Relationship Advice

Attracting the Relationship You Want Instead of the One You Left

Unless you have been hiding underneath a rock you have heard about the Law of Attraction in the past couple of years.

Since the movie “the Secret” came out it seems that everyone has been talking about it.

Basically the Law of Attraction says that you will attract what you think about.

So of course, many people think that they would love to use this knowledge to attract the things that they really want in life such as money, career success and of course a wonderful loving relationship.

But is it easier said than done?

The Law of Attraction on Autopilot

The fact is that most people attract things into their lives by default. Yes, it’s true. We tend to attract things into our life without thinking about it, we attract by autopilot. It’s like driving to work everyday, we just do it automatically, without even thinking.

When was the last time you even thought about your route to work?

Yet, this very act of attracting by autopilot is what causes many a relationship to flounder. How many times have you heard of a woman who married someone just like her father, or a man marrying a woman just like his mother? Now, it is possible that a relationship like that could be a perfect match but it is also possible that it could just be a continuation of misery.

Repeating Relationship Patterns

How many people do you know who have jumped right into a new relationship and except for the exterior package (yes, it is a different person) the relationship is the essentially the same as the one they left? Same problems, different face.

Have you been guilty of that?

One reason why this happens is because of the Law of Attraction. You see, during the bad relationship you developed habituated modes of thinking and vibrating. Just breaking up or even an official divorce does not and will not change that mode of vibration. We quickly develop habits of looking at the world and it takes time to break those habits.

Part of the problem is that people tend to ruminate on “why” they needed to leave the last relationship, why that person was not right for them and all of the bad qualities of the person they left. But while they are doing all of this stewing, justifying and ruminating, they are still vibrating in that same place so if they do attract someone new it is very likely that the same problems will be there. They will just be packaged in a different person.

Love Yourself First!

In order to use the Law of Attraction deliberately to create a wonderful relationship you need to spend some time alone, getting comfortable with just yourself. Find things that you love to do and do them just for fun, don’t try to meet anyone, just get happy with yourself. And while you are doing this you can consider just what you want in a relationship.

Stop focusing on the things that you disliked in your previous relationship and the things that didn’t work and focus on the good and wonderful things that you want.

You’ll get to a point where you will know you are focusing on the good things you want to attract because you will have good feelings, happy feelings and when you are really ready to attract someone new and wonderful who is right for you, you may even be able to look back on your past relationships with thoughts of appreciation. That person may not have been the one for you but they did get you to where you are and where you are is the only place you can attract the person who will be right for you and the relationship that you really want.

We all want to attract a loving, wonderful person to co-create a magnificent future with. Change your focus, think about and really feel inside what it is that you want in a relationship, then let it go, don’t dwell on it. Have faith that it will happen for you.

Before you know it you will have attracted the one from your dreams.

Empathizing With a Wife Beater?

By melody

Jim was a thirty-something man who was involved in a violent relationship. He was not proud of his part in the violence and had been attending an anger management group.

He felt to blame for what had happened and was clearly confused and ashamed that he had behaved this way toward the woman he loves. And worst of all, he had done it in front of his children.

He went on to tell of how he had completely lost his cool with his new wife and attempted to strangle her. She had called the police and now he is facing charges for domestic battery.

Understanding Domestic Violence

Most of us hear this story and feel aghast that someone could behave this way. How could someone react so violently toward someone they love?

A while back I remember seeing Oprah struggle to fathom how a wife batterer could take a frying pan to his wife’s head. She was understandably horrified at such a behavior. Most of us are. But what if we could understand it?

As I talked to Jim I listened to his story. He told of being verbally battered by his wife for everything from house cleaning to not having enough education to suit her. She couldn’t accept his not having a college degree and she couldn’t accept his relationship with his son. The night of the strangling event, she had squeezed his family jewels with her fingernails digging into his skin. Because he reacted in a self-defense measure to her intimate violence, he was arrested and will, no doubt have a record that follows him for the rest of his life.

