Relationship Advice

Seize The Day

All my senses come to attention as I hear the sound of fire trucks passing through. I feel a slight increase in my breathing and send out my silent hope that whomever the fire trucks are for will be okay. As I pause to consider the situation, I’m curious to know why it often requires calamity in order for us to really start appreciating things and seizing the day.

My desk is a great example of how things become so easily ignored – all around me are photos of the people who are important to me, trinkets that have some sentimental value, cards given to me by loved ones, a medallion that Mother Theresa blessed, a small statue of the Buddha, and so forth. And yet even right now, my focus will wander onto other things, and I’ll completely fail to see what’s right in front of me. However, it has to be said that I’ve come a long way – these days I don’t need the wake-up call as frequently as I used to, simply because I have stayed committed to being present and staying awake, and I’m thankful that I’ve been able to make progress on that front.

Awake!

But of course the reason I react so strongly to the familiar sirens now is because it’s personal for me – I used to be that person who stayed in the comfort zone until something came and forcibly shook me out of it from time to time. I was spiritually asleep, and these interruptions would suddenly show me the temporary and fragile nature of life. I would get a fleeting glimpse of what it was like to be awake, only to slip back into slumber again.

In the end, however, it’s these wake-up calls that have transformed me over time, and now that I know what to look for and how to respond, this has helped me stay awake for more of the time. If I have a day where I wake up feeling sore, it’s just my body telling me to take it easy for a day or so – it’s not a reason to complain or make excuses for my age. If I don’t always get what I want, rather than looking for someone to blame or playing the victim or doubting my competence, instead I just keep on living, knowing that good things are on their way, perhaps even better than what I originally asked for. When I lost my father to a heart attack, it became clear to me that I should never deny myself the opportunity to love, even when I have not been loved in the way I wanted. Unfortunately, that was a lesson learned the hard way.

I do sometimes think that I’d like staying awake to be easier, that it can be a hassle sometimes to have to constantly be vigilant and try to stay present for the important things. It’s like the old Zen tale of all the masters gathering to discuss where to hide the Key of Life. One suggests that they could hide it at the bottom of the ocean, but the others say it would be too easy to find there. Another suggests the top of a mountain, but again the others dismiss this option. Finally, after much discussion, they finally realize where the best place to hide the key is, the place where humans would never think to look – inside themselves.

When A Woman Tries To Control, Rescue, Or Fix Her Man

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Every once in awhile I get to experience what it’s like for a man when a woman tries to control, rescue, or fix him. Every time it happens, I get a hint of how humiliating it is for men to have women mother them in this way.

Did you know that women do to other women what they do to men? They try to control, rescue, and fix their friends. I don’t know how other women react to it but I don’t like it. I have a mother. She’s the perfect mother for me and I don’t need another woman attempting to fill that role. Gentlemen, does this sound familiar?

Depending on which woman friend in my life attempts to control, rescue, or fix me determines the degree to which I feel humiliated by her efforts. Some friends are so endearing in their approach that I can’t resist them. To be perfectly honest, when I get in the same mothering mode, I try to be as endearing as possible! I admit it is sheer manipulation meant to make me feel better about interfering in my friends’ (or my husband’s) lives. Yet I can fall for the manipulation when it’s delivered in a sweet and loving way.

Manipulation vs. Sheer Will

Today, I felt manipulated in a way that irritated me. A friend interrupted my attempts to clean up after a social event. I thought I was done clearing away trash and had washed my hands. She had more to add to the garbage bag. Because I mentioned I’d washed my hands, she tried to take the task away from me whereas I’d resigned myself to complete the task and just wash my hands again. She argued with me and tried to physically take over. I wouldn’t let her and as I was finally finishing up, she shoved one of those hand gels in front of my face to rescue me from having to rewash my hands! I chuckled and said, “No thank you. I’d just as soon wash them again.” She sort of stormed away at that point.

Why didn’t I just let her take over? Because I took pride in the task and wanted to take care of it myself. With each attempt on her part to rescue me, I felt increasingly manipulated and patronized. If you are a woman reading this article, you might not be able to empathize. But if you are a man reading this article, I bet you understand. It feels awful to have a woman try to mother you by attempting to control, rescue, or fix you. When you are handling any situation, you don’t need rescuing. And if you need help, you will ask for it!

So, to help my female readers gain some empathy with a man on this issue, let me put it another way. Chances are you have someone in your life that makes you feel patronized every time she belittles your efforts, tries to rescue you as though you are a child, or attempts to make you better by making you over in her image. If you will bring that person to mind and remember what it feels like to be treated thus, I guarantee you can empathize with your man when he resents your attempts to make him better – or make him over.

When Women Manipulate Men

For my gentleman readers, if you have a lady in your life who tries to control, rescue, or fix you; pay attention the next time she complains about the manipulative woman in her life. Then the next day (not in the same conversation), gently and lovingly say, “Would you like for me to confide in you something that is very tender for me? Something that makes me feel vulnerable with you? Sometimes you want me to open up. I have something to share but I need you to really listen to me. Are you ready?”

