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You are here: Home / Archives for breaking up

Another Argument – Here’s What You Can Learn From It

By laurieweiss

It’s amazing how often conversations between people who truly love each other get totally confused. Most of the couples I work with are in this predicament, regardless of what else is going on.

Sometimes they wait a long time to come for counseling, because one or both of them is scared about what’s going to happen in that mysterious place, the counselor’s office.  You may even be wondering about what actually happens in a counselor’s office yourself.

This couple gave me permission to report on their conversations with me. He is a respected professional, and she has been a stay-at-home mom until recently when she took a part-time job. They have two children, a teenager and a nine-year-old.

Good relationships are built and rebuilt one conversation at a time. This is one of the many conversations we’ve had, rebuilding their relationship after they came close to ending it.

The Conversation

She: We had another argument.  We got through it but I want to talk about it.

Me: OK talk to each other.

He: I hate it when you get mad at me at night over little things I don’t even remember.

She: Sometimes you do such nasty stuff.  It makes me feel like I hate you.  Remember, like dumping the neighbors dog’s poop off our lawn and back into their driveway instead of just cleaning it up.  When that happens, I wonder why I married you.

He: (with a slight grin) They deserved it.

She: You don’t have to do stuff like that.

He: I was teaching him a lesson.  He should control his own dog.

She: And you do stuff like that with the kids too, and I see people look at me. They wonder why I put up with you.

Me: You don’t feel that way all the time, do you?

She: (completely changing her angry position) Oh no, deep down inside I know he is kind and loving and really cares about me.  (Smiling) I know that!

Me: But you’re really angry about some of his behavior aren’t you?

She: Yeah.

Me: What do you actually do at the time it’s happening?

She: Sometimes I tell him how stupid he is to do it.

Me: Is that later, at night?

She: Yeah, when no one else is around.

Me: What about at the time it’s happening? Do you tell him to stop right now?  Or do you ever tell him that you hate the behavior the same way you tell one of the children that you’re angry?

(I know she has great parenting skills.)

She: No, I go back and forth between trying to be nice and being scared.

He: If you told me to stop, I would stop.

She: It’s a habit to grin and bear it till later.  That’s usually when I finally get mad. I learned to be nice, especially in front of other people.

Me: It’s OK to tell him you’re angry when you’re angry — especially if you do it the same way you do when you correct children.

He: I really would stop.

She: I’m not really sure I can.

He, I really hate being surprised by you being angry at me when I thought things were OK.

She: OK I’ll try, but sometimes it’s really awkward.  Like at the block party.  I wondered what the neighbors thought when you just followed me to the picnic holding your back while I staggered in carrying the heavy cooler.  I just knew they were thinking what a dork you are and wondering why I put up with you.

He: (whining).  Well, my back hurt!

She: And you just sat on the cooler the whole time and nobody could even get any drinks out of it.

Me: (to him) What did you tell the neighbors?

He: (defiant) Nothing — they could see that I was hurting.

She: I don’t think so!  They really think you’re a jerk, and I’m stupid to stay married to you.

Me: It really would help if you told people that there was a reason for how you were acting.  They don’t know your back hurts, unless you tell them.

She: It happened at your company picnic too.  When I asked you to hold the play equipment so (their nine-year-old son) wouldn’t get hurt, you sort of groaned and said you’d try.  When you left, I told your partner got your back was hurting.  She told me, “Oh, I just thought he was being a jerk.” People really do think you are a jerk!

He: They know I’m really important to the company.

She: Yes they do but they really feel sorry for me.

Me: What if you both told the truth and talk about what’s happening when it happens?

He: (finally getting her point.) OK, I’ll try it.  I’ll tell them when I can’t do something because my back hurts.

She: (relieved) I’ll try to tell you at the time when you’re doing something I hate.

What’s Really Happening

This is really just a snippet from an ongoing series of conversations. It lasted only a few minutes.

We’ve agreed that my job is to help them have effective conversations with each other to improve their relationship.  The argument they told me about is a symptom of an underlying pattern that I must help them change.

Each of them is doing things based on old information about the proper way to behave.  Each hates what the other is doing.  Instead of looking at the pattern, they tend to look at each individual incident and argue to justify their own unskilled behaviors.

He learned to expect others to take care of his needs without taking action to ask for help or to negotiate. When an adult acts that way he can be seen as an inappropriate jerk—no matter how smart and important he may be.

She learned that acting angry is forbidden. Since it’s almost impossible to never show anger, she saves hers until she can no longer contain it and it spills over in private. By then it is usually too late to do anything to solve the problem she is upset about.

