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Can A Bad Relationship Make You Sick?

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Most of us don’t have to think to hard to conjure injurious feelings about a relationship gone bad. And while the pain and grief due to botched relationship vary from one individual to the next, we need to explore our baseline beliefs about everything rather than jump to overly simplistic ideology.

For example, most of us don’t take into account how we arrived at our relationships. Was it a choice, or something we just “fell” into? Did we come healthy and balanced? Did we know who we were, what we wanted, were we purpose-driven and spiritually and emotionally actualized? Were we comfortable being alone? Did we know how to maintain inner peace and harmony BEFORE we met our beloved?

Are You Paying Not To Be Alone?

But, instead of asking some of these questions, most of us have our go-to relationship move, selling some version of ourselves we find acceptable and hopefully loveable so as to better secure our “hostage.” The person that will make it all better, soften life’s hardships, ease our fear, anxiety, help lift our depression etc, in exchange for ~ well, whatever we sell it for. How much do we pay to have someone comfort us in the night because we are afraid to be alone, to walk our path alone; to have someone hear us, see us, love us, accept us, celebrate us? We rarely think of this, as we are seduced into the story of Happily Ever After, hopefully swept into bliss where we can hide or be transformed there, rather than in the suffocating truth of aloneness.

Stop Blaming your Partner!

Yes, we are safe from many ailments in relationship for a while, but most of us come to find, “wherever you go, there you are.” Eventually, whether in relationship or not, whatever shadows you have run from return. And our go-to culprit is our new partner! Because we’re blaming the wrong person, the relationship ends and we pick up where we left off. The same anxiety returns, the depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc., etc. Our symptoms multiply in the wee hours of the night when we are unable to distract ourselves, until perhaps we manifest an ailment we can point at and say, “Look at this, I am alone, therefore I am ill and out of balance!”

Round we go chasing our tail (or tale), not quite seeing that it is alone we must be to know we are never alone ~ it is with ourselves. We must know who we are and not. It is in our own presence that we must ultimately embrace the truth; that the wound of separation, when not seen for what it is, keeps us “Chasing Amy” (illusions) and never knowing the freedom, balance or joy that is available in a relationship that is in sickness and health, until death do you part.

Confidence Is Nature’s Best Aphrodisiac

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“Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.” – Aimee Mullins

I remember as a teenager, being so self-absorbed, hoping my Prince Charming would come along and rescue me from my life as I knew it! One day I read an article in a woman’s magazine about my very predicament. This article informed me that there was no way Prince Charming was going to come rescue me. He wasn’t going to do it because sad, pouting women are not appealing to any Prince Charming.

You Won’t Catch A Prince By Being A Sad, Pouting Princess

This was before the self-help field and resources burst upon the scene. Within a handful of years, the same article would have communicated that any man who did rescue a sad, pouting woman likely had issues of his own. The pair would create a dysfunctional union sure to self-destruct in time.

All I know is that article was one of the things I’ve read in my life that turned my life around. I wish I’d kept it so I could thank the author. I must have instinctively understood what she meant and got busy becoming a funny and flirtatious young woman, allowing my sense of humor and easy laughter to dominate my interactions with people. It didn’t make me any less serious. When I hurt, I allowed myself to process what hurt. When I was angry, I dealt with it. I simply quit taking myself so seriously that I was getting in my own way of having a fun and rewarding youth.

I have kept that advice close to my heart, allowing it to inform my life ever since. From having sweet boyfriends in high school and college to attracting my husband to making friends and getting along well with acquaintances and strangers, generally content and happy people attract good stuff from other people.

Confidence Can Help You Avoid Bad Relationships

In my early thirties, I did get into a rut with a destructive relationship that eventually found me in a low grade depression for a number of years. During that time, the happy version of me was more of a comfortable mask as the relationship tore at my self-esteem, wearing down my confidence.

Towards the end of that phase of my life, I realized something that turned my life around once again. Perhaps because the relationship wasn’t serving me, I found myself studying and admiring other men. With those who were in relationships, I’d study and admire their women as well. Whether it was a Hollywood couple or the couple next door, I think I was looking for answers to my problems in the success other seemed to find.

My observations taught me something precious that goes along with the “Prince Charming likes a happy, confidant woman” thing. I learned that confidence is sexy. I mean it is the sexiest attribute a person can own! Confidence can turn less than attractive looks and turn them into glorious imperfections that you can’t wait to get close to!

Confidence Is A Turn On

Think about it. Patricia Arquette has those adorable crooked teeth. When is her smile the most appealing? Whenever she radiates confidence. Consider Hollywood’s leading men. Any number of them you would not find nearly as handsome without their delicious confidence in tact. Will Smith has funny ears. Who cares? His confidence is so attractive! Christian Bale is a perfect example. He’s played roles where he was insecure, even a little psychotic as well as roles where he exuded confidence. As Batman he is drop dead sexy. It goes far beyond the body building. It’s the confidence. In the roles where he is convincingly insecure, he doesn’t look like someone you want to get close to.

Personally, the chemistry between my husband, Joseph, and me when one or both of us is feeling especially confident; even if we come off a little cocky, is palatably richer. Because the chemistry is good, period; the fact that I can tell that confidence still makes a difference is convincing enough to me that I’m on to something here.

Besides, remember I told you about that destructive relationship where I wound up in a low grade depression? When I began practicing confidence, both the depression and the relationship unraveled, freeing me to have a new life where I got to attract Joseph. I highly recommend confidence as an aphrodisiac and general life enhancer!