She’ll look at you with big, puppy dog eyes ready to lap up this self-disclosure. Depending on her personality, you may have to add, “Now, this may strike you as offensive but if you’ll stay with me, I think we can help each other and improve our relationship. Would you like to try?”

“YES!” she replies.

Then in your own words and as gently as possible tell her that the way she feels when her friend patronizes her is how you feel when she tries to ________ fill in the blank______.

When He Opens Up

If you are gentle and loving and if her heart is in the relationship, she ought to be able to hear you. Tempers might flare a little bit. But if you stay with wanting to let her know how you feel rather than make her wrong, you will go far with this. You can even say, “Listen, this is a problem all men have. It takes even less manipulation for us to feel the way you feel when your most manipulative friend does her number on you. I’m just laying it all out here. Because the more you trust me to be the man, to take care of things in my own way, the happier you will be because there will be less tension.”

I have one more piece of advice. If your woman is the kind who takes advantage of your opening up in order to dig really deep inside you, don’t let her. Assure her that this piece is huge. It’s enormous! If she will absorb the information and integrate it over the next several days, she will see how very much she has been given with this one self-revealing topic.

Ladies, if you can respect how meaningful this is and not require him to go deeper or share more, you’ll reap big benefits. In addition, within about twenty-four hours, you’ll have your new understanding tested as something happens and you find yourself itching to control, rescue, or fix him. The real work begins when you choose to not go there!

Moving From The Blame Game To The Joy And Satisfaction Game

By sarahelizabethmalinak

In the middle of an argument with my husband the other night – one of those getting ready for bed and “oops” someone said the wrong thing experiences – I had a humbling revelation. I discovered that making comparisons is just another way of playing the blame game.

As someone who holds the intention to stop blaming others, I’d completely overlooked the not-so-innocent habit of making comparisons, especially comparisons between men and women where women always come out on top! Comparisons such as women are better at nurturing relationships, better at communication, better at being thoughtful, better at anticipating relationship problems, better at taking action to solve those problems, etc. As relationship coaches and mentors, understanding the differences between men and women is part of our business! However, there is an important distinction between understanding differences and making evaluative comparisons.

Stop Playing The Blame Game

Then a friend of mine, Kaliana, expressed this thought at her blog, “Erase from your relationship ‘who is to blame’ and replace it with ‘how do we grow?’” Although the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely a couple is to atrophy into playing the blame game; some people carry it from one relationship to another. They sing the “S/he done me wrong” song on the first date and ever after until the next refrain is, “You done me wrong!” At any point in your relationship (or your life for that matter), you can learn to shift from the blame game to the joy and satisfaction game by asking yourself at every turn, “How do I/we grow?”

Blaming others shows up in many ways. I’ve already mentioned the comparison version. When women compare their men to themselves or their girlfriends and find the men lacking, the men wind up getting blamed for their masculine essence. On one of this year’s Super Bowl commercials, I heard the most amazing line from a man about his woman. It went something like this, “I will listen to you when you want to talk and not speak when what I want to say isn’t what you want to hear.” That’s insane! You don’t have to read between the lines, the not so hidden message is right there. Men, to make your women happy, don’t speak – ever; unless, of course, you plan to agree with her.

The commercial was funny but many couples’ lived reality isn’t. Any comparison that results in shutting down communication means somebody got blamed for being less than ideal – for being human.

Blame Without Words

More typical ways people play the blame game shows up in things like name calling, tone of voice, eye rolling, exiting the room, resentment filled sighs, etc. You know when you do that you’ve blamed your lover for something. If you’re sensitive at all you realize that you just struck a mean blow with the blame and now any further conversation will take a downhill turn before things can get better between you.

What you may not realize is that even when you think you’re keeping those little blame game behaviors private; such as rolling your eyes out of their view, claming the sigh means you’re just tired, or calling them names inside your head but not speaking it out loud, the blame game is still going on and suffering will ensue.

My friend’s antidote of asking how we can grow is genius! Oftentimes, the very thing that gets on your nerves today was something you once found charming. Asking how you can grow from this experience can get you back in touch with how you once perceived them and what you felt about them when you first fell in love. It can be a reminder that you don’t want to become one of those embittered couples that no one wants to be around.

How To Stop Blaming Your Partner

If you find yourself blaming your lover because he or she has gotten into the habit of taking you for granted, perhaps even being downright rude and mean, you can grow from the experience by exploring what in you has allowed yourself to be treated badly. If you find yourself blaming your lover because of the complex differences between men and women you can grow through making the choice to celebrate your differences instead.

