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My Man Plays Video Games ALL The Time! Help!

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Relationship advice can do wonders for some couples, but can it help a guy who games too much? A lot of women are in the same boat – their guy is addicted to gaming and there’s nothing they can do about it. Does your man have play with his computer more than you? Do you want some joy from his joystick but can’t get him away from the console?

What She Said

Parade nude (or while wearing lingerie) in front of the television, crook your finger and say, “Follow me to the bedroom!” That should do the trick. At least for one night.

Finding A Way To Work With Him

So what to do the other 364 evenings of the year? It sounds like a compromise is in the works. Your guy obviously loves being a gamer. You don’t want to take away something he enjoys, so you’ve got to find a way to make his “obsession” work for both of you. Please keep in mind that you’re not his mom – acting like a nag and trying to tell him what to do (or not do) definitely falls into the decidedly “not sexy” category.

What is “way too much time” in your book? Is his ducking out on keeping commitments? Is he missing work? Is he blowing off plans to continue playing his games? Such an extreme case could benefit from some kind of intervention. Hopefully his “way too much” isn’t as far gone as all this.

Communicating With Him

I don’t think “stopping” is in order. Would you want to quit something cold turkey that you enjoy? Probably not! Of course he cares about you and would surely go to great lengths to make you happy. As always, the key to solving this problem is communication.

Let him know that his constant playing is bumming you out. Work with him on setting parameters around when he can game. Let him know you don’t expect (nor will you be demanding) that he give up gaming entirely. Be reasonable. When he sees that you’re respecting his interests, he’ll most likely be willing to strike a truce. Trades can be nice too – say, for example, that every hour he spends with the video game equals a date night for the two of you. You get the drift and I’m confident you two will work it out.

What He Said:

He probably won’t stop playing them and you probably don’t want him to either. I mean, you’ve got to get tired of him at some point, right? Trust me, being able to sit him in front of the TV for hours on end while you get some peace and quiet probably will save your relationship at some point.

Talking To Him About His Gaming

Communication really is the best relationship advice. Tell him this is bothering you, but don’t stop there. If you tell a man not to do something and you don’t tell him what he should be doing instead and why he should be doing that new behavior, he will stare at you blankly. So tell him what he’s doing wrong and what you’d like him to do instead and his incentive for doing it (as in more sex).

You May Have To Move On

You shouldn’t nag him, but then you shouldn’t have to nag him at all. He should have the wherewithal to meet you somewhere in the middle on this. You guys are a team and this should be like a friendly negotiation, not some hardnosed “take it or leave it” type scenario. Give a little, to get a little. (That’s what she said!)

I Am Trapped In An Abusive Relationship! Help!

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I need relationship advice. My husband treats me like crap. He’s awful. He’s verbally abusive, belittles me constantly, the list goes on. I can’t figure out what to do. I want to leave, but I feel trapped. What do I do?

What She Said

First off, I’m sorry to hear of your current situation. No one deserves to be treated like that. Secondly, why do you feel trapped? As far as we know, this is the one life we get. Do you really want to spend it with someone who’s abusing you?

I’m not trying to be flip. This is a serious situation. Admittedly, this is not my exact area of expertise. There are facilities that help women in domestic abuse situations, but I’m not sure if that extends to emotional abuse. Check resources in your community. Help might be closer than you think.

I know you say that you feel stuck. If you have children, or you’re financially dependent on your husband, it will take some planning to extricate yourself from the home. If you don’t have kids and you have some expendable income, you might want to examine what is tying you to the situation. Seeing a qualified counselor or therapist may help you gain the clarity to remove yourself from an unhappy home.

The Truth About Love And Marriage

Love and marriage are complicated. No one knows what goes into a couple’s dynamic. If you feel your connection with your husband has turned sour and no amount of help will bring the light back, consider letting go of the past. Take heart in your family and friends, or whatever support system brings you peace. Know that there is still much joy to be found. I’m not saying it won’t be scary or difficult – but no more difficult than staying with someone who doesn’t respect you.

