Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for Love & Relationships / Relationship Advice

Aaaahh! Why Does She Want to Be ‘Just Friends’?

By

We’ve all known someone who’s loved a woman from a distance… wanted to be with her, but wasn’t sure how to share his feelings for her, how to go up to her and ask her out.

But what’s EVEN WORSE is loving her from no distance at all… being her best friend and wanting, hoping, wishing it could be more.

Here’s a question from a man in Arizona who’s desperately wondering why the woman he loves from the barren depths of the friend zone won’t take that risk to be more than friends…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Well, I have known this girl for a while now and when we started hanging out we were getting ready to take our friendship to something more… but she got scared and left?

Now she keeps coming back in and out of my life and saying that we are good friends. I finally got the courage to ask her why she didn’t let me be the man that she can love, and she told me that we are great friends and she was scared of ruining our friendship.

Why wouldn’t she take the same risk with me that she had taken with others, including her current boyfriend? Help!

– Daniel, Arizona

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYoWES-fETs[/youtube]

Why do Some Women Torture Men by Keeping Them “Just Friends” Instead of Lovers?

Contrary to what some of guys may think, the woman of your dreams (who happens to also be your friend) probably really values your friendship. Yes, it’s possible for women to have dear friends who are men, without being attracted to them in a romantic or sexual sense.

Rampant homophobia aside, straight guys also have both male and female friends they’re very close to, without being sexually attracted to them.

There is of course also the remote possibility that she’s not aware of your feelings. This is a real long shot, and it generally implies that she’s not very observant and doesn’t listen to her intuition. You can always tell if someone likes you – all you have to do is listen.

And, maybe she wants to be with you romantically as well, but she’s afraid to approach you for whatever reason. Maybe she’s shy or afraid of rejection. Maybe she believes the man has to make the first move. Sometimes two people truly want to be together, but neither one makes the move.

Either way, it’s your move. If you want to know, you’ve got to take that first step and make a move. It doesn’t have to be a major item, but escalate things until it’s very, very clear that you are interested.

When You Finally Share Your Feelings With Her, Why Does She Not Reciprocate?

What if you’ve shared your feelings and she STILL doesn’t want to date you? And she’ll probably give you some good, logical reasons for it. But you have to find the REAL deep down reason, and it’s usually not the logical one. As human beings, we often use logic to support emotional decisions, basically a way to excuse what we really want to do.

Here are a few possible reasons…

1. She truly values your friendship more than romance

OK, this one sounds good, but it’s pretty unlikely. People take just about any risk imaginable for the very possibility of finding true love, closeness with another, and of course, amazing sex.

2. She just doesn’t like you that way!

While this is NOT what you want to her, it’s by far the most likely situation. You may WANT her to like you as a lover, but she only likes you as a friend.

Think back… surely at some point in your life, maybe back in school, you had someone attracted to you, but you didn’t feel that way about them. You may have liked them as a person, but you didn’t have romantic or sexual feelings about them. Now, this same thing is happening with you.

Moving On – Letting Go and Finding the RIGHT Woman for You

Hanging out in the friend zone is no way to live. She thinks you’re just being a friend – of course she probably knows very well that you want it to be more, but doesn’t want to lose your friendship. And you’re unhappy because you’re trying to make this relationship into something it just isn’t. That’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to her.

And by keeping her in your life and WANTING it to be more, you’re literally stopping the RIGHT woman from entering your life. It’s time for you to move on and actually find a woman that WANTS to be with you romantically and sexually, not “just friends”. Decide that you’re ready to find someone new, and open yourself to the opportunity of finding that perfect someone.

Approach other women, talk with them, ask them out, and have fun!

The Relationship Secret – How to Use the Law of Attraction in Your Relationships

By

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have read a lot on the law of attraction (including your article on writing down the description of your perfect mate – which I did), but I have one question I cannot find the answer to and I’m hoping you can help me.  I’ve been dating a man on and off for 5 years and while we love each other and have fun together, we have A LOT of differences.  My question is this, “How do you know the difference between when you need to compromise, when you need to use the law of attraction to attract more of what you want from your mate and when you should find a new mate?”

