Sex Tips & Advice

Why Don’t We Ever Make Love Anymore?

I cannot tell you how often couples complain to me that they rarely make love. These are generally people who love each other, who enjoy being together and often have fun with each other. Yet they don’t have sex. Why does this happen so often?

Sexual arousal, especially for most women, comes from emotional intimacy and connection. While many men can have sex purely from physical desire, many women need emotional intimacy and connection to feel physical desire. While many men might love it if their wife would suddenly start to fondle their penis, many women feel violated when their husband grabs their breasts, crotch, or butt.

Gender Differences About Touch

I often hear from the woman I work with, “I just feel groped and disgusted when my husband grabs my breasts. Why doesn’t that turn me on? Is there something wrong with me?”

Many women do not feel drawn to touch or be touched in a sexual way until the feeling of love is flowing between them and their partner. Yet women have been trained to believe that they should respond sexually in the same way men do, and often feel inadequate when they do not feel turned on by the things that turn on men.

Hazel and Daniel were struggling with this issue of lack of sexuality. Just before their counseling session with me, they had a fight because Daniel fondled Hazel’s breasts while she was dressing in the morning, and then got angry when she didn’t like it.

Hazel had often expressed to Daniel that what turned her on was the deep kissing that resulted from emotional intimacy. Yet, even though Daniel said he wanted to make love, he would not intimately kiss Hazel.

Why?

As we explored the issue, it became apparent that neither Hazel nor Daniel felt safe with intimacy. While they loved each other, their fears of rejection and engulfment made them feel unsafe with each other.

When Hazel got critical, Daniel took it personally, and was unable to set loving limits against being controlled by Hazel. He would get angry and withdrawn, which would trigger Hazel’s fears of rejection.

Both Hazel and Daniel were afraid that if they were emotionally intimate, they would give themselves up to avoid rejection. Keeping the emotional distance felt safer than risking losing themselves or losing the other if they did not give themselves up. Yet sexuality could not flow without the loving feelings that come from emotional intimacy.

Be Conscious Of Your Intent

The problem was that neither Hazel nor Daniel were conscious of their intent most of the time. In most of their interactions, both of them were unconsciously protecting themselves from rejection or engulfment, rather than consciously thinking about what would be loving to themselves and each other.

Because their intent was to protect themselves, they were often trying to control how the other felt about them while at the same time protecting against being controlled.

Each would respond to the other’s rejecting behavior with their own rejecting behavior, anger, criticalness, blame, withdrawal, resistance. Each would attempt to control how the other felt about them by not telling their truth, not taking loving care of themselves.

Each were handing the responsibility for their feelings to the other and then getting upset when the other did not do what they wanted. Neither were showing up as loving adults to take care of their own feeling in loving ways.

Relationship Safety

While it may seem roundabout to deal with a lack of lovemaking by focusing on one’s intent, this is exactly what needs to happen.

Until both Hazel and Daniel become conscious of their intent and start to choose the intent to learn about loving themselves, instead unconsciously choosing the intent to protect/control, they will not create the inner safety necessary for intimacy. Until they practice taking personal responsibility for their own feelings, they will continue to fear rejection and engulfment and protect against it.

You cannot have the joy of sharing love and passion while protecting against loss of self and loss of other. Love and passion do not flow when you are trying to control and not be controlled. As long as protecting against rejection and engulfment is more important than loving yourself, you will not create the inner safety necessary to create relationship safety.

Relationship safety creates the arena for love and intimacy to flow, leading to the physical sharing of love that occurs when people are deeply connected.

You cannot change what you do not know you are doing. When noticing your intention, to protect/control or to learn about loving yourself and your partner, becomes your highest priority, you will begin the process of healing your sex life.

Taming The Tiger: Exploring Female Sexual Pleasure

By mayasilverman

Female sexuality has always been a source of mystery and power. Even during ancient times, philosophers and poets often devoted themselves to discovering the hidden secrets of female sexuality.

However, many of these exposed “secrets” painted female sexuality as something to be feared as opposed to celebrated.

The Sexuality of Women is a Mystery

Today, the sexuality of women is still a mysterious subject for many including females themselves! Thanks to the nearly impossible work schedules of our work lives and the hectic demands from our family and friends, women often leave their own sexuality on the back burner, choosing instead to put the needs of others before their own.

It’s not entirely a conscious choice, either, as many women feel more comfortable catering to the needs of their family, friends and lovers before paying attention to their own.

Modern Life Affects Women’s Sexuality

Modern life can also have a draining effect on female sexual power, as the daily stresses of our day-to-day schedules can not only have a negative effect on women’s emotional and mental well-being, but her sexual force as well.

Women, think about it this way: how many nights have you returned home from work or a social outing, only to reject the advances of your lover because you were too tired or stressed to even think about making love?

It’s easy to see that female sexuality is often adversely affected by modern life, as stress can prevent a woman’s sexuality from blossoming into the sheer sexual energy that it deserves to be.