As they both practice their conversation skills in my office, He is learning about the impact his behavior has on her. He genuinely loves her and is appalled that he has hurt her so often. She is learning that it’s far safer to express her small annoyances than she ever imagined, and her angry outbursts are decreasing. Their relationship grows stronger every day.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: breaking up, divorce, fighting, Relationship Advice

How to Get Rid Of Your Emotional Baggage Before Your Next Relationship

By loveandsex

If you’ve been in a relationship before and you’re entering a new one you likely carry the war scars of the last one with you. What are to consequences to you and your new relationship of walking in handicapped?

Well you’re likely feeling a bit defensive, somewhat jaded about the opposite sex and about relationships in general, you’ve likely started to engage in some sort of “game playing” in order to stay safe or to manipulate your new mate, you are unlikely to allow yourself to become too intimate early on or perhaps at all and so on.

What does all this amount to?

Well certainly not a healthy relationship and definitely another failed one!

The Danger of Carrying the Past With You

You see so many individuals who have had unsatisfying relationships in the past actually carry the trauma of these within yet assume that is a normal part of the learning process and never question it.

It has been my experience that this is not unlike a form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which clearly affects and undermines the person’s ability to achieve a successful, healthy and happy relationship in their future. This is the reason that so many individuals, later in their lives have turned away from the idea of relationship and towards a solitary existence.

Is there a solution to this problem? Absolutely!

Uninstall the Memories of Past Relationships

You see now for the first time it is possible to uninstall the memories of previous unhealthy relationships from the mind/body consciousness. As hard as this is to believe it actually helps to restore one to their original state of purity and authenticity.

This then allows them not only to enter the new relationship feeling more present, open, honest and confident it also gives them a great sense of resilience. The latter is something that few individuals ever have yet the most important component in my view.

The process that uninstalls memories is called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP) and it is based on a very simple yet powerful principle that I discovered over a decade ago while I practiced as a psychiatrist.

MRP, unlike psychotherapy,  unearths and outrightly challenges unconscious beliefs you have stored within you about memories such as a) why they are apparently useful to you, b) why you “think” you can’t release them and most amazingly c) the belief that they actually happened to you.

MRP compares the apparent “usefulness” of having negative memories inside you against what it actually feels like to have them there. This simple yet profound approach can literally help restore one’s relationship life in a very short time as has been witnesses by hundreds of individuals in thousands of sessions.

Can you imagine entering into your next relationship and feeling as exhilarated as if it was the first one all over again? To have such an experience kindly visit my web site for a free consultation.

Filed Under: Dating Tips Tagged With: breaking up, dating, divorce

Love, Sex, and Dating 2008 – The Best of Dan and Jennifer

By loveandsex

Just in case you missed any of the excitement this year, here’s a wrap of 2008!

I’m including our best, most talked about, and most controversial love, sex, and dating topics of the year.

Enjoy!

Love & Relationships

  1. I’m In A Sexless Marriage! What Happened?
  2. Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage?
  3. In Love and Dating… Does Our Age Difference Really Matter?
  4. Do You Know The #1 Secret To A Truly Happy Relationship?
  5. Love, Sex, or Money? The Three Biggest Reasons Couples Fight and How They Can Be Avoided?
  6. (Video)
  7. Help! My Husband Is Forcing Me To Make A Porn Video!
  8. Lying Virgin – Do Hookers and Hand Jobs Count?
  9. Watching Porn – How Do I Make My Lying Husband Come Clean?
  10. How to Stop Resentment From Killing Your Relationship

Sex & Intimacy

  1. Is Anger Over Previous Sex Partners Justified?
  2. How Do We know If An Open Marriage Is Right For Us?
  3. Can Swinger Relationships REALLY Work?
  4. Should I Tell My Parents I’m Gay?
  5. Should I Tell My Parents I’m Gay?
  6. How Can I Please My Partner With My Small Penis?
  7. Hard Nipples – Does It Mean She Is Happy To See Me?
  8. Does Liking Anal Sex With a Strap On Make Me Gay?
  9. Why Is Masturbation So Taboo?
  10. Is Anal Sex Really Dangerous?
  11. I Like Watching Porn… What’s The Big Deal?
  12. When to Say NO to Anal Sex…
  13. He Pulled Out… Can I Still Get Pregnant?
  14. Honestly, Does Penis Size Really Matter?
  15. Can Men Really Have Multiple Orgasms?
  16. Do You Know The Hidden Dangers of Anal Sex?
  17. Frustrated Girl – Why Can’t I Have An Orgasm With My Partner?
  18. Oral Sex and Orgasm Dilemma – I Want To Finish In Her Mouth…
  19. MILF Fantasy – Should I Have Sex With My Ex’s Mom?
  20. Are My Sexual Fetishes And Kinky Fantasies Bad?
  21. Peeping Tom – How Do I Turn My Fantasy Into Reality?