I love the man I’m with, but there are just some differences that I don’t know what to do about.  The law of attraction says focus on what you want, but what if I don’t want to put that amount of energy into this person I’m dating because deep down I’m not sure he’s the right person for me because of our differences?  If I want unconditional love the law of attraction says that I need to focus on that and give that to the man in my life, but what if I’m giving it to the wrong person?

I’m 37 years old and my mate is 17 years my senior, he’s never had kids and I have two (8 & 10), he doesn’t want to move from where he lives and I want to remain close to where my kids go to school (he lives about 35-45 minutes one way from where my kids go to school), he’s retired and I’m not even close, he’s financially stable and I’m not, he requires a lot of attention and I don’t, I just quit hormone replacement therapy out of health concerns and so have lost my sex drive while his remains on high, and the list goes on.  I know a lot of these things can be worked through with compromise, but how much?  So many times we agree to disagree because I simply cannot see his point of view and vice-versa.

He tells me I’m kind of pushing him away with all my reading of the law of attraction because I now question everything, including whether we are right for each other.  Am I the one who needs to change my thinking?  Do I just need to focus on what I like about him and hope that by applying the law of attraction he will transform into the man of my dreams?

Tamara

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4YEWkov_dM[/youtube]

The Biggest Law of Attraction Relationship Mistake

One of the biggest mistakes that we see people, and couples, make when applying the Law of Attraction is trying to change their partner.

Read this next line at least 3 times!

“You CANNOT use the Law of Attraction to change another person, how they behave, or how they feel about you or anything else.”

We get so many questions asking “How can I use the Law of Attraction to make my ex love me again?” or “How can I use the Law of Attraction to make my husband/wife show me more respect?”, etc…

Sorry to tell you this, but you can’t. Period!

The only person on this earth that you have any control over is YOU. Sure, you may think you have control because your partner temporarily agrees to act in a way that you approve of, but you should recognize that he or she can change their mind at any time and start acting in a completely different way – without your approval!

This may be hard to accept, but the sooner you do, the more smoothly all of your relationships will flow.

The Wrong  Way to Use The Law of Attraction in Your Relationships

First of all… Stop trying to change your partner and accept them for who they are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to allow your partner to walk all over you and disrespect you, but at the core, accept them for who they are. If your man doesn’t like shopping all day at the mall, respect that and stop begging him to go. Find someone to go with that actually enjoys shopping. If your woman doesn’t like sports, stop dragging her to the local tavern every Sunday and look at it as a time to spend time with your friends. Ladies, you need to accept this as well.

This is where many of us get confused…

Being in a relationship does not mean that you have to like ALL of the same things and agree on EVERY topic. But for some reason, this is where the most people make mistakes with the Law of Attraction – they want to use it to “fix” their partner. It simply doesn’t work that way.

Identify It

The correct way to use the Law of Attraction in your relationship is to identify the area of your relationship that you want to change, that’s not bringing you joy, that could be just a bit better. Recognize that your happiness in this area has nothing to do with your partner. You and only you are responsible for your happiness. (read that again, and again…)

Some common things that many of us would like to change are:

  • Spending more intimate time with our partner
  • Arguing and fighting less with our partner
  • Feeling loved and appreciated
  • More sex. Less sex. Better sex.
  • Feeling like we have more things in common with our partner

The list goes on and on…

Feel It

Once you’ve decided what you’d like to change. Imagine how that area of your relationship would be if it were perfect. How would you feel? Where would you be? What would you be doing? (Notice I did not ask you how you would change your partner.)

Once you have the feelings secure, write these feelings down in a journal or notebook. Notice that I said feelings, not all of the technical little implementation details. This is another big mistake that people make when using the Law of Attraction. Stop telling the Universe how to do it’s job! Focus on you what you want and be open to ANY avenue from which it may come.