It’s no surprise that female sexuality continues to remain an enigmatic puzzle! Yet if you’re looking to reclaim the power and beauty of your own sexuality, then look no further than Tantric text to reawaken the sexual tiger within!

When you think of Tantra, do you think of intense sack sessions full of mind-bending positions that seem nearly impossible? While many may limit their view of Tantra to this picture, Tantra is actually a way of channeling and controlling the sexual energy that courses through our bodies.

What is Tantra?

This method of achieving sexual nirvana actually originated with the Zami cult, a group of women who used Tantra as a way to celebrate the power and beauty of female sexuality. When Tantra merged with Hindu and Buddhist influences, it became the Tantra that we know of today, a celebratory blend of male and female pleasure, where two lovers can reach sexual nirvana by appreciating the power of each other’s sexual power and energy.

Yet female sexuality cannot be celebrated if women don’t take the time to release and explore their own sexual power. Want to celebrate your divine sexuality? Here’s how to battle the modern stresses that women face today in order to reclaim and release the tiger that is female sexuality!

Celebrating Women’s Divine Sexuality

Before you can begin to take charge of your own sexual power, you have to take the time to get in touch with your own inner selves. Meditation is a perfect means towards achieving this, as you’ll learn to control the energies that flow through your body through breathing and imagery exercises.

Pull down the shades, unplug the phone and find a quiet spot in your house or apartment that brings you peace and pleasure. Once you’ve settled into a seating position, focus on your controlled breathing. Image yourself as a blossoming flower or a flaming dragon; feel the energy and power rise up in your body as you imagine your sexuality as an unlimited force, full of potential and endless pleasure.

Practice this meditation exercise each day and you’ll not only find yourself to be more relaxed and tranquil. You’ll come to view your sexuality as the tiger that it is!

The Pursuit of Female Pleasure

Once you’re well-practiced with this meditation exercise, it’s time to move on towards the pursuit of female pleasure. While laying flat and imaging the same powerful images, use your hands to explore every part of your body. Don’t rush through this with the goal of orgasm in mind.

Instead, focus on the pleasure that comes with becoming familiar with your sexuality. As your pleasure increases, imagine that flaming dragon becoming more and more vibrant, until it’s practically an explosion of light and energy. In this way, you’ll come to associate the pleasurable sensations of exploring your own body with energy and power which is exactly how you should view your own sexuality!

This kind of exploration will take time and practice, as female sexuality is not something that can be explored through only a few meditation sessions. Yet with practice comes perfection, and once you unleash your new-found sexual energy on your lover, you’ll soon release just how wonderful and powerful female sexuality can be!

Sexual Penetration And What It REALLY Means…

By wendystrgar

Language is the metaphor we use to communicate our deepest feelings. A couple’s sexuality is the most profound vehicle of communication available. The words we use and our physical language of love define our love experience.

What is penetration really?

Penetration is the word often used to describe the culminating act of sex. It’s a word I often use when describing the best use of a good lubricant. But it was just this week, after using the word in conjunction with the act, that I wondered what I was saying.

The verb to penetrate has six different definitions in the dictionary and as in the power of any metaphor, the meaning one attaches to the term may deeply influence our relationship to the act.

To Penetrate or Not to Penetrate

A lesbian friend of mine once told me that it is not uncommon for many of her friends to maintain a no penetration relationship, and among my heterosexual friends, it is not a small minority who avoid penetration with their spouses.

I never asked them but I wonder if, for them, the meaning of penetration feels like this definition of a military force entering into enemy territory or the depth of a projectile into a target. Certainly the idea of women as targets for men is rampant and so the need to protect oneself is also deeply held.

To penetrate also means to have an effect throughout, spread through; permeate, move deeply, or imbue.

Penetration Potential

Applied again as a metaphor for sexuality this penetration is an act that transforms, that has the potential of changing everything. This sexual act can have the force of inspiration, the possibility of being completely saturated with love.

The act of penetration is a force of nature that is loaded with meaning and mystery. Not surprisingly, to penetrate also means to gain insight and to have a marked effect on the mind and emotions.

The Language of Sexuality

Our language about our sexuality is as layered as the act itself, and knowing what you mean when you speak about love and sex can only be helpful.

Sexuality is a metaphor for many things in life. Those things that we share in our sexual encounters, like language, attitudes and openness with one another, have a long reach into the depth and closeness of our day-to-day relationships.

Thinking of your relationship as penetration is the word, the idea and the act. Penetration means all of these things all at once.

But if I were to make a leap, in the name of making love sustainable, it would be that couples who build a strong and consensual relationship with the meaning and act of penetration are much more likely to have a strong and consensual relationship to each other.

To learn more about Wendy Strgar, visit www.GoodCleanLove.com.

Should I Really Be Worried About STDs?

By loveandsex

When it comes to sexual activity, it can sometimes be confusing as to what can transmit sexually transmitted diseases and what can’t. What types of STD’s can be contracted during which kinds of sexual activity and when are you completely safe?

If you have oral sex can you common STDs like Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, or Herpes?

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Sexual Activity and STDs.

