Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for Love & Relationships / Relationship Advice

Seven Easy Ways to Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship!

By

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Melody Brooke. Melody is a Professional, Marriage and Family Counselor and InterPlay leader. Her approach uses body, mind, and spirit to help her clients heal themselves with her gentle and compassionate guidance.

“Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection” provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action :-)).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time.  Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone.  In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection.  And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries.  Show your care don’t just speak it.  Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town.  Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside.  (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged.  Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were.  Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night.  This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone.  This is your time together.  Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them.  Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter.  You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance.  You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy.  In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim.  Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, tough often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible.  Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal.  Most men and many women are touch deprived.  In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them.  Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule.  Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life.  In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning.  Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.

Is He Really Over His Ex-Girlfriend? How Do I Know for Sure?

By

The Question:

I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years, and just found out from his ex-girlfriend that in the first year of us dating he was still sending her flowers, and making CDs of songs that made him think of her. She broke it off for good, and the last 2 years he has been with only me, but he has never gotten me flowers, or even made me a CD, and I don’t think I’d even want it. After finding out what he did the first year of our relationship, I feel like if she would have came running back into his arms he would have left me for her.

Now he tells me he only loves me and wants to be with only me, but as far has being romantic to me, that will never happen, for he did it in the past and it didn’t work, so I just have to love him for him, and not for what he did for her. But I’m like we have been together for 3 years now and you have never gotten me flowers or anything, and he told me it was something between them, and it would only bring up old memories. What do I do????? I love him so much, but all this really hurts bad… I need some good advice… please help me.

The Answer

This question leaves me with a few questions of my own – Is this really about the romance or the fact that you’re not sure if he’s truly over her? Maybe you feel that he doesn’t love you as much as her and that the ‘romance’ would prove his love to you? – Just a few questions to ponder…

It sounds like your boyfriend was not over his previous girlfriend when the two of you decided to get serious, but claims that he is now. This can be a tough one because he never really gave himself time to heal and let go of the previous break up which could result in him carrying around this baggage for a very long time.

Dealing with broken trust

Open communication and honesty are the two most important components of a successful relationship. You have to honestly know in your heart – If his ex-girlfriend called him up tomorrow, would he leave you for her.

He broke this trust at the beginning of your relationship. If he went around your back for a full year, then I’d be concerned about his commitment now. But only you can really gauge if he’s truly moved on.

However, let’s remember that 2 years have passed. People change, feelings, and emotions change. And they tend to change all of a sudden, when the time is right for each person. So while he may have been dishonest with you for a very long time, he may be perfectly committed to you now.

Open and honest communication from this point forward will be critical to the relationship – especially since the trust has already been broken once. Ask him how he honestly feels – you’ll have to be very careful to do this in a trusting, open, and non-threatening way. Otherwise, he’ll just shut down and not talk to you. You also have to be prepared for what you are going to hear – it may not be what you want or expect.

Listen to your heart

Down deep, you know if he’s really and truly devoted to you and shares your love fully. But the trick here is to listen to what’s really there in your heart, not what you want to hear.

Are you jealous of his ex girlfriend?

An important question here… Was romance important to you even before you found out about his affections toward his ex girlfriend?

It’s definitely OK to always grow and change (your mind, your thoughts, your beliefs), but be sure your desire for romantic gestures isn’t just out of jealousy over the ex girlfriend.

You know… “He did it for her, why not me?” That’s a very destructive path.

Identify your needs in the relationship

I don’t think it’s the flowers or CD’s you’re looking for. It’s the way these romantic gestures make you feel – special and desired; to know that he truly loves and desires you.

Understand that romance is a way of life. Not all men feel comfortable with romantic gestures because it really puts their heart on the line. Since he has been rejected before, it may even be more difficult for him.

One idea is to take the time to figure out the exact things that make you feel special and wanted. Sit together and make a list of the top 5 or 10 things that make you feel desired. Make the commitment to do these things for each other on a regular basis, no matter how big or small. Because you’re both a bit jaded in this area, be patient and non-judgmental with one another.

Another thing you can do is help him feel very secure in the relationship so that he will feel safe in making romantic gestures. Compliment him on the little things that he does do and let him know every day how important he is to you and how much you appreciate your relationship. The fastest way to change him is to change your perception of him. Every night before you go to bed write down everything that you like and appreciate about him and your relationship – before you know it, he’ll start giving you even more reasons to appreciate him. It may sound a little backwards, but this is a very powerful exercise.

Stay together or break up?

Different people come into our lives for one purpose or another. Our instinct is to stay with the same person forever because we’re afraid to move on, but sometimes that’s not truly the best answer for us.