This is a hard one for many of us, because we feel that we need to control everything or it won’t turn out like we want.

Think back for just a minute…

I’ll bet you can remember a time in your life when something did not go the way you planned and you were angry and frustrated, but then 6 months down the road… You realized that it was really for the best.

The answer may come from a completely unexpected source like your partner canceling previous plans to spend more time with you or initiating a surprise sexual encounter. It could even be something that initially seems bad like your car breaking down or your flight getting canceled so that you get to spend more time together. Rather than getting angry or suspicious, how about enjoying the change and saying “Thank You!” to the Universe for getting what you want.

Own It

Now, Go back to your journal every day and read your description of this perfect feeling. Focus on it, visualize it, and know that it is already done. Focus on this ideal until you feel it in your core – and keep it there. One thing that I do is to write up a one sentence affirmation that I can repeat to myself any time I start doubting my own power. A sample affirmation is something like “I am filled with joy, love, and laughter!” – that’s my favorite one when I’m feeling a little low energy. Try repeating that 10 times and not feeling at least a little better. Create your own that is specific to the thing you are trying to change in your life.

“Anything Worth While Has to be Hard” – Huh?

Have you ever heard that “Anything worth while in this life requires work and sacrifice”? I have. From my parents, my grandparents, and my friends. I even believed it for most of my life.

But I’m here to tell you now, out of experience, that it’s total BS! Life does not have to be hard in any way, shape, or form. What makes life hard is “resistance”. Resistance to change, resistance to the way things are, resistance to others, resistance to resistance!

If you just stop holding on, stop trying to control everyone and everything around you, and just accept that life is going exactly as planned and that it’s perfect just as it is, believe it or not, life will get much easier for you.

Rather than trying to control and change your life, spend that time and energy focusing on the life that you want. Don’t give your energy to a single negative thought and your life will change for the better – guaranteed.

Is It Wrong To Be Friends With My Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend?

By

You know the awkward feeling, the uncomfortable glances… when you and your partner run into his ex on the street. Usually the most you’ll see is a brief hello or a nod, and sometimes it’ll be downright hostile.

That’s crazy, isn’t it? Someone that was a major part of your life and was a source of great joy for you certainly deserves more than a nod or a dirty look, don’t you think?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend/fiancee and I have been talking for almost a year and a half. He had a weird relationship with his ex and it was always on and off for a year and a half too.

Sometimes I feel like she was such a better person then me and I have a lot of respect for her even though I don’t know her. We run into her a lot, and my boyfriend only says hello to her friends, since they all graduated together. In a way I want to get to know his ex, but don’t want to come off the wrong way to her.

Everyone I know tells me not to try and talk to her and explain that I don’t want the awkward feeling every time we see each other – which isn’t too often. Yet for some reason I want to get to know her. Should I just email her one day, or just listen to everyone and let it be?

— Susan, Florida

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlk0KzAjQY0[/youtube]

Why are people so nasty with their exes?

The truly sad part is that we actually create these venomous situations ourselves.

People have such a hard time moving on from a relationship that’s no longer working out – accepting that it’s time to move on, that they actually look for reasons to hate their partner so they can break up… reasons to justify the break up to themselves.

By the time it’s all said and done, the relationship is so bad that everyone wants it to be over. And all this just to avoid being honest to ourselves and to one another and admitting that the fit may no longer be there, and it may be time to move on.

It’s really sad how we as a society handle exes. Why can’t we just grow up and get along? We should at the very least have as much respect for someone who was a key part of your life as one would for a stranger on the street.

So this is why months and years after the break up, when you and your partner run into his ex, there’s no love there, only resentment. It’s sad, but we do this to ourselves.

But what if you’re tired of this weird interaction with his ex, and would like to reach out to her?

What if you might even like to be friends with her? Is that really so much to ask? Is it really so unreasonable?

Sure, it’s not commonly done in our culture, but… after all, this woman was a major part of your boyfriend’s life for years. Surely she’s someone you should at least know. Is there anything really wrong with approaching her and asking?

