breaking up – Page 12

How Can I Get My Ex Back?

You’re in a relationship and suddenly, before you even know what is happening, it’s over.

You mourn the loss of your relationship and your partner and you wonder where you went wrong.

If you’re lucky, you’ll figure it out, because some people never do. If you’re able to understand what happened to cause the relationship to end, will you be able to get your ex back?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi! I discovered your videos on YouTube, and figured you could help me out. I had been with my ex-girlfriend for just over 18 months. Everything was going great for the first 12 mos. We broke up a couple of weeks ago, and I was devastated. She said things had gotten boring and that the past few months she didn’t really feel like a couple. She said she still wanted to be friends and needed time to think. I haven’t heard anything from her since then. I’m getting worried that she’s forgotten about me and never wants to see me again. I’ve realized where I went wrong. I just want to know if my ex-girlfriend will ever come back to me and if it’s possible how I can get my ex-girlfriend back. Can you help me!

– Matt, Cumbria, England

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnE7-O5GVys[/youtube]

Realizing the mistakes.

It takes many people a long time to realize their relationship mistakes and even then, the realizations are sometimes biased or one sided. Some people never understand why their relationships end, and this can be frustrating!

You may find yourself in a situation where a relationship has ended and you’re wondering what happened. Take time to really sort out what happened between you and your ex, and what role both of you played in the ending of the relationship. A relationship’s untimely demise is seldom the result of just one person’s actions.

Take a look at what your ex contributed to the relationship’s end, but beware of placing blame all on them. You also need to examine what you contributed to the relationship’s end. If you are able to get to a point where you can truly admit the part you played in what broke you and your ex up, consider yourself better off for it!

Learning from your mistakes.

You’ll never get anywhere if you realize your mistakes but never learn from them. If you’ve figured out what you’ve done that wasn’t right, or that helped bring your relationship to a close, make sure it’s not something that you continue to do in other relationships.

If you and your ex get back together, make certain it’s not something you continue to do in that relationship! You’d be surprised at how many people end up repeating the same mistakes over and over again. It’s important that you use your mistakes as an opportunity to grow and learn.

No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes in a relationship. Part of being in relationships is making mistakes, learning from them, and stopping the behavior in its tracks.

Moving on.

You may be tempted to try to get your ex back, and it’s certainly worth a good try. It’s never certain if you’ll be able to mend what was broken, but you’ll never know unless you give it a shot. Try to contact your ex and let them know that you’ve come to a point where you understand how you contributed to the end of the relationship. Find out if they’ll talk to you and if they’ll accept your resolve to make things different the second time around.

This doesn’t always work, however, and sometimes your partner may not want to pick up where you left off. That’s okay. It may be frustrating and even hurtful, but if your ex doesn’t want to resume the relationship, there’s really nothing you can do about it.

Take this time to cherish what time you and your ex had together and then put it to bed. Learn from your mistakes and take the opportunity to turn something that didn’t happen the way you wanted into something good. Make the next relationship even better! It’s all about growing and learning, and moving on if you have to. Just make sure you’re not repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

Do You Even Know What You’re Fighting About?

By melody

If you’ve ever gotten into a fight with a partner over something seemingly silly, you might have been very confused about why it was such a big deal. And yet, it may have been one of the biggest blow ups of your relationship.

The truth is that sometimes a fight is about much more than not picking up dirty laundry or taking out the garbage.

Jeanie was so upset with her husband. He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to. He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months. She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce if not an affair. Jeanie’s husband, Frank was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat an issue with Jeanie.

Why he was pulling away

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more. After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about. Frank was terrified of losing her to death. He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him. Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable. Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months. The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided. Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie. The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us. We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us. We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

Our brains can trick us into believe one thing when another is true

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play. Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her. But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away. But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense. Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have. When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four.

And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old. He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners. We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do. As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

How childhood can affect our adult relationships

Let me give you an example. Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years. They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven. As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

What happened next…

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide. She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt, Tom handed her one. She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven. She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position. Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old. Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Take time to really listen

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on. On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface.

Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective. That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary. But it’s always worth it.

Should You Get Married To A Man Who Doesn’t Want Kids?

By loveandsex

If you find yourself in a situation where you’re in a committed relationship but your partner doesn’t want kids (and you do), take heart because you’re not the first.

Regardless, it is still a difficult situation to be in and one in which decisions must be made. It is never easy to choose between the possibility of having children and your partner.

That said, can you somehow make your partner change his mind? It’s not likely.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. He tells me that he loves me very much and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I feel the same way but he doesn’t want to have children. I can’t give up the idea of never having a child and I don’t think he will ever change his mind. We were going to move in together, but since he made it very clear that he doesn’t want children, I decided to move to another state. He wants us to continue communicating after I move. I don’t think this would be a good idea. My friend tells me that the emptiness and loneliness might change his mind. I really don’t know what to think.

What should I do? Should I continue communicating with him or see him? Please help me.

– Jennifer, New Jersey

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3feTVtayG8s[/youtube]

Talk to him.

