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7 Ways To Tell If Your Friends Are True

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I grew up with my mother telling me I was lucky if I could count all my real friends on one hand! Of course, I didn’t listen then but it occurred to me after a string of disappointing intimate relationships (friendships) that maybe she was right—again. That it might be wise to invest more time in creating some deep and lasting friendships, as they theoretically seemed to have greater staying power and could be in many ways equally fulfilling.

How To Create A Deep, Meaningful Friendship

My history with friendships was rather sketchy and my role models even more so – in terms of friendships and romantic relationships. My mother barely trusted women (her best friend slept with my dad) and my father, well, made a lot of offers people couldn’t refuse. Childhood aside, the relationship skills I had gathered afforded me as many pleasant and happy memories as traumatic or forgettable ones. Over the years, many of the good friendships had been more fragile than I liked, and oftentimes out of balance one way or the other. Yet, the ones I did maintain (for whatever length of time) offered a mutual comfort that, when absent, left me yearning for that very specific kind of connection that only a platonic camaraderie offers—one that, no matter how compatible, a sexual relationship does not.

How To Tell If A Friend Is A Good One

So, how do you tell if someone is got the right stuff to be your new BFF or just a GF? I figure that most of our same propensities arise when it comes to friendship as they do in an intimate relationship—except, of course, Le sexe. It’s safe to say that we are looking for many of the same things in a friendship that we are looking for in a relationship. You know – someone to hang out with, someone you have something in common with, someone to listen to you, who will be interested in your life, someone you can count on no matter what life throws at you.

Finding these select few, these magical, unconditionally (most of the time) loving fantastic friendships can take some sussing out. Once you have decided that you want some great ones—who, if you’re lucky, just may be around throughout your lifetime—here are a few things to keep in mind. They just might make your journey a little easier done than said!

Set your intention—it works with friends too. Maybe you want to make two or three new good friends in the next year. Set achievable goals.

Set forth your criteria. What do you want? I wanted girlfriends who were self-sustaining, had a daily practice of self-care, who were on a similar spiritual track, and who had impeccable communication skills, etc.

List your non-negotiables, the things that just won’t work for you. One of mine was, “If you are upset you need to tell me directly and not make unilateral decisions that affect me as well.”

  • Interview well, ask good questions and wait and see if their actions match their words.
  • Don’t settle (even if you’re bored or desperate, you’ll be sorry you did!).
  • Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, better now than later, I always say.
  • Set your boundaries regarding money, men, and all things sacred!
  • Give as much as you get and make sure it flows the other way too!
  • Take your time, no need to rush, getting to know a new friend is fun and should be savored, and trust is built over time.
  • Most of all, be silly, be yourself, and have some fun!

And remember, great relationships, including friendships, begin within!

The Problem With Pleasure

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The problem with pleasure is nothing…except the interpretation we bring to it.  Sometimes I think the only other topic with more confusion around it is that of money (i.e. the misreading of scripture that “money is the root of all evil”).  From a similar, puritanical place we are taught that pleasure is synonymous with selfishness.  That it degrades the spirit.  That giving pleasure is better than receiving it.  That we shouldn’t have too much fun because then something bad will happen.

Different Kinds Of Pleasure

There are aphorisms and superstitions around the topic of pleasure that do not serve anyone.  Truth told: pleasure should be the predominant experience of a person’s life with pain being the exception. Of course, here at AskDanandJennifer.com, the kind of pleasure that first comes to mind is sexual pleasure.  But pleasure is something that should be a part of most of our pursuits in life.  In your job, career, volunteer work, hobbies, friendships, family, shopping, religious or spiritual expression, there should always be a pay off for giving your time, attention, and talents to these pursuits.  And the pay offs should provide genuine pleasure.

For instance, some people choose careers in order to please their parents.  To make a different choice, even if it brought personal satisfaction and pleasure, would produce too much guilt.  There’s a negative pay off to pursuing the career or job that makes the parents happy and that is you get to feel loyal.  But that loyalty can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and deep unhappiness.  Whereas, suffering a little guilt and pursuing your dreams can produce satisfaction, joy, and tremendous happiness!

Over-Pleasing

Some people are the sounding boards for practically every single person in their lives.  They wind up giving and giving and giving until it hurts!  They give their time, attention, even their money, to make sure that the people in their lives know they are loved and valued.  The problem is these folks don’t get this kind of love and attention returned to them.  They are so easy to get along with and so pleasing, that everyone who uses them thinks they’re fine, that they have it all together, and that they don’t anything from anybody.

There is initial pleasure for the giver in such relationships because it does feel good to be so well appreciated.  However, the day comes when most conversations with your friends and colleagues make you feel like a used, dirty rag.  Real pleasure comes from relationships that have healthy give and take from both sides.  Everyone needs to receive regular attention and nurturing support. Some give of themselves sexually in such a way as to please their partner for fear that attending to their own pleasure will have bad results.  They fear coming across as too self-centered.  Truthfully, there is no greater pleasure than knowing your lover totally trusts you with his or her sexual pleasure.  It is a huge complement when your partner melts at your touch, or over the way your breath feels on the back of her neck, or through the direct eye contact he gives you that lets you know you’ve found the exact right spot.