What He Said

You’re not trapped. You do not live in a house without doors, or in a prison cell. If you want to get out, get the hell out and don’t look back period. Go off the grid. Just having a penis is practically a criminal offense these days so getting a restraining order should be no problem. If there’s no kids, just file for divorce and disappear. Yeah, it might be messy, but do what needs to be done and don’t look back.

Leave If You Want To Leave

If you want to leave, and there’s a good reason and it sounds like there is, then leave. Sure, you could try counseling or fixing the relationship in some way, but it sounds like it’s messed up beyond repair. So if that’s the case, what are you waiting for? Ripping off a band aid is never pleasant. You either rip it off fast and get the pain over with or you rip it of slowly and you make it worse.

This is going to hurt. It’s a big deal. There’s really no way around that. The best relationship advice is the sooner you can come to terms with that and rip the band aid off the sooner you’ll be on your way to your new life. You’ll have an adjustment period to be sure, but that’s another issue. Just rip the band aid off and get it over with already.

How To Argue Without Things Getting Out Of Hand

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Relationship advice comes in many forms, whether it’s suggestions on how to make your partner feel special or suggestions on how to keep the fighting that comes with a relationship to a minimum. Let’s face it – arguments happen. It is inevitable that, at some point in the course of your relationship, you and your significant other will disagree on something.

We’re all human beings whose emotions get the better of us on occasion, so it can be hard not to be hurtful at times. However, there are ways to participate in a fight with your mate and not cause long term harm to your relationship.

Thinking Things Through

First and foremost, know when to take a deep breath. In the heat of the moment it can be very easy to blunder ahead, saying lots of things you will later regret. If you can learn how to pause and think before speaking, you’re already a lot closer to saving face in a sour situation. Say you and your S.O. are fighting, and you’re about to accuse him or her of some sort of long term fault. Before you speak, take a breather and think about how to word things. This is quite possibly the best relationship advice there is – waiting until you’ve thought something through before you speak up.

Instead of saying “you always forget something when you go to the store,” shift the wording so it is less accusatory. Make it about how your feelings are hurt, not how your partner is a screw up. For example, try saying “When you forget to bring something back that I’ve asked for, I feel like I’m not being listened to, and that hurts my feelings.” Allow your partner to explain themselves fully without interrupting to interject your opinions.

The Art Of Compromise

Once they’ve said their piece, tell them you understand their viewpoint and suggest a compromise. In the case of our forgetful friend, suggesting that you make a list together before he/she runs errands would be a good solution. Also, be sure to praise any good things the offender did do, i.e. “Even though I’m upset that you forgot item X, I do appreciate the fact that you went to the store for me. I know you’re trying to help.” By recognizing the positive, you not only make the other person feel better, but you also remind yourself that they have lots of traits worth loving. That can take the edge off your own anger as well as theirs.

Focus On The Issue At Hand

Another key thing to avoid when arguing is dredging up lots of other problems. If you’re having a small argument like the one referenced above, that’s not the appropriate time to bring up larger issues. Saying “You always forget something when you go to the store, not unlike how you forgot my birthday two years in a row,” will only escalate your fight. Stick to the topic at hand, then address related problems at a later time when you’ve both calmed down.

Don’t Be Afraid To Take Time To Cool Off

Speaking of having time to cool off, never underestimate the power of calling a time out on your argument. Sometimes the only way to keep from having a total melt down is to honestly admit that you need some time to be by yourself and think before you keep talking. There’s no shame in telling your significant other that you need to take a break so you don’t say something you’ll both regret later.

If you follow this relationship advice the next time you and your boyfriend or girlfriend get into an argument, there could be a lot less drama as a result. It’s important that you always remember that arguments are bound to happen every once and awhile, but they’re not the end of the world and they most certainly don’t mean an inevitable break-up. If you and your significant other take a little effort to fight right, everything will work out in the long run.