There’s a reason they’re called “sexually transmitted diseases.” You can contract them through virtually any type of sexual activity, including oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal intercourse.

Some sexually transmitted diseases, such as AIDS, HIV and Hepatitis C can be transmitted via blood to blood contact such as receiving a tattoo or piercing with a needle that isn’t sterile. When you have sexual contact or blood to blood contact with someone, you put yourself at risk for contracting or spreading a sexually transmitted disease. How can you protect yourself?

HIV, AIDS and Hepatitis C

HIV, AIDS and Hepatitis C can be spread via blood to blood contact or through vaginal and penile secretions. This includes semen and pre-ejaculation secretions.

The best way to protect yourself against these types of STDs is to use condoms and dental dams while having oral sex, anal sex and vaginal intercourse, make sure any tattoo or piercing artist uses a sterilized needle and don’t use intravenous drugs.

Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis and Other Infections

These types of sexually transmitted diseases are known as viral infections. They are spread by any sexual contact at all, but not through blood to blood contact.

While these are particularly unsavory STDs, they are most often treated with an antibiotic regimen and can be cured. If left alone long enough, a Chlamydia, Gonorrhea or Syphilis infection can cause a great deal of other bodily damage, including muscle and brain damage, and more commonly sterility.

To protect against these types of sexually transmitted diseases, you should use a condom or a dental dam during any type of sexual activity. Oral sex should also be protected against because viral and bacterial STDs can set up host in the mouth and throat.

Other Types Of STDs

Other types of STD’s include genital herpes and genital warts and are more difficult to protect against than other types of sexually transmitted diseases. As these types of STDs can actually take up host in the pubic area of the genitals, a condom or a dental dam may not be enough to protect yourself from contracting one.

This is where STD testing comes in handy. A regular doctor’s exam can rule out any of these types of infections. Don’t have sexual contact with someone who is experiencing an outbreak of genital herpes and genital warts and don’t have sexual contact with anyone who appears to have any type of sores on their genitals.

If you are worried about contracting sexually transmitted diseases, it is important to take as many steps towards safety as you can. Regularly get tested for STDs and make sure you wear condoms and use dental dams when having sex.

If performing erotic massage, you can wear latex or vinyl gloves and if having anal sex or rimming, you can use a dental dam or a square of saran wrap. Know who you’re with and who they’ve been with and always be aware of what you’re doing. If you’re smart and safe, you can significantly reduce your risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

Hard Nipples – Does It Mean She Is Happy To See Me?

By loveandsex

Many guys are under the impression that when a girl has hard nipples that she is aroused. Hard nipples are usually a turn on for most men, so it’s easy to see why men get so excited by the sight of hard nipples.

Women on the other hand, know that hard nipples don’t always mean they are aroused. There are numerous causes and reasons that cause women’s nipples to get hard.

So, you see a girl with her nipples poking seductively through her shirt… Does it REALLY mean that she’s “happy” to see you?

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Why Do Women’s Nipples Get Hard?

Women’s nipples get hard for a variety of reasons. When it’s a cold day out, it can cause a woman’s nipples to become erect, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is a turn on to see them. It could also be from the rubbing of the nipples on whatever shirt she happens to be wearing. Some women’s nipples are more sensitive than others, so any stimulation might make them hard.

It could be because she is excited (not sexually) over something. It is caused by the sudden rush of blood through the body that causes the nipples to become erect. The nipple and areola contain muscle fibers that respond to stimulation to make the nipple hard. When the nipple is stimulated, the muscle fibers will contract, the areola will pucker, and the nipples become hard.

A similar reaction takes place when the surrounding air and atmosphere is cold. The skin raises the hairs on your body in an attempt to trap as much heat close to the body causing the muscle fibers to once again contract and the nipples to become erect.

So while a woman’s nipples might become erect because she is happy to see you, it might be for another reason entirely.

Is It Okay To Look?

We know that hard nipples are a turn on for men, but here is the real question: Is it okay for men to look at a woman’s nipples when they are hard? Men are constantly sneaking peeks at woman’s breasts but when a woman’s nipples become erect they become magnets for attention.

Women, on the other hand, may not be looking for this kind of attention. They can’t really control their nipples to make them not get hard and it’s difficult to hide once they do become erect.

It’s Only Natural

It’s natural for men to become aroused by hard nipples, and naturally they’re going to look. It’s human nature for a man.

A woman knows that her nipples can get hard at whim, so if she’s uncomfortable with the attention she may get if her nipples become erect, she can take steps to make sure any unwarranted attention stays at bay.

Keeping Them In Check

Thicker pads in bras are a good way to help hide erect nipples if a woman is seeking to avoid unwanted attention. She can wear clothing and fabric that doesn’t cause as much rubbing and sensation on the nipples to help keep them from getting hard.

On the other hand, however, men should be polite in public when glancing at a woman’s erect nipples and not obviously gawk or stare at them. It’s a two way street.

Sure, it’s possible that her hard nipples may be a sign that she’s into you, but that doesn’t mean she wants you to stare. Ladies, if you don’t want men to stare, do your best to cover them up!