Sexual Pleasure

If your romantic partner refuses to find pleasure in your sensuality and makes you feel wrong in any way for desiring sexual pleasure or sensual attention; it takes a lot of courage to confront the situation inside yourself, in the first place, and with him or her as well.  Our bodies, minds, and souls were built to receive pleasure.  If you deny yourself this natural, human expression, you’ll pay dearly with resentment, anger, even depression.  Allowing someone to determine that you are bad or wrong for desiring pleasure is the same thing as denying yourself.

Having trouble with pleasure is built in to a variety of cultures around the world.  However, there is a simple and effective way that will allow you to open up to receive more pleasure in your life.  It does take courage and some effort, but it’s worth it. All you have to do is commit to loving yourself more each day.  People who love themselves allow greater amounts of pleasure into their lives.  If they are alone, they take care of their own needs and desires.  If they are in a relationship, they learn how to effectively ask for what they want.  Because they appreciate themselves and their own pleasure so much, they have a whole lot of love and pleasuring to give as well.  A circle of energy is created in their lives with plenty of give and take in most of their relationships.

Pleasing Yourself

With a commitment to love yourself more each day, you find yourself doing and saying things to you that you would give to someone you highly value.  You say, “I love you!” to yourself.  You give yourself good strokes for things well done.  You dress in such a way that you enhance your good feelings towards yourself.  You are patient with yourself and yet you challenge you to be better, strive farther, and accomplish more because you value your potential! These kinds of things will give you pleasure.  As your self-worth and pleasure increase, you will attract those who desire to give you pleasure as well.  And then life will be fuller, richer, and sweeter – with the hard times handled with more grace and confidence.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Is How Men Spell Love

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I got a phone call this week from a woman whose relationship was falling apart. It had been fading for a long time and likely didn’t have the potential to be re-birthed. She wanted a magic cure for it. I worked with her from her perspective of trying to save it and towards the end of an hour long conversation, we got to the nuts and bolts of what had likely gone wrong; which was also the thing that could bring the relationship back to life.

Losing All Respect

What had gone wrong was within a couple of years of their relationship, she stopped respecting her man. When you stop respecting someone, there is no neutral. No respect results in words and behavior that communicate disrespect. Disrespect from his woman will tear at a man’s love for her. If they don’t catch the problem and fix it, that disrespect will ruin the relationship.

As I coached her to share respect in verbal and physical ways, I faced a challenge I always face whenever I have this conversation with a disrespecting woman. I said to her, “Men are just fine as they are. They don’t need to be fixed or improved. The way they are, the way they handle themselves, is perfectly fine.”

She interrupted me at that point and said, “For them,” meaning men are only perfectly fine just the way they are in the company of other men but not in the company of women. There is the rub. There is the relationship disrespect that makes a man walk away. It is subtle and insidious. Nothing says “I love and adore you,” to a man quite like verbalizing and showing your respect of him. Remember or imagine what it is or would be like when your fellow says, “I love and adore you!” It nurtures you, feeds you, and improves the relationship. In the exact same way, that is how a man experiences the words, “I respect you.”

How To Express Your Respect

I have to be honest, though. It isn’t easy for a woman to express her respect for a man either verbally or through her actions. I don’t know why it isn’t easy. It does seem to be a universal challenge for women. I imagine the answer to why is multi-dimensional and multi-generational. But at the end of the day, “why” doesn’t matter.  This is a relationship problem that behavior modification can solve.  It takes discipline but is quite simple. Whenever you find yourself respecting or admiring him for anything, no matter how small or big a deal it is, tell him so. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable. You may choke on the words, but say it. You’re not the only person in the room and I can tell you from experience, he will not experience your discomfort. Rather, he will feel seen, heard, appreciated, and deeply loved. Those are results that make the discomfort worthwhile!

Show him you love him. When your best girlfriend shares an interest with you that you could care less about, you don’t dismiss her or tune her out. But we tend to roll our eyes and huff and puff when the men we love request our attention for something they’re interested in that we are not. Stop those eyes from rolling, focus on him and give him your full attention. He will feel respected and he’ll adore you for it. This isn’t about becoming “perfect respecters.”  Relationships can’t be perfect.  Life and relationships are messy on this planet.  The thing is there are ways to make life and relationships more fun and fulfilling.  Women respecting men and men loving women are key ingredients to the recipe of making life and relationships yummy!

Grief Can Affect Your Relationship In Surprising Ways

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Our beloved dog, Buddy, died this week.  As a rescue dog, we were never sure of his age, but believe he was at least fifteen.  He was a big black dog with white and black dotted “socks” on his feet.  Of all the breeds that contributed to his physique, the Labrador retriever in him was most evident.  He was beautiful and he seemed to think I had hung the moon.  He was a dear family member and, although it is a privilege to be able to help a pet exit this earthly plane, letting him go was painful.

