Relationship Advice

Happy Relationships: How To Replace Fear And Doubt With Gratitude, Love and Trust

As human beings, we operate daily reflecting a wide range of emotions with a multitude of motivations fueling our behaviors.

All too often, we react emotionally to what others say or do. If our reactions are preceded by the emotions of fear, anger, or sadness, we forfeit our ability to act with personal power and effectiveness in lieu of a knee-jerk response.

The emotional reaction

This reaction is all too often sourced in fear and low self-esteem. We may focus on what’s wrong with us and our lives, fear being controlled, hurt, or taken advantage of.

We may overlook the many things we have in our lives for which we should rightly be grateful, doubt our ability to thrive and access the abundance we see all around us in the world, reacting instead from the concern of scarcity and the expectation of failure, hurt, and disappointment.

We may see ourselves in competition for the world’s resources and the love and attention of others rather than realizing that there is more than enough of all that is good to go around. We forget that we manifest what we expect rather than needing to compete for limited resources.

Whenever we forget that we are magnificent beings and that there is plenty of wealth, happiness, fun, and fulfillment to go around, we might feel the need to protect ourselves from what we perceive to be a dangerous world. We likewise tend to forget that others operate from the same lacking self-confidence, scarcity of gratitude, and deficient self-love that we often do.

The result of not seeing ourselves as good enough

So, whenever two or more individuals see themselves as not good enough to tap into the world’s abundance and get all their needs met from a physical, social, mental, and emotional perspective, conflicts are likely to arise.

The result is broken relationships, strained communication, emotional pain, struggle, and suffering. All of these are needless and optional for those who realize their ability to detach from the struggle and master their emotional response.

When we stop to realize that everyone else suffers from the same self-doubt and fear of being dominated and cheated out of getting their fair share of love, fun, money, possessions, and security, we can break the vicious cycle of endless competition and continual striving for domination.

Breaking the cycle

We can realize that cooperation and communication is more effective in producing harmony than competition and a focus on self-interest based on fear.

We can intentionally choose to trust that others are doing the best they know how to do based upon how they see the world. We can assume that they act from good intentions, even when we fear the opposite.

Creating win-win relationships

We can hold them as worthy, competent, loving, good natured and capable of creating win-win relationships rather than fearing them as hateful, ill meaning, incompetent, unworthy, selfish opponents.

When we decide to champion others by looking for the best in them and interact with them out of an attitude of gratitude for their gifts, strengths, and positive qualities, in such as manner that they are clear that we hold them as intrinsically good and worthy of our love and respect, we provide for them a new and exciting opportunity for them to show up for us in this manner.

Our decision to hold others as great (because they really are when we strip away their anger, fears, and insecurities) allows them the freedom to rise to our expectations.

By operating from love and gratitude for the wisdom and empathy we develop as a result of our interactions with others, we see their mistakes as temporary indiscretions producing valuable lessons from which to learn and grow rather than reflections of a fundamentally defective being.

The key to bringing out the best in others is non-attachment. When we realize that we have total control over our response to any situation, and we give up our right to be invalidated by others or control them, we will possess a newfound freedom that allows us to exit the drama of conflict in favor of understanding, compassion, and love.

Decide now to be grateful for the challenges you will encounter in your life and business. See the problems that arise as opportunities for your personal development. Look for these challenges as you go about your day, be grateful when you encounter them, and seek out the gifts awaiting your discovery.

Challenges to look for

Exercise for Expanding Gratitude and Shifting Your Reactive Nature

List all the things you have decided to be grateful for in your life and business.

In your daily journal, record each time you fail to express gratitude for a challenging situation.

Catch yourself reacting emotionally to what someone says or does and shift your perception in that moment to appreciate the learning experience at hand.

In your daily life and business, who are you not holding as magnificent?

How can you champion their excellence and express gratitude for the opportunity to grow in love and wisdom that they are gifting you instead of reacting with anger, sadness, or fear?

Who are you seeking to control or avoid being controlled by? Will you take on the practice of non-attachment in your relationship with them by creating space for them to be who they are?

Do this for 30 days and record in your journal how your interactions with them evolve. Make note of something that you can be grateful for in each situation.

Five Tips for Creating Soulful Intimacy In Your Relationship

By sarahelizabethmalinak

There are times in life when we experience intimacy in natural, spontaneous ways. Consider love at first glance.