In some way or another, you’ve found out that your partner is not interested in having children. That can be huge, life changing discovery, especially if you’ve looked forward to having children with your partner for some time.

Is the topic open for discussion? If so, take some time to go over with your partner your needs as well as his. Why doesn’t he want children? Does he want them later, but not right now?

Don’t pass judgment or be critical when you ask your partner these questions. You’re just looking for his side of the story so you can better understand where he is coming from. In turn, you should be able to share your side of the story and express your needs about wanting children.

It may be likely that the issue is non-negotiable. Some people just don’t want kids. They are content with their lives as they are and feel that children would be a burden. Some people feel as though they aren’t capable of caring for children. Either way, these are legitimate feelings that should be respected.

It’s non-negotiable . . . what do I do?

You’ve discussed the situation with your partner and he truly does not want kids. What do you do? It’s time to make a decision.

You can’t change his mind. You can try a number of things to try to change the way he feels about you and feels about the situation, but chances are these won’t work. Even if they did, the change would likely be short lived. Your partner has the right to have his own objectives for his life and that’s okay. You are only responsible for you and your life.

So what do you do? Do you choose the possibility of having children or do you choose your partner? It’s completely up to you, so take as much time as you need to think the situation over.

Don’t rush making a decision. Really think about what you want in life and what you’re willing to sacrifice to get it. Do you want children badly? Does the thought of having children of your own make you feel complete? Or do you feel as though your life would be lost if you and your partner didn’t make it? Ask yourself questions that really make you think.

When you’ve decided what to do, you need to break it to your partner. If you’ve decided to leave your partner or already have, you need to tell them exactly how you feel. You may be better off going your separate ways.

If you’ve decided to choose your partner over the possibility of having children, keep in mind that this can be a huge weight on your partner’s shoulders. They might not want to feel responsible for you not being able to have children and may break it off anyways.

All you can really do is take your time and make the decision you feel is right in your heart. Trust yourself to choose the best thing for you!

Think Cheaters Are Always the Bad Guys? You May Be Wrong…

By melody

It’s all over the media, Maury Pauvich, Joey Bosco’s “Cheater” series, the front page of the New York Times with the story of Elliot Spitzer, and of course, Bill Clinton. Now, in our culture, there is nothing worse than a cheater, is there?

We hate them for being unfaithful to their wives, husbands, girlfriends, or boyfriends, for breaking their contract to be faithful. We love country and western songs of retaliation for cheaters. (e.g. Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”) In Texas, not so long ago, it was legal to shoot your wife if you found her having sex with someone else.

Cheaters are considered the worst kind of bad guy. Our hearts go out to the poor victims of a cheater’s actions. It makes for great drama involving our anger, rage and sense of self-righteousness.

Why cheating is so disturbing

The whole concept of “cheating” is something I find intriguing. If you have a relationship with someone, don’t you want them to want to only be with you? Of course you do!

That’s why it breaks our hearts when they chose to do otherwise. But if they want to be with someone else, well, we don’t really have the relationship we thought we did do we? That, to me is the place for the pain.

Cheating is a symptom of a relationship that is not complete. I think this is what “Dr. Laura” was trying to say about Elliott Spitzer’s wife, not that she was responsible for his cheating, but that, hey, something had to be amiss in the relationship for this to be taking place.

When someone “cheats” they are seen as the “bad guy” and the poor hapless “victim” is the object of our compassion, while the “cheater”, well, he’s just “bad”.

We have these marriage contracts and unwritten contracts with our partners that we will be “faithful” to them and our rage is incited when they “break the contract”. We don’t stop and wonder, “Oh, what is going on here that my partner wants to be with someone else?” No, we think, “That jerk!” (or whatever expletive we choose)

Has someone been wronged?

Our focus is on someone having been “wronged”, “done dirty” and leaving the “victim” to be perceived of as the “helpless victim” of this “bad person” who cheated on them.

When someone is having sex with someone other than his or her partner. Well then, they don’t really consider that person their partner do they? What has happened is that the partnership is null and void at that point. So in reality, there can be no “cheating” when there was no partnership in place anyway.

When I realized my husband was having sex with someone else my heart was broken. But I did not and do not think of him as a “cheater.” Our relationship was in shambles at that point and he was acting out on the pain he was in by finding someone else. My heart was broken because the reality of his choosing to have sex with someone else meant that he no longer considered me his partner. It meant he had given up on us. This is what broke my heart.

What the marriage contract really about

Our contract as a couple is not to ‘be faithful no matter what” or even to remain together no matter what. Our contract as a couple is to work on being a couple, together. When that stops happening, then the relationship is in trouble. The contract is being re-negotiated constantly.

When we settle for a less than intimate connection with our partner we are agreeing to the reality that we are not really in true partnership, and that the possibility exists that our partner may choose to move into an intimate relationship with someone else.

Partnerships, off all sorts, require constant re-negotiation and re-commitment. When there is a break in the intimate connection of a partnership we are responsible for working toward re-connecting. If we spend weeks, months, years out of connection with our partner and then find that they have had sex with someone else we have no right to blame them.