How Grief Can Affect Your Relationship

This journey with Buddy brought home to me the affects of grief on a relationship.  Grief is a part of every loss, whether it is the loss of a precious heirloom, a job or career, a quality like faith, or a relationship.  Some women even feel grief when a fingernail breaks!  It doesn’t tend to be long lasting grief, but the loss brings an experience of grief, even if it is short lived.

There are a variety of ways grief can affect your relationship.  The most notable is how when we’re grieving our attention turns inward.  It can be difficult to tolerate other people complaining about the trials and tribulations of their lives.  If your significant other is used to depending on you to process the irritations of the day, you can find it bugs you in a way it never did before.  Impatience and arguments can then ensue.

How Grief Affects You

Impatience with the things in life that don’t work tends to become inflamed during grief.  Not being able to get the cap off a bottle can result in a broken bottle and feelings of rage.  Too many things going wrong, even if they’re insignificant, can result in head banging or a fist through a wall.  At this point the grief becomes complicated with the addition of shame for having lost such control over something so seemingly meaningless.

Another way grief affects you and your relationship is how it makes your body ache.  It is as if your muscles respond to your emotional state.  It can cause you to feel listless and lifeless.  Things that used to bring you joy simply don’t any more.  Your appreciation for those things will return; but in the meantime, your spouse may be frustrated as his or her attempts to lift your spirit with these things fall flat.

Grieving affects your appetite.  Some people crave nurture food when they grieve and others eat less.  If your relationship has problems with food, grief can shake it up.  If dieting is a big part of your relationship, turning to food can cause a great deal of stress.  If your partner is concerned that you are eating too little, he or she can come across as a nagging mother and cause consternation.

Grief Is An Expression Of Love

When grief accompanies a loss through death or separation; landmines (in the form of memories and habits) lie everywhere.  My dog Buddy was my shadow.  With his declining health, I was in the habit of sneaking out of my office when taking little breaks so as to not wake the sleeping giant.  Usually I failed at this and he would pull himself up off the floor, following me to the kitchen or laundry or wherever.  During this first week following his death, whenever I get up from my desk my stomach clinches as I anticipate trying to sneak out, hoping he’ll continue to sleep, only to find the floor beside my desk is empty.  When the loss is a family member and the landmine is, for instance, bath time with a child that no longer takes place, grief can be crippling to the parents and to their relationship.

The solution to the problem is time and patience.  Joy will return.  Happiness will come back.  Sleeping through the night will occur.  Laughter will fill the belly.  These things and more will creep back into your life (or your loved one’s life) unexpectedly.  You won’t be able to plan them on your calendar but they will return.  In the meantime, recognizing the toll grief takes while choosing to be patient begins the healing process.

If you or a loved one are in the throws of grief, hang in there.  Grief is an expression of love.  Remind yourselves that a day will come when choosing joy will be the best expression of love for that absent person or pet.  In the meantime, giving grief the space it needs is love enough.

Bump-A-Holic

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I’ve written earlier about the craze that seems to be infiltrating many communities and homes, creating less than ideal conditions for babies and parents: the bumpaholic. And I believe this type of pregnancy can be less than ideal for several reasons.

It’s for the wrong reasons. We’ve all heard about the more common situations under which a pregnancy isn’t a good idea, even if it’s planned. Things like getting pregnant to keep the man, to try and save the relationship, or to create a bigger purpose in your life. But here’s another ill-advised reason to procreate: an attempt to recapture those feel-good hormones  people experience during pregnancy along with the attention from friends and family.

Women in these situations should look at the reasons why they’re desiring this type of attention and endorphin rush. In my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup I talk about why relationships stagnate and then go south and investigate ways to keep this from happening. If you’re searching for attention and connection, examine that with your partner before you bring another person into your lives!

Reasons Not To Get Pregnant Right Now

It’s financially stressful. Sure, there’s never a PERFECT time to have a baby, but naturally certain times are better than others! With the financial strain many of us are facing now, it’s simply not wise to add and additional financial burden to the equation. Which brings me to my next point.

Doing so can create strain in a relationship. In many Bumpaholic situations, the women often strongly desires to get pregnant while the man may be more reticent. Pressuring a partner into having a baby can be one of the most dangerous forms of financial infidelity. Not only can it easily become a point of contention between partners, it can also present an unhealthy and volatile environment to bring a kid into.

It’s denying feelings at the core. I touched on this in my first point, but when it comes to feel-good hormones and attention paid to us, it’s only natural to want more! We have a biochemical craving for connection, as I mention in my book Financial Infidelity, that spurs us on to want to connect with the important people in our lives. When those needs aren’t met by our parents, we can try to overcompensate for that as we become parents ourselves, by looking to create a large family. Or it can be a reflection of the abandonment people feel from their significant other, or from life in general. As our society becomes busier and busier we pull away more and more from the relationships that should be an integral part of our lives. Creating a baby with someone not only allows us to feel close to that person, but gives us someone to lavish our affection, emotion and energy on.

These are all dangerous reasons for bringing kids into the world! Just as alcoholics must examine their relationship to alcohol and what drives them into the destructive habit, so too must a mom looking for fulfillment through pregnancy look at her reasons for doing so.