Someone who was a stranger is now in your life 24/7 and crazy about you! Suddenly, parts of your life that were private are now on display to the one you love but with whom love hasn’t been tested.

For instance, putting potato chips on your sandwich in front of him or her makes you feel awkward with the intimacy of the exposure of a funny, little detail of your life! The first time you get naked together makes you tingle all over from the vulnerability. Intimacy that is the result of love at first glance is easy.

It is when we have been in love for a while that we need to turn our attention once again to intimacy. We can create the kind of intimacy that will set our souls aflame! Following are five tips for creating soulful intimacy.

Speak and listen in a new way

Men and women communicate differently. Men like to get right to the point; therefore, they only have so much time and attention when it comes to listening. They want you to get to the point! Women, on the other hand, like to share nuances of insights and feelings when they communicate. Getting to the point for a woman might take several meandering twists and turns first.

One way to create soulful intimacy is to speak and listen in such a way that your partner feels seen and heard. When a woman gets right to the point, her man hears her in a completely new way, which is gratifying for both of them! When she listens with focused attention, he feels heard and appreciates this.

When he listens to her meandering thoughts and expressed feelings, she feels cherished. When he takes the risk to speak of his feelings, philosophy, and personal experience, she feels honored.

Without trying to morph into the opposite sex’s viewpoint, just every once in a while speak and listen the way he or she does. As simple as it sounds, doing so will make you feel you are taking one of those risks that makes you feel the kind of vulnerability that creates a fresh spurt of intimacy in the air between you.

Get imaginative with touch

Think of times when you are together on a regular basis other than when you are making love. Watching television together, preparing a meal, grocery shopping…things like this.

Consider where you might touch your lover in a place that usually goes ignored. The inside of the arm, neck, ears, and small of the back are possibilities. Perhaps it has just been too long since you were in the habit of resting your hands on each other’s thighs when sitting together.

Make a habit of reaching over and touching each other in ways that communicate, “You are my beloved, I am yours, and that is wonderful.” Always take a moment or two and be present with your touch. Look at him or her and feel your love and appreciation for the privilege of loving each other.

Lighten up and have fun

If life has been weighing on you and making you far too serious too much of the time, find things for you and your lover to laugh about. Learning to laugh at yourself, admitting to your flaws in humorous ways, acknowledges the fact that the two of share intimate knowledge of one another that goes beyond the physical. It heightens your sense of togetherness.

Be sensitive, though. Be sure to laugh with your partner, not at them. Invite their compassion, not their competitive edge.

Find reasons to genuinely appreciate your lover’s extended family

Perhaps it is so that we will move out there and start our own families, but most people have a difficult time dealing with each other’s extended family members. An easy and even lazy way for couples to create intimacy is to gossip and put down their own and each other’s family members.

A better way is to discover what you can truly appreciate in at least one member of your lover’s extended family and communicate that to your lover and the family member. When you genuinely care for those he or she loves, your lover feels appreciated too. Whenever we feel seen or appreciated, soulful intimacy grows.

Be present for sights, sounds, scents, tastes, and textures

When you are in that love at first glance relationship, everything about your lover is new, mysterious, and desirable.

The way his skin tastes, the scent of her body, the curve of her hips, the light in his hair, the way her pinky toe lies at a different angle from the rest, and his “innie” belly button are just a few of many things that capture the attention, the heart, and the kundalini! With all your senses heightened, you are present for everything.

In the beginning, it can be overwhelming. As time goes on, it can seem to disappear forever. It doesn’t have to.

Simply be present the next time she undresses in front of you and let yourself relish how you admire her beauty. Be present the next time he gets out of the shower and relish how you admire all his masculine features. Breathe softly through your mouth and feel your body relax and open to your lover.

When you practice just these five tips for creating soulful intimacy (not to mention the many more your own imagination can discover), closing the gap for even greater physical intimacy is sure to follow!

How To Talk About Money At Any Stage In Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

Sometimes, talking about money is viewed as a necessary evil, but it is just that: necessary. Ideally, the subject of money should be initially broached very early on in the relationship – hopefully before you even cement your relationship by having sex!

