The Question:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and father of my 2 year old daughter. I’m 35 and he’s 28. He is now seeing a 22 year old girl for the use of her truck – I believe. He says that he still loves me (maybe just for the sex) and we have continued to have sex since breaking up. He is, however, very irresponsible in a relationship. The sex is great between us and I have a hard time turning him down because I do still love him. I think that I may want him back because I can’t stand to see him with someone else or to think that he is sleeping with another person.

Should I stay with him just for the sex? Or should I make him make a choice of getting no sex unless he’s willing to make the relationship work between us? What should I do?

The Answer: Our answer to this question may seem controversial to some, but here goes…

What is a relationship?

A relationship can be defined as “a state of connectedness between people”. Because of the fact that the two of you have a child together, you will always have a parental relationship and parental responsibilities. The choice that each of you have to make is what type of relationship you want in addition to being the parents of your daughter.

Here are just a few ideas:

An intimate relationship is a relationship with a great deal of physical and/or emotional intimacy – romantic or passionate love and attachment with or without sex.

A casual relationship (sometimes referred to as “friends with benefits”) is the physical and emotional relationship between two unmarried people who have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting a more formal relationship as a goal.

Friendship, is a relationship that results when two people have found a common ground and consists of mutual love, trust, respect, and unconditional acceptance of one another.

I recommend that the two of you have a heart to heart, open and honest discussion about what you both want and are willing to accept around your relationship as adults and your relationship as parents.

It is critical to check your ego at the door.

We have been known to use a code word or a physical object to use as a flag when someone’s ego starts flaring up. Once that happens, any intelligent conversation is over. If someone’s ego takes over the conversation (you’ll know when this happens by tone and number of snipes the other person starts making), take a 15 minute break in separate rooms to allow yourselves to cool down. And then resume the conversation.

A brief discussion on jealousy.

Jealousy can be defined as “a boundary-setting custom developed for limiting sexual access to those relationships that a group defines as important.” It’s that feeling of fear, suspicion, or envy over something you perceive as your possession.

I’m going to get on my soap box for a moment here…

In modern society, many people mistake a romantic relationship, for a purchase contract. If we could simply understand that we do not and should not ‘own’ or try to control another person, there would be no jealously.

Jealousy is a very primitive emotion based entirely on fear and the desire to control other people and their actions – When in reality, the only real control that we have is over ourselves and our actions.

Jealousy and fear are engrained in our society and encouraged by governments and religions to exercise control over the population. That’s why when you get married, you sign a “marriage contract“, to take possession of your spouse… (I warned you this was going to be a little controversial.)

Here’s an idea. Try replacing jealousy, control, and ownership with forgiveness, acceptance, and unconditional love in all of your relationships. You’ll be much happier in all areas of your life once you let go of fear and wanting to control others. Really – give it a try…

Staying with him just for sex.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for the sake of good sex! IF you’re both emotionally mature enough to enjoy it without feeling guilty or trying to make the other person feel guilty.

Take a step back to understand the reasons that you want to have sex with each other. Are you trying to fill an emotional void? Trying to hold on to previous feeling about each other? Do you simply enjoy it? What are your personal reasons? Make sure they resonate true to you and actually bring you joy. Don’t do it for the wrong reasons.

Making him choose between sex and relationship.

My advice on this one – Don’t ever push a man, or anyone else, into a corner by forcing a decision like that, they’ll run every time :-).

Instead, take some time to REALLY get to know each other on an honest and very deep level. This is that heart to heart discussion that I mentioned at the beginning.

If you can’t be honest with each other, you lose from the beginning.

In summary…

• Spend some time with yourself to understand what you really want out of the relationship.
• Talk to each other openly and honestly about what type of relationship your both want and will agree upon – and stick to it.
• Replace jealousy, control, and ownership with forgiveness, acceptance, and unconditional love.