Relationship Advice

How to Keep the Money Mistress From Destroying Your Relationship

Something as seemingly ‘harmless” as hiding a purchase you made from you partner is really not harmless at all. In fact, it’s a form of financial infidelity, and can lead to greater financial infidelities.

Bigger-scale problems of this nature often come during significant relationship problems that you may be having with your significant other. For example, if you’re aware of financial or sexual infidelities going on in your relationship, you’re likely to fall into some financial infidelities of your own, or succumb to the “money mistress.”

Examples of Financial Infidelity

A few examples of financial infidelity are:

*when one partner keeps money from a work bonus for themselves without telling the other person

*over-charging at drugstores or for groceries and keeping the cash

*when one person uses money or spending as a way of “keeping score”

Why People Succumb to Financial Infidelity

There are several ways to, and many reasons why, people fall into this type of behavior. The most basic and common can be when you’re already experiencing things like this at the hands of your partner.

It can be tempting to retaliate in similar ways. You may even be in a relationship where you’re aware of a sexual affair, and you’re using your bank account to “get back” at the other person.

One couple I worked with had this problem. The woman was aware of her husband’s affair (as he wasn’t really doing much work to hide it) so she would see the purchases he made for his mistress, would add up the cost of these purchases, and then buy something for herself that cost that amount. She used this behavior as a way of trying to make herself feel good, and as a method of getting back at her spouse.

Of course the person already engaging in financial or sexual infidelities isn’t in the right either, but by retaliating or spending behind your partner’s back, you’re also taking part in what I call a “PoP shot” – or a “Pissed off Purchase!” You’re fueled by anger towards the other person’s infidelities, whether they’re sexual or financial, and you decide to take action by using the bank account for leverage.

There are other versions of this situation that aren’t as drastic. I’ve seen cases where one partner overspends, and the other feels entitled to spend a similar amount, or in a similar way creating another type of money mistress. One key solution to the problem of a money mistress is to learn to fight fair. Don’t let money be your weapon.

Rules to Make Sure You Talk About Money

Here are a few rules I set forth in my book to help make sure you talk about money, and to break its control in your relationship:

*Ask permission. You want the other person to be engaged in the conversation, so make sure it’s a good time for them, too. You should make an “appointment” for a specific time to make sure that the issue will be handled.

*Put time limits on the “fight.” It’s OK to walk away and come back later as long as it’s mutual and done with respect. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can tolerate during an argument.

*Use “I” sentences. Don’t blame or criticize.

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings. Truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”

*Detach from your emotions. Try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive fight, remember things that each person need to work on, and commit to trying to change the behaviors that may have created “money mistresses” or “pissed off purchases” in the past.

Feeling Needy? Have A Clingy Partner? Find Out How To Bring Balance To An Unbalanced Relationship

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Have you ever called someone else or been called a “stalker?” Using the term or having it used on you is a frustrated or mean way to say, “I’m sorry but I don’t love you and I need you to understand this and give me my space!”

Sometimes calling someone a “stalker” comes after several failed attempts at communicating the disparity in feelings. Other times, used early on in that person’s affection, it is meant to belittle and humiliate.

One of the problems inherent when a person is actually stalked is the stalker invades that person’s personal space: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually. The stalker is in the person’s life without invitation and without permission.

Similarly, when a person has someone in her life that has fallen in love with her and is desperate to be seen by her, this potential lover’s attention can feel needy, clingy, and invasive because he is requesting admittance at a deep level without invitation or permission.

Imbalance In Relationships

Within an established relationship, if one member of the couple is usually needier or more clinging, resentment can start to build for both of them. For instance, if I am going through a period of insecurity and fear and I pull on my husband for reassurance repeatedly,

I resent my weakness as well as the extra power he has as the more secure one. If I am so needy that he never has the opportunity to relax much less share his own insecurities here and there, he can resent having to be the strong one.

An imbalance of need or desire can suck the life right out of either an established, potential, or even non-existent relationship! How do you turn the tide when you find you are the needy one and what can you do to help yourself and the relationship if you are the stronger one?

Balancing the Imbalance

The short answer to both sides is self-love! At those times in life when you find yourself the needier, more insecure one, self-love is an incredible cure. If you have found yourself in the needy position for what seems like most of your life, self-love is crucial!

By nurturing yourself, giving yourself your own unconditional high regard, thereby valuing who you are from the core of your being to the tips of your fingers, souls of your feet, and top of your head, you give yourself a sense of security from within that no one else can give you. Furthermore, no one else can take it away.

Self-Love is the Answer

If you are in the position of having someone need you in a dysfunctional way, your own self-love can be the answer there too. Your self-love will be the answer when you know that you are responsible for everything that shows up in your life.

If someone is in your life pulling on you and making life uncomfortable, or even unsafe, taking the stand that you attracted this to you, even if you do not know why, can make a difference in 1) how quickly the situation resolves itself and 2) whether or not you create the same situation again.