If the blame game turns into one of those excruciating, cathartic fights, you can grow from choosing again to commit yourselves to love each other with expressions of loving kindness, compassion, empathy, and respect. You can grow each and every time you stop yourself at the blame game and make another choice. When you are vigilant about not playing the blame game, choosing instead to grow from the stuff that bothers you, you find you have a happy relationship, even a life, full of joy and satisfaction.

Choose Pro-Dad Over Pro-Life

By maryannecomaroto

This is most certainly a rant rather than a blog, but I hope you’ll allow me this indulgence, and excuse my use of strong language. This is an issue that many single mothers, including me, can related to, and I think it’s important to address.

You may have heard the news about Scott Roeder, who was recently found guilty of first-degree, premeditated murder. He admits to having shot Dr. George Tiller, and it only took the jury just over half an hour to reach a guilty verdict.

From the Associated Press: Scott Roeder had confessed publicly before the trial and admitted again on the witness stand that he shot Tiller in the head in the foyer of the Wichita church where the doctor was serving as an usher. He testified he felt the lives of unborn children were in “immediate danger” because of Tiller.

I cannot imagine the pain and emotional outrage the Tiller family must be going through right now. This kind of senseless loss is unfathomable, and as I think about this situation, I’m noticing my own prejudices coming to the surface. Putting emotions aside for the moment, I’m curious as to why we direct our anger toward the symptom rather than the illness.

Preventing Abortion?

How about instead of shooting the messenger, let’s analyze the message. If more women stopped using their insecurities and then their bodies to entice men into relationships, and if more men would take responsibility for their actions and, well, man up, perhaps the abortion rate wouldn’t be as high as it is. Sex is is not about playing around – it’s a responsibility, and becoming a parent is a possible outcome that needs to be taken very seriously. If we get in line with our inner wisdom, we would easily see that the equation is simple: if you want the enjoyment of sex, you have to accept the potential consequences, as well. Perhaps if we dealt with the buried issues that cause us to use sex as a bargaining chip, there would be less inclination to use abortion as birth control.

Biologically, the point of sex is reproduction, but if you look around at the number of kids with absent dads, it’s easy to see that people don’t really take their responsibilities seriously.

So what if instead of Pro-Life, America went Pro-DAD? Then the news might read more like this:

Across the country, men are suddenly stepping up to the plate, as the responsibilities of having sex finally become clear to them. They have finally begun to comprehend that their place as fathers is to personally show their children how to survive and get along in the world, while the mother takes on her role in teaching the children to love themselves. In this way, parents are now able to provide a situation in which they raise their children as a team, and create a dynamic of mutual respect where the child feel safe and secure. Without this partnership, a single mother struggles to meet all the needs of the child, both physically and emotionally. Men and women everywhere are coming to the conclusion that each of us has a responsibility to be honest about our actions. As a result, the abortion rate has dropped dramatically.

Q&A: What’s The Best Age For Your First Committed Relationship?

By loveandsex

Having a committed relationship can be challenging, and having a committed relationship over a long distance can be even more difficult. What is the best age for a committed relationship, especially for one over a long distance? Can long distance relationships really work? Here’s how you can give your relationship the best shot at success.

Question: I have a question on long distance relationships. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 2 years now and we’ve been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months now. I live in Belgium and she lives in Canada. I’m 18 and she’s 16. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? Do you think we’re too young to have a committed relationship?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94_x13rta9o[/youtube]

Too Young?

There really isn’t a “set age” for how old you have to be to be in a committed relationship. However, many teens are committing themselves to relationships with their partners before they’re even ready and this can often end in heartbreak. A person’s body – both mentally and physically – really isn’t ready to have a healthy, committed and happy relationship until at least the age of 26 and maybe even 27 or 28. Mentally and emotionally, we’re still growing before then. We’re still trying to figure out who we are and learning how to live in our own skin comfortably, and that can be difficult enough without adding another person to the equation. Getting into a committed relationship before you’re really ready – and have truly accepted yourself and grown into who you are as a person – can seem fine at first but can quickly turn disastrous. While some young people do have successful committed relationships, it is often not without struggle. Before you make a real committment to another person – long distance or not – make sure you’re really ready and don’t take the decision lightly.

Long Distance Relationships

Many people make long distance relationships work, but the most successful of these types of relationships are between two people have made plans to make the long distance part of the relationship a temporary one. Having an indefinite long distance relationship can be extremely difficult, and often doesn’t end well. If you haven’t already, consider making plans – even if that requires one or both of you to make some changes – to be together sometime in the not too distant future. The biggest hurdle you are going to face during a long distance relationship is not having any personal contact with your partner. Even a hug or a kiss makes a big difference in a relationship and goes a long way in making both you and your partner feel loved and valued. To make your long distance relationship work, make sure you and your partner are completely honest with each other. Having open and honest communication with your partner daily or as often as you can is the best way to try and keep your relationship afloat. Any dishonesty or a let down in communication will easily break the threads of the relationship, much more easily than if you and your partner were in a face to face relationship.