

What to Look For When Getting Advice

Whatever you choose to do it is important that you look for a number of things before you jump in and take the wrong advice:

What are the qualifications of the person? This can take the form of their own experience (been together and worked through their problems together, divorced and remarried having learned some things along the way, are a professional with valid credentials, etc.)
Do you know anyone who has tried their suggestions? Get some testimonials!
Intimacy cannot be achieved with a quick fix and don’t believe any promises to the contrary.
Don’t expect that just because it worked for someone else it will absolutely work for you, you and your circumstances are different.
Don’t give up just because it appears to be hard work; anything worth having takes hard work to achieve.
Do you have problems letting someone close and you know it, yet keep trying to make it work? Work on your own issues first. You don’t have to be “fixed” but you do need to have the ability to let some one in at least to some degree!

Basically it comes down to this; educating yourself about how to make your relationship work long term (if that is what you want) is more important than spending $25,000 on an engagement ring, on a wedding, on a wedding gown or a on a fancy honeymoon. All of that is romantic and fun but if the marriage doesn’t last it will be bittersweet in the end.

You Said What?! Seven Things You Should Never Say To A Woman

By sarahelizabethmalinak

When people teach the Law of Attraction, they explain that what you put your attention on increases. In an effort to explore why bad things happen, they teach that worrying about negative things can actually attract them to you.

Worry Is Natural

Because worry is a natural response to living, compulsive personality types can find this concept quite challenging. Suddenly one is worrying about worrying for fear of attracting something bad.

One day I heard my favorite Law of Attraction teacher explain something that completely calmed me on this issue. If someone hands you a tall glass of cold milk and you think to yourself, “Don’t spill the milk,” you will not spill the milk. When you want to avoid something, as long as you are thoughtful and do not zone out, you can accomplish avoiding it rather than attracting it.

So following is a list of things you should never say to a woman. I trust that our looking at what not to say will not result in the very thing we are trying to avoid!

These statements to avoid saying can feel perfectly innocent, even complimentary in the moment. However, uttering them can create a cold chill in the room that may take lots of work to heat back up.

“Golly! You’ve got quite the appetite!” Among men, a healthy appetite is evidence of health, well being, and enjoying each other’s company. Verbalizing the observation of a woman’s healthy appetite can make her feel like a glutton.

“You’re looking really good for your age!” Whereas one woman could make this observation to another (maybe, under ideal circumstances between the best of friends), a man making it is like pouring cold water on the person he wants to impress the most.

“My mom did it this way.” Whether you compare her to your mother favorably or unfavorably, your woman doesn’t want to remind you of your mother! Even when she sometimes mothers you, she doesn’t want to remind you of HER!

“That was delicious – just like my ex used to make.” Letting her know she really satisfied your appetite should end at she satisfied your appetite! No comparisons to the ex, ever!

“Your mom is sexy!” Now, a woman might appreciate admiring her own mother, realizing that her mom really does look great for her age and so she too stands a good chance of still being sexy herself twenty-five years from now. But hearing you admire her mom this way will just make her feel “icky” and diminished in comparison!

You Said What?!

“Can we keep the lights off?” She will instantly interpret this one to mean you do not find her attractive and would rather fantasize about someone else while you are with her. If that is true, it would be best to end the relationship and free you both to find better love elsewhere. If it is a result of your own self-consciousness then request low lighting. She will interpret that as romantic and you will be her hero!
“No, Sandy, that’s not what I meant,” when Sandy is your ex’s name! No one does this consciously! When it happens, it is an accident. Your best bet is to apologize immediately and ask her how you can make up for it. Lavishing her with reassurance ought to disarm her. Especially if it never happens again!

Natural Differences Between the Sexes

When men and women say things to each other they ought never to say, it’s rarely intentional. Usually, it is a result of the natural differences between the sexes. It often occurs because a woman is talking to her man like he’s her girlfriend or because a man is talking to his woman like she’s one of the guys.

A really awesome, cool, magnificent way to insure peace, harmony, and hotness between a man and a woman is if each can put him or herself in the other’s shoes without feeling a loss of self.