When we feel that we are being attacked we will respond with whatever self-defensive measure we have at our disposal. When our communication skills are limited, as they are for many men, the only resource we have is to resort to some kind of self-protective measure. Now, he could and should have just left the scene. But honestly, how many of us can think that clearly when we are under attack?

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Our brains are wired to respond to threat in certain ways. We have all heard of the “fight, flight, freeze” pattern because it is true of all mammals (yes, we humans are mammals). Our primitive brains are wired for our survival and chemicals are released in our brains that tell us to respond in a automatic pre-programmed ways when faced with threat.

Not all threat as is obvious as what occurred to Jim. Sometimes it’s “merely” verbal attacks. Funny, I heard a heavy metal song yesterday “You hurt me with your mouth”. How many times have we seen the public service commercial spot about words hurting as much as a fist?

Yet we expect men to react to the violence of language calmly and without anger. I am not justifying violence. What I am saying is that verbal violence is just as damaging to our loved ones as physical violence.

We forget that in the middle of a fight, don’t we? We are so bent on our own need for a sense of power and control that we will say and do almost anything to regain control. We have to feel on top, we have to feel that we are “winning” the argument.

Then we get angry and tell our friends how mistreated we are when our partners respond with angry, hurtful words or actions. We can always justify our own behaviors but rarely look at our partners’ reactions with empathy.

Understanding Our Partner’s Reactions

What if we understood that our partner is fighting for their life (or sense of well being) with the same intensity that we are in the midst of a conflict? What if we stepped aside our own defenses just long enough to see the pain the other person feels when they are behaving badly? How would that change how we interpret their behavior?

On the day of the Oprah show when she was listening to the men talk about their violent behavior, I saw her suddenly “get it”. She heard the pain in the man’s voice as he spoke of how desperate he was to get relief from the pain he was in at the moment he hit his wife over the head with a frying pan. At that moment it was the only tool he had to stop the pain. She related to it as she knew that for her, food was the only thing that, at times, could stop her pain. She began to have empathy for the unthinkable behavior of hitting your wife over the head with a frying pan.

When we can take the risk of checking out how our partner is feeling in the midst of a fight, we might just find that we can understand their “crazy” behavior. If we stop and view what they are doing as an attempt to survive what, to them, feels like a threat, then we can perhaps begin to have empathy for them. We can then stop whatever it is we are doing to cause them to feel afraid.

Sometimes it’s a simple thing that we don’t realize is happening. Sometimes, it’s as simple as they are afraid that our behavior means we don’t love them. Maybe we forgot to call when we said we would and they go off on us in a rage. We feel attacked and their behavior seems irrational. But what if we could recognize that, perhaps they are afraid that our not calling means that we don’t love them? Wouldn’t that change how we respond?

Threat takes many forms and it isn’t always obvious. But if someone is behaving in a defensive, irrational manner, you can rest assured they feel afraid and hurt. Responding empathetically to their hurt can transform our relationship with them, in the moment, and forever.

The Top 10 Relationship Success Secrets That Everyone Ought to Know

By lisa

As a couple’s therapist, I’ve seen a myriad of relationships styles.

People who come in for counseling are clearly looking to change something they see problematic in their partnership. The problems range from the relatively benign tweaks in communication to serious pain and trust violations due to infidelity and all sorts of issues in between.

Filtering through all of this, I’ve identified ten characteristics of successful relationships. These qualities are integral parts of a healthy relationship foundation and I believe increase the chances of weathering the storms that life inevitably dishes out.

The Top 10 Characteristics of Successful Relationships

The ten characteristics are as follows and are in no particular order:

1. Friendship

Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their “best friend.”

2. Humor

Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a “you had to be there” moment from the beginning of their relationship.

3. Communication

As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

4. Chore Sharing

Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as “unfair.” Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.

5. Sexual Intimacy

Couples who have their sexual needs met… or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no “right” or “wrong” amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.