Why Doesn’t Matter

You do not have to know why you “created” this situation. It may be you do not even have to do anything with or about the other person. If you are willing to take responsibility and say to yourself, “I created this. I do not want this situation in my life. I love myself enough to release the need for this type of dysfunction!” and really own those words, then the situation will either resolve itself or you will find opportunities to resolve it appearing.

Accepting that kind of responsibility takes courage, inner security, and love – love of self and love of other. There are needs and desires in our lives where once met add to our lives. Lovers’ bodies and souls longing for each other, needing each other’s touch, and desiring sexual expression is life giving!

The Danger of Allowing it to Continue

However, allowing someone to need or desire you with a desperation that strangles and threatens to snuff out life isn’t an act of love. It is rather supporting of dysfunction that, if allowed to continue for too long, can wreck a relationship or even a life.

Unconditional positive regard of both the other and the self demands the tough love that says, “I created this…I love myself enough to release the need for this type of dysfunction.”

If you ever find yourself calling someone who has taken an interest in you a “stalker,” stop and give it some thought. Perhaps you are being too callous with someone who chooses to risk this level of vulnerability because he or she finds you irresistible.

If they are legitimately annoying, take your attention off the other person and put it on yourself. Take responsibility and love yourself enough to release whatever it is in you that created this situation. Give taking that level of responsibility a try and see what happens.

The next time you find yourself needful in a way that you suspect is hurtful, take some time for yourself and love you. Sit in front of a mirror and say, “I love you,” like you mean it! Play music and light candles.

Make it a sacred time to give yourself your own, genuine unconditional positive regard. The more you do it, the more your inner security will rise to the surface to guide and protect you!

You are worthy of love that helps you live a better life. You can begin getting that kind of love by giving it to yourself.

In Love and Dating… Does Our Age Difference Really Matter?

By loveandsex

In the day in age where celebrity couples and other couples are dating even though they’re five or even ten years apart in age, it can lead many people to believe that age doesn’t matter when dating or getting married.

In truth, it does matter but it matters less and less as you get older. Should you let age be a factor during dating?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Does age difference really affect relationships? My partner and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years. My parents are determined it won’t work because of our ages. We’re 4 years apart but I’m under 18 and he is 19. We have been through so much and we both still believe we can make this work and we’re planning to get married as soon as possible. So is this a waste of time for us or is it possible?

–Corie, Virginia

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYkS-oUF5lU[/youtube]

How Young Is Too Young?

First, let’s take a look at how young “too young” might be. For example, if you have a 15 year old person and an 18 or even 19 year old person, you’re asking for trouble. Although the four year age difference isn’t much when you look at a couple that is 50 and 54 years old, a four year age gap when you’re that young really seems like a bigger age gap than it really is.

Sexually speaking, if these partners are sexually active, you bring in a whole new element to the equation. Statutory rape charges can be filed at that point and one or both partners can end up in more trouble than they’d like to be in. Even a two year age gap at that stage can make a big difference, for example, if one partner is 17 and the other is 19.

Once both partners become “of age” or turn 18, age differences begin to matter less and less as you age. While an age difference between an 18 year old and a 26 year old might seem like a big deal, the age difference between a 41 year old and a 49 year old doesn’t seem bad at all.

When you’re young, be aware of statutory rape laws and other laws and make sure your relationships abide by them. Keep in mind that even once you turn 18, a huge age gap still makes a difference until you get a little older.

Slowing Down

Regardless of your age difference, if you’re young you might want to rethink rushing into a relationship and especially rushing into a marriage. Right now is the time to really figure out who you are and focus on yourself. That doesn’t mean you can’t date or have a relationship, but trying to take a plunge into a serious relationship or even a marriage might be more than you want to take on right now.

Sadly, you won’t really realize it until it’s too late, when your responsibilities are overwhelming you. Take some time right now to really enjoy your life and figure out what you want to do with it. Focus on school or your career and let your dating relationships be a source of enjoyment to you, not a source of responsibility.

Let’s take one last look at why age differences seem to matter more when you’re young and why they matter less when you’re older. In past centuries, women were married off when they were very young, as young as thirteen, to much, much older men.

As society grew and developed, this became less of an accepted practice. Laws were created so that 18 was the accepted age where someone becomes an adult, and that sex is illegal unless it is between two consenting adults. If your relationship goes outside those boundaries, you might want to rethink it.

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships Without Even Knowing It?

By loveandsex

Have you ever noticed yourself falling into an ever familiar pattern of self sabotage shortly after entering into a new relationship?

Self sabotage can take many forms such as engaging in addictive behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, pornography, work , etc), engaging in affairs, withdrawing emotionally, becoming irresponsible with financial matters or personal hygiene, regressing into child like behaviors where you are unconsciously asking your partner to take care of you or rescue you, etc.

Self Sabotaging Behaviors

Of course, such behaviors can only be tolerated for so long even by the most caring and loving of partners before things become unstuck and everything falls apart.

The self sabotaging partner will then feel initial pangs of grief and sadness but there may also be deeper feelings of relief as well. Why is this?