It’s imperative to talk about your opinions, views, habits, etc. and although my time frame may seem extreme, who wants to go down the road to sexual intimacy only to have it torn apart by a struggle in the realm of financial compatibility?

This is where what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue” (or, the money language of love) comes in. It’s designed to help you share your financial history with someone you’re becoming intimate with.

When Money Conversations Begin

The conversation starters are usually in reference to a transition in a relationship, as that can often be where the rubber hits the road, financially, for many couples. Integrating your differences and views about money during a shift in a relationship can be difficult but is so important to the ongoing health of that relationship!

Understand that a person’s money habits can be ingrained in them from a very young age, and therefore are usually held to pretty tightly, even if that person doesn’t realize it!

As you transition through a relationship there are a few scenarios that lend themselves to talking about money. Here are a few:

Moving In Together

“If we move in together, do we split all the bills?”

*A mid life change like moving in together can be an ideal time to talk about expectations for how to deal jointly with finances outside of a marriage. It’s not usually best to combine everything right off the bat, and a good way to deal with this question can be to suggest having a “fund” that you both do contribute to equally.

It can be used for your fun activities. Then, you can make decisions together about that fund. This helps smooth the transition to possibly having more of your money in joint accounts one day.

Overspending And Loans

“I overspent while we were on vacation, can you lend me some money?”

*The person asking for a loan may not take money and budgeting as seriously as you do. Or maybe you overspent too. Whatever the case, you need to evaluate how you deal with money, leisure activities and “spur of the moment” purchases together.

And if you’re the person being asked for a loan, approach the subject carefully as you don’t want to seem judgmental toward the person who probably isn’t too thrilled about having to ask in the first place.

Money In A Committed Relationship

And if you’re in a committed relationship where you’ve had some of the more basic talks there are still ways that money conflict can manifest itself in ways you weren’t expecting!

“We can’t afford to go on vacation with your family (or our friends) again this year if they’re going to invite us as their guests, then make us pay for our share of everything.”

*You need to lay out expectations for big ticket items and expenses at the on-set. Together, decide what you can afford and if necessary inform the other party, and present it as a unified decision.

“Do you have to review my credit card bill each month?”

*The person asking this question may feel like a child in the relationship – always being checked up on. Issues from childhood and the way the parents dealt with money/relationships aside, if the person IS feeling belittled, as a couple you need to work hard toward sharing the “power” of the checkbook.

One person shouldn’t feel like they’re less-informed or less-involved in the process. This can lead to contempt and revenge spending or “POP shots” – pissed off purchases aimed at exacting revenge on the other person.

By being honest and respectful you can get through these dialogues and relationship transitions and grow with your relationship as it continues to change over time! More dialogues and instructions on dealing with financial life changes can be found in Dr. Bonnie’s new book, Financial Infidelity.

How To Stop Playing Games And Just Be Yourself

By loveandsex

So here you are meeting a new and special person tonight. What thoughts are going through your head?

Well, “ What can I do or say to make myself look attractive to this other person?” for one.

In words you are likely thinking more of creating an image of yourself that is other than your true authentic self. Why is that?

Are You Comfortable With You?

If you reflect on this you may find that you’re not completely comfortable with who “you” are. It’ sad to say but most individuals find themselves in this situation. Hence they find themselves “putting on a mask” or another way of saying this is “playing games” that in truth are manipulative.

Why manipulative? Well, because by playing such games you are trying to get the other person to believe that you are someone other than who you are. In other words, you are lying to them as well as to yourself.

How Do You Feel?

Now stop for a moment and notice how that realization makes you feel about yourself? Not good I would imagine.

Would it therefore surprise you if I said that the negative feelings about one’s self that cause them to pretend to be someone else in part originate in the “game playing” behavior they choose to adopt.

So it’s a bit of a vicious cycle i.e. the game playing makes one feel bad about one’s self and the feeling bad about one’s self leads to the need to pretend to be someone else and hence more game playing!

Is There A Way Out Of The Cycle

So is one forever destined to be caught in this loop or is there a way out?

Well indeed there is a way out and this will allow you to begin to feel at home in your own skin as what I call your True Authentic Self. This is an experience of self that is associated with self confidence, self esteem, honesty, inner peace and calm, resilience, joy, contentment, clarity, feeling totally alive, spontaneity and much more.

