I finally went to see the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” expecting it to be a downer. I mean, that’s a pretty negative title. It says it all, doesn’t it? It points to how single women are prone to read entirely too much into the smallest crumb of affection or attention from a man, disappointing themselves over and over again with one man after another who just isn’t that into them. I was happily surprised when the movie had a happy, feel good ending I could believe!
I also spent the whole movie talking to the screen. I said things like, “Girl…don’t do it!” “Woman, do not even think it!” “Stop!” “Don’t…don’t…don’t!” “Oy Vey!” and “Oh, sweetie, don’t go there…” Fortunately, there weren’t many people at this showing and I didn’t disturb anyone!
Your Feelings Aren’t An Indication Of His
The truth is that in spite of all my warnings to the various women on screen, I have committed every single act of desperation, hope, and longing they did in the story. We women want so deeply to be loved in a way that makes us feel seen, heard, and valued. And there is nothing wrong with that! It is a natural part of our physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual make up that helps us thrive. The trick is learning to love ourselves enough to wait for the real thing to come along!
In the meantime, here are some lessons I realized I had learned as I watched beautiful Hollywood actresses act out scenes that could have been taken from my life not so long ago.
First of all, the extent to which you have feelings for him are not an indication of how he feels about you. Whether you have a crush on him, are lusting after him, or genuinely believe you love him, your feelings are not an indication of his level of interest in you. If he is interested, he will call you. If he has a crush on you, he will not need your permission to pursue you. If he lusts after you or genuinely believes he loves you, he will do whatever it takes to seduce you! Therefore, if he takes no action to let you know he is interested in you, love yourself enough to either give him the space to just be a friend or let him go. Do not read intention into little things he says or does just because you care for him. That will not serve you.
“Wifing” Him Can Only Bring Trouble
Unless he has made a commitment to you, do not clean up after him or on his behalf! Acting like the little wife with him might make you feel all cozy and dreamy inside; but if he has neither seduced you nor made a profession of love and commitment to you, then cleaning up after him or on his behalf will humiliate you. You are better than that!
Whether or not you clean up after your man once you two are in love and committed to each other is a different article! Here, we are just addressing the inclination a woman has to play house in a way that will humiliate her if his heart isn’t in the right place.
If he is married, beware of seduction, professions of love, and commitments made to you. Unless he is already legally separated from his wife, he is not a free man. No matter what he says, if he is not at least legally separated, he is playing you as he seduces you. That man has commitment and self-esteem issues. It isn’t your job to rescue him or fix him. You owe it to yourself to love yourself enough to take a breath, give yourself some space, and figure out why you attracted him in the first place so you can move forward attracting healthier men.
Why Sex Is So Important
If you are in a committed relationship and you are not having sex, take a good, long look at why that is so. There are times when sex becomes the least important aspect of a relationship for a season. Reasons like battling a disease, dealing with depression, the birth of a baby, and having to take extended business trips come to mind. But if you are abstaining from sex without a mutually agreed upon reason, your relationship is at risk.
Sex is not the most important part of a romantic relationship. However, unless the reason makes sense and is agreed upon by the pair of you, not having sex becomes the biggest indicator that a relationship is ending (or has ended). Again, you ought to take a breath and some space to love yourself enough to figure out how you intend to deal with this. Ignoring it will not make it better.
You are worth falling in love with! And falling in love begins with you falling in love with you. Learn to practice slowing down, taking a breath, and creating space so you can get your head and your heart straight about what is best for you in romance.
When it comes to falling in love, expect more for yourself because you are worth it. And when he is just not that into you, give him a gentle smile and turn your attention elsewhere. The positive self-regard you will grow in the process will pay off when the right one does a double take as you come into view!