To consider the other’s viewpoint from within the other’s male or female chemistry, physiology, and mentality without judgment can open the imagination to numerous ways of communicating, “I love you,” or, “I’m interested in you,” or, “I think you hung the moon,” or, “I honor and respect you,” etc. with or without words!

You do not have to get lost in the other’s shoes. Wear them for a short time, even for just a moment, for a shift in perspective that can make you number one on his or her list of favorite people of all time!

Boost Your Self Confidence And Become Irresistible!

By chickinheels

Going through a case of the ‘blahs’? Maybe feeling like you’ll never find ‘that special someone’ or that the special someone you are with just doesn’t seem interested??

I think deep down everyone is somehow searching. Searching for the right mate, searching for ways to find happiness, searching for ways to be appreciated. We’ve all been there, once or twice.

It may sound cliché but the truth is, if you are willing to boost yourself up, then others will quickly take notice. Think about the times that you have been in love or the times that you have felt most alive and happy. Those are the times when you were attracting people TO you – effortlessly.

The Spark

I’ll bet that these are also the instances in which you felt energized by life. THAT, right there, is the key to attaining and maintaining your irresistibility!! Everyone is attracted to those who carry the “spark of life” and everyone has the potential to shine.

It doesn’t matter what shape or size you are, it doesn’t matter what job you have or what people you know. What matters is how you treat yourself and how you view the world around you.

Optimists have this easier, as they are naturally pulled toward looking at life with a positive frame of mind. Pessimists are a little more tricky, they have to consciously decide that they are convinced that the sun can shine on the gloomiest of days.

And common sense alone will dictate that the people you come in contact with will always be attracted to those who feel self assured and happy from the inside out.

Trust me, I am about the most positive person I know, and even “I” have my moments where I would just rather lie down and feel poopy then look on the bright side. Okay, well that happens to the best of us but what is important is not allowing those times to take up the majority of your life.

After all, life is short. Problems will always be there, but LIFE itself won’t. I know the bills are there. We all have them, but I choose to gain strength in that moment when I notice I’m having a good hair day or when my son looks cute smiling at me even with his runny nose.

Convince Yourself

The only trick here is to convince yourself that you can choose to be happier and FEEL better.

I find it interesting to hear about people who are out there on the hunt, searching for another person to fulfill them; to make them whole.

Do you want to know the fastest way to achieve this task? Stop focusing on the search and look from within. It doesn’t take a grandiose effort either. Smile more and invest in moments that make you feel good.

Give yourself a night off and take a bath by candle light. Put on your favorite song and dance until the last note plays. You will find if you take this approach you will attract people who enjoy you when you are happiest and who want to partake in that.

YOU Have the Power

Plus, you will always be armed with the knowledge that you have the ultimate power to ensure your happiness. You will not become a cling on who believes happiness is only created from the love of another person. You will know that anyone else in your life can become an addition to your happiness, not the sole object of it. And that, my friends, is healthy.

I’ve always said that there is something to be noted about sex appeal. I consider myself to be a picky lady when it comes to men and I would say that sex appeal is more then 50% of what I base my attraction to someone on. Looks do not carry as much weight.

Be Happy Being You

Someone who is comfortable in their own skin and gives off a positive outlook is so much more appealing and will attract many others then the gorgeous guy with the sucky attitude. Think of it this way, if you met someone who was fulfilled with themselves, that gives them confidence. They are content and happy, and that makes them all the more alluring to be around.

It’s a benefit all around. You think about what makes you happy, make a conscious effort to have a good day and think positively and that will be noticed by those around you. If you don’t find people taking notice right away, keep it up. You soon will and until you do, you are STILL making yourself a happier person along the way.

I think there are many people in situations where they feel hopeless, like they will never find the right partner or that their partner will never love them the way they want them to. The only thing they are not realizing is that it begins with them first.

Building strength and happiness as an individual is what will attract so many others into your world. There is no reason why you can’t start now. Wear your favorite outfit to the grocery store and smile… It seems like nothing, but I’ll bet you feel good and others will see that too!