Many times people grow apart in a relationship, and are no longer happy together. This is primarily because we’re always growing and changing. When a couple is not completely open and honest in their communication, they often grow in different directions emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When this happens, it may be necessary to move on. I’m not a believer in settling for second best or holding on to a failing relationship.

Spend some time in quiet contemplation or meditation. Ask God, the Universe, or whomever your higher power is, to help you make the right decision for you. If you listen – the answer will come to you. It’s up to you to act on the answer that you receive.

In Summary

The past is only a memory, the future is a dream. Only now is real. Live in the now!

  • As hard as it may be, you should let go of the past and forgive him for the broken trust in the beginning of the relationship whether you choose to continue the relationship or not. “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven”.
  • Decide what’s truly important for you in a relationship and go after it, whether it’s with your current boyfriend or not. Don’t settle or hang on to your relationship for the wrong reasons.
  • Once your feelings and desires are clear to you, sit down and seriously discuss your wants and needs with your boyfriend.
  • If you desire a life of romance and your boyfriend isn’t able to provide it, then it may be time to move on.
  • In this case, I would seriously consider some couples counseling because there are so many issues that you are each dealing with, that you may not be able to get through them alone. An objective 3rd party can really help in a situation where you have so many delicate issues to talk about.

3 Ways to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work

By

The Question: While on holiday during the Christmas break, I met a wonderful man.  We had a great time together and are trying to make a go of a relationship.  But we live in separate countries and if I’m really honest, I’m finding it quite the challenge. 

Can you offer any advice on how to make a proper go at a long distance relationship?

The Answer: Long distance relationships can be quite a challenge. The most important advice that I have to offer is that if you’re going to attempt a long distance relationship, be completely honest with each other about your expectations, make sure that you live your own life when your apart, and check your jealousy at the door.

It’s very important to keep your own friends and social circle and that you don’t sit by the phone waiting for him to call.  That’s the quickest way to go mad. Trust me; I dated a guy in the military who was stationed in Iraq. I lived by the phone for several months and was completely miserable the entire time.

The other thing that can kill a log distance relationship is jealousy. If you’re constantly worried about what he’s doing or who he’s with, again, you’ll drive yourself mad.

Recognize that we are social beings and we all crave companionship and closeness with another human being. Is it really reasonable to ask either of you to remain exclusive, when you’re so far apart? To ask each other to be lonely and miserable when you aren’t together?

Many people will disagree with me, but I don’t feel that a long distance relationship should be exclusive. You’re only setting each other up to fail or to at least be lonely. When you’re ready to truly be exclusive with one another – move closer so that you can really be together.

Lastly, be completely honest with one another in a compassionate and empathetic way. Tell the truth about how you’re feeling, but make it about how you’re feeling, not what the other person is or is not doing. Remember, you are the only one responsible for your feelings and your actions. No one else can make you feel a certain way or behave in a certain way.

Hope this helps.

In summary:

If you want to have a successful long distance relationship,

  • Keep your own friends and social circle
  • Check your jealousy at the door
  • Be completely honest about your expectations and feelings

Take a few minutes to read our answer to a very similar question that we received about long distance relationships.

Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

By

The Question: I met a wonderful man in April 2006. On our first date he told me that he would be moving across the country for graduate school in August and would not be interested in a long distance relationship.  I continued to date him anyway, and we had a great relationship for 5 months.  We saw each other every day and basically lived together.

When it was time for him to move, I told him that if he was willing to change his mind, I’d love to stay together and do the long distance relationship, but he was sure it would cause too many problems.  He wanted to keep a friendship and to stay on good terms so a future together might be possible.  Since he moved, we have spoken almost every day.  He flew me to New York for Thanksgiving, and Florida for Christmas so I could meet his family.

It’s been bothering me that he won’t commit to be exclusive with me, so I told him to either stop calling me every day telling me he misses me and giving kisses over the phone, or show me he wants to be with me and be my boyfriend.  I felt like I was giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend, without him having the responsibility of having a girlfriend. He thinks I’m worried too much about the title.  I don’t know what to do because we’re a really great match.

Should I continue to talk to him and stop worrying about the title?

Or should I break up with him and move on to find someone who wants to call himself my boyfriend?

The Answer: I think your boyfriend is very wise and is showing great responsibility by not making promises that he’s not necessarily ready to keep. He told you up front what his expectations were for the relationship – something that a lot of men would not have been strong enough to do.

I agree with him, boyfriend is just a title.  The terms boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife are often used to imply ownership. Titles are for cars, not people. We cannot own or control another person, especially their feelings and emotions – as hard as we may try…

It sounds like he really likes you and that you have a great relationship.