Singles & Dating

  1. Who Should Pick Up The Check On The First Date?
  2. In Love and Dating… Does Our Age Difference Really Matter?
  3. She Gave Me Her Number… Should I Ask Her Out On A Date?(Video)
  4. Dating Tips – Does No ALWAYS Mean No?
  5. How To Ask A Shy Girl Out On A Date…
  6. All In Good Fun – Or Date Rape?
  7. How To Know If She’s Straight (and interested in you…), Bisexual, or Lesbian?
  8. How Do I Tell My Best Friend I Want to Be More Than Friends?
  9. My Girlfriend Says She Needs Space – What Does That Mean?
  10. My Boyfriend Wants To Have Sex Before Marriage But I’m Not Sure. Is It Really Okay?
  11. Met Someone New? How Long Should You Date Before It’s OK To Have Sex?
  12. How to Get Over Shyness & Fear of Rejection to Get the Girl
  13. How To Embrace Your Inner Geek And Still Get The Girl!


Filed Under: Sex Tips & Advice Tagged With: birth control, breaking up, cheating, dating, divorce, intimacy, love, premarital sex, safe sex, sex tips

Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars!

By maiaberens

Many  of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven’t read it. Well, I didn’t write it.

But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don’t want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do.

They also want to be admired, to be regarded by their partner with “wonder, delight and pleased approval”. Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again even when it’s hard.

This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I observe this to be true about the man I live with all these years:

Men Need to be Trusted

One of the most hurtful things I can do is not trust my husband. When he does his household disappearing act like leave, say nothing to me that he’s leaving or where he’s going, he is disturbed by my not trusting that if he were going some place for long or really away, he’d tell me.

After all, he just went to the car for twenty minutes. I shouldn’t be worried that he died somewhere or was captured by other Martians.

Men Need to be Accepted the Way They Are

Now I’m a woman and if my husband tells me lovingly that when we are with other people, I sometimes (or often) interrupt him or finish his sentences and we could have a signal so I know when I’m doing it, that’s cool. I don’t mind. He’s right. I don’t want to be the person who does that.

But in his case, he’d rather I tell him how what he does affects me and trust that he’ll make his own improvements. He doesn’t want me to tell him what to do or how to do it.

Men Want to be Appreciated and Admired for What They Do

My love in the form of appreciation and admiration has helped my partner grow from a shy, somewhat timid man, to an outward-going yet quiet type with lots of inner confidence.

I know because he’s told me. I don’t think it would have worked this way if it weren’t truly authentic on my part. I do admire and appreciate a zillion things about him. It’s funny. Admiration alone leaves me feeling a little empty or needing something else. I seem to need his commitment and respect. Those are totally satisfying to my inner self.

Men Need Encouragement

When my ex- used to come to me for encouragement, I basically wanted to kill him. He was mean and ugly a good deal of the time and then it seemed he wanted me to be a good and kind mother. I wasn’t happy about that at all. Whereas when my current husband is low, I find it easy, most of the time, to offer encouragement and, amazingly, it usually works for him.

Men and Their Caves

John Gray also says men like to go to their caves. This was truer in the beginning of our relationship and I’m grateful I knew “men go to their caves”. Maybe the cave has changed but it doesn’t look like it used to. It used to look like hours alone or away.

Now reading without interruption seems to do it for my husband. I’m not sure why it’s become different. I have a suspicion that it’s because he now knows I trust him to leave the cave and I don’t have to try to break my way in to get him to come out.

Why Men Are Further Away Than Mars

If I agree with all this Mars Venus philosophy, why do I say, “Men are from way farther away than Mars”? Because sometimes I cannot understand his thinking, his worldview and the way it must be inside the being of a man.

For example, I knew my husband for probably 20 years, our relationship has a very high level and amount of communication and he, shockingly, one day revealed that he believed in capital punishment!

How can a man who is, like me, peaceful to the point of believing in the possibility of world peace and who is nice and friendly to my ex-, who has liberal views on most anything else still believe in capital punishment?

Another example: say he thinks he’s coming down with a cold. He has  lots of sick days. Why does he persist in going to work anyway? It isn’t because he doesn’t take good care of himself. He exercises.

He eats healthy. But he will just muscle through until he can’t stand up any more. And I don’t get martyr vibes from him either. I just don’t’ get that. If I feel sick, which isn’t often nor am I wimpy about it, I lie down. If I muscled through, I would definitely feel like a sacrificial victim. Under those circumstances, I  do what I have to but not a drop more.

