breaking up – Page 13

My Boyfriend is a Total Liar! Should I Dump Him Or Give Him Another Chance?

What should you do if your partner lies to you?

It can be a tough situation to deal with, especially if both partners love and care about each other despite the lies.

There are a few things to ask both yourself and your partner before making a decision whether or not to stay with them.

One thing is for certain – a good relationship is open and honest.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have been living together for 3 years and together for 3.6 years. We are engaged.

He would do ANYTHING for me, but at the same time LIES. He lies about MONEY and work. He is not a good provider. I can’t even work because he can’t afford his own car and uses mine and He would rather be the one working.

What do you do when you both love each other but your partner can’t tell you the truth about money things? How can I get him to UNDERSTAND that he needs to be honest about money and work? Please help, I need to make a decision FAST before I marry into a problem that cannot be fixed.

– Melissa, NY

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYTOEOm4fUc[/youtube]

Why is he lying?

Is he lying about money? Is he lying about work? Is he lying about extramarital affairs? While it’s important to pinpoint what your partner is lying about, it’s also important to understand why your partner is lying.

Could it be something that stems from childhood?

Many pathological liars have psychological issues that stem from childhood. Whatever issues your partner has that may be causing him to lie to you need to be worked out by him and him alone. This is something he can see a psychiatrist or a therapist for. They will help your partner work through his problems so he can learn to be honest and open with you about everything that has to do with your relationship.

Are you creating an environment that forces him to lie about things?

While partners shouldn’t lie to each other, it is not uncommon for a partner to feel forced to lie because he or she does not feel safe telling their partner the truth. What happens when your partner tells you something you don’t want to hear? Do you jump down his throat? Do you yell, start an argument or berate them?

If this is the case, you must understand that your partner most likely lies to avoid what happens when you don’t get the answer you want. He’s just telling you what you want to hear so you’ll leave him alone. It sounds harsh, but it happens. If you suspect that this might be your situation, relax a little and make your partner feel safe telling you the truth. It will take time, but you and your partner can learn to trust each other again and build the foundation for a great relationship.

Can he change?

You must ask yourself if you’re ready to commit yourself to someone that lies to you. Your partner can’t change because you force him to – he can only change if he wants to. Talk to him. Does he want to change? Can he? If he’s working with a therapist, he most likely can but it will take time.

If your partner doesn’t change, you have to be prepared to be with a liar for the rest of your life. Is this something that you can handle? Is it something you want to handle?

In most cases, the answer to those questions is “no.” So you must do what you have to do if your partner continues to lie to you and move on. Let him know that his lies are driving you apart. He needs to understand that his actions are the cause of the breakup. If your partner wants to change and you believe he can, give him a shot and see where it goes. If you truly love each other and work hard to overcome this obstacle, it can be done.

Cheating and Infidelity – 5 Tips For Healing The Hurt

By lisa

Infidelity is certainly one of the most challenging issues a couple can face. The depth of pain experienced by the partner who was cheated on can be excruciating and unrelenting.

For those who are not able to move past this transgression, it can represent the death of the relationship. The breach of trust is simply too much for some to bear which is completely understandable.

However, for those who want to try to move past this event and rebuild their relationship foundation – there is hope. Make no mistake – it requires hard work and a commitment to the process.

The issue of “cheating” and having an “affair” comes up frequently in my couples work. Though this is one of the more challenging circumstances to work through in relationship therapy, the fact that the couple has presented themselves at all to work on it is a great sign.

Infidelity can not only be very damaging to the partner who was cheated on but shaming for the one who did the cheating. When a couple such as this sits down on the couch in front of me, they both know they are about to climb an incredibly steep mountain together in which they may not even make it to the summit.

There will undoubtedly be slippery rocks, sharp grades and formidable weather along the way.

I want to provide some guide posts to help navigate this treacherous climb in the form of ways a couple begin their ascent together. The following are five thoughts on how to heal from infidelity:

1) Cease the affair

This may seem obvious but sometimes “obvious” is better off stated. I have heard of more than one couple who went to therapy (not with me) to work on infidelity with the understanding that the affair was over – but the reality was it was still going on. This is not helpful.

2) There is no such thing as too much apologizing

The partner who cheated must be willing to apologize as many times as needed – and as sincerely as possible. They need to continue to take responsibility for wounding their partner and the relationship.

3) Allow the wounded partner his/her feelings

There could possibly be a wide range of emotions from the hurt partner, sometimes even seeming erratic and unrelenting. Remember that they are dealing with images, thoughts, suspicious thinking, anger, hurt and other swirling thoughts and emotions.

4) Learn how to communicate effectively

Sometimes affairs can come on the heels of build-up of resentments, unexpressed needs, feelings and so on. Be clear that I’m not excusing unfaithful behavior, only highlighting that effective communication between couples can only help build and maintain a strong relationship foundation.