Why does the relationship have to be exclusive for you to enjoy each others company?  If your relationship is strong enough, why not just agree to be completely open and honest with each other. Agree to tell each other if you’re seeing someone else.

Seeing someone else doesn’t mean your relationship has to end. That’s just jealousy rearing its ugly head. Jealousy is an emotion of fear and control. We’re afraid of losing something that doesn’t even belong to us in the first place.

Since you’re so far apart

Why insist you each be lonely and miserable during the times that you can’t be together. Go out and enjoy life, rather than sitting around waiting by the phone. That way when you are together, you can really have fun and enjoy each other without the worry and dread of when it’s going to end and you have to be apart again.

If you’re afraid of losing him to someone else, then you are letting fear and jealousy get in the way of a perfectly good relationship.

Are you ready for a really controversial statement?

“Complete honesty and trust in a relationship is more important than complete monogamy.”

Trust has nothing to do with what someone is doing or who they’re with.

My definition of trust is “knowing that the person you’re with feels comfortable enough with you to tell you absolutely anything without fear of retribution.”

Dan and I have an agreement that if we are ever interested in someone else, we’ll talk about it and if it seems like the right thing to do, then so be it. Isn’t it a little selfish to keep our partner from being happy, just to satisfy our own selfish desires?

“Unconditional, or true love means that you love someone regardless of what they say, do, or feel. Love is something we give, not something we take…”

This is probably not what you’re going to hear from other people, but I recommend not trying to hold on so tight and letting things develop naturally. Enjoy the time you do have together. Life flows much more easily when we stop trying to control other people and make them fit into out tight little boxes. And trust me; we all have our boxes of how we think reality ‘should’ be.

In summary…

  • Accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
  • If you’re going to have a long distance relationship with him, then enjoy it for what it is, see each other when you can, and stop worrying about commitments and what he’s doing when you’re not around.
  • When the time is right and you’re BOTH ready, you can make a more serious commitment.
  • Worry less about what everyone else says that you should do and follow your heart.

Relationship Secrets… Should I Have Told Her?

By

The Question: I’ve been seeing a girl for 4 months. We were serious but she started teaching and wanted to take it down a notch because she is under so much stress from the internship and she has anxiety attacks and is on medication for them. I found out today that another reason she can’t be serious with me is that I get mad at things she thinks I shouldn’t.

During the 4 months we have been seeing each other I’ve kept it a secret that I have anger issues from a head injury I got a couple of years ago. This injury left me with small lesions that affected my mood, memory, and some motor and thinking skills. Even though I’ve been through therapy for it and have gotten somewhat better, I hate telling girls, or anyone else, because I don’t want to use it as a crutch or a sympathy card.

I got so worried after tonight that she was seriously going to dump me that I sent her an email telling her of my ailment. The last girl I dated and told her about it kinda disappeared, so I’m a bit scared what she will do because I really like this girl. I just couldn’t let her keep thinking that I’m a jerk when my anger is only so much in my control.

Should I have told her about the lesions and how they affect me or should I have kept my mouth shut? 

The Answer:

Whether you should have told her or not doesn’t really matter since you already told her. What’s done is done. As a rule I never regret absolutely anything. You can choose to learn from all your choices and experiences and do something different next time, but stay away from regret and self doubt. They only hurt you and lead to uncertainty, which leads to more regrets. 🙂

But keep this in mind for the future… You should always talk about a serious or emotional topic in person, never on the phone or via email. In an emotional situation like this, if you really need to get it off your chest, type up that email and then save it in draft or delete it all together. You’ll feel better and will still have the opportunity to let things cool and have a calm chat in person.

From my perspective, full disclosure is a must if you’re considering a long term committed relationship with someone. Otherwise, secrets (small or large) seem to create a heaviness over the relationship because you’re always wondering if the other person will find out. Most likely, your partner will find out anyway because secrets have a way of coming out eventually.

It is however a good idea to wait to share certain intimate details until it looks like the relationship is actually going somewhere. Picture going on a first date with someone and you both go through a laundry list of countless little things that "the other person should know". Most of those are completely irrelevant if you don’t build a relationship. Unless you have a firm foundation and you truly want to be together, none of that stuff really matters… and it could torpedo your chances of getting to know each other.

Regardless of any disability, she was attracted to the person you are today, and the person you’ve been for those four months. Period.

Your best chance to salvage the relationship and keep her is to confront the anger problem aggressively. Start a new anger management therapy program, or whatever else you think will work, and include her. But definitely take action to make it better. That way she’ll see that you truly care for her and you’re serious about making her happy and being with her.