Since women can’t see the world through the eyes of a man and men can’t view the world through the eyes of woman, my husband and I  have both been known to marvel that any relationship ever works, anywhere, any time!

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: breaking up, dating, divorce, intimacy, Relationship Advice

Cheating And Infidelity – Can It Really Be Prevented?

By chickinheels

I always find it fascinating to hear people discuss infidelity and what could have prevented it or what the cheater ‘should have’ done before stepping outside of their relationship.

Are couples really supposed to think about how to KEEP their partner from cheating or how NOT to cheat?

Do We Really Need to Anticipate Cheating?

The thing about cheating in most cases is, it’s not an anticipated occurrence.  I mean, no one gets married or enters into a relationship thinking that they will cheat or that their partner will.  So all of the ‘couldda-wouldda-shouldda’ talk seems meaningless to me.

Some experts suggest that the partner who was cheated on did not adorn enough attention or appreciation on the cheater.  Other experts solely blame the cheater on breaking their vows or stepping outside of their relationship in greed.

Talking About it Before it Happens

Many tend to agree that couples should sit down and have a discussion at the first sign of trouble or to be open with the other partner about their unhappiness in the relationship prior to having an affair occur.  I find that thought wildly unrealistic.

I think if you are at a stage where you have to sit down and have ‘that conversation’ things are already too far gone.  Plus, I would bet that there are a very minimal percentage of people who would actually HAVE a conversation like this prior to any affair happening. It just doesn’t happen like that.

As much as we’d like to believe that our partner would ‘at least’ show us the respect of exiting the relationship before a third party interferes, most times, it just doesn’t work that way. The list of what ‘to do’ or what ‘not to do’ when it comes to a faithful relationship is endless.

A true realization of the risk factors to cheating are never fully appreciated until the scope of the reality sets in. In other words, until the cheater is caught or confesses out of guilt.  Many men (sorry guys!) have stated that they would indeed cheat if they KNEW for sure they could get away with it.

Unless you can erase your memory, I don’t believe you can ever truly get away with cheating.  In most cases, something’s gotta give.  Sometimes that will include losing custody of your children, losing your home, losing the person you may have actually loved more.. never truly anticipating that you might be found out.

Does Cheating Really Add Something to the Relationship?

There are those who believe that the odd affair can ‘add’ something to their marriage.

Maybe they have the affair then realize what they ‘really’ have at home and come to appreciate it more.  Perhaps the affairs are what keep the cheater feeling fulfilled, and if they are serviced in the area of desire while their partner services all of the ‘other’ needs they figure they might be able to have their cake and eat it too.

So much of cheating is about rationalization, however irrational it truly is.

End It or Stay In It?

For couples who have discovered adultery has occurred, your choices are to end the relationship and move on or attempt to mend the fences.  I believe the latter is much easier said than done.  Forgiving an affair is one thing, forgetting it is entirely another.

Once basic trust is lost, I don’t know if it can ever be regained.  Does the discovered cheater want to live the balance of their life proving themselves and being mistrusted?  Does the partner who was cheated upon not realize there are always more options then the person in front of you?  There is.

There are always, and will always be other options and temptations for everyone in any relationship.  The best you can do is to worry about yourself.

Prevention Just Doesn’t Work

It is my fundamental belief that you cannot do anything to prevent someone from cheating.  No matter how badly we’d all like to think we can.  There are always couples where one person is shocked that their ‘perfectly happy’ relationship has been rocked by cheating.

However, most cheaters do not feel the same ‘perfect happiness’ that their partners suggest.  Not everyone feels the same way even though they are in the same relationship.  The best we can do is to try to be happy and fulfilled with the relationship we are in.

If your partner strays then they are not the best person for you anyway and we all deserve better.  If you are the cheater, you are obviously missing something in your current relationship as well.  The desire I seek in a successful relationship is to make my partner feel as though they are the happiest person in the room at all times.

I also expect my partner to do the same in return.  Enjoying one another is vital.  Attempting to change a person is not a viable option.  Connection is key.  Appreciation is also key, however, you don’t have to kiss your partner’s ass in order to save your relationship from the threat of infidelity.

You’ve got to WANT to appreciate that person, and they do the same for you.  Be your best person and fully expect to get what you give. If you worry your relationship will be hit by a bus one day, you’ll waste precious time when the outcome of tomorrow is almost always uncertain at best.

Filed Under: Infidelity, Cheating, & Affairs Tagged With: affairs, breaking up, cheating, divorce, fighting, lying, marriage counseling

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