5) It takes time

A couple dealing with infidelity needs to understand that this is a process and can take a long time to work through. There is not formula to figure out, “how long.” It will depend on a lot of factors specific to who they are, what transpired, the length of time it occurred and so on.

After following these guidelines, nagging doubt or mistrust of the unfaithful partner might remain. The wounded partner can be vulnerable to having his/her insecurity triggered. Stay aware of maintaining behavior that is kind, loving, loyal and supportive of each other.

In other cases, there are couples that weather the storm of infidelity and come out stronger in the end. In either situation, if you both believe the relationship is worth fighting for, this is the first and most important step you’ve already taken towards the healing process.

Find Out If You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

By lisa

Signs of Abuse

Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner? Are you afraid a lot of the time in your relationship? Is your self esteem being slowly eroded? It’s possible you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse can sometimes be a tricky thing to identify for those in the situation because often the abuser employs tactics that make the other person feel like they’re going crazy. Abusive people will dominate conversations so that the other has little time to decide if the behavior is harmful.

There’s often a pervasive sense of being off balance for the person being emotionally abused. They start to question their own thinking and eventually believe that they must have it wrong and in fact, they’re the bad ones for daring to believe such a thing about the abuser! We call this “crazy-making” because that’s precisely the impact it has on the receiver.

In my own practice I’ve seen couples come in where it’s pretty obvious this is going on. I’ve seen men and women in emotionally abusive dynamics with their partners. I’ve witnessed people literally verbally “shut down” their partner – and the other one shrink away right before my eyes.

Part of the problem for people who are being emotionally abused is they often don’t realize it. Their self-confidence has been whittled down to a nub.

Could you be in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Ask yourself the following five questions – which are also signs you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?

2) Does your partner isolate you from your family and friends?

3) Has your partner ever limited or controlled your access to money?

4) Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

5) Are you afraid of your partner?

The Cycle of Abuse

Another important aspect of this dynamic is what Dr. Lenore Walker originally coined as the “cycle of abuse.” Essentially, there’s usually a kind of repetitive looping that goes on that consists of four phases:

1) Tension Building: The receiver gets the sense that the abuser is upset and takes active steps to placate him/her.

2) Incident: Verbal or emotional abuse occurs – consisting of threats, humiliation, blaming, intimidation, etc.

3) Reconciliation: Abuser apologizes, minimizes the abuse, blames the receiver, denies it occurred, etc.

4) Calm: No abuse taking place, often called the “honeymoon phase.”

This cycle has the effect of eventually breaking the person down emotionally. It can happen quickly for some – and take years for others.

Final Thoughts on Emotional Abuse

There are many reasons why abusers and their victims get caught up in this damaging dance. The issues can almost always be traced back to the family of origin for both people. Abusers often had chaotic childhoods with a perception of little control – and deep down they fear abandonment. Sometimes they witnessed their parents engaged in it.

The same applies to victims – part of their life story can be around “learned helplessness” for a variety of reasons. They may have a history of being in abusive relationships – or they might have witnessed their parents caught up in the same cycle.

Regardless of how people get there – they can get out – and learn how to have healthy, loving relationships.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, make sure to take steps to protect yourself if you have the intention to leave. Have a safety plan intact and increase your support network. If you suspect your partner has the capability to become physically violent and you fear for your safety call 911.

For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224. Additional resource for abuse: http://www.helpguide.org

10 Tips To Infidelity-Proof Your Relationship

By stephanyalexander

Infidelity can sneak up on even the most solid partnerships.

According to an infidelity poll conducted by WomanSavers.com of 6,330 women, 92% believe that emotional affairs lead to physical affairs, whereas only a mere 7% believe they do not.

With the increase in technology, cheating has become more prevalent.

However, following the below top 10 infidelity-proof tips will increase your chances of having a long-lasting, healthy, monogamous relationship.

1. Don’t Drink or Use Drugs Around the Opposite Sex

Drinking alcohol or using drugs with the opposite sex is one of the quickest ways that lead to infidelity because it lowers your inhibitions. Even having a cocktail at a business lunch can lead to more intimate conversations and inappropriate behavior.

2. Develop common interests and hobbies.
If you and your partner are always spending time apart doing the activities you enjoy separately, there is a higher chance one of you may meet someone who enjoys doing the same activities you do. Couples that “play” together, are more likely to stay together.

3. Exercise and eat right.
Don’t let yourself go physically. Exercise and eat well not only for yourself, but for your partner. If you quit trying just because you have become comfortable, your partner will resent you for being lazy and may become attracted to someone who values their self worth more.

4. Don’t plan meetings alone with the opposite sex.
Now I know it’s not possible to always have meetings in groups. However, if you know you are attracted to an acquaintance, try to plan your meetings in groups because this helps lower the intimacy factor.

5. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If you would be uncomfortable with your partner doing something that you are doing or are considering doing, don’t do it. Respect your partner enough to always consider their feelings.

6. Travel together whenever possible.

The old saying “when the cat’s away, the mouse will play” rings very true. Don’t put yourself in situations where you are more likely to cheat such as going on solo vacations or going to a restaurant or bar alone.

If you are traveling for business and your partner is unable to join you, phone them daily to stay in touch.

7. Don’t Mix Business and Pleasure.

The office is meant for business, not gossip or intimate details. Don’t flirt, touch or wear revealing clothing to your workplace. Keep it professional.

8. Stay sexually creative.

It takes effort to keep the fire lit in the bedroom after you’ve been together for a while. Be adventurous and think outside the box. As long as you are both comfortable with it, there’s no harm done. Couples who have a happy sex life are much less likely to cheat.

9. Don’t share too many personal details with the opposite sex.

Intimate details should be for your partner. Many times emotional infidelity leads to physical infidelity. If a conversation is becoming too intimate for you, simply redirect the conversation to include your partner or politely direct the person towards professional help.

10. Put positive effort into your relationship daily.

It doesn’t matter if you give your partner an extra hug or put the dishes away, the fact that you are doing something small to show you care on a regular basis can make all the difference and may prevent your partner from seeking attention elsewhere.

If you are considering cheating, respect your partner enough to end the relationship for the sake of their emotional and sexual health. Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

6 Tips For Handling Rejection

By lavalife6

If You’ve Ever Been Rejected, This is the Article for You!

You’ve had a date or two with someone you thought was interested in you, then they drop the bombshell that they don’t feel a connection. Ouch!

You wish you could control the overwhelming feelings of anger, embarrassment, anxiety and/or hopelessness but you can’t.

Rejection is a fact of life. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.

Here are some strategies that may help you cope with life’s — and love’s — inevitable knock-backs.

Don’t Take it Personally

In many cases, the so-called rejection may have nothing to do with you at all.

For instance, someone may reject your advances because you remind them of someone from their past (not your fault), they are having a career crisis (not your fault) or are dealing with some other pressing personal issue that they elect not to explain (again, not your fault).

"I really liked this guy and we dated a couple of times before he told me he didn’t have time for me. I felt awful," says Jess. "I ran into him a year later and he told me that his father had been sick with cancer — he later died — and all this was happening when we had first met," she says. "I had thought he just wasn’t interested in me but the truth was that it had nothing to do with me."

Silence your Inner Child

The Inner Child often overreacts and feels the whole world has turned thumbs down and that true love will never come (insert high-pitched wail here). Our adult selves know this is simply not true yet the words of our Inner Child ring in our ears.

Recover from rejection by silencing your Inner Child and reminding yourself that ‘never’ is not a realistic concept. To get yourself back on track, try making a list of all the people in your life who do love you and let the sting of rejection melt away.

Don’t Let it Rattle You

Don’t let a negative response shake your confidence. "If I didn’t get a second date with a guy, I’d spend literally days running through out first meeting wondering what I did to put him off," says Sue.

"One day I had a revelation: You can’t be everyone’s idea of a perfect match, so it’s only natural that you will have first dates that don’t eventuate into second ones. And that’s fine. If we all met the man of our dreams the first time, there would be no single people and there are lots of single people out there…"

Think of It as a Favor

If your first or second date didn’t turn into something more, in some ways you should be thankful. It may be uncomfortable to hear, but getting a firm, clear-eyed grasp on incompatibility early rather than later is a huge time-saving plus. The early brush-off allows you to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Turn It into a Positive

Sounds cheesy but you can make rejection work as a motivator for self-improvement. "Knock-backs aren’t fun, that’s for sure," says Phil, "But if I get a ‘no’ from someone I was interested in,

I always use the opportunity to work on myself — do a course, work out more at the gym, go on a health kick, that sort of thing. I figure if I am the best I can be that I will find the best person for me. And if it takes a few ‘nos’ to get there, so be it."

Don’t Dwell on It

Sometimes the fact that we have been rejected is so painful and all-consuming that it becomes the only thing we talk about. Friends hear how badly we’ve been treated or listen patiently to our complaints that we will never find true love.

Other singles rally around us offering rejection anecdotes, all of which seem to confirm our worst fears — that there are no decent men/women left and we will never find Mr/Ms Right.

Get a grip. Turn this apparent catastrophe into a chance to make a change. Get back online, update that profile and optimistically look toward the future.

Brought to you by Click By Lavalife.

To learn more about Dating and Personals check out our Singles & Dating Channel for tons of great articles and videos.

Click here to meet sexy singles near you at our recommended online dating & personals website.