The chances of you actually becoming friends are pretty slim, but it COULD happen.

What’s the best way to approach her?

Unless you happen to run into her a lot alone, i.e. NOT with your boyfriend, sending her an email is probably the way to go. A phone call is fine too, but in this case an email is probably better, since she doesn’t have to answer it if she’s not inclined to do so.

Don’t write a long, drawn-out email however, and don’t get on a long, involved phone call with her.  Truly emotional topics like this are best discussed in person. This is just first contact, and the objective is to get together in person for “a talk”.

When you suggest a time and place to get together, keep it simple and non-threatening. Lunch or dinner is a long time to sit with a person you may REALLY not click with. Suggest something simple and non-committal, like maybe getting together for a coffee.

When you do talk with her, whether it’s by email, phone, or in person, be open, warm, and honest. Tell her what you’ve been thinking, and that you’d like to get to know her better. Keep it simple, and always be open and honest.

So send her the email or give her a call and see where it goes. But be prepared to not hear anything back, or to get a very different response than you might have anticipated.

What if your boyfriend finds out you’re talking to his ex?

Whatever you do, be very up front and honest about this with your boyfriend as well, or you’ll put that relationship in jeopardy. Tell him before she does! The last thing you want is for him to think the two of you are somehow going behind his back and conspiring against him or talking about him.

But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you talking with or meeting another person that you’re inspired to get to know.

Your friends and family will probably advise you against talking with her, just because that’s the common societal bias. But this is YOUR call, not anyone else’s. So make your own decision.

Bottom line – don’t listen to others. Always follow YOUR heart!

High School Sweethearts In Jeopardy – Are We Growing Apart?

By

It’s hard enough for grown adults to stay together and have a happy, long lasting relationship… but that’s nothing next to the challenges faced by high school sweethearts.

These young lovers have the odds really stacked against them, and yet many stay together for the long run. But put yourself in a very young woman’s place…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating this guy since I was 15 and now we are 19. We were absolutely perfect for a year until we separated for a while to see what else was out there. During that time I dated no one and he did stuff here and there that he kept on the low.

It has been 2 1/2 years since our break and because of our separation it is hard for me to trust him. After graduating high school, I thought college was going to be our only issue but in fact college is not an issue at all. He has his own business and I’m just commuting from college.

Our problem is that we are both changing and it has been a struggle. I also was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, which also made it hard.

I have matured quickly, not wanting to party much and all he wants to do is drink and party. I feel like he wants more then just me but when I discuss wanting to still be with me he says that he never wants to let me go and doesn’t want to break up. We love each other more then life offers, but we are going through a bumpy road and sometimes I feel distant from him – but he’s the man I want to spend the future with.

I don’t know what to do; how can we get through this? Is it possible that we will make it? Please give me advice?

— Ashlee, New York

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq43S25lbZY[/youtube]

What can you do to save your relationship and actually stay together through these turbulent years?

The biggest challenge you face is at that age you’re both changing so fast. We don’t believe that any of us begin to settle in and know who we until our late 20’s.

Young women face special challenges with their young partners, since they tend to mature faster. And at that age, all most guys seem interested in is drinking and partying, and having fun. From the guy’s standpoint, he can easily start feeling held back and trapped. This interaction can be very frustrating and can certainly put a strain on the relationship.

Sure, he’s enjoying his fun. But is that really so bad? Seriously. Consider yourself lucky if he ever matures. But be thankful if he doesn’t. Mature turns into “stuffy” surprisingly fast. BORING! And there’s nothing like boredom to kill the magic in a relationship.

On top of that, there’s the pressure of picking the right college, keeping those grades up so you can graduate, and entering the workforce, whether it’s a job or starting your own business. Wow, nothing stagnant here.

Where does all this change leave you? Will you still be together in a year or two?