6. Affection

Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, “I love you,” without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get “somewhere.” Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.

7. No “Horsemen of the Apocalypse:”

This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman (www.gottman.com) who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His “four horsemen of the apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.

8. Mutual and Separate Friends

Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.

9. Reliability

Most of us want follow-through with our friendships and our partners. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other.

10. Relationship Vision

It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten years? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.

Rock Star Syndrome – Are You In Love With Him or the IDEA of Him?

By loveandsex

Every little girl grows up wanting to be a beautiful princess. So is it any wonder that young girls are so attracted to rock stars, movie stars, and pop idols?

After all, they’re waiting for their gorgeous prince to ride in and rescue them, after which they’ll fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. And in today’s world, these guys are the closest thing they’ll find to a prince.

She thinks it’s true love. But what happens when this young woman figures out she’s not going to be his princess… and then realizes he’s got a princess in every city?

Here’s a question from a lady in Jamaica who’s enamored with someone famous and exotic, but she’s afraid she’s going to make a mistake taking their relationship too seriously and having a baby with him!

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am currently seeing someone who is part of an entourage of someone who is famous. I’m not expecting much from the relationship because I know he has girls throwing themselves at him daily. But, he brings out a certain side of me that I didn’t know existed – I feel ‘free’ when I’m with him.

The last time we were together he asked me a very shocking question. He asked if and when I’m ready to have a child if I would have his child. I really do not know what to do about this crazy relationship.

I try to stop from thinking about him but I am unsuccessful. Is something wrong with me for wanting this type of man?

— Shauna, Jamaica

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBFvWk8dKGI[/youtube]

Embrace How You Feel. There’s Nothing Wrong With You!

It’s OK to feel absolutely any way that you feel. Always embrace your feelings and accept them, but also understand where they’re coming from.

Being enamored with someone who has a life you can only dream of is very common, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Just understand this adoration for what it truly is.

Do You Love Him or the IDEA of HIM?

He says he loves you, and you say you love him.

But the most important thing is to separate the man from the overwhelming essence of freedom, power, and glory. Love the man, not the clothes, the cars, the money, the fortune, the fame. That’s his life, not yours. And it can end as abruptly as it started.

Having a love affair with his image will only leave you empty and feeling cheated when it’s over.

Can You Have a Family with a Man Like This?

Sure you can, but only if you’re fully ready and willing to be a single mom. The free spirit that so attracts you today is NOT “settle down and have a family” material; quite the contrary. Sure there are exceptions, but it normally doesn’t work that way.

You want a family and children with this man? Great. Get together and stay together for a few years. Get married, or not, whatever your preference, and figure out if your love is true. But get close, live your lives together, and then decide if you still truly want to be together for the long run. Only then should you consider bringing children into the world together.

Before that time, you have no way to know if he’ll be around. You’ll still be guessing, but at least it’ll be an educated guess.

How to Set Your Expectations

Is it possible to be in love with someone like this? Absolutely!

But be wary of setting expectations until you fully understand the situation. Base your plans on what is truly there, not on wishful thinking and excitement.

By all means enjoy your life and your times together, and have great fun. And let the relationship grow and evolve at it’s own pace. Don’t try to “lock it in” with marriage or (much worse) by having a child.

Is It EVIL to Say I Love You with No Intention of Getting Married?

By loveandsex

I love you! Love you too! I love you more! No, I love you more!

AAAAAhhhh! Stop it! You hear it every day… people casually throw these magical words around like there was no tomorrow. Sometimes it’s a replacement for “talk to you later” when you’re going to hang up… “Luv you. Love you too.”

Sure, it’s very important to express your feelings to those close to you, to let them know you love them, cherish them, enjoy their company. But what does all this constant “I love you” REALLY mean? What ARE YOU getting yourself into?