Presents Or Presence?

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I got an email recently after I gave a talk at a booksigning. I’d talked about being present and the importance of surrounding yourself with people who were also present. The woman explained she had been dating a man she met recently who was a successful lobbyist, but who was just as distracted. Here’s what she had to say about the rest of the story.

Being Present In Your Own Life

This weekend, another man, a very old friend, came to town…we’ve known each other 35 years (college). He came to my studio and asked about my work, and he was incredibly “present” with me. And you are right, it was a total and complete turn-on. Whoa!

The next day, I had dinner with the other man (the lobbyist) and he spent most of the time talking about how his recent ex-girlfriend is using a popular dating website and how her profile is full of lies, and that he ought to get his own profile … Big turn-off! We were supposed to go on a date this Saturday but I cancelled it because I decided I would rather have my own precious company, than his!

She followed up with another note a few days later.

Hi Maryanne, so interesting what happens when I choose me. I came home to find a huge box of flowers from my college friend. I’m sure that saying goodbye to that lobbyist was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Thank you…

J..Alder, Nor Cal

Bottom line, ladies and gentlemen: when we don’t know who we are, what we want or have our priorities intact, we fall into the default loop that was programmed into our subconscious long ago. We all know the drill: tall dark and handsome, good in the sack, rich, whatever. At some point we start to realize these arent things that make a great relationship. Someone we thought was hot becomes really unattractive when their real character starts to show.

Choosing Someone Who Is Present In Their Own Lives

I have met too many people who, time and again, confess that the things they thought they wanted werent essential at allor, at minimum, fell lower on the priority list than they once realized.

Perhaps rather than hot and successful being at the top of the list, you could alter it some and require that certain other qualities be immediately apparent. Things like being present to their lives and yours, someone who’s kind, honest, purposeful, and so on. Create your own list! But check it twice as the holidays approach so you don’t make any mistakes. Do you really want someone naughty or do you want someone one who’s mostly nice (and maybe a little naughty only on special occasions)?

Top 10 Qualities Most People Want In Their Partners

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Aren’t you just dying to know what a potential partner wants from you? Fortunately there are books and books out there to help you figure out just that. And one of the latest ones brought to my attention is this: guys want only one quality from a girl they’re looking to get involved with – good sex.  Sure, it’s important but are we really that reductionary!

My gal pal told me she read a book this guy wrote ( If I had one less scruple, I might tell you his name–for now, we’ll call him something friendly, like Penile Supremacist…PS for short. Fine–forget that, let’s just call him Jack. There! Who can argue with that?) So JACK made quite an impression on my not-so-easily-impressionable gal pal recently. She rang me straight away to give me the scoop.

“Maryanne, you’re not going to believe what @#$% says in his book!” She’s known me for 15 years now, knows that in general male/female issues have been in my top 10 list of favorite things to get bunged up about…particularly when they’re coming from downwind, let’s say. Historically, she delivers the message and then runs for cover. As she started recounting “The top10 qualities women are looking for in relationship with men.” Here’s all I can remember:

Top Qualities Women – And Men – Are Looking For

1) Presence
2) Intelligence
3) Sense of humor

But then she started in on the men’s list – which I remember every detail of. But then, it’s not difficult to remember – here you go:

1) Great in the sack
2) Great in the sack
3) Great in the sack
4) Great in the sack
5) Great in the sack…

Stop me if I’m going too fast, here. I’m sure JACK doesn’t mean to reduce all men to one silly mantra, and I must give him credit for the fact that he then asked these gentleman to rethink the question, and they did come up with some insightful, significant qualities they are looking for in their relationships with women.

But I feel I must respond to these beliefs with some beliefs of my own: We have developed skills beyond pounce and attack. How does someone who is in the position of teaching open, impressionable people get away with spouting ancient stereotypes like he was proud of the “well-known fact” that men often think with their smorgasbords?

The point is–well, one point is: Making love is an art – and it’s not just about the sex. It’s no wonder so many women think being great in the sack is a good investment of their time. How about we all revisit that list, people…take pen and paper and make your own list. Look and see what unconscious ideas you may have about the other sex…’cause when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!

How To Smell A Rat In The Dating Game – Or Find Out If YOU Are One! (Quiz)

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People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, how to date successfully, or meet someone and start a healthy dating pattern. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.

When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?

1. Human beings are not monogamous creatures

2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person

3. I’d rather wait until they are available

How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?

1. It depends on how well I know the person

2. If it feels good, do it

3. Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight

Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?

1. Some people just bring out the worst in each other

2. That was then and this is now

3. I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean

Does God matter in a relationship?

1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person

2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible

3.To each his own

When you should bring up marriage or commitment?

1. Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that

2. You should just go with the flow

3. Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away

At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?

1. Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for

2. If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it

3. Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later

When and how do you talk about STDs?

1. I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease

2. ASAP and gracefully

3. You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom

Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?

1. Everyone deserves a second chance

2. As long as it wasn’t murder

3. Depends on what for

Does everyone need a purpose in life?

1. I just want them to be happy

2. Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit

3. As long as it isn’t me

Do you believe in Happily Ever After?

1. I don’t need to anymore

2. I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements

3. Sure, who doesn’t want that?

Tally up your points with the key below and mail your score to info-at-maryannelive.com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur!

Key:

Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points

Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point

Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points

Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point

Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points

Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points

Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point