At the root of breaking out of the negative loop I mentioned above and achieving this new state of being is a new process I developed over 10 years ago called the Mind Resonance Process®(MRP). Let me orient you to the MRP experience briefly here.

One of the reasons why game playing takes place is because of a poor self image which results from having been rejected, humiliated , embarrassed or shamed in early life. If you have had such an experience I ask you to recall it briefly right now.

The Memory

Let’s call this experience “My Memory of Poor Self Image”.

What is the benefit to you of having this memory stored inside you? Initially you may say “nothing” however I ask you to reflect on this for a moment. Although there may be many reasons you can come up with I will choose a common one for illustration purposes which I’m sure you’ll resonate with.

So a primary reason that might make the Memory beneficial is that it teaches you to avoid exposing yourself in ways that could potentially lead to a repeat scenario.

Hence one could conclude that the Memory has some protective purpose i.e. it protects you from getting hurt once again.

If this is so then one should be feeling safe, secure, calm, self assured, relaxed, content, peaceful and resilient in one’s interaction with others as a result of having the Memory “on board” so to speak.

Is that however the case? Well of course not because whenever you think about the Memory (and even when you don’t because it’s always inside you, isn’t it?) it makes you feel anxious, poorly about yourself, unattractive, defective or deficient, less than others, afraid of being exposed or found out, and so on.

Hence the Memory is toxic to you, correct?

So that makes the conclusion above that “the Memory causes you to feel safe, secure, calm, self assured, relaxed, content, peaceful and resilient in one’s interaction with others” is false.

Release The False Belief

So if you wish to release this false belief from within you (and I suggest you try this to experience the effect) then simply ask as if speaking from your heart that it be permanently released from your life now.

Next, if you wish, ask that the Memory itself be released from your life.

Finally, envision and feel how you would rather be in your interactions with others and if that feels good to you then assert to yourself that this is where you’d rather be.

Notice now how you feel. If you’ve followed me so far I know that you will be feeling better about yourself and within yourself than you have in a long time.

What’s Your Imago? Huh?

By drbonnieeakerweil

Imago, literally, is the Latin word for “image.” It was originally used in psychotherapy to refer to the unconscious image you’ve created which defines the type of partner you’re looking for. I use it to refer to the ideas you’ve created concerning money, and how those ideas play out specifically in a relationship.

When looking to fulfill your “imago” when it comes to a mate, subconsciously, you’re looking for someone that will “fill in the holes” left by your experience growing up and your parents, or to adults who were formative in your childhood , and you’ll be attracted to these traits right away on a subconscious level.

Your Financial Imago

A similar statement is true when it comes to your “financial imago.” Ideas about money that you’re carrying around from your parents and from your childhood WILL affect your relationship. Don’t forget, however, that you have control over HOW they affect it.

Just as “relational imago” tends to draw you to someone who possesses a number of qualities that you don’t, or excels in areas you feel you fall short (hey, opposites attract!), you’ll often be financially attracted to someone who has financial strengths where you have financial “holes,” where you have unfinished childhood business.

In short, in some areas, you will likely pick a person that gives you the most trouble!

Your Financial Imago In Relationships

I studied under Harville Hendrix, who was the first to espouse the idea of relational imago and I’m applying his idea of Imago to finances in a relationship:

While you will always carry around your family money history, the things that trigger conflict about money are equally important. When dealing with finances in a relationship, you both have to understand the ways you’re prone to deal with money, and you have to have a road map for how you WANT to deal with money.

In other words, you have to know your weaknesses, and know how you’re going to deal with them. As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with financial stressors as a couple.

Depending on your stage in life, and your stage in the relationship, there are a number of important questions you need to answer.

Important Questions To Answer

Things like: How do you feel about debt? How much debt do you have? Are you a risk-taker or are you risk-averse? Will the kids go to private school? Will we fund their college education in its entirety? Who will pay when we go out? How often will we go out and how often will we eat in?

Other Considerations

Of course, these are only a few of the many things you’ll need to discuss before you head into significant life changes, but they are a good place to start. In many cases, you many not even know how to answer those questions yourself, much less how you will answer them as a couple.

The opposite can also be true: you will have a knee-jerk reaction as to how to answer them that may be completely opposite from your partners. It’s always best to get those reactions out in the open before you find yourself “in the heat of battle!”