It doesn’t matter! Really, it doesn’t. IF you spend all your time worrying about the future, you’ll never enjoy today. Focus on where you are right now, today, and worry less about the future. Today is ALL that is real. Yesterday is just a memory, and tomorrow is a promise, a hope, a dream…

One guarantee… your life and relationship will change. Don’t try to keep things the same, allow room to change and grow.

“Hold on loosely”… You can still hold on to each other and love each other, just not so tightly. Understand that in a period of extreme change, not only are YOU changing, but so is your partner. Respect and embrace that change, and your chances of staying together are much higher.

You’re both young. In time, as you both grow and evolve, you may grow together, or you may grow apart. Either way, it’s OK.

Was your time together wasted if you break up after a couple of years?

Absolutely not! This is where so many people get stuck and keep themselves miserable for years. Fact is, people either grow together or they grow apart. Regardless of where your relationship ends up, the time you spent together is treasured and magical.

After all, you don’t spend your life with a person only to reach that last second before you die. This is a perfect example of how life is truly about the journey, not the destination. Life IS the journey, and you’re very lucky if you have a partner with you, to share the experience, for as much of your journey as possible.

Enjoy and treasure what you have, and appreciate the joy it brings you. Focus on today and how you can still be happy tomorrow, instead of spending your days worrying about what might someday be.

Here’s a dilemma from two young lovers in New York facing the dire prospect of growing apart…

Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety

By

Couples seek relationship counseling for numerous reasons. As a professional who works with many different couples with a variety of issues, I’ve identified one similar thread that runs through all of them.

Their relationships lack in varying degrees of “emotional safety.” Typically, the couples who present as the most hostile, distant, angry, disengaged or otherwise dysfunctional are the least emotionally safe together. Even people who come for counseling who have less glaring issues can benefit from a tune-up in this area.

So what is “emotional safety” in a relationship?

I define this as the level of comfort both people feel with each other. There are six aspects in which to assess the emotional safety in a relationship. They are respect, feeling heard, understanding, validation, empathy and love. How can one assess their own relationship based on this paradigm? When working with couples, I often ask each partner to rate, from zero to ten, (zero being “never” and ten being “all the time”) how much they feel each of the six mentioned aspects of emotional safety from their partner. I chart it out with each person’s name written on the top of a piece of paper with a column under each. Then on the left side I list the six aspects with rows next to them.

  1. Respect: How much do each of them feel respected by their partner? People who report low levels of respect often experience criticism or judgment from the other.
  2. Feeling Heard: How much does their partner listen to them? Those who don’t feel heard complain of being ignored, tuned out or talked over by the other.
  3. Understood: How much do each of them feel understood by their partner? People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration around their partner not getting them or twisting their words into an entirely different meaning.
  4. Validation: How much do they each feel validated by each other? Low levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both don’t feel that their partner gets what they’re saying. Its one step beyond understanding and it doesn’t require the partner to necessarily agree with them.
  5. Empathy: How much do they each feel the other can be empathetic with them? A low number on this is the most toxic of the six aspects in that a lack of empathy in a relationship means a lack of attunement to the others emotions. The partner experiencing a lack of empathy can experience a great deal of sadness or anger. “You don’t care how I feel.”
  6. Love: How much do they feel loved by each other? This encapsulates and reflects the state of the previous five. Couples who report low levels of feeling loved by the other typically have low numbers in the other aspects.

Doing this type of charting makes it easy to compare and contrast how each person feels in the relationship. This tool is very helpful to anyone wanting to assess their own level of emotional safety. Be aware that it might bring up a lot for both partners. If the topic proves to cause too much emotional reactivity then a trained therapist can help flesh out the results and provide a road map to make changes. In my work, I find that it often involves altering communication styles, behavior modification and exploration of both partner’s families of origin. The greatest evidence of change in the relationship are these numbers going up – and they can!

Lisa Brookes Kift, M.A., is a Marriage & Family Therapist Registered Intern in San Diego, California. She helps individuals and couples work through a variety of issues. To learn more about her and her services go to www.LisaKiftTherapy.com.