Well, largely because the self sabotaging behaviors are sourced from deep emotional hurts that the individual carries within them either from earlier relationships, and more often from early childhood familial traumas.

These emotional hurts often make the individual feel unworthy, lacking self esteem and self confidence, defective or deficient in some way (i.e. the “there’s something wrong with me” feeling), afraid of being found out by others (especially their partner), incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship for any length of time and generally fragile and anxious.

It’s Really Just a Facade

So although this person desires to be in a relationship, being fully known to their partner entails the great risk of being rejected hence they supposedly feel more in control when they themselves initiate the demise of the relationship through self sabotage.

Behaviors that supposedly compensate for such inner feelings of hurt and allow the individual to “appear together” when they first meet a new partner. However such a facade is in place to unconsciously seduce the partner into a relationship so that they can begin to fulfill a hidden unconsciously held agenda.

The facade is needed because deep down the self sabotaging partner does not believe that they are genuinely lovable.

The hidden agenda is about allowing the “handicapped” partner get the care, soothing and love they need to feel whole and OK about themselves. Unfortunately this not what was bargained for by the relatively more healthy partner and so when it becomes apparent that they have been deceived the relationship begins to falter.

So How Can This Be Remedied?

Well, in my view the only way to effect any real and rapid change in this situation is to help the self sabotaging partner release their emotional pain once and for all from within.

As a former psychiatrist it was my experience that psychotherapy cannot do this. It was this awareness that led me to develop an entirely new and revolutionary approach that goes beyond what most therapists call “therapy”.

This new approach, called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP), is a process that helps to effectively clear the “hard drive” of your unconscious of any old traumatic memory that is holding you back in your life. The process is such that when the memories are released old negative self sabotaging behaviors associated with them also spontaneously dissolve without any extra effort on your part.

This releases one and helps to build self worth, self confidence, self esteem, a feeling of OK’ness about one’s self, boosts energy, healthy and leads to healthy relationships.

Understanding The Difference Between Getting Love And Sharing Love

By drmargaretpaul

The feeling of love is the very best feeling in the world, even better than sex or ice cream!

The Bible states in 1 John 4:16 that “God is love.” When our hearts are open, the love that is God comes into the physical body and fills us with the delicious feelings of joy and peace. Love is always available, as available as the air we breathe.

Yet most people do not go through their days filled with love, joy and peace. Instead, they feel empty and alone, and often turn to various addictions (such as sex and ice cream) to fill the emptiness and aloneness.

Filling the Void With Addictions

One of the addictions many people turn to is the addiction of getting love from others. Coming from the belief that people, rather than our Source, are the source of love, they try in various ways to gain control over getting love from others.

Through physical appearance, accomplishments, niceness, compliments, cuteness, being funny, threats, anger, irritation, and blame, people try to manipulate others into giving them the love, attention, and approval they need. Sometimes this works for the moment, but like food or sex, it is only for the moment. Trying to feel filled through others is an exhausting way to live.

Other people try to get filled through the giving of love. The problem here is that unless you are first bringing love into yourself and then sharing your love from a full place within, the giving of love becomes just another manipulation to get love.

This is caretaking; giving to get. I can tell you from personal experience, since this was my major addiction, that caretaking does not to lead to feeling fill up with love, peace and joy. Rather, it leads to feeling drained, used and resentful, since rarely do others give back the love you hope for.

A Circle of Love

The highest experience in life with another person is the sharing of love. A circle of love is experienced when two or more people are sharing love from a full place within.

We are full of love within only when we have a spiritually connected loving adult self who is intent on taking loving care of ourselves. When our intent is to take full personal responsibility for ourselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, organizationally, and relationally, then we feel loved and safe inside.

Intent Opens the Door

Our intent to support our own highest good opens the door to connection with Spirit and the love that is God fills our hearts and souls. This deeply peaceful and joyous feeling can then be shared with others whose hearts are also open to loving and learning.

The sharing of love is truly an amazing experience. It can happen in person or over the phone. It can happen in letters or email. Time and place are irrelevant. God as love is an energy that can be experienced from any distance. Each of us has the opportunity to be messengers of God when we do our inner work and become able to share love with others.

Getting Love, Sharing Love

The ego wounded self in most people does not understand the vast difference between the getting of love and the sharing of love. Because getting a bit of love from someone feels good, the ego thinks that the best feelings come from getting love. Until you have the experience of bringing God-that-is-love into yourself, you do not realize that loving yourself brings far greater joy than getting love.

And until you are loving yourself, you cannot experience the even greater joy of sharing love with others. There is no addiction, no drug, no food, no experience, that comes close to the incredible joy of feeling the love-that-is-God within and sharing that love with others.

If you have never had the experience of sharing love, you may not realize what you are missing. Sometimes it may seem hard to be motivated to keep doing your inner healing work if you have never experienced the joy of loving yourself and sharing that love with others.

I hope you keep in mind that only by doing your inner work will you ever be able to experience the greatest experience on the planet; the sharing of love!