Mama’s Boy – His Mom Is Ruining Our Relationship!

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My boyfriend is a mama’s boy and his mom is the third wheel in our relationship. She’s always making these crazy demands of him and he feels obligated because she is his mother. I don’t know if she just doesn’t like me or is afraid of losing him, etc. What can I do? It’s stressing both of us out!

What She Said:

In a nutshell, be supportive of your boyfriend without saying a disparaging word about his mother. It’s similar to that slippery slope of slagging on a friend’s bad boyfriend. If they break up, she might try to place the blame on you for being vocal about his behavior. If they stay together, you’re the jerk that talked s*@t about her man. It’s not fair, but this one has never been a win/win situation.

Stand Up For Your Man

The trick here is to let your boyfriend know that you’re on his side. Let him vent, if he so chooses. You want him to know that he can trust you and that you’re there to help as much as you can. On the flip side, the unhealthy dynamic is between the two of them so, whatever you do, don’t get in the middle.

A trained therapist or mediator might be able to fix things; you will not. Plus, you could risk putting your relationship in jeopardy – especially if this is someone you’d consider getting married. You don’t want to walk down the aisle hauling a bunch of baggage with your potential mother-in-law before you’ve even cut the cake.

Where To Draw The Line

Do what you can to help point out healthy boundaries to your beau. He can still talk to his mom without accepting the guilt trips. He should also learn the importance of separating his mood from his interactions with mom. He can’t control his mother, but he can control how he reacts to her.

It sounds like your boyfriend would benefit from individual counseling in order to gain some additional coping skills. These two have been emotionally intertwined for a while and he might need someone detached from the situation to help him sort it out.

The bond between the two of you should be a source of strength for him. Let him know that you love him and gently point out that you’re his partner – you’re one of the bright spots in his life, not the dumping ground for ancillary stress.

What He Said:

That poor, poor bastard. He’s caught in between the two most important women in his life, and his world is being yanked in different directions. He’s probably stressed because he feels screwed no matter what he does. Not the kind of three way most men look forward to.

Is His Mom To Blame?

She may not like you, but probably it’s not about you, it’s about her and cutting the cord. It’s long over due, but she can’t pull the trigger. He’s not a baby anymore and he doesn’t really need her like he did when he was five. The baby bird has flown the nest and that’s really hard for her. She’s aware, but she’s been hellbent on preventing this moment for years, probably.

Then you show up. IF you and your man are committed, you will be in his life for a long time, and more importantly, you’ve bumped her down the totem pole. You are the most important woman in his life now and that’s not so hot with her. And she’s pissed.

Your Man Is Going To Have To Man Up

Basically your man is going to have to man up and lay down the law with her. He probably already knows this and he knows she’s not going to take it well. It will be nasty and painful, but hopefully she’ll get over it and return to normal soon.

Do You Even Know What You’re Fighting About?

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If you’ve ever gotten into a fight with a partner over something seemingly silly, you might have been very confused about why it was such a big deal. And yet, it may have been one of the biggest blow ups of your relationship.

The truth is that sometimes a fight is about much more than not picking up dirty laundry or taking out the garbage.

Jeanie was so upset with her husband. He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to. He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months. She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce if not an affair.  Jeanie’s husband, Frank was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat an issue with Jeanie.

Why he was pulling away

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more.  After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about.  Frank was terrified of losing her to death.  He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him.  Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable.  Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months.  The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided.  Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie.  The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us.  We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us.  We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

Our brains can trick us into believe one thing when another is true

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play.  Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her.  But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away.  But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense.  Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have.  When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four.

And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old.  He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners.  We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do.  As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

How childhood can affect our adult relationships

Let me give you an example.  Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years.  They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven.  As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

What happened next…

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide.  She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt, Tom handed her one.  She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven.  She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position.  Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old.  Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Take time to really listen

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on.  On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface.

Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective.  That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary. But it’s always worth it.