I am not saying that having sex outside of a committed relationship is honorable or even “excusable.” What I am saying is that there is not a “bad guy” and that both parties bear some of the responsibility for what is occurring in the relationship; even the cheating.

Different relationships, different reactions

Christine and Lew had been married for 8 years; they had a lovely 6-year-old daughter and lived in a nice home in Plano. Lew came to therapy because he had been discovered having had an affair with someone he had met on a business trip. By the time it had been discovered, Lew had already broken off the relationship with the woman because he had, on his own, realized he didn’t want her, he wanted his wife.

But he knew there were things wrong in the relationship that needed to change and that his having the affair was a symptom of the problems. Christine came to therapy a few times, but she was so hurt and angry she could not address the problems between them. She considered that Lew had broken their marital vows and that she had no responsibility in what occurred.

She refused to look at the marriage, insisting that the problem was all with Lew. She saw herself as a hapless victim of this cheater and that was all there was to the story. I don’t know what happened to them because with Christine unwilling to continue in therapy, Lew stopped attending.

Contrast this to Jayme and Ryan who have now reconciled after a year of exploring what went wrong with their idyllic marriage. They both came to recognize that things they did contributed to the environment of disconnection that led up to Jayme going outside of their relationship for intimacy she felt was lacking in her marriage. She still loved her husband, and didn’t want a divorce, but was feeling a desperately needy.

Her having chosen to remain home with their new child over Ryan’s protests had resulted in Ryan being angry and critical of Jayme. With all the chemicals of having just had a child going through her system, combined with an immature reaction to his rejection of her led to her reaching out to another man for comfort. Ryan, hurt and angry, divorced her quickly after discovering the “betrayal”.

But through months of therapy, he was able to resolve his anger by recognizing that he had responsibility in what happened, too. Jayme, struggles with her shame about what happened, but realizes, too, that she was in a terrible place and made bad choices. Both have begun to forgive each other, and themselves, for the behavior that led to the affair.

“Cheating” is only a symptom of a relationship with problems. Even if the “cheating” is a result of a sexual addiction; the addiction is the problem, not really the cheating. Addictions are caused by a need, a wound; pain that needs to be resolved by the person and an addicted person cannot express or experience true intimacy.

The partner of someone with a sexual addiction has accepted a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

If you are concerned your partner is “’cheating” then you have to acknowledge you would not be having that fear if the relationship were right. Stop ruminating about the cheating and start working on the relationship.

Burned By His Ex… Will He Ever Commit to a Relationship With Me?

By loveandsex

It’s an age old dilemma…

A woman is dating a guy who isn’t ready to commit. It can certainly be vice versa, and either way, it’s frustrating to be the one ready to commit when your partner isn’t.

Everyone stresses the importance of being on the same page relationship-wise with your partner and they’re right. What can you do though when they’re not ready to commit and you are?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I met a guy through work, I’ve been out with him several times, had a good time. I like him a lot and think he likes me too. He doesn’t want a relationship and a commitment because an ex girlfriend whom he was planning to marry dumped him for another man nearly two years ago. He said he still wants to meet up now and again.

I’m wondering what’s the point in meeting anymore. But on the other hand I’m also thinking that maybe I should continue seeing him and give him some space and don’t hassle him and then see if over time something does develop. What do you think ?

-D, United Kingdom

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1XaRufyUGo[/youtube]

Your partner wants to continue casual dating

That’s great, but remember, you have to read between the lines. Do you think that your partner truly wants to continue casual dating or is just too afraid to say that they’re “not that into you?” If you suspect the latter, just confront your partner in a positive way to find out the truth. If they really are into you but just want a casual relationship, go for it!

You also need to ask yourself if you’re comfortable with casual dating. Is this something you’d like to continue doing as well? There are two sides to this coin. If you enjoy being with your partner and you have fun together, you might want to relax a little about the commitment issue. It could be that you’re with the right person but it’s not the right place or time for a commitment and that’s okay!

On the other hand, if you’re just plain not comfortable with casual dating if you can’t see it going anywhere, then you might want to consider moving on. It sounds harsh, but holding on to hope that something will change later on down the road while you’re unhappy in the present is just going to make both you and your partner miserable.

Only move forward with the relationship if you’re fine with casual dating from here on out because there is the possibility that your partner will never want a committed relationship.

Moving forward

If you decide to move forward with the relationship, it’s important that your commitment shy partner get lots of space. Giving them no room to breath or giving them ultimatums will likely result in relationship disaster.

Find things you like to do and enjoy them. Go for a walk, join a bowling league or sign up for that painting class you’ve been eyeing. Busy yourself with things that nurture your being and let your partner fall in between the cracks. Make time for them but don’t make your whole world revolve around them.

That can sometimes be the key to getting a commitment shy person to warm up to you. They don’t feel like they’re the center of your universe and ,if they make one wrong move, your universe will come crashing down. Who wants to have that much pressure put on them?

Either way, if you and your partner end up calling it quits later, you haven’t missed out on things you wanted to do. If you do work out, you’ve learned how to build a solid foundation for a relationship.