Here’s a question from Lee in Ontario. She’s found herself saying “I love you” to her boyfriend more and more lately, and suddenly she’s feeling unsure and uneasy about it. Is she actually misleading him?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am in a 6 month relationship. He says I love you I say I love you back. He says it more I say it more. Yes we are both in love with each other.

If you tell someone you love them a lot, are they going to expect you to marry them? Am I leading him on by telling him I love him – I do. But will I marry him I don’t know. Is it evil to tell someone you love them under these thoughts?

— Lee in Ontario

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh6WvCxWNa8[/youtube]

Does “I love you” mean “I want to marry you”?

NO!!! Love and marriage are two very, very different things. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting married, but there’s also no reason whatsoever to rush into it.

Our society is so hung up on getting married FAST that young girls grow up planning that fairy tale wedding since before they have any idea what love for a partner means. They’re enamored with the idea from their childhood days when they hear stories of the lovely princess that’s rescued by some dashing prince, and he sweeps her off her feet and they get married – and live happily ever after. Yep, it’s really that natural. You meet a guy, he’s not that bad, so you get married before he gets away. Done deal.

STOP IT! Drop that thought and back away slowly.

Marriage is a government sponsored religious construct and may be defined differently depending on your personal beliefs. Separation of church and state aside (just pretend it doesn’t really exist since often times it doesn’t), governments everywhere discriminate against people who choose to share their lives together but not get “married” – i.e. they don’t have a signed government contract together that is blessed by the church.

This is the whole reason why the topic of “gay marriage” is really an issue, and why it will disappear as an issue as we evolve as a society and as a species. The government has no business discriminating against people and telling them who they can and cannot marry. These restrictions originate from one faith or another that some people may subscribe to, but many others do not.

So before you sign that contract, take to time to actually think about what it really means to you on a personal level. Marriage is just the beginning, or the next step, of your life together – not the end goal…

FEAR – “You better marry that girl before you lose her”

One of the main reasons people get married WAY too early in their relationship is fear. Whether it’s pressure from friends and family, pressure from one partner or another, or just pressure to get married before you hit a certain age, it’s all based on fear. And decisions based on fear are almost always decisions you regret later on.

Want to marry the love of your life? Wonderful, do it. But don’t rush into it.

Getting “married” won’t change your relationship, it’ll only change the legal description of your relationship – and make your family and friends happy or sad, depending on whether they like your bride or groom to be.

Finding the person you want to spend your days, months, years with is a wonderful, beautiful thing that not nearly enough people experience. Be grateful for the experience and enjoy it to it’s fullest. But don’t treat it like a quote for a home loan and lock in your rate before your APR has a chance to go up!

You don’t have to get married to have a long and happy relationship

All this rampant fear around getting married too late or “losing that special someone because you didn’t marry them sooner” creates all kinds of silly complications. It’s gotten to where people feel awkward saying “I love you”, and almost feel they have to preface it with “but I’m not going to marry you just yet”.

Express your love freely, and understand that your expression of love and caring is JUST THAT, nothing more. No need to lock in that interest rate until you’re good and ready.

But what if you don’t get married and end up losing that person?

It’s important to remember that being a part of someone’s life is a wonderful privilege. Every day, that special person makes a conscious decision to be with you. That’s a beautiful thing. And you can be happy together for days, weeks, months, years, whether you’re married or not.

People are always changing and growing, some more than others. When you are together with someone, you are either growing together or you are growing in different directions (read: growing apart). If for some reason the time comes to part ways, then so it must be, and that’s OK.

It doesn’t make the time you spent together any less previous and blessed. Just think – if you had been married, then you’d be parting ways and calling it a “divorce” – often a very ugly business, since you have to cancel your government contract AND your religious bond at the same time. Wow, talk about a deterrent.

It’s all OK. Enjoy your time together every day, every moment. And if you feel the special desire to get married, then do it because you wish to further show each other your commitment, not out of fear that it’s too easy to let each other go without that paper. Do it out of love for one another.